3-25-05 I am currently at about 315- need to be under 300 for doc to schedule the surge... I started at 357 in September. I will let you know how things go.

4-14-05 ok, so i gained a few pounds, and lost a few pounds this month. Currently, I am at 313- grrrr. I have personal goal to lose 10 pounds by May 8th. If so, then the Dr. will at least see me and start the scheduling process for my surge date. Other than that, not much is new here.

5-1-05 Man, time goes by fast. I am still here, pushing through weight loss... Still May 8 looms in the not so far future. I think I have about 7 pounds to go before we can get the ball rolling for my surgery date... and I CAN NOT WAIT ANY LONGER. Come to find out though may 8 (my personal goal to be ready for the surge) is a Sunday... so, I guess I have till may 9- i will go in that day and be weighed, then they will start scheduling process for my surgery date. YAY!. This week is going to be tough, I am going to starve it out... but it will be worth it in the long run.

5-8-2005 I am not at my pre-op goal. I just want to sit down and cry right now. I tried so hard this whole week. I was so strict with my diet and I even exercised (*GASP*). You know what, I didn?t loose a damn pound. I was 313 again this morning on the scale. ggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Today was also mothers day and there was a giant feast my dad made for my mom... and me, being an emotional eater and frustrated with my stagnate weight, dug right in. I have to loose these last few pounds or I will never get a surgery date. I have been doing this since freaking September. Enough is enough already.

5-15-05 Well, 6 pounds to go till I can get scheduled (that?s right, I have only lost one damn pound since last post). I am a tad nervous as I am going on a small trip and that is always tempting to eat while out of my daily structure and environment. Wish me luck. I will keep you posted.

5-17-05 Scales LIE! It says i only have 5 more pounds to go. Well, under normal circumstances, I would be ecstatic. Too bad I have eaten like a pig since Friday. So, woe is me. I guess I will have to go down to the nutrition clinic today and get my real weight. Blah!

5-21-05 I just got back from my best friends wedding. I was the Maid of Honor- I am now afraid to weigh in, because after the rehearsal dinner and being fed for about 72 hours straight, i fear the gainage that took place. I could have made better food choices, but I kept thinking "This is a once in a life time thing, I better enjoy myself" And as many of you know, food is so enjoyable... but this thinking has got to stop. All it is doing is making my life harder. I felt so uncomfortable at the wedding, because many people on the grooms side had never met me, so they I know the first thing they saw was a fatty, and I am sure they were disappointed. Since the bride and groom are both GEORGEOUS people. Ok, I have to stop thinking about all this. Good night for now. FUNNY QUOTE I HEARD: THERE IS A SKINNY PERSON TRAPPED INSIDE ME, SCREAMING TO GET OUT... BUT I CAN SHUT HER UP WITH A FEW CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES. just thought that was funny... and true. lol

5-29-05 Ok, this time I know the scale is correct and I am so freaking happy. 309.4- I know, I barely lost a thing since the beginning of the month... HOWEVER, I did gain when I went to the wedding and it has been really hard to loose it. So, 4 pounds to go before I can be scheduled- doc said i have to be 5 pounds within 300.

5-31-05 Well, after exercising for 2 days (which is almost unheard of for me) I haven?t lost anything. Actually the scale says that I gained 2 pounds... which seems off to me. I don?t know though, could be true? I am going on a no carb diet in hopes of quickly purging my body of these last 5 pounds.

6-2-05 As you can see I am on day 3 of the no carb...and have lost 3 pounds. So my official weight today was 307.6, 2 more pounds and doc will schedule me and then i have to be under 300 for the surgery... which shouldn?t be problem since my guess is that my operation date will be like 3-4 months away. :/ 6-2-05, later/same day as last post: Well, i think i might kill someone for bread right about now. Grrr. I really didn?t think I would get bad sugar cravings and I really haven?t but carbs I miss! That said if I have to eat one more piece of meat I might hurl. I am sick of this diet. Which worries me, since postop I need protein. And well, I am a carb whore. But maybe this is just a good place to "train" for the postop lifestyle.

6-3-05 Another pound lost... I am now at 306.4- At this rate I should be able to call or go into the doc on Monday and hopefully get a date. I looked up some information I have and it says that I will be referred to a Case Manager before seeing my surgeon... so, well, I hope that doesn?t slow anything down with regards to actually scheduling. But even so, the weight will be gone and that?s the hard part, right? (later the same day)- Well since I have been weighing in early in the morning after going potty and before breakfast, I was certain that was cheating... so I hauled myself down to the local nutrition clinic (my bariatric program is in Richmond, CA- about 45 min away from me) but I went to the big mother load digital scale at my local place to see what I would weigh mid day, fully clothed (well, i took of my filpflops) but I had my "heavy" jeans on... And It said I weighed in at 307- which is so so so good, because I feared that it might be more that that mid day and fully clothed and all. Whew. *Sigh of Relief* So Monday still seems tangible!!! YAY!!!

