You know what - that is a great idea about preparing in advance! In fact, it's another way I can help out. Once a month, I prepare all of my lunches - I make up 3-4 different dishes, divide them into individual containers, and freeze them. It would be little trouble for me to make a few extra dishes up in advance (or even double portion what I'm already making). That might ease the burden a little.
Also a great idea about the pedicures! I will be honest, most of her hobbies revolve around food. She goes out to lunch with her girlfriends almost daily, and usually goes out to dinner with them 1-2 nights a week. That being said, she is addicted to her mani/pedis. Not something I ever really considered, but perhaps it's worth a shot as a date night activity. Perhaps mani/pedis and some clothes/shoe shopping would be a great replacement (the key here will be get agreement that this is a REPLACEMENT, and not IN ADDITION TO) for dinner out.
Awesome tips, thanks - exactly what I was looking for. If you have any other ideas of what you've forced your husband to do, please share :-) !! I'm pretty open minded and willing to try just about anything.
Ah ok now I understand her wanting to go out for meals. Maybe plan make ahead meals on the weekend so it alleviates her having to cook every night during the week and you two could make them together? There are so many different meals that can be made and then froze for future use. Then it would be just popping it in the oven to cook during the week. Does she make crockpot meals? Trying to think of things that can be done ahead of time so you both can just relax at night during the week.
As for a date night are there any hobbies or things she has said she wanted to try in the past? Something that you would be willing to join her in? Heck I have talked my husband into getting a pedicure with me and he like it.
We probably have dinner at home 4-5 nights a week. Much more than we used to. I don't want to mis-characterize my wife, she is quite supportive of my new lifestyle overall, she just still really longs for the dinner's out.
I think part of it is that she does not work outside the home, so she is responsible for dinners and for her, going out alleviates her from having to do part of her job. I don't get home until about 7pm, so the idea of me prepping and cooking dinner at that point for our family is not realistic. I did make dinner for us this weekend as she was particularly busy as I knew it was going to lead to a request to go out - which would result in me opting to stay home, and her being somewhat frustrated with me. That worked out well, and she was very thankful for me helping out. I think by doing more cooking on the weekends (which I am definitely willing to do), it would help some, but doesn't necessarily solve the weeknight dilemma.
So, I think part of it is that she prefers to go out so she doesn't have to cook, there is no denying that she is a pro at coming up with excuses as to why she didn't have time to prepare dinner ;-). Part of it is that when she wants time with me, that used to be our go-to activity, and this is where I'm struggling to find alternatives that she's open to.
I take it that not many meals are made at home? Maybe date night could be the both of you finding yummy meals you can make together at home. What does she like to get at restaurants?
I love to cook and when my husband asked me where I wanted to go for Valentine's Day I said our kitchen. He isn't sure what I am making tonight, but he knows it will be better and healthier than any restaurant can make.
How do you all deal with "date night" or activities in general with your spouse/partner?
Prior to my WLS about a year ago, my wife and I primarily went out to dinner for our entertainment. In fact, I just looked it up - we eat out about 500 times a year. Yes, almost 10 times a week. Over the last year, I have abstained from many most of those meals (we have a daughter at home, so her and my wife still go out a lot).
I am perfectly fine with my wife and daughter going out. After all, it was me who changed, not them, and I don't feel they should have to stop eating out to accommodate me. The problem is that I know my wife is not ok with it. It bothers her, and she has a very hard time truly accepting it. I've tried to explain time and time again that I prefer to eat at home because I am more in control of what I put in my body, and am capable of making delicious and nutritious food. When I go out to eat, not only do I have to be hyper vigilant about what I am eating, but I also generally end up relegated to menu items that frankly, are not that good. Therefore, I am willing to go out from time to time, but I derived little to no pleasure from it, and would prefer to avoid it unless necessary.
This just came up yet again with Valentine's Day. My wife said "oh, our daughter has an activity that night, so we are free if you want to go out somewhere for dinner!" And I know by her voice that she (for some reason) expects me to be thrilled by this opportunity. She says "think about somewhere you would like to go!". So, once again, I try to very calmly explain that there really is no where that I want to go, and that if this is something she wants to do, I am willing to accompany her, but she should just chose the restaurant because I am basically indifferent and will just be trying to make it work. I can tell this makes her very angry. She wants me to WANT this, but I just don't anymore.
And this leads to the bigger issue - if our time together no longer centers around dining out, what do we do? We still see the occasional movie, but aside from that we have little common ground in activities. I would love to go to the gym together, take walks, even just go grab coffee and chat, but none of these are things she is interested in. She is fairly overweight herself and not in the best of health, so she generally does not want to do any physical activities while I am now the exact opposite.
How have the rest of you coped with this? Any suggestions?
Hello Again Everyone,
It's been a while since I posted anything. . . . Thank you all so much for your kind words, support and likes! This WLS journey has been interesting to say the least. I have plateaued at around 180 lbs and that is a good weight for me considering I'm 6'2" flat footed. So needless to say I'm gorgeous! LOL! I am now officially divorced from my husband and the kicker is the woman he is now engaged to is only 2 sizes larger than me which just confirmed his issues were never my weight but in fact his own insecurities.
