My second first surgiversary

I went back and forth about whether or not to write this, then finally decided it might be worth something to someone, so here it is.

A couple of disclaimers:

First - This is about MY journey, and while I not only accept, I encourage, debate about method, I do not accept debate about what has or hasn't worked for me, personally.  I do not advise anyone to follow in my path, it hasn't been an easy one, but it's been the one that has worked for me.  (If you really want my advice - look to the vets, they know their stuff - it just didn't work in my particular case)

Second - This is likely to be long, so please bear with me.

 

Now that's out of the way - why the weird title?  Well, see, that's the thing.  I had VSG in July of 2012, and 7 months later developed severe reflux (try aspirating water every time you drink - not a fun time), and had to have a revision to RNY.  So, I've got two surgiversaries.  And a super special, nifty Vertical Sleeve RNY-ectomy to call my very own!

Anywho - on to the journey.  A little over 2 years ago, I was dying, and it was time to do something about it.  Enter VSG stage left.  It was good stuff, and I was totally committed.  I was following all the advice that I saw here, and was losing weight, albeit not as fast as I would have liked.  And I learned that it's really true when they say the surgeons work on our stomachs, not our heads.  I found that with the super crazy strict diet, I was heading down a path that was just as dark as the one that got me fat when it came to food.  I was still obsessing in a very bad way, just in the opposite direction.  I learned that even good food can be evil.  I started feeling guilty with every bite I ate.  I forced myself to eat what I was supposed to and when, but I hadn't dealt with my food devils, I had just changed their faces from ding dongs to steak.  

Then I had an emergency revision to RNY.  And boy oh boy talk about a weight loss kick start.  Holy crap, I lost a ton of weight in the first few weeks.  Of course, I had a lot more complications I now have to deal with, vitamins, blind stomach, ulcer risk, all the crap you try to avoid by having VSG in the first place.  But I had the added advantage of less ghrelin.  AND, I knew what my devils looked like now, so I decided to deal with them, instead of giving them a new face again.

I learned how to deal with why I ate, instead of focusing so much on what I ate.  Turns out, I really actually prefer healthy foods.  I eat when I'm depressed.  I eat when I'm bottling crap up, instead of dealing with it.  And when I finally learned how to deal with my demons, it turned out I could eat a single cookie, and not want a second.  And I'll be damned if I could eat one on one day, and not want another one for weeks and weeks.  It turned out that food wasn't my problem, I WAS MY PROBLEM.  What a kick in the butt that was.

I've read a million posts on here, and I'll be the first to agree that for 99.9% of folks, the vets have it right.  And when you read this, I'll tell you, you're one of the 99.9%.  Follow their advice.  And not just about the food.....get help.  Name your demons, look them in the face, figure them out and actually deal with them.  It isn't enough to just figure out what you eat, you need to figure out WHY you eat it.  Otherwise, you'll never be more than halfway there, regardless of what the scale says.

For me, once I figured mine out, things got so much easier.  All of a sudden, my goal stopped being about the number on the scale.  I'm still 20 pounds away from my original goal weight.  And you know what?  Not only can I live with that, I'm totally happy with it.  Once I figured it out, my goal became about all the NSV's, big and small, and I can tell you that I haven't been happier in years (since my dad died 13 years ago, and I decided to eat myself into an early grave, to be exact).

Here are some of my NSVs - these became my goals, and I'm proud to say I've accomplished every last one:

• Be light enough for my husband to pick me up
• Wear my husband's shirts
• Fit comfortably in an airplane seat
• Complete a 5k (I'll be honest, I look for fun runs, because I don't jog these, I tend to dance them, it's more fun)
• Ride a bicycle
• Go hiking with my daughter
• Buy clothes in the Misses section of the store
• Feel sexy when I'm naked in front of my husband
• Like how I look in the mirror
• Get hit on by a stranger
• Sit in my office chair with my legs crossed
• Think I have a cute butt in tight jeans :)
• Have a waist
• Buy a belt and wear it!
• Wear a little black dress with red lipstick and red high heels
• Stop hiding from the camera
• Feel confident when meeting new people
• Feel confident walking into business meeting
• Go dancing
• LIVE LIFE!

Here's a recent-ish comparison picture.

Happy day to everyone!

 

Wow! Happy surgiversary! You look absolutely amazing! I love reading the NSV's. They seem to be the most rewarding! I can't wait to join you on the loser's bench! 

Great post!  Thanks for sharing.

Congratulations!  Those are great NSVs! I can't wait to start working on my own list.  

Great post! You have really been through it on your journey.  

Those food demons are tough - think you have them under wraps & then they want to come out & visit again - constant battle!

congrats to you!

How did you figure out the "why" ?

I would love to say that it was through good counseling,  but it didn't turn out that way for me.  Sadly, I learned my "why" because I had a temper tantrum.  Kind of embarrassing. 

We live in a small town and there aren't a lot of choices for therapy, so I asked my husband to start challenging me when he saw me eating,  no matter what I was putting in my mouth. And most of the time I gave the right answer.  Then one day, it finally broke. And  the real answer came out "Because I'm thirty blah blah blah years old and I can have what I want!"

And my dear, sweet, cowboy logic husband said "Babe, you're thirty blah blah blah years old, and can have what you want....but is THAT what you really want? You've worked so hard and given up so much, do you REALLY want THAT?"

And I looked at it and realized that I didn't.  And then I flipped out. So he just stood there, and weathered the storm,  and when the tears and the hiccups stopped,  he asked me what I REALLY wanted. And the floodgates opened. So he weathered that storm (God love him)

And thus started a tradition.  I take the time now to think about whether or not it's actually the food I want, whether it's a cookie, or broccoli,  or tuna, or if there's something else I am missing that I'm trying to compensate for by eating.  And most of the time, I don't want the food. And now I find myself going to it less and less, and dealing with life more and more. It's actually pretty freeing.  No, it's really freeing.  I get to be me, and not a cookie, or broccoli or tuna. 

Like I said before, it won't work for everyone,  and most people (sadly) won't do the head work at all, they think that surgery fixes it all. But it's not a magic bullet.  Find your "why", however you have to find it. Surround yourself with support. Friends,  family,  counseling,  church, support groups,  whatever makes you strong.....that's how you'll win this fight. 

Very powerful.  I am glad you found your "why" and I am especially glad you found your "cowboy reasoning" husband.  :)

LOVE LOVE the "Cowboy Logic" !!!!!!!!!!!!

Some people have spent a lot of money on "Fuzzy Logic"

Takes a Cowboy to figure it out and break it down !!!!!

Thanks for keeping it Cowboy real !!!!

Compliments to you and your Cowboy...... best thing I've read in long time !!!!

frisco

This is wonderful. May we all embrace the why in our lives