6-4-05 WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Today I was at 305- which is the official weight I need to be to be scheduled... to bad my surgeon office is closed for the weekend and on Monday I have to work... but still, Tuesday I am going in- but I don?t have an appointment, but I don't think I need one. I hate the no carb thing by the way. Its disgusting! But I might stick with it a little longer just because the success has been so good. I will let you know how things go on Tuesday. Ok, so I made cookies today... but they were "low carb" just 1 cup peanut butter, 1 cup splenda, 1 egg, 1 tsp. baking powder. So, the only carb was from the peanut butter, which has few, but still, I ate more than just a few. lol. but I doubt it will stall my loss much. But I feel SO GUILTY! why? *a few min later* ok, I found out why- because peanut butter has way WAY more carbs then i thought. *a few hours later* Ok, what did I do? Cut back for the remainder of the day? NOPE. I got a large pizza and ate the toppings off 4 slices. Blah! Now i feel like sh*t and pizza sauce must have tons of carbs in it. Sigh. Better tomorrow for sure.

6-05-05 Ok, so the low carb thing (by the way I keep saying no carb, when I really mean low carb) Anyway, I completely fell off the diet today. I was doing so very well... but I don?t know what happened. I was sitting there, the left over pizza was sitting there. I had way too much, bread and all. Then being guilt ridden I skipped diner completely. Which is pretty stupid too, I don't do well skipping meals. But I had too. I NEED to be under 305 when I go to the docs office on Tuesday. Possibly tomorrow, but not sure. Turns out I only have to work till Noon, so if I am under 305 at noon, I am going in... I highly doubt I will be under that though. Surprisingly, I still feel like this isn?t my weight. I keep having dreadful thoughts that even if I weigh in at a weight here that I will get to docs office and be a complete other (heavier) weight. Maybe because I don't see a change in my body. I still am wearing the same clothes I wore when I started and was 50 pound heavier, but I guess they do fit now and are not tight. hahaha. But I do NOT see much change at all. Which leads me to my next thought of what if my belly is still too big to operate. Since the main reason my doc said I had to be under 300 at time of operation was because I am so apple shaped (and thus carry most of my weight in my tummy area). Wow, I have really rambled today.

6-06-05 I called my bariatric center today, because I am 5 pounds within my preop goal. I tell the lady and she sayas "Oh, we changed that policy, now you have to be AT goal" ARG. Of course, I was rude and responded with "Oh, I didnt know since no one from your office called to tell me that" She was so mean :( But now I have a weight check next Monday. Then I will get a Case Manager appointment and there I will get a date!!! YAY! but she said it takes a few weeks for the Case Manager appointment... and then I asked how far out they are scheduling the surgery, she said about a month out... which is WAY GOOD. Hopefully I will have the operation in August then. Fingers crossed.

6-07-05 I was still doing low carb. Down another pound. Now, after careful consideration, I have chosen to go off the low carb. Let me shed some light on why; not only has it been extremely hard for me because I like carbs, but I have also been nauseated and sickly on this diet. I know that ppl go on sugar with draws, but it was more than that for me. I just think I was choosing poor (aka fatty foods) and my body rejected the fat. In a bad, bad way. (Many, many trips to the restroom, if you know what I mean). I also took into consideration what I have been eating. For example, yesterday I ONLY ate a chicken breast (maybe 4 oz) and a hamburger patty. That isnt very many calories- so I think that the drastic caloric decrease also is contributing to my loss. When I was on a 1000 calorie diet I was loosing roughly 1/2-1 pound daily. Which is what I am going back on. I am sure that everyone is different, but for me this is the best choice. Also, one main reason the doc wanted me to be under 300 was to shrink the fatty liver that I am sure to have. The low carb (high fat) diet was only making my liver worse I am sure. So, back to restricted calories.

6-9-05 I went off low carbs and gained a pound, which i expected... then I got frustrated and went back on low carbs and gained 2 more! *CRIES* why? why? yesterday I didnt eat hardly any carbs and now I am all the way back up to 307. I NEED to be under 300 by monday. I dont know what I am going to do. I hate how nothing is falling into place for the sugery, nothing has fallen into place. I am a believer that everything happens for a reason... so, if I am not supposed to have this why was I even approved?!? I am going to do this. I will loose. I will!

6-10-05 I was still at 307 today. Now all hope is lost, I need to change my monday appoinment, theres no way I can lose 7 pounds in 3 days. I cant even describe how frustrated I am right now. I have stuck with the damn diet(s) and this is just horrible.

6-30-05 Not going well... this is much more emotinal that I thought it would be... I need to buck up and loose!

