How can you lose 130 pounds and feel fatter than ever before? Worried I'm done losing. ...

SleevedLife
on 10/10/12 3:05 am
I'm so frustrated.  I just have to vent, and I certainly welcome advice and slaps across the face as appropriate.  

I'm not entirely sure what is going on.  First, I should say that I got a new scale which weighs me in at five pounds higher than my previous scale.  So that is really ******g with my head.  I should also say that I'm ovulating.  Not bragging or anything... but I think I'm dropping a pretty big egg.  I know because (a) I'm bloated and I tend to retain water when I ovulate and (b) I have those nice "here comes an egg" pains.   Yeah, yeah... TMI I know.    But these two factors together  - both the real water weight gain and the maddening scale change means that when I hopped on the scale this morning it looked like I haven't lost weight for almost two months.

I can feel  myself just fighting with myself right now.  Part of me, the part I'm trying to beat down, wants to give up.  I want to eat a gigantic bowl of popcorn and say "screw it...  this is the weight I'm meant to be." I don't want to feel this way - it's dangerous to feel this way.  Especially with the holidays around the corner when I need to control my eating more than ever.

For two weeks, I went back to protein shakes only, hoping to get the weight loss going again.  Nada.   Then I got the new scale, convinced my old one was inaccurate.  Well, I already *****ed about how THAT turned out.  Not what I had hoped for.

All of this is messing with my head.  I feel fatter than ever. I feel fatter than I felt when I was 360 pounds.  It's insane, right?  How can I lose over 130 pounds and feel fatter than ever?

I've never been in counseling, and I'm not comfortable with the idea of it... but I'm wondering if this is the type of thing that people talk to counselors about?  Ug... just thinking about being in therapy make me cringe.   I don't think it's my thing.

FYI, here is my current routine...
I exercise 6 days a week with 60 minutes of aerobics, and also I walk about 3-4 miles a day.

My food (since getting back off the shakes)... I'll give you yesterday's food, which is similar to most days.

Bariwise Oatmeal (14 grams protein, 100 calories - weird, but tasty)
Veggie Patty
2 Low Fat Cheese Sticks
Protein Chips
Lettuce and Chickenless Chicken Strips (trader joes)

Protein totals tend to be around 60, calories tend to be around 600-700.


I feel like I'm on the brink of giving up (but I'm still fighting hard against those feelings).  My measurements are down, so the rational part of me is certain this stall isn't what it appears.... but I just can't totally shake these feelings of being totally fat, totally a failure, and totally wanting a gigantic bowl of popcorn and just forget the whole thing.


Thanks for listening.  Apply facials slaps... now. 

Nutshell:

Lost 140 lbs with VSG. (Hooray!!)

got pregnant  (yeaaaa!)  

got cancer (boooo!)

regained 40 lbs.   (grrrr!)

In summary: Alive & Grateful.   

acbbrown
on 10/10/12 3:10 am - Granada Hills, CA
Story of my life. I still have my days where I dont feel any different than I did at 420 lbs. I definitely have wht I call "fat days". I started my journey 2.5 years ago, and it has really taken me until very recently to start having more skinny days than fat days.

You need to just work through the feelings - dont let that scale define you, or your success. Make a list of everything you have accomplished and list of everything you still want to accomplish, and get to work.

www.sexyskinnybitch.wordpress.com - my journey to sexy skinny bitch status

11/16/12 - Got my Body by Sauceda - arms, Bl/BA, LBL, thigh lift. 


HW 420/ SW 335 /CW 200    85 lbs lost pre-op / 135 post op
  
~~~~Alison~~~~~

 

SleevedLife
on 10/10/12 4:17 am
OK, I've seen pictures of you... and to think that you have "fat days" does make me feel better.  You are thin and fab!!

It's a good point that I need to not let the scale define me.  I'm very obsessive about it, weighing myself several times a day, every single day.   It's so silly.  Who cares how hard gravity has to work to hold me on the earth?!  What a dumb thing to obsess on.  

Well... I have to go pee and weigh myself  now.  ;)

Nutshell:

Lost 140 lbs with VSG. (Hooray!!)

got pregnant  (yeaaaa!)  

got cancer (boooo!)

regained 40 lbs.   (grrrr!)

In summary: Alive & Grateful.   

acbbrown
on 10/10/12 7:26 am - Granada Hills, CA
Its a very mental process to get away from the "fat" days.

If I think to myself I am a skinny ***** - well, I feel like a skinny ***** If I look at my pant size and then look at a super skinny ***** - my day can morph instantly into a "fat" day - a lot of people are smaller than me, but it's not about the comparison - i have to remind myself that its only about me. I may never be a size 6 but I dont NEED to be a size 6 to be a skinny *****

Skinny ***** status is all mental. Simple as that. My mornings usually define my day - if I get up, get dressed, put on a cute dress, do my hair/makeup - i usually will have a skinny day. If I get up, put on some frumpy clothes, pull my hair back, Im for sure gonna have a fat day. So...just keep focused on the positive.

www.sexyskinnybitch.wordpress.com - my journey to sexy skinny bitch status

11/16/12 - Got my Body by Sauceda - arms, Bl/BA, LBL, thigh lift. 


HW 420/ SW 335 /CW 200    85 lbs lost pre-op / 135 post op
  
~~~~Alison~~~~~

 

moonglo82
on 10/10/12 3:12 am
VSG on 03/29/12
I have days like that... days when I look in the mirror and think "where the hell did I lose 97 pounds from?  I still look the same!"  And then I have days where I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself lol. 

