ObesityHelp

I was just reminded it was my 6th year anniversary. 
I have been so busy with work and family that I completely forgot.  It actually happens.  You forget the Journeys start.. the tears and struggles of back then.  What is happening now is that I still take my vitamins, watch what I eat, jackrabbit up and down with the same nasty 10 pounds that keep me worried enough to stay conscious of my eating and exercise.
What else is up?  I am getting ready to travel for work and lead a team in Pennsylvania for a week.. then I come home for  a week and then pack again for work to travel to Kentucky for 5 weeks. 
I also have just fully recovered from having breast reduction surgery in October.  I felt it was the last step in putting together a body I could live with.  It is awesome! 
In case you were wondering... I was a 40 triple g when I went in, and I am not a 40 d.  My incredible surgeons gave me a Anchor cut, nipple graft, muscle strap breast lift.  I had to do the nipple graft (cut them off... reshape the breast and then put them back on),  Had to because my breast had fallen soooooo much that they couldn't do a lift without  this step.  So I have no feeling in my nipples, and the left one healing made the center a little funny looking.... but, I feel good about how they look.  Honestly I don't wear a bra.  The way they shaped them, I don't have to.  It hurts to put a bra over them and irritates the scar line.  Whoever would have told me I would ever leave my bedroom in my life without a bra on .... I would have thought was crazy!  But, I bought a lot of Cami's and layer my clothes.. and I feel fantastic. 
6 years and I have a different life.  Livable.  I don't mean perfect.  I don't mean without everyday problems.. but, I do look forward to the good times and getting up and going out every day. 
Last year my goal was to stop telling people I was busy and except every invitation I was given.  I did it!  I would stress and fuss and feel so self conscious before every outing... but, I went on EVER ONE.  Hikes and parties and theater. I learned a lot about going for it and how much better I felt after I came home. 
This year I have goaled myself to look up when I walk.  to look people in the eyes more and not avoid eye contact when in public places.  I have the whole year to gt this.  I was out in Seattle last weekend and we walked Pike Place and across the water front.  I Tell you, I wasn't perfect and I did have a hard time knowing who to look at and who to avoid. (IE., urine stained men, Blue haired woman with exposed butt in 35 degree weather.)  But, when doing a transaction with a veggie vender.. I held my own.  LOL 
Wherever you are in your journey... know it only gets better.. and a lot of the goldeness you will obtain is unforeseeable.  You just don't know the little pieces of magic along the way. 
Luv you all..

I wasn't planning on writing anything this morning.  Not even thinking about who I am or where my journey is until I got an email reminding me I have a place to go.  This home away from home where I can be honest. 
If you are just starting this journey... don't  think it will answer all your prayers or that you will be eternally happy, save your marriage or make you a supermodel body in the end.   That is what it doesn't do. 
What loosing all the weight you struggle with does do is make you healthy, makes you more active, makes you understand  how much you have to work at being better... and that the work never goes away, but the rewards are plentiful.  Just don't think you know how you will be rewarded.  Chances are you will miss the mark. 

Here's what I didn't expect to do. 
NUMBER 1)  I didn't know I too... as well as everyone who has met me in the last few years... will forget that I was ever extremely obese. Those family members and my own kids forget what I looked like.  At least until someone pulls out some old photos.  It is reeling to see the difference!  Newcomers never believe I was ever overweight. 
NUMBER2)  I didn't expect to ever be in control of my eating.  But practice makes perfect and for the first time in a lifetime, I am eating healthy and not having to think about it.  I have simply designed my own loving eating habits that work for me.  Not everyone else, just me.  There is no cookie cutter style for all. 
NUMBER3)  I didn't expect anyone to look at me and think I was attractive.  I still feel it is funny to say.  I am average looking.  I am funny looking if you take into consideration my boobs are way to big for my frame.  But, when life gives you lemons.....
Except that you will be drinking lemonade and not a coke!  I am what I am, and it is good. 
NUMBER 4)  I never knew I would be one to crave exercises... to feel the need to get up and go every day.  That I needed my trainer and my treadmill and to be the one to mow my lawns so I could have something to do physically.  Mostly because being idle is not good for my brain.  But, it does feel good to move, and to lay down at night and be tired enough to sleep without tossing and turning. 

I did not know what being alive was until I learned to live. 

Losing weight did not make any of this better over night.  It has been 5.5 years of work, work , and struggling to keep working at it. 
But it has changed me.  I beg you to not stop.  There will be rewards, both big and small.  Just not what you may assume it to be.  Very worth it though. 

I had totally spaced off that it was my 5 year annaversary until OH sent me a reminder. 
I remember my doctor telling me that the 5 year mark would be significant.  That how I looked at this point would be how I would look and feel the rest of my life. That my health would be like now, the 5 year mark of health.  I am rarely sick, I have been in the gym for the last  year with a trainer helping me twice a week to shape my body.  The body that is curvy and natural looking with clothes on... LOL    ( ONLY my mirror knows the truth. )
So let me tell you this about the 5th year. 

