7-30-06 I know it's been a minute, but I am still IN IT TO WIN IT. I realize that I am on a plateau right now, which is very frustrating. I enjoyed my vacation and now it's time to get back on the grind. I think I gained about 4lbs from all the drinking and nibbling. I really could not each much, besides the tons of jalapeno cheese fries and some jerk chicken. Despite the rough time that I had eating, the fries seemed to go down just fine. And I'm sure that all of the sugar from the pina coladas, rum punch, and strawberry daiquiris did not help either. Oh well, the party is over and it's time to get back to business. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE COME AND REMOVE THESE COOKIES FROM MY PANTRY. I can not go into the kitchen without grabbing a couple. Then after eating them, I sit in pain and eventually throwing it back up. Why am I doing this to myself? I guess my sweet tooth is getting the best of me, but I am determined to take control of that!

7/30/06
My life has taken some winding turns throughout this year, but I am enjoying and making the best of the ride. WHAT DON'T KILL ME, CAN ONLY MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!! I think that I have done a great job dealing with the emotions that come along with the ride. I have been through so much in my life, that sometimes I feel like I am becoming immune to disappointment. I been told to "always expect the worse from people". That comment holds to be true. Things may still hurt me, but I have grown to keep right on moving and to continue to follow the light. I am so scratched up from the stumbles and falls (of course, I don't mean physically!), but in time, all wounds heal! I know of no great warriors that fought and won their battles without any wounds. My wounds and scars represent my STRENGTH and my DETERMINATION.

I WILL ALWAYS BE A SURVIVOR, NO MATTER WHAT!!!!

6-6-06 HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME-E-E, !!!!

There are some who have feared this day, but not I. The 666 has been the topic of a lot of conversations in the last couple of weeks. Yes, it is my birthday and no I am not the Devil nor a servant of the Devil. I was made on this day, because I am STRONG enough to DEFEAT the Devil. So I take it as a blessing and not a curse to be birthed on such a wonderful day.

Today, I became 35 yrs RIPE. Can you say PRIME boys and girls? I am the Filet of Mignon's! Tender, juicy, and delectable. Such an amazing treat to the palate... mmmm.....gotta savor the moment. I am down 79 lbs and I feel like a MILLION BUCKS!!!!! Gotta give thanks to the FATHER for blessing me and for giving me life.

I am experiencing a lot of changes right now and just steppin' out on Faith! There has been so many changes in my life this year, but I won't complain. Everything is GREAT and all things are becoming new. That's just what I needed. A NEW BEGINNING!!! I am just sitting back and enjoying watching my children grow into fine young ladies. I love being a Mother and I love bringing smiles to their beautiful faces. I know that they look up to me, so I must be my BEST at all times.

I am constantly praying for guidance. Lord knows I need it! There are decisions to be made and I want so badly to make them right now, but the decision is not mine to make. I have to give it to GOD and he will guide me and show me the way. He has never let me down, so I have no fear that when he says GO, I will be ready and obedient.

Well, I guess I will try to enjoy the rest of my day. It started off with a smile when I opened my eyes and realized that I was still breathing. BF was supposed to be off today, but suddenly, he had to go into work for some hours because they are short staffed. Didn't get a hug or nuthin'. Just the usual goodbye morning smack. I don't ask for a lot, but dammit, I think sometimes I deserve it!!!! But I am not complaining. I know that my Nubian Princesses will never let me down. They made the most beautiful card for Mama and decorated it with a beautiful ribbon! These are the things that I hold dear to my heart and what means the most.

GOD you know my heart and you know my prayers.... I am waiting on you. I know that one day, you will send a GIFT to compliment what you have already blessed me with. Just know that your GIFT will be most graciously accepted and cherished. I need some STRENGTH to stand with me. I need some UNDERSTANDING to hear me. And I need some AFFECTION to love me. I welcome your presence.

11/24/05 - HAPPY DAY everybody!!! I got up early this morning and cooked my dinner. I can't believe that I was done by 10:30 am. I still had that awful tight feeling in my chest. I am starting to feel disgruntled as I have not had a thing to eat since last Thursday. Everytime I try to eat, it all comes back up. Well today is a holiday and I am going to try again.....

