tara M.'s Profile

what an eye opener that was holy sheep sh$t
on January 25, 2008 4:30 pm

wow 20 minutes or so later and im still crying and feeling very overwhelmed over a realization i just had when some one posted that she had been denied the surgery from her insurance provider. i have read many many posts about that , and im not sure why but this time , when i started to tell her to keep her chin up all these tears started to flow about me and the surgery and how i was self pay and payed it from money i got due to my dads death this past august.

what an eye opener. now i finally night even be able to grieve his death. i think i am finally forgiving him for things that i havent and i know have kept me from being able to to really greive his loss.

i know my dad loved me in his own way , but there are so many snide comments that were made , so many jabs not even necessarily stating your fat that he said over the years , that really made me resent him and not like him very much.
my dad was an alcoholic and although it is no an excuse for him for his bahvaior in my books it sure was and is for others , just as his having spina bifida was an excuse.
my dad quite frankly was quite an asshole if you really want know. he thought he was above the law because his balance or lack of due to the spina bifida got him off several drunk driving charges , and more , thus in his reality telling him he was the best and even above the law. he had no respect for anyone of authority. while i can and do commend him on so many things he was able to achieve despite this challange he had been born with , he also was an ass plain and simple.

all my life he never ever told me he was proud of me , or that he loved me , or that i was a good person. He told other people when i wasnt around , but never me. if i came home from school with an B which was very unlikely especially in math or english since i am dyslexic , he would want to know where the A was.
i was never good enough for him. he comments i heard from him were always about weight, and how fat i was , and how i would never marry as who would ever want to be with some one so fat. so i learned not to introduce my boyfriends to my family , so much so , at one time , my brother (dead now ) had a concersation with me asking me if i was gay . my mom thought maybe i was , since i never had brought a boy home and she had my brother ask cuz he and i were very close and he was gay so mom thought if i was he would be able to find out. If my dad did meat some one i was invloved with which did happen but it was very rare , he would always say to them , as he fluffed out his chest , you know , my daughter is quite a catch if you marry her. when i die and her mother dies , all this will be hers. just think , you ________(fill in the guys name) will have a boat , cabin on the lake , new cars regularaly and well maintained so no worries about breakdowns.
collector cars that i (dad talking) have restored over the years ,,,,,so yeah , you could be in for a lot if you stick it out with my daughter.
when i would hear this , all i could think of was how , my own father felt that he had to SELL me inorder for me to fall in love and marry. he didnt think that anyone would ever marry me or love me cause of who i am , but only of what they would get if they stuck it out with me. At times my mom would get caught up in this too. so when the relationship ended , it was always what did you do why did you break up , cant you talk him into staying , does he remember what he loses if the 2 of you break up.always my fault then of course the weight came into play , if only you werent so heavy , you have such a pretty face if only you werent so heavy , blah blah blah im sure we have all heard those lines.

ok ,,,,so , my dad died in aug of /07 . and many other things happened between may of 07 and nov of the same year to bring to me to the point where i had to make some choices about me and my life and what i wanted. so in may i put my self very heavily into counciling , both in group situation and private. The team i saw and still see helped me endlessly to heal and become helathier. it was during this process that i realized so many things about me , that i was unable to change cause i was so emotionally screwed up , no slef esteem , no self confiedence o nothing, till i started doing the work i have been doing.
it was thorugh this transition that i AGAIN started contemplating WLS but couldnt commit to either financially or emotionally as to whether or not it was for me.
just before going back to work after taking an unpaid LOA over all these personal issues i was going through including my dad death , i looked on line saw that there was a seminar in spokane about the lap band surgery. at this point i still was undecided as to what i wanted to do with my life and whether or not i thought the surgery was for me or not. but i wanted to go away for a few days before i went back to work and this gave me the reason to take off for a few days. little did i know how profound that seminar would be for me.
the woman who spoke was what did it for me. she said many many things , showed pic of her 160 pounds heavier than she was before banding and non of that seemed to say anything to me either way about it being a good thing or a bad thing to have the surgery. That was until she said 2 words.."self confidence". that was like a blomb going off in my head. i knew right then that no matter how i had to do it , i was having the surgery and i was having it right away.
my mom went with me and she was still well its a lot of money , and all these other things not sure about it , but for me , it was the catalyst tha pulled me in. i told her i didnt care what i had to do , i was having that surgery and as soon as possible. she said well wait till the sring when the weathers better, i said no, its no or never, if i wait i wont do it. i have to do it now.
and as for my journey , that is when i became more active on the board and made friends here and stuff.
so i finally have my story here , and it took one person talking about her insurance being denied to open this can of worms. she will probly never know or understand how muh her post helped me to realize just how committed i am to this.hell even i wasnt 100 percent until this haopened that it would work for me. and i have been banded 10 days now. go figure.
she is an angel for me and im thankful i saw her for that or i might havemissed the chance to see what was right in front of me.
thanks........you helped a lot and dont even know it. mybe someday ill feel i can send this to her , after all its all here for those to see if they choose to. why not the one who opened it all up. infact she should be the first.
i will ave to send her a friends invite and invite her to read this story , maybe it will help her in some way