My life is AMAZING now and I know that everything happens for a reason because NOTHING just happens. I know that God is in control and that my future is brighter than my past. I'm a licensed preacher and I have had the most amazing time sharing my story and the word of God with women and wives all over the world through my ministry called Wives Connected By Faith. Look me up on FB. :)
Ladies, look this choice is your choice but you must discuss it with your partner or husband to make sure you are BOTH on the same page. I did it for health reasons and there were casualties to my choice. We live or die by the choices we make and for every choice, good or bad, there is most definitely a consequence. But in the end I won and I feel FABULOUS! Be encouraged and know that you are not alone.
Big Hugs & Much Luv,
Take Care & God Bless
You just told my story....26 years of marriage...over. No abuse but infidelity (his part).
If your open to sharing more details about what your seeing, examples that bother you, and so on I'm sure people here have been through it and will give you what info/advice they have.
I had VSG, my hubs did not. I can tell you a few things about us losing weight together and his feeling about having a much harder time keeping it off. But I'm not sure what sort of issues your having.
Age:40|Height: 5'9"|Lap Band 2/11/08 |Revision VSG 3/14/16
The cake is a lie, but Starbucks is not.
on 1/16/17 10:47 pm
your post really rang true with me "felt. like I was cheating on you with a thin woman...." I lost 96 pounds a year out from my lapband surgery. I did not get stick model thin, but you could totally see the pronounced outline of the larger bones of my skeleton and my ribcage. We (he and I) have had to do some serious head work. He got jelous but did not say it, his bodylanguage and sudden want to take me out to eat all the time spoke volumes. It also brought out some poor psychology for him. He grew up poor and sometimes there was not enough to eat growing up so his mother would not eat. She went without so her kids could have food on their plates, then growing up as a young adult on his own with his first spouse, they where so poor they could not afford to go out to eat at all, they would meet after work at a local diner and just order ho****er which was free back then and they would bring tea from home.
He loves to go out to eat, he would tell me prior to WLS honey order the steak I can afford it. It was a "male provider thing" I guess for him knowing that he could afford a heafty meal.
After WLS you can't eat that way, you graze in comparison to how you use to eat before. I kept on telling him honey, I'm full don't worry I have had more then enough. The weight came off, the more I worked out the more my body changed. The clothes became loose, then baggy, then the day I whipped thru every pice of clothing in our double closet and nothing fit, even with a belt.
I swore almost in defiance I did not believe that it had happened. NOTHING FIT, not my bras, or slacks, and even my shoes where getting loose. It had been a year since surgery it was winter I was cold. He took me shopping it was not much, two pairs of jeans (my skinny ***** pants) a fancy top, a new bra, and dress, a pair of bike leggings, and a workout bra and a new winter coat.
I cut my hair, short. I loved it it showed the features of my face and my ears. My husband loved my long hair, but due to the effects of WLS or alopica I will never know it has fallen out bad. And the short hair made me feel pretty and I could not notice as much the hair loss. I felt different in my skin, I became aware of my bones, my bones that hurt in a way that never hurt before when we where intimate. I questioned to myself is it me? or is he being to rough with me now that i'm thinner is he punishing me?
He never admitted his fears, or his anger to me, I overheard him talking to my Dad. "She walks differently now, long strides, I know she's walking our dog and he's a beast when it comes to his walks and they are good for eachother. But The men around the complex they notice her, I take her to the mall, and the guys her age they stare.... what if she don't want me anymore." I did not stop to hear what my dad said to him. My heart was broken. I did not have WLS to look "fly" for another man. I did it for health reasons and so what if I look "fly" for my spouse? I walked all over heck with our dog because he needed the walks and so did I. I was being polite when I said good afternoon to our fellow renter in misery(the complex we lived at sucked). He would joke here we are every day at the **** box and ever any bags why do we pay our doggie rent? We would talk, he wanted to know if I was ok I guess to him I looked ill he did not know I had WLS. So I told him nope not ill had WLS. He said my husband was a lucky man.
We moved twice, my dad got sick and died, my band is empty and I'm just as big as ever now, my husband never looks at me, and I'm full of resentment on a grand scale. I lost 96 lbs. and gained back all of it. and I wonder is he satisfied?
I had my WLS in 2010 and filed for divorce later that year after 25 years of being with the same man. We had it all...beautiful home, great jobs, cars, 2 kids and what appeared to be the American dream.
While in my post-op phase I went to see my doctor and told him how I was feeling like a million bucks in my new-found life. We got into the subject of my marriage and I told him I had been unhappy before the WLS and thought that the depression from being overweight was the cause of my marriage issues. He told me that he felt sometimes people just accept their lives as they are and settle. I had never looked at it that way, but as I started to re-think my reasons for being in my marriage, I honestly came to the conclusion that I was settling. In my head, who would want me fat? Who would want me with 2 kids? How would I survive without him being single after being married half my life? The list goes on. Of course, he went nuts when I asked for a divorce, scared me with his erratic behavior and threats (which made me lose even more weight!) but in the end, everything worked out. Been divorced 6 years now and we're friends, parent our kids and bugs me just as much as when we were married. Your new found confidence and mindset will lead the way and you'll be fine whatever option you choose.