13 Month Sleeve Anniversary - Trying to Celebrate Positives, But I'm Still Screwed Up

I just realized that today was my 13 month anniversary of getting the sleeve done.  I've lost 140 pounds+ and a lot has changed.

 

This isn't a happy rah-rah, sleeve kicks ass kind of post... so ignore it if that is the sort of post you were hoping to read here on OH today...

 

For those that may not have read my previous posts - I've been struggling with some disordered eating (chew and spit - some vomiting) and over-exercising (5-6 hours a day).   My weight loss had stalled, even though I was/am still technically obese.  Maddening.  :( 

I started therapy a month ago or so - something I never ever ever EVER thought I'd do, but was gently encouraged to do so by my OH friends.   So I'm working on getting things back in balance.  I'm down to just exercising 3 hours a day now - and I think that number will be going down a bit further soon. My therapist has, thus far, been pretty gentle with me in not making me change everything all at once.   My disordered eating is improving.   I was only eating (really eating) 200-300 calories a day and then vomiting or chew/spitting anything beyond that.  It's so embarrassing to type this out, but I've been learning to be more open with the bad - shedding light on the dark and whatnot.  So, I'm striving to eat 600 calories a day.  The spitting and puking hasn't totally gone away but it's decreased a lot just since being "open" about my gross behavior patterns and working on strategies to end it.   All of this put together is finally helping the scale to move again --- ever so slowly.

I'm not at all where I thought I'd be at 13 months out. I thought I'd be at a healthy weight and be of totally healthy mind, body, and spirit.  Not so much.   But, at least I feel like I'm trying to get on the right path. I can't even say I'm on the right path quite yet... but I'm looking for it and heading towards it. 

To any newbies or pre-ops...  please know that sleeve did NOT cause any of this eating-disorder type of behavior.   It was already in me, years ago.   I just choose to ignore it.  I thought I could handle it.  I thought I wasn't one of those people with "real" food issues.  I was in denial.  Total textbook denial.   If I could change anything, and I'd only change ONE thing, it would be to have started therapy for food issues BEFORE getting the sleeve, or at least immediately thereafter.    So, please don't be afraid to focus on the  mental aspects to getting your health back.   I've learned it is just as important, maybe even MORE important, that the physical components to this journey. 

That's all.  Just a little update on my 13-month sleeviversary.  I hope things continue to get better.  Thanks for all your support here.  I really appreciate you guys.

Wow! Thank you for your honesty. That must have been difficult to share. You are on the way to a healthy you. It is a journey with all kinds of twists and turns. Keep up the good work.

I am so incredibly proud of you.  Your therapist sounds wonderful and to me, you sound exactly on the right path.  The path is not straightforward, it has curves and hills and valleys, but you are on the right path.  Admitting all of this was the first and hardest part, then accepting and finding help was the second step, now working to find new ways to get your needs met and loving yourself fully while really getting how precious and wonderful you are is the next part.  You are definitely going to a better place and I wish I could hug you in real life.

I think this year will be a great year for you.  You will learn and grow and become so much stronger and healthier.  Be gentle with your beautiful self, hugs.

You are an amazing person. The fact that you lost 140lbs is one reason. The other being, you are able to admit your faults to some of us that are total strangers. Others, that have probably become great friends. Thank you for your honesty. I am sure that was very difficult to do.. I wish you the best of luck with everything. 

Just don't give up on your therapy too soon.  Therapy is a process.  If you can change your thoughts, you can change your feelings which can change your behavior.  Stick with it even when you think "this is not helping me, I could use this money for so many other things".  Stick to it and good luck!

Im so SO glad you're sticking with therapy!  Sometimes it takes a while for us to untangle ourselves from our knots, but ultimately, it's worth it.   Be kind to yourself.  Good luck!

Fiona

I haven't shared your exact struggles, but the mental aspects of this journey can be very frustrating. Taking strides towards a healthier mind, body, and spirit sounds like it can only be the right path.

Best of luck to you in your continued journey,

Lindsey

Bravo and well written! Very proud of you for your openness I'm sure it can only help. For some the journey is longer and more difficult than we imagine and kudos to you for realizing it was time for more help it will make the journey more successful in the long run. It's not always easy but it can still be good in the long run. I wish you the very best!!!

 

Thank you for sharing with such honesty. Therapy will help and allow yourself some time to make the changes. Big hugs!

Kudos to you for opening up like this. It takes great courage. You can make the rest work too. One foot in front of the other.