Yesterday was not a good day

This may be a long post -- vent and possibly just need to get this out.  (probably a little PMS too.. lol)

Yesterday I felt like I completely lost control of my eating habits and just did whatever I wanted.  For example, I ate a protein bar for breakfast, but after that, everything went downhill.  For lunch, I had a salad with some grilled chicken.  Either the chicken was too dry or I ate too fast, but I felt REALLY icky for about 15 minutes.  I thought I was going to throw up, but thankfully, I didn't.  So after lunch, then I had dinner, which was okay.  Then, we went to the movies.  I had some popcorn, and 3 twizzlers.  THEN.. came home, had a cupcake and 3 little pieces of candy.  I actually took a SPOONFUL of frosting and then thought about what I was doing..,. and spit it out. 

I feel so defeated.  Like I really screwed up.  I know I have to forgive myself and make today a new day, which I am... but I still feel REALLY guilty, not to mention, a little ill ;)  I am so disappointed in myself.  It's like I went through this WHOLE surgery to use this tool to my advantage, and yesterday, I just tried to outsmart it.  I just feel so guilty, dumb and so disappointed in myself.  I know, I can't beat myself up.. but I guess maybe I need some of you to tell me that you've done the same thing?  That maybe you had days where you ate something you KNEW you shouldn't have.. but did it anyway. 

I wish I was normal. 

I wish I never had to worry about what I put in my mouth... however, this is my cross to bear, so I will have to worry about it forever.  I will NEVER ever never get back up to 389lbs again.  I will use this tool like it's supposed to be used and learn from my mistakes.

You have lost 75 pounds!

AMAZING!

You are my hero....and everyone has "an off day", right?

Be kind to yourself today and remember what you have already accomplished!

Audrey

Okay so you made some bad choices. Well, a lot of bad choices, but the guilt is not going to change that. If anything, it may lead you down the path again. 

So what I find more helpful is to examine what I was thinking, feeling and doing throughout the experience, especially paying attention to what I was thinking, feeling, doing before the episode began. I try to sort out the triggers, forgive myself for being human, and then think through strategies to avoid falling into the same traps next time around. In other words, I try to think of the episode as a learning experience. Then I try to move on with those things in mind. 

Can you review the day from that perspective?  You can talk about it here if you think that helps. 

Thanks so much.  Yeah, I made a LOT of bad choices.  I know that I certainly didn't do the kind of damage that I would have done pre-WLS.  I would have had a whole LARGE tub of popcorn to myself, half the bag of twizzlers, one or more cupcakes, and definitely would not have stopped at 3 pieces of candy.  The thing is, I was not even CLOSE to being hungry when I ate that stuff.  I was totally reverting back to the way I ate pre-WLS.  I have had this horrible habit of sabotaging myself after some success.  Maybe the 75lb milestone was a sabotage moment or something.  IDK, but what I DO know is that as of right now, I am completely back on track.  I won't have any Easter candy today, I don't even want it.. not one bit of it.  I didn't eat breakfast because I wasn't hungry at all and was still feeling kinda icky.  I just had lunch, which was about 2/3rds of a flatbread pizza I made with some pizza sauce, mozzarella cheese, a flatout flatbread and a chicken sausage.  It tasted good, but I was full, so I stopped eating.  I left 2 of the 5 pieces on the pan, I don't want them.  I don't know if I got all my protein in, but I'm not concerned about it right now.  I know that we're going out to dinner at 4pm, which will be another huge hurdle for me... but I WILL get through it. 

I am really going to have to dig deep to figure out why I did what I did yesterday... I've forgiven myself for doing it, nobody is perfect, right? :)  However, I will learn from it and not make that same mistake anytime in the near future.  I will also stay on track with MFP, starting tomorrow... one day at a time.  I'm not going to stress myself out about tracking today, especially because I have NO idea what the Easter buffet will have in store for me.  I know it will have ham, and salad, which I can eat.  So I have a plan.

Thanks to all of you who have responded already to this.  I feel much better just getting it out and admitting it to all of you.  Thanks for "listening" and helping, and commenting.  Keep 'em coming.

I'm glad to hear you are actively working on letting go of the guilt. Now with that said, one of the main reasons we need to let go of that is to make space to learn. So I want to help you with that. 

Now forgive me if I'm overstepping, but I see a lot of red flags in your response that leave me worrying that you're at high risk to 're-offend' today. You've told me you really don't know what led to this episode. Please read Judith Beck's book (can someone say the title?) as soon as you can. Try to work out what happened with a therapist if you can. 

For today, I'm concerned that you're also saying things like 'it would have been worse without my surgery' - your sleeve will not always protect you and it is possible to gain everything back.  Today, I want you to think about that. 

