I AM NOT TOO THIN!!

I am very upset.  We were having dinner, on Saturday and my husband kept suggesting things for me to order at the restaurant when he knows I choose not to eat bread and pasta yet or the very creamy high calorie potatoes he kept pushing me to try.  I  was not rude about it but I am sure he could tell I was not appreciating his trying to push high fat ,high calorie  food.

I am not sure how the conversation  got there but he literally told me that I was starting to look weird, I had lost too much weight , that I was too thin.  I was in shock, it was not so much what he said but how he said it.  I could translate this into: "I do not find find you attractive"  he did not say it but this is the message that I got from the way he said it.  It took a lot of self control  not cry and say anything nasty. It ruined the entire night to say the least.  He apologized for what he said, did not say he did not mean it, that I looked good, that he was happy I was getting healthier. He just apologized for telling me.  It has been 4 days and I am really hurt and cannot forget it.

I have lost 50 lbs and still am  20 lbs from my goal weight.  I am still considered overweight by the doctors charts. I feel great, I am/was very excited at finally being thin. I am not too thin!  

He was supportive when I decided to get a sleeve, at least he said he was, he was like you want to do it go ahead. Yesterday he apologized again and we ended up fighting. He explained  that he  had said it that way because it bothers him that we cannot go to all the places to eat we used to, that HE cannot enjoy food as before!   I asked him exactly what places we are not able to go it, really I eat everywhere just choose what I can eat, he could not think of a single place. He also eats every damn thing he wants!

 I cannot get over it! We went to the movies last night and I kept seeing curvier women and wondering if this is what he wants me to look like. My self esteem is shattered. I know I should not rely on him to make me feel good but I am so heartbroken. Home is where I am supposed to feel safe and accepted no matter what I eat or what I look like. I am  so confused, I  want to be healthy but I want to be attractive to my husband.  It is hard to be happy when I fear my marriage might end because I am losing weight. It is just stupid and he is not usually an irrational man, how can food  stand between us?     Anyone have this happen?

My husband hasn't said I am too thin, yet. But I do know it's coming. He is a big guy and loves to eat, he hates that I don't eat like I used to. Our lives used to be centered around eating or going out to eat. I have explained to him that it doesn't tempt or bother me to see him eat whatever he wants. He has trouble "getting" that. He just says, I miss my eating buddy.  I do still go out to eat with him, just not as much and it certainly isn't the center of choosing an activity for me since I have had surgery.

I doubt that he finds you unattractive, I think it may be more of missing the going out and sharing big meals. Maybe try to suggest other things to do for fun?

Like you I still go out and eat less, I let him pick the restaurant too.  Movies and food are what he loves to do, when we go to the movies  he again tries to give me chocolate!  I have suggested going walking and  that did not work.  Maybe he just thinks I am judging him when he eats, he does overeat of course.  I have to admit that I do judge in my mind, he eats  so much fat and so much period.  Just like I did. 

He sounds very food oriented. Was over-eating something that you guys did together? He may partly be reacting to the loss of that activity.

For sure I overate with him. What I do not get is that  we still go out to eat! 

Has not happened to me but....this is not only a big change for you, but also for him. I would suggest counceling for seperately and/or together. It could really help. Even if you go by yourself, you could learn to handle this kind of thing without the heartbreak hurting quite so much. We are warned about the emotional changes for us and our loved ones after surgery and there is totally a reason for that.

I would wait until you calm down, and then talk to him about it. If it's a real problem for him, then maybe counseling is a good idea.

It sounds like therapy might be a good course of action - both solo and couples therapy. This is a huge lifestyle change and it's not easy for us or our partners!  A therapist can help sort out the head side of things :)

Thanks guys on the therapy recommendation it really had not occurred to me. I am not sure it he will agree but as you suggest maybe I can learn to handle this situation better even if he does not change or still finds me eating less a problem. 

I'm not saying that you should DTMFA over this, but I do know that, for me, refusal to work to fix a problem is my big relationship deal breaker.  :/