I have finished my work for the year.  Now I can concentrate on family and reading books that will help me in the coming year and my new position as a Lead.  I really am happy to have new challenges.  I hope I maintain my professional edge and meet this new position head on.  It gives me other things to think about other than food or doubt in myself.  Action can quit the negative words my mind likes to shout out.  I don't have time to think about beating myself up .  LOL 

Today I am cooking and baking for everyone.  Tomorrow as well.  My house will be full of family and chatter and laughter and old stories of childhoods and memories.  I am most in the mood for it all.  My new year will be about becoming more the person I want to be and less about worrying about the person I have failed to be.  What could stop me now, but me. 

I can still lose more weight, I can still better my position at work , and I will be able to better my cruddy credit score and life overall.  I may have to give up volunteer work every Friday night because of work... but, the food bank director has another job for me.  So , I am still a part of the team.  I am just finding my way.  I am spending less time worrying about how I look and less time trying to hide from the world.  I don't feel like I have to sell my personality every time I go somewhere.  I can just relax and be me.  I can be seen if I want to  or be invisible if I want to .. I am empowered by me.  I am still me... like I keep saying.  I am just me. 

Who knew a woman could be afraid of the word Beautiful? Why does it burn my ears when you hear it? How do you stop the numbness after the word is spoken directly to you? It is a pretty powerful word. I hear it used to describe many things. I think of it when I see my rose bushes in full bloom. Bursting buds and rippling peddles that dance together in a circle of living, breathable richness. I think of beautiful when I see our beach full of smiling faces all laughing and playing together, dropping all the weekday worries off at the street. I think of beauty when I hear children who had just met an hour ago, and yet they vow to be best friends for the rest of the day.

I see commercials on TV that are proactive in stopping little girls who have not grown into themselves yet.. from growing up to become women like me. For I believe I am not beautiful, even when the word has been gifted to me from my own daughters mouth; And I look like her, and I think she is beautiful. I do not believe surgery nor makeup can ever make me so grand to fit into the same file as a rose or a instant and innocent love. I have heard the word directed to my state of being three times in the last week. Twice from men, and once from my daughter , all trying to explain to me why everyone is reacting as they do by the changes they see from me. I am still the same on the inside. I am still me. Somewhere within the being of who I am, is a person who does not feel so entitled to be beautiful. Inside of me is someone who would love to fit into the expectations and inspirations of all those who think I am. I highly respect two of the people whom have said the word to me. Yet, I cannot seem to absorb it past my thick skin of self doubt and critical thinking. It has become poignant enough for me to wake up in the middle of the night and wonder why I could ever be so deserving to hear it directed at me. Then I wonder why it is such a big deal to me. It is a big deal. It is a desirable word. One with power. I think it is the part of my ego that I am missing. It must be a deadly sin. I lust for it and I would eat it like a glutton if I ever possessed it. I envy those who believe they are a part of it. Especially those who love themselves enough to own it with all their imperfections. They have the greatest lives. For nothing is stopping them from living well. This week, this week I got tripped up on a word. Beautiful. God, I pray the commercials and ads work and that the women of tomorrow learn to own a little bit of beautiful for themselves. My beauty is still in my garden.

I went back to work last week.  This week I have been enjoying the new me... and the faces of those I know. 
Today I had the job interveiw for one of the lead positions opening up.  We will see.  That means Myself and another new body will be helping to revamp our area (Providing I get the position).  my main competition for the job(S) is actually a guy I would like to work with.  I hope maybe he will get one and I will get one.  I think we could work well together.  I like his disposition. 
But, I won't worry about it now.  What I really want to mention is the reactions of those who know me and see me now.  On the outside I act totally benevolent to how others eyes drop straight to my crotch.  On the inside I am coming unwound.  On the outside I act as if nothing about me is diferent.  It actually makes some people crazy.  I love it.  LOL 
I don't put on a show.  I just go about my business and stay focused on the work at hand.  Every one else is doing the "come look at her now" thing. 

So, on Tuesday we had a business meeting where half the plant would see me, and so I wore a clingy shirt and dressed nice, good hair, good makeup, and acted myself.  Some of the people who knew me just stared like they didn't recognize who was saying hi.  Others did a double take but didn't know what to say.  Most guys had a lot to say,  but I just laughed it off.  If I knew them in the past and they were jerks,  I let their comments fall to the floor.  If I knew them from the past and they were good to me, I thanked them for the compliments or smiled from the flirty behavior.  I am glad I am still me.  But secretly inside I am laughing and giggling at these people.  Like I said, I am still just me.  I feel like I have not changed... other than outward apperances.  You would have thought I dipped myself in gold.  It is still just me in here.  LOL 
I will continue to act benevolent, since I have worked real hard to get leadership and professional status here at work.  I really want to hold it and grow with it.  I think this body will help me in the long run.  I wish I felt better physically.  I am still weak and still have an open wound.  But, soon enough I will be back to 100%.  I will be able to focus on my work load and acheive my goals.  No more skin issue or woredrobe issues to make me falter now.  LOL  This is good, and I am still me. 