7-07-05 Well, I just don't know what to do with myself. LOL. Seriously, there must be some reason I have not been loosing. Not medical, but maybe it just hasn't been the "right" time for me to have WLS. Not to get religious on you all, but maybe this is happening all for a reason beyond my control.... That said, I think I might by at goal sometime next week. My job is working with youth and we are hosting a day camp... which means i will be MUCH more active and have less oppertunity to eat throug out the day... Cross your fingers folks. This just might be the week that I meet my pre op goal!!!!!!

12-10-05
SO MUCH HAS CHANGED. I gave up on Kaiser... or they gave up on me. Either way, I decided to self pay (thank you mom) and went and saw a new surgeon on Dec 8th. That day I was scheduled for surgery on December 27th! I have basically everything done now, just some bloodwork left and I am on my way to being on the other side. Another major change is that I am not having RNY, but VG. Which is the best operation choice for *me*. I have an appointment monday morning with my PCP, hopefully he will order the bloodwork, so my insurance will cover it. I will keep you posted.

12-12-05
After researching my new surgery type (VG) and considering all the risks and everything that has transpired thus far with regards to WLS, I finally am seeing why I went through the Kaiser ordeal... also, affectionately known as Kaiser Hell. I feel so much better about having VG then I did about RNY and I also feel much more at easy with Doctor Jossart and their staff. I had an appointment with Kaiser this morning and remembered how terrible they really are. I hate to talk smack about a place that I am sure does a lot of good in this world, but man... then my PCP had the nerve to question the care I was going to recieve outside of Kaiser, since I told her I was getting WLS somewhere else. Please lady! Then, I asked her if she could prescribe my blood tests, so my insurance would cover it... which she agreed to. But then I handed her the check list Dr. Jossart gave me... and she did not know what some of them were. And if that were not bad enough she scoffed at one of them and said some comment to the effect of "This is a lot of tests, I mean, do you really need all these? Pregnancy test? hahaha"... Ok, lady, yes, I would like to think when it comes to health care the phrase "better safe then sorry" should apply and heaven forbid we be extra careful when dealing with a high risk surgery... gah... Then I went to records so I could get my physc test and sleep apnea results and the lady said it would take 15 business days to get and then I would have to pay for it! What, I have to pay for MY medical record? That is lame... and I told her I had to get it before my surgery and she told me it MIGHT be ready the 25th... um, that is Christmas lady and a Sunday... So, I told her this and she looked at me like I was the crazy one. Lets pray I get my records in time... Just the whole mentallity of Kaiser bothers me.

But on a better note, I have been quite active lately. Which, is good. Also, I have been cutting down on my carbs... and I am quite proud of myself for still not drinking soda, since I used to have a 6+ can a day habbit... it has been about a month since my last soda... so that is one less thing I will have to worry about come post op.

12/30/05
My VG WLS was on Tuesday. I went in at 6:00 am and my surgery was at 7:30 am. Everything went well. I had an overnight hospital stay and went home about Noon on Wednesday. I am still in pain and actually felt more comfortable in the hospital than I do here here at home. Most likely because of the bed they have and the pain medicine. But overall, it is not too bad. More discomfort than anything. Getting all my liquids in is such a chore, but each day gets easier. I will update more when I am feeling better.

1/1/06
Today has been such a struggle. My family was all at church and I was out of protein, so I thought perhaps I could muster the strength and take myself to the store.

When I got into my car, my brother (who had used it the night before) had put on the E-brake, which to release it you need to pull a lever. I was too week to pop it. I tried for a good 5 min to pull as hard as I could, but I just didn't have enough strength. So, as any normal food-less fat person would do, I cried for a good 15 minutes. :( I finally got it to pull out, my theory is that the anger transended into energy.

So, on my way to Rite Aid. (where online says they carry my shake brand) Nope, don't carry them. Ok, well, I was close to Walmart and thought maybe walking into/around such a large store would be good for me. Nope, they did not carry them either. So, I turned around and went to the original store where I knew they carry them. Sold out. Now mind you, my energy level is already low. And getting in and out of my SUV is quite the chore.

At this point it is 2:00pm and I have had nothing to drink all day, so I went to one final store. THEY HAD 2!!! I bought both.

Well, after this long story, I guess my point is that really I did not expect to have such low energy. I mean, I know that in the long run this WLS will give me more energy, but right now 350 cals. a day is really putting a strain on me and my body. Very unhealthy. And I am staying on this liquid/protein diet until my follow-up on Jan. 19th (which just so happens to be my *~*~*Birthday*~*~*).