I don't think a single one of us completely evade those kinds of days.  The scale thing sucks, the PMS thing sucks even worse... but the good news is that you know where that weight is and you know it's not a real gain.  That's more than half the battle right there, my friend. 

Now step away from the popcorn, take a deep breath, and go find a way to relax for a little while.  You deserve it :)

    
Highest weight: 277 Starting Weight: 250  Surgery Weight: 241  Current Weight: 130

Goal Reached in 10.5 months :)


 

SleevedLife
on 10/10/12 4:14 am
Thanks for your encouragement. 

I'd mainline popcorn if I could.  I love it in all forms. ;)  Must!  Resist!  Urge! 

Nutshell:

Lost 140 lbs with VSG. (Hooray!!)

got pregnant  (yeaaaa!)  

got cancer (boooo!)

regained 40 lbs.   (grrrr!)

In summary: Alive & Grateful.   

AdeanaMarie
on 10/10/12 3:33 am, edited 10/10/12 3:34 am - MI
VSG on 03/08/12
 Yep, TOM, is not fun.  Sorry you are feeling that way.  But it is definitly in your head and emotions.  You know your body is thinner than it has been and is feeling so much better.  Count all the blessings, unrelated to the scales.  A blessings list, make it an on going one, a journal maybe.

Counseling, well, I would not be as far as I am emotionally, mentally or physically without it.  A second party listening and getting you back on track... it is what every one needs.  Change your mind about the counseling.  Anyone who has been through it and had success will tell you to go.  So much of our past can dictate who we currently are.  Go, talk about everything.  Be an open book.  Opening up to another human in such a way, in a safe setting, freed me in a way that weight loss has not.  There are tons of forms of bondage.  Bondage to a situation, to food, to a way of life, to other people, or way of thinking or to a sin.  Go and find out what a healing transformation counseling can be.  Many churches offer free counseling services and even your surgeon's office should have someone on staff or they recommend.  Find a good one that has some recommendations too.   I went to a Christian counselor, based on Biblical principles and it was transforming!  I will definiely head back, if I ever feel off track or in need of someone to listen to me.  I paid out of pocket and it was worth every penny.

Give yourself a couple days to get out of the PMS TOM issues and your head will clear.

Tomorrow, perhaps, things will be much brighter!

By the way, you have done a fantastic job.  130 pounds, amazing.  You know you can do this.  You have proven it.  Just get back to basics and avoid the scales for a bit.
     
  “Not many of us are living at our best.  We linger in the lowlands because we are afraid to climb the mountains.  The steepness and ruggedness dismay us, and so we stay in the misty valleys and do not learn the mystery of the hills.  We do not know what we lose in our self indulgence.  What glory awaits us if only we had the courage for the mountain climb.  What blessing we should find if only we would move to the uplands of God.?  JRM
       
SleevedLife
on 10/10/12 4:12 am
Thanks for your response and encouragement. 

I just can't see myself doing therapy.  I might change my mind at some point...  But the idea of talking to a stranger, and opening up to them, is totally the opposite of my nature.  I'd be a horrible patient, I'm sure.... sitting on the couch with my arms folded and saying "that's really none of your business." LOL!  (I'm kidding, of course... I'd never waste a therapist's time to go and not talk openly... which is why I would never go to begin with.) 

Nutshell:

Lost 140 lbs with VSG. (Hooray!!)

got pregnant  (yeaaaa!)  

got cancer (boooo!)

regained 40 lbs.   (grrrr!)

In summary: Alive & Grateful.   

acbbrown
on 10/10/12 7:31 am - Granada Hills, CA
Im with you. I have been absolutely resistant to therapy my entire life. I did give it a go...I went to two sessions. I refuse to go back after some offensive comments were made, but honestly, even though I absolutely HATE talking...it does almost make you feel better just to talk...even if the person on the other side is a douchebag.


I would have never gotten to the point where Id even be open to the idea of making an appointment if it wasnt for some of my friends here that I can talk to that go through the same things...its great to find at least a couple people that you can talk to - and go at your own pace with how much you want to talk about/what subjects. Baby steps :)

www.sexyskinnybitch.wordpress.com - my journey to sexy skinny bitch status

11/16/12 - Got my Body by Sauceda - arms, Bl/BA, LBL, thigh lift. 


HW 420/ SW 335 /CW 200    85 lbs lost pre-op / 135 post op
  
~~~~Alison~~~~~

 

MaryContrary80
on 10/10/12 8:11 am
VSG on 09/04/12
 I have to totally point out the irony here. You are on here, not venting to 1 stranger, but to tons of 'em! If you go to a good therapist, you'd be surprised, you just might like it and find it helpful. As a therapist myself, I will tell you that you being able to open up is more about your therapist than you. It's their job to help you feel comfortable enough to share. Yes, certainly you need to try to keep an open mind, but they need to get you to the comfortable space, and trust me, a good one will. Anyway, good luck, and congratulations on all of your success so far. You have SO much to be proud of! 
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