well lets see where to begin ,

since my last post , i have fallen in love . moved my mother into a suite in my basement , maintained but not lost any weight since july of this year due to some choices i made that i dont feel in the least bit guilty over , but i do feel the struggle to get back on track and continue on with my journey of weigh loss.

even though i didt really lose any over the summer my body did go through some pretty cool changes that i didnt notice until about 2 weeks ago when i finally had to admit to myself , that it was too cold to wear shorts and i needed to go out and buy some new pants and long sleeved shirts to keep me warmer. so im on my way to the fat people store and im not sure why but i detoured into a regular size store and tried on jeans there first and to my utter astonsihment they fit. all be it there were the largest size they carry a 36 inch but gone are the days of 26w , 4x ect clothes. that made my day. i bought 4 pair . brought them home , had them hemmed and off to my surgeons office to ensure there was no prob with the band like being to tight as i have been having issues with vommiting. well what i found out was this , my band is fin , restriction is great so the problem with the vomitting is me all me nothing more than me not eating small enough bites , chewing enough , slow enough what ever the case but it is all me. what a relief to know that im not to tight , but what a blow to find that it is me that is causing he problem , by my habbits and not following the rules to the T.
so what to do.
get back on track , easier said then done im finding. i do fairly well all day till the evening , then the head hunger hits . i want ice cream or gelato . not cookies , not cake , not chocolate bars (although i have indulged in a chocoalte bar or 2 ) . i sit at work . all my clients in bed , house is quiet and i have 2 hours to go what do i want to do ??? you got it EAT!! even the house doesnt have much that interests me in the way snacking on bad foods , yet im still looking and by the time i get off work , i have worked my self up to the point of a near frenzy wanting the gelato and because i cant have it as the store closes early i have talked my self into an icecream sundae from all place mcdonalds , and admittengly have stopped and got one. so far over past 10 days i have only indulged 5 times , i have changed the route and speed in which i drive home so ensure that they are closed by the time i get there so that i cant indulge . but it isnt stopping the want for it. thats what i need , to stop the want.
maybe its time i make an appointment to see my councilor again and see about getting his take on it and help to stop. it could be stress , as i have recenlty moved my mom into a suite in the basement of my house and it has not been an easy transisition. could be work and me not know it. could also be this new man in my life i love him to death and he me. but i keep waiting for the fall out. i have never been in a helathy relationship so have nothing but bad relations to learn from and things are so good , im so happy , i keep waiting for the shoe to fall and me to screw it up and all that.
god i sound like im a mess , but it really isnt that bad. just sounds like it when i write it down.
anyway anyone who reads this , pls respond if you feel you have some encouraging words for me.

tara- out

ok here goes ,

nearly 11 weeks out.
have had 1 fill scheduled for the next on the 31st of march.
im losing weight al be it very slowly . this past week has been in the toilet for me. have been having one hell of a time , not snacking. specially in the evenings. i have been snacking on healthy things tho , like chesse strings or grapes , or weight watcher treat. well not entirely i did get into the easter chocolate at work the other night and the worst part was it wasnt even the good chocolate. i felt really gross after too. i have put it down to crappy chocolate and the fact i have had no sugar other than what might be in my meal that i eat.

ummm lets see. oh yeah , i have completed a 10 week course on body image that has  helped me greatly in accrting my body and appreciating it as well as hopfully being able to adapt as i get thinner. frankly i think that was part of the issue with not being able to stay on track this past week. people are telling me im looking good and healthy and not as puffy and thinner. i tend to sabotage myself when i get compliments and try to do anything i can to not have the compliments paid. i  have made an appointment with my councilor to go over this again and i will bring it up again with those at the wlls centre when o go there next week. maybe they will have some tips for me as well.

have notcied recently that im having probs with a few foods and it has me a bit concerned as im sure it is cause im not chewing enough or im justnot going to be able to tolerate them. the biggest is raw carrot. i love raw carrot. in fact almost all my vegies i eat are raw or eldente. how ever the carrot just wont stay down and dumb dumb me keeps trying thingking "today will be different" and it isnt.

