So I have known about this website for a while now. My husband is a wls patient of a year and a half post surgery. He has lost an abundant amount of weight and is feeling better than he ever has. We have been together for many years, have good and bad history.

He is now going through some tough feelings since he lost all the weight (cheated on me a while back while I was pregnant with twins for a surrogate pregnancy). I forgave that. He had lost a bunch of weight (after being overweight all his life) and wanted to experience someone thinner. I have to mention that I am big and have been getting bigger since we have been together. We fed each others eating compulsion, made it easy for the other to eat fast food and junk.

My problem now is I am on the waiting list for wls now. They "misplaced" my referral or I would have been in by now (waited for 6 months for nothing). Now that he has changed his looks he is no longer attracted to big women. I get that. I am a reasonble person. But have I not made a big enough impression on his life that he is no longer attracted to me? So what I am a big woman, I am still the same person, probably better as I have not been the nag I used to be and I have forgiven some pretty unforgiveable stuff.

So as it stands now, we are at a deadlock. He doesn't want to lose me, because I am a good person and I feel like he is pitying me and only staying because I have helped him through some very tough times. He 'owes" me he says. I don't want to be owed. I want to be desired and loved and all the rest that we had before this weight loss surgery. I want my husband back. The one who loved me for me. Is that selfish of me? 

I have given him his get out of jail free card. He wants to take it, I know he does, but he wont. Doesn't want to be the asshole who left his fat wife after wls. How do we get past this?

I love him so much but he gets so angry sometimes. He is terrible at dealing with bad situations. He is pretty mean to me. So lost and just don't want to be hurt anymore.

help...

I'm going through a divorce right now. It isn't necessarily weight related, but I've had to learn some tough lessons.

Bottom line - I hate myself, I have horrible self esteem, and I do not want to be alone. I have felt for the last four years that it was better to put up with an asshole who treated me like **** than it was to be alone. But, I also had to wake up one day and realize I was wasting my life. I am fairly young still, and I do not want to be trapped in a no good marriage to a man *****ally really doesn't want to be with me. As much as i'm grieving now, I can't say it's any worse than the pain I felt for the last three years when I woke up alone every day because he refused to live with me.

We are people. We deserve the very basic fundamental respect, not only from strangers, family, friends, co workers, but including our partners and spouses. They are not exempt. And if they can't treat us like we deserve to be treated, they need to go.

He knows you are a good person. Clearly he doesn't want to lose that because at the end of the day, it is much harder to find a good person that you truly love than it is to find a "cute one". You do deserve more, and it's a long process of self-realization to get to that point, but you need to start looking.

You can continue on your WLS journey without him, and when you reclaim your life, he will be left with nothing. The next girl he finds will gain some weight, and round and round he goes. Meanwhile, you can find someone who will appreciate you for WHO you are, and not what you look like.

Don't wait for him to leave. You get the upper hand because you have the assets here - tell him he needs to go, it's not an option to have his cake and eat it too. I'm not saying its easy. I'm not saying there won't be lots of lonely, miserable days. But, in the end, when time goes by, you will be grateful for what you have without him standing next to you dragging you down.

Good luck, and I really really hope you are able to find some peace in the situation, regardless of what happens and whether he stays or goes.

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation.  How heartbreaking and difficult it must be.  I haven't been in your situation, but I was cheated on  by my ex husband, and lots of other bad history with him.  I just want you to know that you're not alone.  And the TRUTH is you shouldn't spend another minute allowing him to make you feel so inadequate and "less than".  The price and value you place on yourself is what matters.  If you consider and treat yourself like a "less than" person, others will treat you that way. (Others who have no moral compass I mean.)  Enough is enough and it's time for him to take his skinny behind somewhere else. You deserve someone to love you whether you are 100 or 1,000 pounds.  How terrible for him to treat you this way, but the truth as you have told it, is he has always mistreated you in this way.  Time for you to stand up and look out for yourself now! Worry about your health, both mental and physical.  Don't allow anyone to treat you in this way.