On a lighter note, I had my first sugar free popscicle last night. Tropical Pineapple. I was in heaven for a good 5 minutes. I couldn't finish the entire thing, but what I had was WONDERFUL :)

1/2/06
I slept in my bed last night. What a difference! I feel so so so much better. My back doesnt hurt. My shoulders do tho, lol. Not too bad. Not nearly as bad as my back was hurting. And in turn I feel like I can walk around much eaiser today. I may even *choose* to go the store today on my own accord and not out of force :)

I am having fun with my "firsts". Like everytime something happens after WLS. Like the first time I went to the store alone, the first time I got to sleep in my own bed, you get the idea. Well, moments ago I just had my first PostOp sneeze: OUCH! It hurt.

1/5/06
I feel like I am losing slower then expected. Sure 10 pounds in a week is nice, but I could do that on my own sometimes and I would get to eat. I dont get hungry at all, and I wouldnt call it "head hunger"... but I want to eat so bad! Makes me concerned that when I am allowed to eat I won't know what is appropriate and what is not.

I do feel signifincantly better though. I think sleeping in my own bed (albeit on my back) has really helped.

I am going to try to walk more, but I am so exhasted all the time, I don't know how people go walking with only 300 cals worth of energy a day.

Ok, a person from the hospital just called to check up on me. I did not know that was going to happen... but boy did it make me feel better! She said as long as I was moving that it is a good thing and getting in exercise right now is hard and not to worry. She didn't ask what my weight was, so I guess I dont know how to compare to what is normal. She also said that my protein intakes, although are lower then my goal, are ok for now because I am still so new as a PostOp. That was very assuring because everyday I don't meet my mark, I feel like crap. But overall, she made me feel better then I was. I just try too hard to do this right and it doesn't help sometimes when I get comments like "your guide says blah blah and that is not where you are at" or "craving food like this now will make you fail". Yes, those things have been said to me. I know they are trying to make me succeed in this, but it really starts to eat at me. (no pun inteneded)

1/6/06
I tried some new protien drinks... nasty. All of them. So as of now I am sticking to my Carb Solutions... but I am lacking variety big time, can not wait for my online sample order to arrive. But yesterday I did get in around 60g protein, which for me is fantastic. Still lacking on the fluids overall though.

Other than that not much is new. I went to Costco and two grocery stores today, and walked around quite a bit- which is better then nothing, right? And I still have to go to work, so slowly I am upping my activity level. I bought some workout clothes online and hopefully by the time they arrive I will have enough energy to be walking regularly. My birthday is aproaching as well and I think I am going to ask for a step (like for aerobics). I took a class in high school and LOVED it, so I think that will be really helpful :)

1/8/06
I am officially starting my workout routine tomorrow morning. I am going to try to walk at least a half hour in the morning for the first week and then by week two (maybe sooner) add another half hour workout of some sort at night. Hopefully this propells my weight loss even more and will get me into healthy habits for when I will need them as I am futher out. And guess what?? Yesterday I was about 7 oz. shy of my fluids goal and only about 15g of protein short. Today I have had 25g already and am going to try to mix my own "super protein" shake later and if I finish it, I will have gotten exactly enough to reach my 70g goal for the day!

I am having really bad gas though lately. And I am a bit nerveous because I have not had my period since I went off birth control as a PreOp. (and I am NOT pregnant, lol) So I am concerned that my periods are going to be affected :( 1/12/06 ONE WEEK TILL I CAN EAT AGAIN! I am so tired of liquids, just to have something in my mouth, that I can chew will be nice. Also, next thursday is my birthday... wow. It will be a fun day. Lots of excitement. I have been doing MUCH better with my protein intake. I got a big tub of Nectar Fuzzy Navel and it is actually pretty good. I am working on getting fluids in, which I have not been keeping too much track of. Bad. I am feeling much better, can't wait till I can sleep on my belly though. That will be a happy night for me. LOL.

1/13/06 Everyone kept telling me that I would "turn a corner and feel better" but they all mentioned this happened around day 5-7... well, today, as I am nearly 18 days out, it finally happened! It was like MAGIC when I woke up this morning. My belly wasn't sore, my back did not hurt, I felt more alive! I hope this lasts. I was still a bit tired this morning, but by mid afternoon, I was just like I was preop... what a wonderful day! I am kind of mad at myself for ever stepping on a scale though, I think mine is messed up... actually I am certain of it. I will step on it and then no more then 5 minutes later it will give another reading. If time permits, I will go to the nut clinic and see what theirs says tomorrow.