My BFF died of cancer on December 22nd,2010  and her daughter gave her a grandson on January 28th, 2011.. and as a second mom... I was at the request of her daughter to be grandma.  The baby is beautiful and perfect.  and I was torn between all the amazement of his entering the world, and the fact I was there to be my BFF's eyes , and just wished it would have been her own eyes to witness the arrival of the gift her daughter wanted so bad to give her. 
Just two days ago my cousin passed from a massive heart attack.  She had a young daughter at home.  They were each others world.  Daughters without mothers.  My own mother whom I care for has been gravely ill.  I cannot imagine life without my mother. 
Why so significant?  Because the doctors told me in 2005.. that if I did not have this surgery, I would not live another year.  Here I am, 5 years after my surgery and healthy as a horse... and I am outliving the people of my life whom are my age.  It is heart wrenching and weird.  I am here and healthy because I made what felt like such a selfich and imposing choice to have WLS.   Now my drive to be healthy has affected me in the opposite way it has effected those whom gave up smoking and still dies of cancer... those who tried to rise above limitations and still were taken from us.  But I am still here.   My two daughters still have a mother.  I am still here.
Vitamins are a daily must!  Do not let them go wayside or you will not be at your best.  This is a  reality to WLS members. 
I still struggle with volumn eating, and have to stay very aware of how much I put in my mouth. 
I still hold up my jeans every morning and am amazed I even fit into them. 
I still drink coffee like it is going out of style.  I cannot live without my coffee.  The strong smell and taste appeases me to no end. 
Just last week I changed the picture on my badge at work .  It was the last old picture I carried around and I got tired of people telling me it didnt look like me. 
My daughter is in college,  I am so happy that she is there and I am seeing her bloom.
I am still single because I have been learning to love myself.  I have always loved my mind and soul... but I couldnt leave out body to really love myself.  I am learning to love my body.. imperfect, reactionary, curvy, and all! 
I have a trip to Hawaii to look forward to this May.  One without kids and mom... just me.   I wonder how that will go?   lol 

Okay, lets see.... I joined a gym and hired a trainer.  ( Hiring the trainer was to keep me in the gym long enough to get results and feel better.  Doing it on my own would surely be a tripper.  I would have joined the rest of the clan at work that joined the gym, but experience tells me every one  else eventually quits and I am on my own. )  So, I made my goals about controlling stress and gaining on nutritional knowledge.  I wanted to add losing 50 lbs, but my trainer was adiment that I had an hourglass figure and it was not a good idea to take another 50 lbs off.  Toning up was my replacement.  It will take weight off me while gaining muscle. 
I am learning a lot about my eating habits, and what I am doing wrong that keeps a 12 pound roller coaster going on in my life. 
I am also learning that I can only concentrate on one thing at a time.  Dating and work  with built in manditory overtime and my home life and the gym is just too much.  (So I dropped dating, LOL!)  It wasn't going so hot anyways.  I guess am too independant , and my life is so crammed full... that I cannot give these guys all the adorning attention they seem to need to make things work.  I guess I am just not that type of person.  It doesn't feel  like too much of a loss... it doesnt feel like  a loss at all, it actually feels like a relief to stop trying.  (Wonder what that says about me!  Everyone thinks I am giving up and  tell me I am too picky.  I just don't care to raise a boyfriend.  Sorry .  I don't have the patience for that.
My body is coming together nicely though.  My core (tummy and back)  are pulling in nicely.  and the cardio seems to be relieving a lot of stress.  I have also discovered HOT YOGA, which is a wow thing to do.   I am just  too tired to worry.  LOL  It actually felt good to get on the eleptical yesterday. 
I am bouncing between sizes 14 and 16.  (No petite flower here)  but I like the way I am shaping.  I know it will take till summer to smooth out the lumps and bumps I have left on my body.  (Sagging skin and big boobs are another thing)

My work is having another biggest loser/ gainer contest.  I am joining in just so I can sit in on the lunchen/ classes they are offering.  I want to get as much info as I can!  Outside of that, I am keeping my workouts private and personnal.  It is about me.  The only thing I have right now that is just about me.  I kinda like it.  the gym has become my escape from the world.  feels pretty good to have an escape. 

It has been a while.  I just got back from a trip to Illinois for my job.  It was the first time in 21 years I had ever been away from my kids.  Admittedly, it was hard on all of us.
  Eating wise, it was a struggle for me to be out and about.  Work gave me a 1500 dollar allowance for 30 days.  I spent 800 of it.... the scary part was looking at the receipts.  That is when I realised that in the 30 day stay, I had almost 400 dollars worth of coffee consumed!  I either ate my protiens from the hotels breakfast bar, or consumed peanut butter and crackers to avoid eating out.  When I finally did eat out , it was more for the noise of people than the desire for food.  The silence was deafening compared to my busy and noisy home.  Dogs, kids and my mom's absense was too much.  I found myself sitting in the coffee shop at the local book store or eating out merely for the clanking of cups and white noise of mixed voices and pitch of people. 
But, really when I think about it, that is an amazing change for me.  I would have loved to have any excuse to go out and devour mounds of food.  Two buffet places within a mile of my stay... both were skipped over simply because (I told my co-workers) I could not make the most of them.  reality is, it would have been nice to have a broad selection of food... but I would have eaten way too much and felt like crud.  Why tempt myself to pain.  I still struggle enough with my weight and eating  right.  I think that just will never go away.  I was once a volumn eater... and I still like the feeling of fullness way too much to put just anything in this body. 
My pants size has went up from a 14 to a 16.  My doctor says it is because of the menapause and not to panic.  My weight fight over 10 pounds stopped when I stopped  fighting with it... it was a loosing battle.  So, one size up and I am staying here.  I just wanted to go back. 
Vitamins and b complex still stay a vital part of my every day.  I am coming up on 4 years later and I need them every day.  Just try skipping them for a few days and see how bad you feel. 
My hair loss is from menapause too.  Even with proteins, I have become a shedding machine.  LOL  Funny the guys still tell me they love my long hair.  As thin and secretly grey as it is.  Haa Haa. 
One year ago I had my tummy tuck.  My body is as beautiful as any other average gal.  My mind is happy and my clothes are pretty.  What more can I ask for.