Guess what??? I sat at the table feeling very uncomfortable and trying to bear the pain of eating. All of a sudden, the tightness gave way in my chest and my food started to slowly go down. Before, everything would just sit there and gurgle and then just come right on back up, but today it decided to go down. THANK YOU JESUS!!! I said a prayer before I even sat at the table. I prayed that God would just let me enjoy this one dinner and what do you know. OF COURSE, HE IS ALWAYS RIGHT ON TIME. I am feeling much better. I don't know if I just forced it to go down, but so far so good. I am not feeling the tightness or the stuck or sick feeling. I can still hear the gurgling in my throat, but I can tell that the food is going down. It was killing me to sit there watching my family eat and to not be enjoying my food and then out of nowhere.... I began to feel better. I pray that it continues and that I don't EVER feel like that again. It was horrible!!!! Well this morning I was thinking that I would go in to my Dr.'s office tomorrow to have another "slight unfill", but maybe not. If everything stays as is, I just may be able to ride this one out.

I know that I have been absent from the board, but I have a lot on my plate right now. I am still in negotiations on the house. Our bid was accepted last Monday and we had gotten so excited, well the "you-know-whats" came back and said that they could not do the deal because they had made a mistake and did not add the seller's concessions. Well I say "TOUGH TITTY" !!!! We stood firm on our offer and it went to the Executive Board of the Bank for review because the mediator that's handling the sale had screwed up and accepted our offer and then tried to go back on her word. Since we had only gotten a verbal acceptance, they were still able to change their decision, WHICH THEY DID, so now we have countered our offer and we are still waiting to hear if the 2nd offer will be accepted. I know that "what God has for me, is for me"!!!! So I have no doubt in what my God does for me. There has never been a time that he has let me down or left me hanging. Everything is done when God says it's time. No matter how much planning and praying that I might do, when the MASTER SPEAKS, it shall be done. So I am practicing the GIFT OF PATIENCE that he is training me with and I am patiently waiting to hear from HIM. Thank you Heavenly Father for being You!!!!! - 240(1 lb from my 50lb Mini Goal!!!)

11/18/05 - I had a HORRIBLE morning at work. I can't swallow and my saliva is backing up in my throat. I threw up last night. Nothing but chicken broth and I have a terrible acid taste in my mouth. My chest is tight and I have a constant burning sensation. I went to my Dr.'s Office around noon to have a slight unfill. I went back down from the 3.5 cc's to 3.3 cc's. I could immediately feel some relief, but I don't know how this is gonna work yet. Of course, I am still on liquids, but it is still kinda hard to swallow. I guess I am still swollen and irritated from being so tight.

11/17/05 - Had my 5th fill today. Went from 3.2 cc's to 3.5 cc's. I could tell immediately that this fill is gonna be very tight. Did liquids for dinner, but could barely get anything down. I had a rough night. I couldn't even swallow my own saliva! - 242

11/5/05 - I don't know what's wrong with me. I started walking everyday and now I can't seem to remember to take my vitamins and meds. I start one thing to stop another. Why can't I do both at the same time??? I have been walking 2 miles a day for the past week and will soon increase it to 3 miles and so on.... Now I have to get back on track with my vitamins.

We are looking at homes right now, so I have been a bit consumed with that. Haven't been posting much, kinda stayin in lurk mode. I enjoy reading everyone else's posts, but haven't had much to say myself. I guess I'll get it together soon. I'm sure that the stress is only beginning!!!! I hope to be in my new home by Christmas. My first real purchase ya'll (besides 3 vehichles), but this is major. I guess it's about time, HELL I AM 34 YEARS OLD. Damn, I will be 35 in 7 more months. I remember when I thought my Mother was OLD when she was 35. I guess I can understand now when my daughter comments that I am OLD. Well, I may be getting older, but I am definitely getting BETTER!!! 35 is gonna be my year. I'm gonna do things at 35 that I haven't done all my life. IM COMIN' OUT YA'LL.....watch me na!!!!! I guess it I leave the Haagen Daaz alone, this PLATEAU might end!
Back to the proteins.... - 248 again!