1/14/06 Today I went to a restraunt. I am shocked that I could handle it, but actually t'was not that bad. An old friend came to town and we met up and even though I asked we not go out to eat, we did anyway... she is selfish like that. It was even at California Pizza Kitchen, which I have a STRONG LOVE for pizza and I was expecting it to be horrible, and it wasnt! Yay. I also had a bit of an emotional disagreement with my mother, and wanted to turn to food. It would have been much worse, exept I was completely facinated with the food ties that particular emotion had. I wanted a specific food and recalled all the other emotions I tied with that food and they were all the same. The mind is wonderous to me, so I began to get preoccupied with food/hunger/emotion ties and got over the need to eat pretty fast, lol. So all in all I came face to face with two big fears of mine and fared well in each case! It has been a bitter sweet day :D

1/16/06 Tomorrow I will have been out 3 weeks. I am feeling normal again, FINALLY! I have lost about 15 pounds since surgery... which seems low to me? No? Moving on, I started my period today... yuck. I can not wait to go back on birth control. My doctor wants me to do another form other then oral, but my insurance runs out this week and all I have is pills... so I have to discuss that with him. I am not sexually active, so I hope it is not a problem. I hear the reason most docs say not to do oral BC is because it is less effective. Sorry if this is "too much information" for you... but lets face it. All adult females have periods and I am sure others out there have to deal with this too. Now, lets talk protein. I can not wait to get off this liquid protein stuff. It is hit or miss really, some days I can get in all of it no problems, other days I struggle. Like today. But yesterday I got in over my 70g goal. *Shrug* Oh well.

1/25/06 Well, I LOVE soft foods. I HATE eggs though. They do not agree with me. But it is so nice to be able to eat again... which I use the term "eat" loosely, seeing as I mostly still eat yogurt and cottage cheese... and when I do it is like 3 oz. But hey, better then nothing. I am having a hard time with my protein. Just can't seem to get it all in. I have to experiment with some more drinks soon. I also want to up my water intakes... but all with time. I bought a step, to do aerobic with but this week I have been working twice as much. My coworker is sick and my boss is on a cruise (that lucky bastard). So I have been way busy and haven't had the time... hopefully next week I can start. In other news, my clothes are FINALLY starting to get loose. I swear, I will still be wearing the same clothes in 3 months. Really, I guess my old stuff was tighter then I thought, lol.

 1/26/06 Of course what I am about to say, I know I don't mean... BUT... I almost wish I never began to eat food again. Now, now, that is a lie... but let me elaborate: I am having much more head hunger. I got hungry for the first time since surgery today. I mean, physically hungry. Or at least I thought I was. Before, I just wanted to eat for no reason. Today I wanted to eat because I felt hunger like I did before. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHhhhhhhh. Scared the shit out of me. Another downside is I am not getting in my protein. I would drink the nasty stuff before because it gave me a sense that I was "eating" and now I don't have that problem... so I just am skipping out on them. Which is so STUPID! I need to just choke the crap down. I would rather drink a protein drink then be fat. What am I doing to myself. Ok, thats it for today... no, wait, one more thing: days like this remind me why I need to emotionally deal with my weight loss. Perhaps a trip to a pyschologist is in order.

2/3/06 Well, I am eating more normal foods. I havent had problems yet with most things. The only thing is eggs make me sick. I have tried chicken, tuna, cheese, etc all of it was good. But some ground beef makes me sick to my stomach. I haven't stepped on a reliable scale for almost three weeks! I am afraid to, I have this unrational fear that it will have stayed the same, because my scale at home says I haven't lost anything... BUT I only stepped on it once. So, who knows. In other news, I am moving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Right now I am in California and I am going to Washington, DC. Very excited to get out of my parents house. I will miss my job A LOT though, so am sad about that. I will also miss being close to my family, but I am sure I will get to visit often :)

2/05/06 I am worried that I haven't been doing my part in excersice... so I tried to do my aerobic step yesterday for the first time, and hurt so bad today... but I tried again today. So, that is 2 days of excercise... eventhough, I could only last about 10 minutes! Whew, working out is tough. I hope to start walking. I know I wrote about it before, but I haven't hauled my a-- out yet an actually did it. So tomorrow maybe a new day filled with walking. Who knows.

2/9/06 Well, if you dont know already, I have not lost one damned pound since my check up on JANUARY 19TH! Thats right, I took a wrong turn and am STUCK in STALLVILLE! I called my surgeons office and the lady insisited it was that I was not getting in enough protein. So, I have been eating lean meats like crazy; trying to get above 70g a day. I am going to weigh in again next tuesday and if I the increased protein doesn't help, then I will just die... I don't understand this, but hopefully the weight will start falling off again soon. 2/14/06 HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! I posted this on the Jan06 Board (the one I frequent most often) and I felt it should be added here too... Ok, I don?t know how many of you have been listing to me lately but I have been VERY VERY VERY frustrated with my progress (or lack there of) and have had such a negative attitude. I have been on a stall since Jan 19th and have just felt horrible about myself and lately I have been getting hostile about WLS in general. I don't know what happened but today something just went off in my mind and it gave me a new perspective. I used to such a SLAVE to hunger and food. Eating used to be what I leaned on for support. It used to occupy my mind. When someone around me was eating something yummy, I would have an UNCONTROLABLE urge to also have some. Since my WLS I have not felt true hunger. I can see someone eating something and not feel like if I don?t get any then that is a punishment. It used to amaze me when people were offered food (like cake, pizza, chocolate, etc) and say "no thank you" and pass on the opportunity to eat. I could not even fathom the thought. I can now say that I don't HAVE THE NEED to eat like I did before. Slowly, food is losing its grip on me and I am SO THANKFUL. Even if I lose slow, even if I plateau, this surgery has set me free from an addiction I had. I am sure that I will struggle still with making good food choices, as I already have had things that weren?t the best choice, but everyone does. I am just so grateful that food no longer controls me mentally like it used to. And for me that is such a blessing, that it makes me not so concerned with my slow loss and plateau.