Ready or not.. back to work tomorrow. 
I am ready mentally.  If I stay at home much longer, I will need a phyco ward.  Physically, that is another thing.  The doctor put me on a list of restrictions.  My insurance is doubting my company can accomidate me.  I have been on more restrictions than this before.  The only thing that may hold me back is having a open wound.  But, I doubt even that will shake their tree.  LOL 
6 hour days (we work 10 hour days) 
No lifting over 5 lbs. (that is a big one for work.. we lift 20 plus.)
limited standing.
No handling chemicals. (again, it is in the area.)
Protecting my open wound. (although the doctor said I am past a chance for infection, I have been in a limited enviroment, and that kind of a change can cause concern. )
There is administrative work I could be doing.  Some simple tasks in the area.  If everything goes right, the lead could be teaching me what he does.  They still haven't interviewed for the position yet. 
I still have to go to the doctors every other day.  But, I am happy to say I can see the wound shrinking!  I am healing.  I am driving the car!  I am up and busy doing things during the day and sleeping at night in my own bed.  So, I am feeling somewhat normal.  I am still weak.  I get back aches often.  Mostly when I sit in one place too long. 
I find out if my insurance will continue to pay my wages lost when I return to work part time.  I hope so since the doctor has me at 24 hours a week.  That is half of what I would earn.  It is the holiday season and I need my money. 
My body is still reshaping.   I like it more and more.  I have ran into people I know and they are very complimentary.  Only I feel uncomfortable... even embarrassed when they look at me.  Alright.  I am used to people looking at my chest.  That is the eye shots I usually get.  Now everyones eyes go straight for the hips and crotch area.  I feel like I am standing there naked.  HELLO PEOPLE!  The comments are lovely, the stare gives me a shockingly vunderable feeling.  I am always pulling at my jeans too.  I am not used to having then sit so close to my privates.  I am used to everything being overlayed with excess skin... so the touching of fabric to the hooch is very sensitive.  Again, making me feel like I am out there for all to see. 
I still think I am big when I look in the mirror.  I had a neighbor tell me I was smaller than her now.  I look at her and I don't think so.   Privately I know I weigh a lot more than her.  But , I also know my weight can be deceiving after being heavy all my life.  I think the flat tummy also gives an illusion of thinness that is'nt really there.  I am thick in the center.  but I do look in the mirror and see my body fits my legs now.  I used to look like I had popsicle legs.  Dr. Oh did such a good job of smoothing my hips and thighs that there is a nice curve to them.  ( the inner thigh is ugly, but I will take everything I was given gladly.)  I have a hard time finding the right shirts.  because my chest is so big, I have bought some shirts that are too short when I put them on.  Oh, and the butt!  I have a curved butt.  It helps proportion me to the chest.  Naked it is dimply... but again, Dr. Oh put a nice curve on what was a shelf.   The more I heal, the better thing look.  It is nice not worrying about how I look in public.  Not having to hid in my clothes.  My daughter said my ass is hard now.  Not soft and squishy like before.  She meant it as nice.  Everyone has something nice to say.  I just have to smile and say thank you.  Sometimes I say nothing.  I am riding a wave of liking the attention and wanting to be invisable  to walk freely in life.  I tell myself there are lovely people who have looked like this all their lives.  I am in a melting pot of bodies.  I am no differnt than others.  So, to get a big ego or act vain to the body is just unrealistic.  Yet, the other side of my brain says it is okay to except my body like I excepted the rest of myself.  Loving who I am, Imperfections and all.  I am a work in progress.  I will roll with it and feel healthier and better as time goes by.  I told myself to wait till my birthday this coming year.  that will be 6 months after surgery.  That will be my time table to se how I feel and look. 

Although I am still in the healing process... with guaze being stuffed into my belly and a restriction around every turn, it is obvious to me that changes in my life are about to happen. 
Ready or not..............
When it comes to work, My HR department told me that the production Manager voiced lettting me know about the job opening. (as he had promised he would before I left for surgery.  I had told him it is always my luck that good things happen while I am away with other business.)   One of two lead openings I as was told when my Manager called to talk to me about them. 
New body, new job sounds like a great start to a better life to me.  Already the food bank has mentioned leading the Friday night team when I come back. 
I am staying the course of healing.  Trying to figure out if the four remaining weeks will be enough for me to close these wounds and become physical enough to handle all the workload I am working to aquire.  I want it, I have been grooming for this for a long time.  I am ready for it to happen. I want to work to further myself and challange myself farther.  I just need this belly to heal!!! 
I like the way the body is forming itself.  I have soft curves, and am not disappointed in the look.  I am shaped like a billboard... flat and wide from the front, and narrow from the side.  Just the way I am.  That is okay.  I joked to the family I looked like a man lollypop with the still existing boobs and flat belly. 
I won't qualify for more time off from work until fall of next year. So, a breast reduction is a little out there.  But, hey, a chance to adjust is needed.  I still have to get this belly and body back in tune with my brain.  Already I am battling the feeling fat, thinking I look fat although I am not.  Like I am going to disapoint everyone who supported me to get this done.  Like I could not come back skinny enough.  Head games.  Keeping up those vitimans to combat the negitive thoughts.  I just don't need them right now.  This long healing process is a hard ride.  I know, I know, they warned me.  I asked for this.  Now I just pray for the strenght to get through without losing my sanity.  LOL