10/31/05-Today my 12 yr old made the basketball team. GO BRIANA!!!! I am so proud of her. She is a very determined child and I know that she will go far in life. I know that I am kinda hard on her... but hey that's how I grew up. She will thank me for this later. I didn't have a hard time eating today. Had some more boiled shrimp and boiled eggs. I could eat this forever! If the tightness does not go away, I just may have to. It's HALLOWEEN and I am sitting at the computer. My kids are dying to get outside to trick or treat, but it is cold as hell outside. The weather just does not know what it wants to do. One day it's cold and the next day it's hot. Well, I guess I'll come back and finish this. It's time to take the kiddies out for some goodies. 'Til next time PEAZ OUT! - 245

10/28/05- Today was truly a testing day. Had my annual review at work and got my so-called bonus. I couldn't believe that my bonus was decreased by $1500 less than last year. I was so disappointed because I was counting on that money to go towards the earnest money for my house and towards the down payment, if any. Well so much for that!! I can't go anywhere now because I need to buy a house first. After I do that I don't know... I may need to remove myself from that comfort zone and move on to better employment. I can't let this setback steal my joy. I will go wherever God tells me to go. He has never failed me and I know that he never will. He loved me when I didn't love myself and I can not PRAISE HIM ENUF!!!

10/27/05-Today I had my 4th fill!!! I am now at 3.2 cc's. I can really feel restriction now. When I am drinking cold stuff, it kinda gurgles when it goes down. I had a hard time drinking a Slimfast shake this morning and my crystal lite. It does not hurt or anything, but I can feel everything SLOWLY churning down as I swallow. Maybe I'm just swollen. Well I hope that it gets better by Sunday when I can eat solids again. So far all is well and I have not had any problems eating or drinking. After my 3rd fill, I could also feel some restriction and I noticed that I could not eat breads or pastas anymore. I get this tight/gassy/burning sensation in my chest. I am trying my best not to PB or to get anything stuck, so I will stick to the soft solids until I get used to this fill. I will have another one in 3 weeks. My doctor feels that I will really lose after the next one. WELL I HOPE SO, because it seems that I won't be able to eat much with this one. I just hope that I don't get too tight. I don't like being sick. -same ole 248

10/22/05-IF YOU COULD SEE ME DANCING AND JUMPING FOR JOY!!!! We got our Pre-Approval letter back. Huh, and I just submitted to repair my credit. Oh well any little improvement will help on our interest rate. Hopefully I will have a little time for SOMETHING to get removed that may increase my credit score. I AM SO EXCITED RIGHT NOW. GOD IS SO GOOD TO ME! Thank you Jesus! My first home!!! It's about time. I am 34 years old. At one time I thought that my oldest daughter would be in High School by the time I could afford a house. Well I came kinda close cause she's in middle school:-) My baby daughter is almost 2 yrs old and she is learning sign language and Spanish at her daycare. It's a really nice school and she has adjusted well. It is so cute to see her speaking sign language. The phrase that they are working on now is "more water please", so she says it and signs with her hands at the same time. It is unbelievable all the things that she has learned. I LOVE MY CHILDREN SO MUCH. Thank you God for blessing me with such wonderful gifts. Thank you for bringing such wonderful little lives into my life. Their smiles make all of my worry, stress, and pain just disappear. They are the reason that my journey began. I could not imagine not seeing them grow up and start their own lives as mature, very well educated, strong young ladies. Of course, they are DIVAS IN TRAINING!!!

10/21/05-Submitted my application for Pre-Approval for our new house. THANK YOU JESUS! I am claiming it NOW. Thank you Lord.

10/14/05- Whew Lawd!! I just knew that I was too CUTE today at work. I figured that I'd better wear these new jean capris before they get too big and before it get's too cold. I walked my a$$ off at work today. Just couldn't stay at my desk to save my life. Life is so much better now. I went shopping and bought a couple of pieces to tide me over, but no major shopping. Next time I really shop, it will probably be around Christmas. Still struggling with the exercise, although my man gives me a GREAT WORKOUT!! Oops, that's TOO MUCH INFORMATION, but it's true. I can do things that I forgot I could do and I LOVE IT!!!! OK, I will spare the details. I guess when I lose enough weight, maybe I will post some of MY sexy pics on my site. Nuthin' too raunchy though. Just sexy and classy. Well, Baby Daddy and I are thinking about buying a house. Hell, first we need to get married, but I guess it will all come in time. It's better that we are takin' it SLOW this time. We did every damn thang a$$backward$, but we are trying to correct our mistakes. Believe me, PRAYER changes things. I thank GOD for the peace that he has bestowed upon us and the strength to give it another try. Thank you JESUS for your undying love and for your guidance and for your protection. You know that I was just about at the end of my rope... for a brief minute. Thank you for our beautiful daughters that make each breath that I take even more worth taking. Until later... PEAZ OUT FAM!!!!

