what an eye opener that was holy sheep sh$t
posted on 1/25/08 4:30 pm
wow 20 minutes or so later and im still crying and feeling very overwhelmed over a realization i just had when some one posted that she had been denied the surgery from her insurance provider. i have read many many posts about that , and im not sure why but this time , when i started to tell her to keep her chin up all these tears started to flow about me and the surgery and how i was self pay and payed it from money i got due to my dads death this past august.
what an eye opener. now i finally night even be able to grieve his death. i think i am finally forgiving him for things that i havent and i know have kept me from being able to to really greive his loss.
i know my dad loved me in his own way , but there are so many snide comments that were made , so many jabs not even necessarily stating your fat that he said over the years , that really made me resent him and not like him very much.
my dad was an alcoholic and although it is no an excuse for him for his bahvaior in my books it sure was and is for others , just as his having spina bifida was an excuse.
my dad quite frankly was quite an asshole if you really want know. he thought he was above the law because his balance or lack of due to the spina bifida got him off several drunk driving charges , and more , thus in his reality telling him he was the best and even above the law. he had no respect for anyone of authority. while i can and do commend him on so many things he was able to achieve despite this challange he had been born with , he also was an ass plain and simple.
all my life he never ever told me he was proud of me , or that he loved me , or that i was a good person. He told other people when i wasnt around , but never me. if i came home from school with an B which was very unlikely especially in math or english since i am dyslexic , he would want to know where the A was.
i was never good enough for him. he comments i heard from him were always about weight, and how fat i was , and how i would never marry as who would ever want to be with some one so fat. so i learned not to introduce my boyfriends to my family , so much so , at one time , my brother (dead now ) had a concersation with me asking me if i was gay . my mom thought maybe i was , since i never had brought a boy home and she had my brother ask cuz he and i were very close and he was gay so mom thought if i was he would be able to find out. If my dad did meat some one i was invloved with which did happen but it was very rare , he would always say to them , as he fluffed out his chest , you know , my daughter is quite a catch if you marry her. when i die and her mother dies , all this will be hers. just think , you ________(fill in the guys name) will have a boat , cabin on the lake , new cars regularaly and well maintained so no worries about breakdowns.
collector cars that i (dad talking) have restored over the years ,,,,,so yeah , you could be in for a lot if you stick it out with my daughter.
when i would hear this , all i could think of was how , my own father felt that he had to SELL me inorder for me to fall in love and marry. he didnt think that anyone would ever marry me or love me cause of who i am , but only of what they would get if they stuck it out with me. At times my mom would get caught up in this too. so when the relationship ended , it was always what did you do why did you break up , cant you talk him into staying , does he remember what he loses if the 2 of you break up.always my fault then of course the weight came into play , if only you werent so heavy , you have such a pretty face if only you werent so heavy , blah blah blah im sure we have all heard those lines.
ok ,,,,so , my dad died in aug of /07 . and many other things happened between may of 07 and nov of the same year to bring to me to the point where i had to make some choices about me and my life and what i wanted. so in may i put my self very heavily into counciling , both in group situation and private. The team i saw and still see helped me endlessly to heal and become helathier. it was during this process that i realized so many things about me , that i was unable to change cause i was so emotionally screwed up , no slef esteem , no self confiedence o nothing, till i started doing the work i have been doing.
it was thorugh this transition that i AGAIN started contemplating WLS but couldnt commit to either financially or emotionally as to whether or not it was for me.
just before going back to work after taking an unpaid LOA over all these personal issues i was going through including my dad death , i looked on line saw that there was a seminar in spokane about the lap band surgery. at this point i still was undecided as to what i wanted to do with my life and whether or not i thought the surgery was for me or not. but i wanted to go away for a few days before i went back to work and this gave me the reason to take off for a few days. little did i know how profound that seminar would be for me.
the woman who spoke was what did it for me. she said many many things , showed pic of her 160 pounds heavier than she was before banding and non of that seemed to say anything to me either way about it being a good thing or a bad thing to have the surgery. That was until she said 2 words.."self confidence". that was like a blomb going off in my head. i knew right then that no matter how i had to do it , i was having the surgery and i was having it right away.
my mom went with me and she was still well its a lot of money , and all these other things not sure about it , but for me , it was the catalyst tha pulled me in. i told her i didnt care what i had to do , i was having that surgery and as soon as possible. she said well wait till the sring when the weathers better, i said no, its no or never, if i wait i wont do it. i have to do it now.
and as for my journey , that is when i became more active on the board and made friends here and stuff.
so i finally have my story here , and it took one person talking about her insurance being denied to open this can of worms. she will probly never know or understand how muh her post helped me to realize just how committed i am to this.hell even i wasnt 100 percent until this haopened that it would work for me. and i have been banded 10 days now. go figure.
she is an angel for me and im thankful i saw her for that or i might havemissed the chance to see what was right in front of me.
thanks........you helped a lot and dont even know it. mybe someday ill feel i can send this to her , after all its all here for those to see if they choose to. why not the one who opened it all up. infact she should be the first.
i will ave to send her a friends invite and invite her to read this story , maybe it will help her in some way
tara-out
1 Response to "what an eye opener that was holy sheep sh$t"
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KenMan commented on 1/25/08 6:46 pm