tara-out

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love my chiro
on January 24, 2008 4:56 pm

he really is the best.
yesterday i was in so much pain i cried most of the day .specially in the evening and late afternoon.
i called his office and knew he would not be in till after lunch but that was ok as i still wasnt sure he would even be able to adjust me as i cant really lay on my side for long and the tummy is deffinitely out for laying on still.
anyway , we decided to try and i went into see him at 1030 this morning. he set aside extra time for me since neither one of us was sure if he would be able to do much and wanted as much time as possible to try a few things if one thing didnt work ect.
well , other than pain in my left shoulder that seems to now be in the front not the back of shoulder like it was the adjustment was a huge success. no low back pain since seeing him this morning. its even easier to take a deep breath. the pain in my left shoulder is quite noticeable probly cuz i didnt really have much of it before and what i did have was in the back shoulder blade now it is in the front, After the appointment i went to wallmart for a few things , and then it was off to the multiplex for my daily walk there. i walked a bit faster , and deffinitely with less pain , i even walked a bit longer.
i will go see him again on tuesday to keep on top of things how ever i do have his home number too should i need to see him sooner. he says it isnt often he gives out his home number or his cell number but i have both as i have been a patient of his for a number of years and he knows id have to honnestly feel like i was gonna die b4 id call him at home or on his cell. in all the years i have been going to him (about 8 years) i h ave only called him twice at home. he has given me hell for not calling at times as i have gone in almosr crawling onthe ground i have been in such pain , and not called , so he knows i have to really be hurting o call him.
anyway had to post this as i think it is important to doccument not only for my own progress and such but for others who may experience the same thing , and not think they can get relief. i wish i had gone in sooner to be honnest. anyway im just glad i feel so much better now.

tara-out

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surgery and meeting chelle
on January 22, 2008 10:00 am

ok for those of you who have been waiting for the story of the surgery and my meeting chelle. im home now and more alert and stuff so will tell.

firs of all flight down was a nightmare. there were like 2 people in front of me before hitting security screening , and there comes an announcment that my plane has been canceled due to mechanical issues and that i can TRY to get on later flight. Well cause i had to get there and stuff i went to another airline to see what they might be able to offer me. she says , mam (i hate that) you would be better off getting on first flight from any airline to vancouver then onto seattle as we are a small airport , and chances are if you wait for the plane you were to be on you may not get out today as it is the same plane as the 2 pm flight and 5 pm flight. soo three hundred dollars later , im on another plane diff airline to vancouver. then i have a 3 hour lay over there to get plane to seattle. it took 12 hours to get from my house to the hotel. i could have driven there faster.
so , i get to hotel ,, we settle in then go get a few groceries , tv bed and wednesday (16th) is surgery day. i get there as requested at 0715 , surgery 0815.
not sure how long it took but eventually dr. came in , said it all went well , that i had a standard band put in and other than it taking a it longer than ususal to wake me up , nothing exciting to report. i was dressed and home by 1230 home meaning hotel. thursday i slept most of day.Friday was feeling pretty good , went to mall and wandered it for a while (3 hours) before i was wiped out for the day.
i got a call from chelle later that evening after supper and she was in town and on her way to hotel, so i got up out of bed and put on clothes and chelle was banging on the door almost right away.
she nad her daughter in law visited for a couple hours then they were off to take her son supper at work and see him. sat i was busy visitng family and chelle was busy as well. sunday night we got together again for a visit. chelle looked tired but good.

was so weird , cuz meeting her after all these years was like we just handt seen each other for a while and we were catching up. sos tupid thought forgot to take pictures.
anyway meeting her was great.
sunday during the day went to northgate mall and bought 2 pair of shoes from the new balance store there for the price of 1 pair here at home. the guy chris , was really nice and helpfull. i couldnt believe the difference in price and he was saying they have been getting a lot of canadians in there buying shoes cause of the price difference. soi asked him , how many people i had to send to him to get a free pair of shoes , he said that was negotiable and to just have people tell him the gal from canada sent them in and we would figure out something. so any of you in area needing s hoes go to north mall in lynwwod to the new balance store ask fo chris tell him i sent ya so i can work on another pair of shoes. yesterday before heading home , i had post op appointment , surgeon said i was doing well , no suprises and could slowly move onto soft mushy foods that could be broken up with a fork. but im still a bit concerned about the caloric intake as it seems quite low what im taking in, but im not overly full or overly hungry and it is lasting , so im just kind of listening to body asking questions and doing what i want to.
i also called toni o the night i go into everett and spoke with her. she sounded great. didnt get the chance to talk too much tho as it was long distance and she needed her rest , then i had mine and got busy with chelle and family and my own healing. but it was great to chat with her.
so thats the story.
how much do u remember? there might be a test after i write a bit more about post op appointment.

i burned my belly with heating pad. it has blistered now but isnt a nasty red color , just a pinky red and then the blister. wendy from the dr. office is kinda freaked out over it all , but im not. i emailed the nurse just incase i should do something or not do someething , cuz of location of the blister and port , but im sure its fine. yes im blonde. dump pain medication all over bathroom floor thanks to child proof lids , one night and then burn my belly.

