RE:Kairk's post/ regain...

Hi Everyone,

The posts re regain have been hitting me especially hard as of late.  Before I start, Id like to say that I do have an appt with my surgeon on Thurs and his new RD.  I also realize its time to change Therps...they are not always a good fit.

So, lets begin with the word Maintenance...

Ive always said from the beginning that this is my greatest fear.  My journey thus far has been pretty uneventful physically.  I was a 10 year band revision so bumps that happened along the way weren't unexpected, for the most part. My surgery date was April 10, 2013 5'8 350lbs.  I made different goals scale wise along the way...170 was goal, 160 was goal, 155 goal, 150 goal, 145 final goal...ahh 143 goal.  Tuesday Nov 4 I was at 139.  My goal 138.  See where im heading?  I have so much fear of regain, being where I was, that no goal seems sufficient, adequate, good enough.  This is coming from someone who spent their whole life, from age 8, obese, mo, smo.  Im 49. 

Ive been told im unattractive as a thinner person, been told men who I dated at 300lbs wouldn't date me now, im too skinny, been told to eat a sandwich, put on about 50lbs and this is just a sampling of things ive heard/been told.

Im not starving so let me be quick to say this.  My labs were just done on Halloween and they are all fine with one exception...my pre albumin which ive had issues with since Oct 2013.  Im lower on cals-5-800 tho rarely reach 700. I do have days I could eat more than 4oz but not often.  My protein is above 60 and my carbs are under 40.  I don't eat junk and am not in the camp of moderation tho Im sure it works for some.  Im not one of them.  I do dump if I eat more than a tsp of peanut butter so I don't do that...not sure if its sugar or fat and yes I do know/understand dumping.   I stick with good, healthy foods and my protein shake. Im totally good with my meals/foods I cook and eat.  I eat out with my girls about every other week otherwise I cook for husb and self.

I remember telling Frisco a while ago that I don't see maintenance for me being much different than the weightloss stage.  However, my fear is that maybe ive taken it too far.  The fear of regain is very real and possibility is as well.  I cringe when I see new people eating crackers, rice, a bite of cake or whatever.  This is hard work.  The mental aspect is utterly ridiculous.  ****ake my divorce of 27 years was easier!!!

Im not sure where this is going or what I need/expect to hear.  Nobody in my life is aware of what im going through as of now.  I just need to hear something...I need to hear from those who get it.  Im sad thinking my weight will never be 'good enough'...Im not sure good enough for who tho...maybe just myself.

I posted a couple new pics taken last weekend...about 144lbs.  I posted them for feedback.  Please don't worry about hurting my feelings...not sure that's possible any more.  The little one in the pics is my 3.5 yr old Mamaws boy lol.  He is indeed my heart.

Thank you for listening and in advance.  I appreciate this group.

tia     

Before looking at your pictures I was going to post

that you are too thin, based on your height alone..

I would be wrong!

I think you look good!

i also think a heathy fear of regain is a GOOD THING!

but I think you may be leaning towards an unhealthy fear of it

and it's Definatly something to work on w/a therapist...

as for guys not dating you at your weight now..

of course not!!

the prefer chubby woman and you are no longer one!

try not to let the naysayers get to you..

If you are happy with yourself 

and YOU SHOULD BE... That's all that matters!

I think you look perfectly fine. Not too thin at all. I totally get your fear of regain. For a long time, maybe 8 months or so, I was within 4-7 lbs from my goal weight and I was consciously staying there, kind of in maintenance but still telling myself that I was in weight loss mode because I wasn't at goal yet. Truth is I was scared to get to goal and regain so it was easier mentally to maintain within a stone's throw of goal and stay on track that way. In the end I got there. And it is a scary place. I haven't regained yet but it is a sword of Damocles pretty much over my head all the time. I am not obsessing about it but it crosses my mind at least once a day. Maybe that is obsessing!? 

Anyway, all we can do is the best we can do. You look great!!

Tia - I've looked at your pics and don't think you look "too thin".  I think you look just right.  Having said that, it's time to increase the calories, carbs and protein.  You can't continue with 700 calories a day and remain healthy - it will start to take a toll.  

