Bariatric Surgery and Divorce - my reality

smbergie200
on 6/14/12 10:10 pm - Naples, FL
I just wanted to be real with my friends here at Obesityhelp. You hear all the time about increased divorce rate with bariatric surgery patients. Well I guess I am one of the "statistics". When couples are obese they accept alot of crap in life especially with eachother. Food becomes the couples focus and helps to ease the pain of a stressful marriage and becomes an unhealthy bond. At least that was my experience. To complicate things I battle with bipolar disorder and depression. She has been there for me through the good and bad and I love her deeply for that. I thought if we were both "skinny" we would have an awesome active marriage. Well she got the surgery, lost lots of weight, looks great and well things still didn't work out. Once the weight was gone and both of us started feeling good about ourselves and food was out of the equation we realized we really didn't have mu*****ommon. We were pretty much roomates that called eachother husband and wife. It was a brave bold move on both our parts to actually follow through with the divorce. We know that we both deserve to have a passionate marriage and we both love and want the best for eachother. While I don't expect many of you to understand my situation I assure you we both are in total agreement on the matter. We will continue to be friends and share our lives together at a distance. I moved to a different town to start my life over again. So can bariatric surgery cause divorce. Well the answer is complex. It can definately bring truth to a marriage and really test the compatibility of a couple. When your fat and miserable and wallow in the trap of food to ease the pain you both kind of settle. Once you break out of your shell and realize and discover who you both really are things can change.

To make a long story short it is what it is so to speak. We both love and respect eachother and will always be lifelong friends. Sure our marriage has ended, but it a pleasant, drama free, mutual decision and to make things even easier there are no kids involved. Well thats my confession so to speak and I hope you don't judge me too much.

My YouTube Channel - www.youtube.com/user/smbergie200

Plastics - Extended Tummy Tuck - February 6th 2013


       

hwag5149
on 6/14/12 10:17 pm
Why would anyone judge you? You're silly!

Divorce sucks, break ups suck. All of that sucks.

Your post reminded me of something someone posted on FB the other day. When her and her husband got together they were both thin. It's been 3 years that they've been together and she's pretty big now. Absolutely big enough to have surgery. She's at least doubled her original weight. He's gained a good 80 pounds. Anyway, he was in the hospital and she posts on his FB wall something about "I wish my hubby would come home! I miss my eating buddy!" And they are both constantly posting pictures of food. I know it's kind of off topic but that just reminded me of a relationship that can be kind of drowned out by food...

Sorry about you having to go through a divorce sir :(

HW 380.8+  SW- 371.4  CW- 234.4  GW- 200 

 

melz1974
on 6/14/12 10:29 pm
VSG on 07/10/12
What's to judge?? 

Just because you're getting a divorce (or got a divorce) doesn't make you a bad person.  I think it's great that you had the guts enough to follow through and be honest with not only her but yourself.  I don't believe that sitting in a loveless marriage is good for anyone.  It sounds like you made the best decision for both of you and for the right reasons.  I see a lot of divorces happen when one (or both) of the parties isn't honest and/or faithful; I could see people being judgemental about those cir****tances.  Like WLS, sometimes you have to make a decision that may end up being painful for a bit but necessary for your long term well being. 

((((((HUGS)))))))  It will all be okay in the long run. 
Elina_7
on 6/14/12 10:42 pm
VSG on 06/30/09 with
As long as there are children that are being hurt, and you are both acting in good faith, what's too judge?  You are doing what is best for your life, you both deserve to find the passion, love and friendship that a great marriage offers.  I wish you peace with your decision. 

      

gabriellaz
on 6/14/12 11:41 pm - CA
VSG on 07/02/12
No judging. Just wishing you both the best
    
stephintexas
on 6/14/12 11:55 pm
I come from a religious background, Daddy is a preacher and has been since before I was born, I am strongly opposed to any sort of judgement. Only the people who pay the consequences of a decision get to judge a decision. You have to do what's right for you. I've separated since surgery and my family is having a stroke over it. I could care less at this point.

If you were beating her or cheating, I admit I'd have a small flare up of judgement but I'd fight to squa****  Deciding t move on, there's nothing in that decision between two grown adults that anyone has a right to judge.

My doctor did tell me that the statistics are very high for this after WLS. I think it's because of the things you mention: the lack of food as a coping mechanism causes us to deal with things we have been ignoring.
        
KSqtpie
on 6/15/12 1:07 am - Overland Park, KS
VSG on 07/09/12 with
Good luck on your new journey. I know you will continue to grow and focus on making the best out of the future. Look at it this way, at least you are making positive and healthy changes that will lead to true happiness...not merely existing. Best wishes
neecie1123
on 6/15/12 4:35 am - NC
 I wish you all the happiness you deserve!!!! 
Who did your surgery?  I'm having mine done in Charlotte too.  
MeeMiss75
on 6/15/12 4:56 am - Katy, TX
VSG on 06/12/12
 No judgment here. It takes a lot to first, realize you're unhappy, and second, actually do something about it. I am sorry to hear that things didn't work out, but you seem very much aware of the reasons why it didn't last. To me, that is a significant step. Best of luck to you in your new life. 
        