ok so here is the test?

am i blonde or not?

tara-out

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surgery and meeting chelle
on January 22, 2008 10:00 am

ok for those of you who have been waiting for the story of the surgery and my meeting chelle. im home now and more alert and stuff so will tell.

firs of all flight down was a nightmare. there were like 2 people in front of me before hitting security screening , and there comes an announcment that my plane has been canceled due to mechanical issues and that i can TRY to get on later flight. Well cause i had to get there and stuff i went to another airline to see what they might be able to offer me. she says , mam (i hate that) you would be better off getting on first flight from any airline to vancouver then onto seattle as we are a small airport , and chances are if you wait for the plane you were to be on you may not get out today as it is the same plane as the 2 pm flight and 5 pm flight. soo three hundred dollars later , im on another plane diff airline to vancouver. then i have a 3 hour lay over there to get plane to seattle. it took 12 hours to get from my house to the hotel. i could have driven there faster.
so , i get to hotel ,, we settle in then go get a few groceries , tv bed and wednesday (16th) is surgery day. i get there as requested at 0715 , surgery 0815.
not sure how long it took but eventually dr. came in , said it all went well , that i had a standard band put in and other than it taking a it longer than ususal to wake me up , nothing exciting to report. i was dressed and home by 1230 home meaning hotel. thursday i slept most of day.Friday was feeling pretty good , went to mall and wandered it for a while (3 hours) before i was wiped out for the day.
i got a call from chelle later that evening after supper and she was in town and on her way to hotel, so i got up out of bed and put on clothes and chelle was banging on the door almost right away.
she nad her daughter in law visited for a couple hours then they were off to take her son supper at work and see him. sat i was busy visitng family and chelle was busy as well. sunday night we got together again for a visit. chelle looked tired but good.

was so weird , cuz meeting her after all these years was like we just handt seen each other for a while and we were catching up. sos tupid thought forgot to take pictures.
anyway meeting her was great.
sunday during the day went to northgate mall and bought 2 pair of shoes from the new balance store there for the price of 1 pair here at home. the guy chris , was really nice and helpfull. i couldnt believe the difference in price and he was saying they have been getting a lot of canadians in there buying shoes cause of the price difference. soi asked him , how many people i had to send to him to get a free pair of shoes , he said that was negotiable and to just have people tell him the gal from canada sent them in and we would figure out something. so any of you in area needing s hoes go to north mall in lynwwod to the new balance store ask fo chris tell him i sent ya so i can work on another pair of shoes. yesterday before heading home , i had post op appointment , surgeon said i was doing well , no suprises and could slowly move onto soft mushy foods that could be broken up with a fork. but im still a bit concerned about the caloric intake as it seems quite low what im taking in, but im not overly full or overly hungry and it is lasting , so im just kind of listening to body asking questions and doing what i want to.
i also called toni o the night i go into everett and spoke with her. she sounded great. didnt get the chance to talk too much tho as it was long distance and she needed her rest , then i had mine and got busy with chelle and family and my own healing. but it was great to chat with her.
so thats the story.
how much do u remember? there might be a test after i write a bit more about post op appointment.

i burned my belly with heating pad. it has blistered now but isnt a nasty red color , just a pinky red and then the blister. wendy from the dr. office is kinda freaked out over it all , but im not. i emailed the nurse just incase i should do something or not do someething , cuz of location of the blister and port , but im sure its fine. yes im blonde. dump pain medication all over bathroom floor thanks to child proof lids , one night and then burn my belly.

ok so here is the test?

am i blonde or not?

tara-out

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OK 3 DAYS TILL SURGERY AND........
on January 13, 2008 6:27 pm

I have been catching up on the message board since i got home from work and my walk and the last pos i read was really quite scarey in some ways. they are talking about fills and whether its better to be aggressively filled or non aggressively filled , some of the comments are kind of scarey and rather than post my fears there and be told im over reacting or not ready to "give up the food" i writing it in here instead. it kind of scares me that people are wanting to be and or believing that being so filled you are never hungry is a good thing. i cant see that this is a healthy way to be using the band. if you are never hungry , u wont eat and there fore all food taken in will be turned into sugar and stored making you gain weight not lose. i have been there done that with out surgery , that is part of why im so heavy now. i used to think if i didnt eat at all i wouldnt gain weight and i would lose and the opposite worked i got heavier and heavier so im not quite sure if never being hungry is a good thing , cuz if u arent hungry then u dont eat hence the circle of a fat anorexic. Orrrrrrrrr regardless of whether u are hungry or not , do u eat by the clock?? im so confused. i hope some one can help me on this before i end up in this situation. another reason im not posting this in the site is that im not there yet , so maybe im misreading what they are actually saying.this is deffinitely something i will hve to discuss with dr. and or NUT as i was under the impression that the restriction wasnt there to make u never hungry but to make u satisfied with less food there fore u eat less not eat nothing at all.
ok im done for now

tara - out
and confused

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to complete the 30 day challenge for jan

lose 20 lbs in the first month after surgery

to have the lap band surgery by mid feb 2008

to have cosults by end of year