2/16/06 Went and saw Dr. Jossart today about the month-long stall I am having... he reassured me that my lifestyle (diet, excersice, etc) is just fine and that this weight will come off. I was really scared that I was doing something wrong, but alas, no... I had printed out my fitday.com food diary for him. Man, that came in handy. If I didn't have it, I would have been hard pressed to know exactly how much I was consuming. Also, I lost more then a pound a day for the first month of being PostOp, which for VG is rapid... so my body is catching up... that may account for the length of this stall. On another note, excercise is coming along well. I am up to about 40 minutes of brisk walking, and for now, daily.

2/19/06 I am starting to FALL IN LOVE with this surgery. At first it was hell. Really, it was. But now as each day gets better and I feel more healthy I am glad this all happened. I feel my addiction to food get weaker daily and I feel like I am gaining back CONTROL over my life. On the other hand, I think I am starting morn the loss of some foods. Not that I can't have, but I know that I won't chose to have them. Which makes me sad. 2/20/06 THE STALL IS OVER! *o/* I am down, and it is going fast. Lets hope it stays that way for at least a little while. And, hello, my BMI is now 48.7! I started at 60something... so I am quite pleased with that fact of the day.

2/25/06 Ok, stall is over... but I lost RAPIDLY over the past few days... which in my mind is not a good thing. It means I will probably stall again shortly. I would rather lose steadily, but I shouldn't complain. People are finally starting to note the weight loss. Which is funny to me, because overall I have lost like 70 pounds and 40 of that was with in the past 2 months... and they just are now noticing. Aw well, I notice, so thats all that matters. Exercise is going well. On a good day I walk 45 minutes... on a bad day it is like 15 minutes. But its been regular, which is what I really wanted... its almost a habbit now. When I don't go walking for the day I get in a bit of a funk. Its hard, but it is worth it.

 2/28/06 Today is officially 2 MONTHS post op and I have lost 38 pounds since surgery... seems low, but for ONE of those months, I was at a STALL. So, I have some catching up to do. I guess I shouldn't complain, that is a lot. 3/3/06 I think I began another stall... yep, thats right... I guess it will be 2 weeks of losing, then a stall. Which, is fine. I just know now, so no need to freak... The end is NOT in sight though. It seems like I have been eating like this fooooooorrrrrrreeeeeeeeeevvvvvvvvveerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I would like to think that there is light at the end of the tunnel... but honestly I just can NOT wrap my mind around this working for a long time... not that I will stop doing everything right, but it seems like my body will just get used to eating this amount and stablize. Which is ABSURD. I know this isnt true, but I still cant but think about it.

3/7/06 Ok, so I guess I am not on a 'stall' per say, but it is slow going. Sometimes I get frustrated when I see someone who had surgery a month after me and they have lost twice as much! But I have to realize that I am doing everything right and this will work in the long run. I actually have lost 20 this past month, which is where my doctor said is "normal" but then I had that long previous stall, which I thought I would be catching up and sheding faster... but I guess not.

3/16/06 I have been hanging around 270 for a over a week now. Frustration! I just wish I was a steady looser. Even if it were slow and steady, I think it would be more "rewarding" then losing a bunch and then losing nothing. I did slack on the exercise for a bit there, but come on, I am doing WAY more then before and eating WAY less! So, what is the deal? My 3 month check up is in two weeks from today and my doctor expects me to be around 250- I know that isn't going to happen :*( But I am planning on really getting out there and walking, so maybe I will at least be below 265? 3/29/06 I have my 3 month follow up appointment with my surgeon tomorrow... last time I saw him he said he wanted me to be around 250 at this appointment. I am not. I know I have been doing everything right, well, I could excersice a bit more, but really that has been lack of time more then lack of motivation. So, I should be pleased with my current weight, but I am still dissapointed in my self. *Sigh* What I really want is to be at 257, that would mean I lost a HUNDRED pounds since my heaviest weight (in 2004). But, from the looks of it, I won't weigh that. I think I am somewhere around 260ish, maybe a bit more? I will update after the apointment. On the bright side, I love the fact that my doctor is in the city (SF) it gives me a wonderful excuse to stay there all day and shop :-D