When you go into maintenance you will see the more angular parts of you start to soften as things move around and shift into different places.  It's a good thing!  I like my face and body MUCH more now than I did a year ago when I hit goal weight.  

I agree with the OP who advised you to get into therapy to deal with the "not good enough" issue.  It will haunt you forever unless you get it addressed professionally.  It sounds like it's a very strong "voice" in your head and you need some help to combat it.   

Hey tia,

I read your post 3 times and looked at your pics twice.

First...... compliments to you !!!!!!

All I see is "perfection"...... everything looks correct to me, you look VERY HEALTHY !!!!!

Early maintenance is about 80% WL mode, just add a few more calories and more fiber.

Here are my observations....

You totally "get it" in every way..... a bit to much in one way (I'll get to that).

- You know what to eat

- You know how much your eating

- You prepare and/or cook most your meals

- Your conscious of re-gain

I hate to mention this next part in an open forum because you have a little to much of what most people need more of....

Fear..... fear is a good thing, but you may have just a little to much. The good news is that it is much easier to dial back a little fear than to step up the fear.

As time goes on be conscious of converting some of that fear into confidence, this just takes a little time while you get used to the newer you.

The comments..... Fuck'em, at the end of the day the only person you need to please is yourself. Be proud of yourself that you got yourself healthy.

Nothing but praise from me..... Way to go !!!!

frisco

I think you look great now. At 5'-8" also, my goal is 140, but only because I'm over 60 now. At 25 I weighed 130 and looked great, at 122 people thought I was sick, at 140 I think I will be fine. YOU will too! I could totally live with 135 but if I never see it again, fine. Bones are sticking out now.It was good to hear things will shift around some. hopefully soon. Fear is good to a point, like Frisco said. I think if you add a few more calories (healthy source of course) you will see you CAN do this and the fear will start to receed. Therapy with the right person helps too. Learning to trust our bodies can be hard.

First off - screw those people who think they have the right to tell you how your body should be and that they wouldn't date you now.  Seriously.  What sort of misogynistic body shaming bull**** is that?  Don't give any of your headspace to their comments.  

That said, I'm glad that you're thinking of finding a new therapist.  It seems like that might be a really great strategy to try to sort out all the head stuff you're experiencing right now.  But hang in there and be kind to yourself.  I think you're pretty amazing!

You know I have heard people say to other people that they looked better fat before. I always want to smack them. These are the same people that would have ridiculed and ignored the person when they were fat, so screw anyone who is a big enough POS to spout that crap to you.

I have not been sleeved and am only in the very beginning stages but I totally understand how you feel. In fact it is one of my top two greatest fears. I have been thin before and when I was I hated myself probably more then than I even do now. No weight was ever good enough, I was never good enough. I'm going to therapy for it but honestly I don't know the answer. Just hang in there and keep working on both your inside and outside!

You know, you look just fantastic! Really, you do!

As for me... I told my truth. And again, I will repeat - REGAIN IS A CHOICE. When it comes right down to it, it really is a choice - conscious or not. We always have a choice about what to put in our mouths,  chew and swallow.

Losing weight is an emotional journey. If you are happy where you are weight wise, then enjoy. I'd be happy at your weight if I were you! I was happy at my goal weight, but I did listen to people who thought I was too thin. I wish I had realized that most of them just weren't used to seeing me as a thin person.

You have a healthy fear of regain - maybe a bit too much fear, but I think that's a heck of a lot better than where I was with no fear at all!

Take on the day and find the path that works for you.

First, you look great. you just need to get used to being this size. others may not be used to it but thats their problem.  I had a conversation with my surgeon about this issue as I ended up a little below goal weight. he said i was fine, not too thin and had a bmi still in the normal range and not to worry about it.  you should do that too.   try adding more veggies and such to your diet. i was told to add 100 calories a day to my diet for a week or two and then another 100 until i found my maintenance calories which is 1200 to 1300.   keep at it and get into the vsg maintenance group.  diane