Also, you've told me you're going to have special occasion buffet style food that you don't plan to track in MFP. This is an extremely high risk situation, especially coming off a very bad day. You've indicated what you can eat there, so I would suggest committing to just the things you've said and tracking in MFP. If something goes awry - and I'm not suggesting you set yourself up to do that by being wishy washy about how you're going to handle this - track everything. Tracking is very valuable for every day. It helps us identify patterns. 

I know this is a lot to take in, but I'm reaching out to try to protect you today. 

I would LOVE to read the book if someone can let me know what the title is!

Thank you SO much for your words of wisdom.  This is a huge learning experience for me and I'm so glad you're here helping me!

So, I said that I know it would have been worse pre-surgery, but that didn't excuse my eating.  I need to understand WHY I did this, because I know there is a real possibility that I can regain and I do not want to do that.  I know this is going to be a lot of "mental" work on my part, but I'm ready and willing to work on it as well.

So far, my day has consisted of a flatbread pizza that I made (only ate 3 of the 5 slices I cut the flatout flatbread into).  I had one small scoop of mashed potatoes (didn't finish them), a half of a slice of ham, a few spoonfulls of potato leek soup, a small few  bites of salad and a teeny bite of blueberry cheesecake square.  And when I say teeny, I mean TEENY! :)  I've managed to completely avoid all of the Easter candy, the cookies, pies, cupcakes and the entire huge @ss dessert buffet.  I did it.  There was lasagne, roast beef, fried chicken and all kinds of stuff that I would have piled on my plate pre-WLS.  I didn't even want to think about eating anything that I would have preWLS, so I stuck with the things that I knew I "could" eat, and the things that I should eat.  I spent the entire meal thinking about what I'm eating, why I have to chew slowly and how I have to just eat slow and savor every bite.  I thought about what I would have done pre-surgery, what I wanted to do, what I did any why.  I WANT to be thin.  I WANT to continue to lose weight.  I don't want to feel like a big failure.  I felt so defeated, but resigned in the fact that this IS hard work, but I CAN do it.I have a pretty strong resolve today.  I changed my eating around today because I was just not wanting to eat at all this morning.  I ate lunch, early dinner and plan on having a protein shake later tonight, to make sure I get all my protein in.  I feel like I've righted the ship and am ready to tackle it.  I think I will track what I've eaten in MFP, like you said.  I do need to keep track of things every single day.  That is a HUGE downfall for me, even pre wls.  I hate tracking.  But, I know how important it is, so I will do it.Any other words of wisdom, advice, help, encouragement etc... is appreciated!!  Thank you so much for making me really think about things today.  I will NOT repeat what I did yesterday and I want to learn from it.

The books title is "The Beck Diet Solution - Train Your Brain To Think Like A Thin Person" by Judith S. Beck, Ph.D.  It is a program based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which, I believe, was developed by her father, Aaron Beck, M.D.  A quote from the book states that "cognitive therapy is based on the concept that the way people think affects how they feel and what they do."  "Cognitive Therapy helps you identify your sabotaging thinking and effectively respond to it, so you feel better and behave in helpful ways."  

I am reading it now, and highly recommend it. There is also a separate workbook that goes with it. Hope it helps you too. 

I like what Spencerella said--first get your butt back on track, and then try and figure out why it was so easy to get off.

What are you angry about? Rebelling against? Why are you trying to hurt yourself?

Let it go! Learn from it and move on. One day is not a problem. My fiancée had a cake here and I took a few bites of frosting and felt horrible. Then I thought of how I would've eaten half the cake before!

Hi, as I read your post I was thinking very much along the same lines as Spencerella.

I am a person who has lived your yesterday over and over again during maintenance (never during weight loss, oddly) and have the regain to show for it. I've learned a lot from my escapades back to the dark side. One major one is that I am normal. The way that I deal with food (just as you did yesterday) is my normal. Our job is to create a new normal and continually remind ourselves to live it. We can't get away with our old ways for very long. Yet the minute we start in on the old ways, they take hold and take hold immediately. I think you found that out yesterday.

You have a long road in front of you. Take it one day at a time. If you can't do that, take it a meal at a time. You can do this. Your success thus far shows that you can.

For what it's worth - if I were to eat a protein bar as my breakfast, my day would be very difficult food wise. There is something about the candy bar like quality of a protein bar that is kind of triggery for me. I can only eat them in the afternoon or evening. Eating one in the morning when my blood sugar is at it's lowest just sets me up for a bad day.

1 egg would most likely make you feel full much longer anyway - especially if you hard boil it. Early out 1 hard boiled egg kept me going for hours!

I hope you have a fantastic day today!