10/6/05- Went in for 3rd fill. My band is now at 2.6 cc's. I hope that I have better restriction with this one. I don't overeat or anything, but I don't really know when I am full, I just stop on my own for the fear of being sick. I am trying my best not to be sick. - 248.

9/16/05- Had second fill visit on yesterday. I have lost a total of 33lbs!!!!! I have a 4cc band and I am now at 2cc's. I am half way there. I will be on liquids for 2 days, then softs for 2 days, so it will be a couple of days before I know what type of restriction I will have. I'M GOING DOWN!!!!! - 255

9/12/05- I have got to get back on track. I started walking last night. Trying to get my protein, meds, and water in. I have an appointment for my 2nd fill on the 15th. I can't wait because I have been eating things that I know that I shouldn't. It's not that I am eating a lot, just the wrong things. I just hope that this fill does not make me too tight. It's time for the losing to start again. - 258.8

9/2/05- In the midst of all of the sorrow, I am trying to hold all of the emotion inside. I am originally from Louisiana . I was born and raised in a small town approximately 1 hr and 15 mins from NEW ORLEANS . My heart is aching for all those suffering. We never realize how blessed we are. The death and devastation is just too much to bear. God Please place a rim of protection around all those who have lost and all those who have been devastated!!! It is so hard to believe that people in our own nation are dying and suffering, not in private, but in public, and our nation has failed them so badly. I know that things don't happen overnight, but we are so quick to jump to the aide of foreign lands, but yet we allow our own homeland to suffer such devastation. I am truly at a lost for words. The emotion has overwhelmed me. - 261

8/25/05- TODAY I GOT MY FIRST FILL!!!!! Actually, I wasn't expecting it today. I thought that he would do it next week, but he said I'm gonna give it to you today. Back to liquids for 2 days, mushies for 2 days and then I start all over with the solids. In 3 more weeks I'll get my second fill. I hope to be under 200 by Christmas. That's my first mini goal. - 263

8/20/05 - I woke up this morning and decided that it was time for me to get my butt up and at it. I walked 2 miles this morning. I took the time to meditate and think as I walked. My energy level was high and I felt refreshed. Thoughts of the great days ahead flooded my mind as I took deep breaths and exhaled. You know, Stella has got to get her groove back.-

8/19/05- Still trying to motivate myself to walk. I am just about bummed out on mashed potatoes and refried beans. Had a "bad" experience with creamed spinach this week. Won't be doing that anytime soon. I am still having a hard time trying to get my proteins in and to take my meds. I've got to get over the fear of getting a pill stuck. I promise to do better. Well at least, my clothes are getting looser. It's not time to shop though. Victoria Secret here I come. It won't be a secret anymore, everyone will know when I purchase that new rhinestone thong. Woo hoo!! WATCH OUT NOW BEYONCE, HERE I COME!!!! - 266

 8/15/05- First restaurant experience since surgery. I am still in the mushy stage for another week, but it wasn't hard to eat out. We went to Chili's. I thought that watching other people eat Baby Back Ribs would kill me, but I lived. I ordered loaded mashed potatoes, which I had to remove the skins from and topped it with some cheesy queso and sour cream. It wasn't the best thing that I could have eaten, but it was almost the only thing that I could eat off of the menu. Well it wasn't so bad. Next week I can start or try eating solid foods, so we'll see how that goes!!!- 266.8

 8/9/05- Had post op appointment to remove staples. GUESS WHAT? I have lost 21 lbs total. I guess the liquid diet paid off after all!!!! Down from 289 to 268!!