ummm what else , oh the gym thing is a new thing for me. i joined on feb 9th just 3 weeks shy of my surgery and have been going everyday since or at leat 5x week. sometimes my shift doent allow me to get there so i have to rely on my own devices to get off my butt and do some walking and ab work on days im not in the gym. i have hired a personal trainer , let me tell u ladies , it is the best  thing since reese  peanut butter cups for me anyway. my trainer kicks my butt at least 3x weekly for 30-45 minutes at a time and the results are really starting to show. i am down in weight and inches although i dont know how many inces as we have not measured since i joined the gym. we are doing that on thursday the 27th just before i go down o everett for my fill on the monday. but i am down from a 3x to a lg/xl in shorts , a 3x to a 1x in tops , i can no longer buy bras at the fat people store they told me they dont carry them small enought , the bathtub water totally empties and doesnt pool behind my butt when i let the water drain out before i climb out .i can walk 8 kn which is 5 miles in less than 90 minutes in the neighborhood andnot wheeze to badly (im asthmatic) my blood levels are near normal (im pre - diabetic)
and some said i was sexy the other day.

so lots of changes going on.some good some not good. emotionally im struggling with the changes , trying very hard not to slip up and think positive thoughts through this. im not sleeping better like i had hoped , still needing to rely on meds for that , but the pain meds i h ave been able to lessen the amount i take , due to less pain and smaller pouch so effectivenss is less since less room to melt or what ever.

umm what else , im still planning a new life after the band and once im closer to end of summer i will look at school and hopefully know if i will be going for massage therapist or family councilor or perhaps even obesity councilor. so much depends on whether or not i can strengthen my back and shoulders and neck enough to be able to do massage or not , how ever i must admit the healthier i am becoming the more i want to help others in a counciling way, so we shall see as they say.

weight wise i am happy to announce that i have left the 2-teens and entering the 2-10's 2-9's ect so my goal of hitting wonderland by my birthday in early may is still deffinitely obtainable.
i want a bike both a motorcycle and a peedle bike. i want a peedle bike so i can ride to work on day shift and a motorcycle so i can ride to work on eve shift and not get killed on my peedle bike on the way home at midnight b the drunks on the road. the path from my house to work is 7 miles and a direct route for about 11 bars and night clubs , not a great thing to be on a peddle bike when the pubs are closing as im riding home.

ok so i think thats about it.
thanks for stopping by, feel free to leave a note if u are so inclined.

tara- out

last night , just as i was getting ready to go to bahai pot luck , sedona got out and ran undermy car. i tried and tried to catch her , but my tummy muslces are just not strong enough to not hurt with all the bending , and stooping and crawling under cars to get her. after almost 30 min  and 4 other people helping me , she got so scared of everyone she ran in the house, safe and i could go on my to the potluck. anyway i knew as i was crawling under the truck for at least the 3rd time that this was not gonna be good on my tum tum and sure enough m it really hasn settled much today. mostly at the blister site as my jeans are rubbing on it , but also tummy muscles are sore.
so now its 11 pm , i had supper at about 6 and then about an hour ago i ate again , a couple dates , 2 tablespoons soy nuts and few crackers. now i ate this not cuz i was hungry , but i needed something in tummy to take meds so they upset tummy more but now i am feeling so uncomfortable. now im pretty sure i havent gone over in caloric or serving counts as i purposely didnt eat all the protein or grain foods at supper although i didnt starve myself either , but i cant wait till i dodnt need to do this as i know it just isnt good to eat b4 bed and specially after supper. 
anyway tomorrow im not gonna do this , i think if tummy this sore tomorrow , i will take the meds at supper and then a sleep aid so that ill fall asleep eary in evening and not  have to get up and take pain meds again.
i didnt even walk today as muscles so sore in tummy today. i felt i need to rest the area. so now im feeling a bit guilty as i havnet really walked other than at costco in 3 days , not good i know , but also i know not bad as this is a time to heal not run a marathon.

ok go that written and said , so im done fot the night here.
i need to go journal as i had body image counciling tonight and i have some writting to do regarding that session today as well

tara-out

it isnt clarly said but i just reread it so thought i better make it clear.

this womans post made me realize until i read her post i wasnt 100 percent committed to this band. i still was not positive in believing it could and would work for me.

now i know it will.

the anger , the sorrow  , and all the other emotions that that blog brought up for me , have made the stubbornness in me come out and say u know what , u are going to make this work come hell or high water so get of your ass and believe it. dont let past beliefs and garbage about you not being worth it , sabbotage even this tool and gift u have to help , take the bull by the horns and use it. be successfull , and show your dad and everyone who doesnt believe in you , that it doesnt matter , cuz i did it and i believed i could

ok now its clear!!!

now im done- with this blogg anyway
not the weight loss

tara