There are days I wish I'd never had this surgery. Yes, there have been good things. I've lost like 130 pounds. I am healthier. I no longer have high blood pressure. I don't have to worry about fitting in booths, or seats, or whatever. But I still not happy. I still hate the way I look. I see pictures of myself and I still feel that I look as bad as I did when I weighed 388. I am still just as miserable inside. Losing this weight didn't make me any happier. In fact, I think it's made me more depressed, because now I know that there is probably really nothing that will make me happier. So that contributes to me making bad choices. You see, when I first had this surgery, I had hope. Hope that things would be better. Hope that somehow this surgery and losing weight would help my life out. I thought things would be better. They aren't. So I don't care as much about good choices. I don't care much about anything any more. There's another catch 22... I already hate the extra skin I have. My arms, which were relatively normal, just big, before, now hang over my elbows and look worse than ever! My stomach is so out of proportion that I can't even find pants that fit me correctly. My thighs droop causing sag and wrinkles at my knees. Ugh. What am I going to do with this? It's so frustrating because even if I lose weight I will still look terrible, so who cares? I'm fairly screwed either way.

Yes, I know this is supposed to be about getting healthy and I already am healthy, physically. I can work out, my BP is fine, etc... but what good is being healthy when you are completely miserable? I just was looking at my goals here on my profile. The first one is "BE HAPPY". 8 people in progress. 0 achieved it. At least I'm not alone!

I have to admit, I have not been the best patient for the last several months. I eat candy, I do things I am not supposed to do, and it shows in my weight. I haven't lost anything for a long time, and it's totally my fault.

Yesterday I printed out my before picture to show to someone at work. I never look at that picture. Looking at it gave me an total anxiety attack, my heart was racing, I could barely see straight. I am not that person anymore and looking at it brought back so many bad feelings. I don't ever want to be that person again.

So, yesterday I started getting back on track. I ate less than 1000 calories and had no sugar. Today is going well also. One day at a time. I have some people I know having surgery soon and I want to be a good inspiration for them. I am already a disappointment to myself, I don't need to be that for others.