Kevin H.
on 6/15/12 5:11 am - Baltimore, MD
VSG on 02/06/12 with
I got divorced 14 years ago and though I wouldn't call us lifelong friends, like in your case, we still keep it civil for the kids sake.  I had custody of my two girls since 2001 and though it wasn't easy trying to raise them alone, I did the best I could.  I still have not met anyone to remarry which is sad, but I hope that loosing the weight will help that situation.  I am still much happier now then if I would have stayed in a bad marriage and don't regret my decision.  

Best of luck to you on your journey!

 
  

(deactivated member)
on 6/15/12 7:07 am
Kevin.

Not to highjack another post but i just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you for being a single Father.  Not many men would fight for full custody of their kids, compared to women, that is. I think you are a great guy and I hope you find a great woman in your life, you definitely deserve it!  Have a great Father's Day weekend my Friend! 
Kevin H.
on 6/15/12 7:11 am - Baltimore, MD
VSG on 02/06/12 with
 Thanks!  My oldest moved out and made me a grandfather but I still have my 16 yr old at home with me :)  Dreading the day she goes away to college.  Thanks for the kind words.

 
  

doggz109
on 6/15/12 7:23 am - CA
VSG on 01/12/12 with
I agree....that is pretty damn awesome. 

    
momsy55
on 6/15/12 5:41 am - ME
As others have said, there's nothing to judge.  Also, how wonderful both you and your wife are on the same page - makes it so much easier for both of you and you still have each others' support as friends.  I'd say it's a win-win situation!,


HW (recorded) 323  Start of Journey 298.9  SW 263.6  CW 177.8  GW 180 
        
favrow812
on 6/15/12 5:49 am - Olathe, KS
VSG on 02/20/12
((hugs))

There is only one success--to be able to spend your life in your own way.
  

 
NUJoyce
on 6/15/12 6:37 am - Hayward, CA
Not judgement here just a big hug.   My husband left at my 4 month mark.   At first I was a mess but over the last 4 months I have found my groove and am moving on.  We have a daughter but both still live in the same town and I see him several times a week and talk to him everyday.   He has been making moves like he wants to come back but I am really happy with my life and the way it is.   It wasn't a bad marriage but the WLS helped me regain control in my life and I don't think he liked it.  

I am happy we are still friends and I am happy to hear that you are moving on and still friends also.
        
MyOwnSunshine
on 6/15/12 6:53 am
VSG on 09/13/11 with
No judging here.  In my case, the divorce came before the WLS, but the story is very much the same.

I totally agree with you that sometimes food and compulsive eating is the only thing that holds a relationship together.  That was the case with my relationship with my ex.  The only thing we really enjoyed doing together was cooking and eating horribly unhealthy foods. 

I respect your attitude about your divorce.  My ex and I have remained good friends.  He lives across the street from me and we are awesome co-parents. 

I have spent the last year examining my part in the failure of my marriage -- I have learned a lot and if I choose to enter another relationship, my eyes will be wide open and I will be in a much healthier place to form a strong, happy partnership with someone.  For now, I am enjoying finding out who I am as a thin, healthy me outside of a dysfunctional relationship.

No judging here, either. 
" I am not at all concerned with appearing to be consistent. In my pursuit after Truth I have discarded many ideas and learnt many new things."  Ghandi            
Chubbychic77
on 6/15/12 7:01 am - NJ
VSG on 05/30/12 with
 No judgement here. Wishing you both the best! You guys are both grounded, in reality, and brave. 
    
moonglo82
on 6/15/12 7:09 am
VSG on 03/29/12 with
I see no reason to judge you either. I just wanted to chime in and say that I wish you the best in starting over in your new town.

    
Highest weight: 277 Starting Weight: 250  Surgery Weight: 241  Current Weight: 130

Goal Reached in 10.5 months :)


 

(deactivated member)
on 6/15/12 8:08 am - Greater Austin Area
VSG on 02/03/12
Hey, no judgement from me. Divorce is one of those things that happen when people change or grow apart. It's sad but it's true. I was divorced once when I was thin and young and it had nothing to do with weight. We simply grew apart and didn't have mu*****ommon. I chalked it up to the old "It's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all". I firmly believe in that. I enjoyed the good times and cherished them but then things fell apart and that was that. I met my current husband about a year after that and that was ten years ago. Thankfully, we never bonded over food. We are more of the "bonding over movies" type. I am very lucky with him. Divorce happens and I know that love can happen again. I wish you and your ex the best of luck and love. Good luck!