 8/8/05- First day back at work. It was Ok, but my back is still bothering me and I am still sore at the port site. - 270.0

 8/4/05- Feel like a new person today! Still kinda sore, but I can move around much better now. I still haven't mastered the drinking yet. When I drink, I get a tightness in my chest after a few sips. I have been taking Mylanta and Gas X to try to help with gas, so I guess I need to take even smaller and slower sips. - 274.4

 8/2/05- Still very sore and hoarse. I walked around a little today and spent most of the day in the recliner. Took a shower today and felt much better. Receive a bouquet of flowers from my job today. They are so sweet!!! - 277.8

 8/1/05- I had my surgery today and I am really sore and drowsy. the port site is very tender and my stomach is really bloated. It looks like I just had another baby, so my 1 and 1/2 yr old is looking at me really weird. All I can do right now is get some rest

7/31/05- weighed in at 275.8

 7/28/05-Registration at hospital scheduled today. I arrived at the hospital to fill out all of the registration paperwork, only to find out that I was not registered to have surgery on 8/1. I had a fit. It seems that someone on the "surgery floor" had misplaced the surgery reservation that had been faxed over by my surgeon's office. After making several phone calls, and having to go through insurance verification again, I was on my way to complete paperwork and bloodwork. Just another bump in the road, but I won't let anything stop me.

 7/25/05-Started the one week pre-op liquid diet. It will be hard, but I know that I can do it. I have two beautiful daughters that need me ALIVE.

 7/24/05-LAST MEAL at Texas Roadhouse: Ribeye steak, bbq ribs, baked sweet potato with caramel and marshmallows, steak fries, and hot rolls with cinnamon butter.

 7/20/05-Received call from Dr. Maese in reference to stress test results. He asked that I come in to speak with him. I went in for the visit. He told me that my results were not good. My heart was functioning at 35%. I was devasted. He put me on three types of congestive heart failure meds and changed my blood pressure med to one that has meds in it to improve the heart. On top of all those, he requested that I take one baby aspirin a day. I am too young to have all of these health problems. I am only 34 years old. I need to have this surgery ASAP to regain my health and my life back!!!

7/18/05-Had stress test done. It did not kill me like I thought it would.

 7/13/05-Received a call from the doctor's office. I HAVE TO TAKE A DARN STRESS TEST. It seems like the requests are never ending.

 7/11/05-Met with Dr. Barker to sign paperwork for the hospital.

6/10/05- Got a surgery date. It will be 8/1/05 and I can't wait.

 6/8/05-YES, YES, YES. Finally, after millions of calls and faxes. I have received an approval for lap band!!!! I am on my way now.

 2/26/05- Met with Dottie at PsyMed. She is very nice. Everything is a GO!!!

For the next two and a half months, my insurance co. (Beechstreet Corporation) has given me the run around. I had thyroid cancer in 1995, but had the tumor removed. Now, my insurance company is making me followup before they will approve my surgery. I had to do an ultrasound, they were not satisfied. They requested that I do a needle biopsy. Thank God that it all came back normal. Thank you Jesus!! Now they can not deny me.

 2/23/05-Dr. Barker mailed the letter to my insurance company.

 2/21/05-Things are moving really fast. I had my psyc eval today. Well the testing part anyway. I have to go back on 2/26/05 to speak with the counselor and to get my testing results.

 2/18/05- Met with my surgeon, Dr. Wade Barker. He is a very handsome man, just as Dr. Maese is also. Boy, my doctor's are HOTTIES. He works under Dr. Maese's supervision. I felt really comfortable with him too. He does not talk as much, but seems to be very confident.

 2/12/05-Finally completed the sleep study. A nasal mask was used this time. It was much more comfortable and I was able to fall asleep.

 2/9/05-Second night at the sleep study. This did not go well because I could not tolerate the warm air flowing through the mask. I felt like I was smothering. I asked to leave after about 1hr of sleep. I just could not go back to sleep.

 1/26/05-I did not answer any calls last night because I was in the middle of my sleep test. Well I got a call today that my best friend was murdered by her husband. She had tried to call me, but I did not answer because I was being tested. It took me about a week to listen to the message that she left on my voice mail. I will never forget this day. REST IN PEACE MARY BETH MATHEWS- CLAVELLE. I love you girl!!!

 1/25/05-Had the first part of my sleep test. I slept like a log. It seemed to be the most comfortable bed that I had ever slept in. Woke up feeling like a winner.

 1/19/05- I had my first consultation with Dr. Maese. He was a very hyper, but informative doctor. He really made me laugh and took some of the edge off of my nervousness. He made me feel comfortable and gave me more confidence that I could lose the weight.