3/30/06 Went to my 3 month post-op visit... it went well. Dr. Jossart thinks that with a committed and agressive exercise plan that I may make goal with in a year from now!!! That means 15 pounds a month for the next 3 months and then 10 pounds a month after that. It is crazy to think that is possible. I also asked him about the fact I am doing 2 protein drinks and 1 meal a day... he said that is fine; so long as I get in my vits/calicum/etc. I am moving across the country in 5 days, maybe I will join a gym? I am now very motivated to excersie hearing that this goal is obtainable :)

4/3/06 Tomorrow I will be moving, so that means limited internet access :( I hope to get internet soon after I get settled, but I am uncertain of when it will be. I am doing well, and am 1 pound away from my 100 pound loss (from my highest weight in 2004, not my surgery weight). I will try to update soon.

4/13/2006 I have moved, but only have limited internet access... I haven't a scale, so I dont know how my wight loss is going. Which is frustrating. Also, I have been STRUGGLING with getting in my protein. I just need to get into a new routine. My lifes schedule has been thrown off course, as has my food intake schedule. So I am focusing on getting in the protein. I am however doing really well with fluid intake and I just started at a gym yesterday. The elliptical kills.

 5/4/06 Man, I miss comming to OH.com, but life is just TOO CRAZY. As you know, I moved across the country, so lets just say that it was a BIG move and I am still feeling the effects of it. My weight is hovering around 245, and I wear a size 20. I am still struggling with a new routine with regards to food and especially protein intake. It is hard to get back into the groove of scheduled daily protein drinks and making sure I get it all in. But I did exceed my protein goal yesterday for the first time in about a month! I am have slacked on excersice but hopefully soon after I get a job I will be able to join a gym (or my place of employment will have facilities- I work in Recretaion, so most likely, they will). Anyway, I hope to update more soon.

6/6/06 I am at about 235 these days. I am wearing a size 18, some tight... I joined a gym, but have only made it once. I am hoping that is going to be my next big step in the WLS process for me. I feel comfortable with food now, so hopefully I will soon be comfortable working out as well. Some days I still dont get my protein needs met, but I feel as though I have a more healthy outlook on what foods I should and should not eat. I am so blessed by this surgery. It has already changed my life, and it hasn't even been 6 months yet! Not only has it given me a new body, but I feel like it really is a new lifestyle that will lend to years of a healthy mental and physical relationship with my body & soul.

6/27/2007- 6 MONTHS POST OP! Get ready for a long post: Today is the 6-month mark! I really can not believe it has all gone by so quickly. I am still delighted by this surgery and the results. I weigh 219 right now. I am more then ½ way to goal (145 surgeons goal, 135 personal). Today I was thinking about everything; reflecting on what got me here and what I have left to accomplish with regard to by health. I am a bit freaked out by the fact that I have yet to start and stick with an exercise routine that works for me. I try to be realistic with my goals, but it is just something that I struggle with. Besides exercise the other main concern is protein. I have actually been doing a lot better lately. I had one really low protein day, but other than that, I have been on track for a good 2 weeks now. I also was reviewing my weight change progress against my food/protein intake and there really is a correlation. For a while, I stopped eating. Basically, I was getting in maybe 500 calories a day and about 30g of protein. For that stretch (about 3 weeks) I lost a total of 5 pounds. Last week I was really strong with my protein intake, and thus, also was consuming 600-800 calories a day. That week alone I lost 5 pounds. Which, I don?t know if it was the extra calories, or the extra protein, or both. But it obviously is a more successful way to go. Which is hard for me to understand? in my mind I feel like the less the better. But, this is not true. It really is the healthier the better. It is not healthy to consume so few calories and not nourish my body with protein. Thus, my body shuts down. With the higher calorie and protein intake my body has enough to give me more energy and it helps with the weight loss. I guess the doctors have it right! (I know that I am very biased, but those looking for a good post-op diet should consider looking into the LapSF plan. From experience it is better then other doctor's post-op diets.) I clearly remember driving to the hospital the morning of my surgery. The days prior, I had been sick and hadn?t eaten much, then the day before I couldn't eat anything and I had to drink a laxative to clear my system. I really can not remember a time where I had been that hungry. Driving to San Francisco I remember thinking ~If I can't have my surgery today, I will be relieved because I want to eat so much. Since then I haven't felt hungry. My body lets me know when it is time to eat, but the sensation is completely different now. I used to be ravenous. I used to obsess all day about eating. Not just about the food, but about actually eating. Now, I do not have those thoughts. I still think about and enjoy food, but I am no longer obsessive about eating. I am no longer controlled by hunger. I am nervous that over the next few months/years that I will regain my appetite, but I hope not. I had VG, where part of the stomach is actually removed and theory is that the hormone that sends the message to our brains that we are hungry (gherlin) is actually no longer produced.

