Update: Back from the brink of an eating disorder... (long!)

Hi, everyone -

Just a quick background for those that don't know me.  I was sleeved in December 2011, did great for quite a long time eating 600-800 calories a day, then hit a stall, responded to the stall by decreasing calories further and exercising more, fast forward a bit and I was eating only 0-300 calories a day, chewing and spitting junk food, throwing up what little I "accidently" swallowed, and exercising hours and hours a day (often up to 6 hours a day), and sleeping very little.  I was exhausted and stressed out and STILL in a stall.  This went on for a couple of months before I finally admitted what was up to my OH friends who gently (and directly) encouraged me to get help.  So for the first time in my life, I started seeing a therapist.

 

Phew! Those are the Cliff Notes. 

 

I am so happy to get to report back to you all that I am officially back on track.   I took every suggestion my therapist had to heart, even though I didn't want to do most of it.  But I made myself talk about tough things and do even tougher things.   I feel like she grabbed the collar of my shirt and pulled me back off the cliff as I was just about to fall in.  I feel I was on the brink of developing a serious eating disorder that would have been much harder to recover from... but because I caught it early, before it became too deeply engrained, I was able to get back out.  It's addictive and isolating behavior and see how easy it would be to become full-blown bulimic,  (My behavior didn't last long enough to technically be classed as such.)   I am not saying that the fight is over, of course.  I will always need to be vigilant.   But I honestly never thought I'd be this far along so quickly.  It's only been a few months and I feel like I am literally a new person. I wish I had reached out for help even sooner.

 

I no longer chew and spit, I not longer vomit. I now only exercise 1 1/2 to two hours a day (MAX) and even take a day off one day a week.  

 

I know this might raise a few eyebrows here in the land of ultra-low calories, but I now eat 1000-1200 calories a day.  Yeah, that was the therapists's suggestion and I am doing everything she says.   It seems like a lot of food, holy cow, but it's what I eat now.  My protein levels are nice and high and I'm eating a good healthy variety of foods.

 

I also sleep significantly more (it helps to not be getting up at 4 am to exercise!)  Looking back, I don't know how I even to stay upright those months I was at my extreme!

 

So I'm eating much more, exercising much less, and sleeping much more.  The end result?  I've lost about seven pounds!   Yeah, I finally broke my stall!  After being in a stall for so long, my weight has finally started to drop again.  The theory is that I was really stressing out my body - it was sort of in freak-out mode...   now my metabolism/cortisol levels/all other functions are returning to normal.

 

I feel better than I've felt... well, ever.   I hope to lose maybe 20 more pounds, but if I don't that's OK too.   I'm happy with where I am at just because I FEEL so good.   I do have a lot of extra skin, and in a recent confessional visit to my bariatric surgeon he said I'd probably be at goal or even under it if I got the skin taken care of.   He referred me to a plastic surgeon. Now  I am anticipating surgery this year to remove my panni because I get a lot of painful rashes and my arms because they make me nuts.  The PS  knows my whole story and still thinks I'm a good candidate.   This kind of surprised me, but maybe my craziness isn't as abnormal as I thought.  Maybe a lot of bariatric patients go though a bit of a breakdown.   Anyway, plastics  could happen as early as this spring if I can get babysitters arranged for my recovery.    Since I don't plan to lower my calories below 1000, I feel like I should mentally say I am at "goal" right now, but whatever pounds I might drop are great too. 

 

Thanks to everyone that has helped me and encouraged me through this difficult time.  

 

To any newly-sleeved people or pre-ops, I just encourage to deal with "food issues" early if possible.  I had my head in the sand about my relationship with food, and then it came out later.  My eating problems were not a result of the sleeve, I want to make that clear too.  They were a result of a messed up relationship with food that I refused to acknowledge until the evidence was pretty overwhelming.   I had a hang-up against therapy too that was completely unfounded.  The process was nothing like I imaged it would be and so much more helpful than I could have ever hoped for.

 

If you feel like you are starting to get out of control - with food, with exercise, with emotions, whatever... please do not hesitate to reach out for help.  There are people who have 'heard it all' and can help get you back on track, matter how far off track you think that you are.  There is ALWAYS hope if you are willing to seek out help with an open mind.  Always.

 

Anyway, that is my update.  I'm excited about this year.  I'm excited to get some of the excess skin off.  I can't wait for this summer when I'll get to be the active mom with my young kids - riding bikes and playing on a backyard slip-n-slide.  Life is good.  I'm so thankful for my sleeve, for you guys, for my therapist, and for the support I have of my family and my bariatric team. 

 

Sorry this was so long.  I had a lot of share.  If you read this whole thing, you deserve an award!  (I don't have one to give you... but you do deserve one.) This emoticon round of applause will have to do:  

Wow! I'm so happy you are back to you! It takes a lot of courage to write the things you did. I can relate to some of what you wrote. I'm tracking my calories on MFP and each day they seem to be getting to be fewer and fewer. I'm exercising every day but only for 40min. I have also chewed junk food and spit on rare occasions. I tell myself it's just for the taste but after reading your post, I'm not so sure.
Thanks for posting. I will be watching my own behavior and mention it to my husband so he can help watch over me too.

Good for you in sharing it with your husband - sometimes having someone that is "paying attention" is all you need.  I will warn you that my chewing and spitting behavior started out as a "rare occasion" thing, but then quickly snowballed into a daily habit.  Of course, my path won't necessarily be your path... but you are vary wise to be taking note of the behavior now.  (((HUGS)))

God bless you. You have an amazing story and I am so glad you are on the road to recovery. Keep up the good work in therapy and stay connected here. You have so much to be proud about. You are amazing.

Congratulations to you, for finding healthy and balance , for feeling great and LASTLY fort breaking your stall cause that truly us the least important part of all of it! Finding health and balance is foremost, we lose weight to be healthier both physically and mentally, and great job you, for reaching out, seeking support and TRULY taking care of yourself!

Great post, great success story, and keep on it! I myself have had eating disorder issues, have a long stall and have recently rediscovered the gym. As soon as I started feeling " guilt" over eating 800 versus 600 calories, I called my therapist and made an appointment.it's great to have goals and high standards, but sometimes there is a very fine line to cross into danger zone. I find it's all about my head and inner critic than it is about what I've eaten. 

Congrats on really making it to goal ( skin counted) and upcoming plastics.

Keep taking care of  the Whole YOU!!

christina

Wow, I am sooooooooooo happy that you were able to get help before you went over that cliff!! 

I recently started therapy for MY eating disorder.  Mine is just the opposite.  Trying to squeeze in too much food throughout the day and bad foods.  I want my obsession to stop.  Oh, to have a normal, healthy relationship with food......

I am so proud of you!  You must be so thrilled.  Very inspirational, really!

 

So glad to see this post!  Proud of you for posting everything!  It certainly takes courage.  Sounds like you are on the road to recovery!

So happy to hear it.  Congratulations to you!  Keep up the great work!

Fiona

I am so happy to read that you are doing better.  I also bet good money that you will continue to lose on your current plan too- that is what I did and made it to goal no problem.  On a different post maybe a week or two ago somebody commented that the low calorie/low carb plan so frequently pushed here is an eating disorder waiting to happen.  I hope people learn from your process, and that you continue to prosper.  Peace.