7/17/06 I had my official 6 month follow up appointment over the phone with Dr. Jossart. Things are going well. He suggested I keep track of my weekly weight-loss... so I plan to update my weight more frequently. He also said it was still possible to be at goal by Decemember 27th!!! Which, I still question, but that is motivating to hear. So now, my goal is to be at goal by my Surgiversary. That would blow my mind. I am realizing how small my body frame really is. I am 210 and wearing a size 16+ (not in regular section yet, still in plus/womens sizes). I am still fat. Which means that I have a ways to go. My knuckles still dipple in on my hands, my colar bones are still not yet visable, and other such things. Which is fine, but a bit discouraging. I have come so far, and still have a far way to go. I am still trying to get in my protien and hit the gym. Last week I went once, and this week I have gone once. Which, for me, is good. I need to slowly build up to it I guess.

 8/15/06 I have now lost 160 pounds from my highest weight and 118 from my surgery day! Its crazy to think that. I don't see it, yet am so greatful for the way I feel. I never thought that my obesity played that big of a role in my life... it was a just slight inconvience to me. Now living on the lighter side, there are many times I think to myself "I would have never done this at 350" or "I would be so out of breath right now if I were still 350". Amazing how all the little things can add up to a BIG change. Over the past month or so, it has been increasingly easier for me to make bad food choices. I still rarely go over my daily intake limits for carbs and fats, and I have never exceeded my 800 calorie limit for each day... but I find it very easy to not eat protein and replace it with carbs. These are the habbits I don't want to cultivate. And let me tell you, I can easily overeat if I want... I can easily eat anything I want to (but I choose not to). That choice is becoming harder as the days go on, but I still am trying to stick with the program. I am sticking with the program, its just more tempting not to then it was before. I still have days I am not interested in food. But then I have days where I want to eat all bad stuff. This really is about making a commitment to change. And I am ok with that... I just thought I would put it out there.

9/4/06 I went off my diet this weekend. Bad BAD choice. I decided I just needed 3 days of freedom, and I was on vacation. I grazed. I ate junk. I tolerated it all. I overate. I went over my caloric limits. I induldged in carbs. I feel physically ill still. I feel emotionally ashamed. It taught me that was not freedom. That was giving food control over my life again. I am sorry I did it... but made me learn my lesson. There are blessings in all things and hopefully I will not go back to trying to give myself "freedom" like that anymore. I am ok with it all now. I have come to peace and I have put it behind me. It was a mistake and it is over. Back to healthy eating once again.

11/2/06

Man, my eating is still struggling. I need to make better daily choices. I need to get back on track in a BIG way. I never though I would slip up like this. I had been so dillegent for so long, I felt like I had formed new habbits. No. Grazing is the issue. Carbs are the issue. I never eat a lot at once, but it adds up through the day. Well, more like through the night. I eat well all day, then get munchies post dinner. Its all a learning process and I will overcome it.

In other news, today at work this really abrasive child was talking about fat people. I repremanded her and she said "Why do you care? You are not fat. You are normal". WHAT? It was so weird to hear that. I almost felt like laughing. I still feel like I am quite over weight.

Also, when I see pictures of myself when I was Super Morbidly Obese I don't recognize myself. I never really understood how bad I had gotten. *Sigh*

I am now looking forward to going home to CA for Christmas, I will be there for 10 days :) My family has not seen me. I don't know if they will be shocked or not. I hope I can be closer to goal. I think it will give me some motivation and goal to keep in mind.

Highest Weight: 357

Weight at consult: 325

Weight morning of surgery: 315

Current Weight: 180

TOTAL Weight Loss Thus Far: 177 pounds

08/2004: (Highest) 357

12/8/05 (consult): 325

12/27/05 (surgery day): 315*

1/3/06 305

1/19/05 290*

2/9/06 294- yes you read that right.

2/16/06 290*

2/20/06 284

2/28/06 277

3/7/06 274

3/25/06 265

3/30/06 259*

5/4/06 245

6/15/06 227

6/27/06 (6 months) 219

7/17/06 210

7/24/06 205

7/31/06 204

8/7/06 202.5

8/14/06 197

8/21/06 194

8/28/06 191

9/4/06 190

9/11/06 188

10/2/06 180

10/21/06 175

11/2/06 172

*these weigh ins were done at my surgeons office, different scale then all others.

 Most Recent Pic: Weight ~ 210

November 2005: Weight ~ 325