I was a sickly child and I don't know exactly where I got this idea, but I never thought I would live past the age of 20 or 30.  Therefore I never had those getting married and having baby fantasy/plans. 

I didn't get married until I was 30, after 8 years of dating (long distance relationship) a man who was a cancer survivor.  Since we got married late we immediately started fielding the 'when are you going to have kids?' inquiries.  I told my DH that I didn't even want to THINK about having kids until we'd been married at least a couple of years.  I didn't know if we would be successful in our quest considering my DH had been through chemo, but in September 1998 I got pregnant.  We were SO excited, over the moon.  We didn't tell anyone until I was 10 weeks along and the doc thought it was safe.  We told EVERYONE.  The next week I started to bleed and had a miscarriage.  We were still receiving congratulatory cards and calls and we had to tell everyone the bad news.  Truly heartbreaking.  Fortunately we had a vacation planned to go to Estes Park CO about 3 days after my D&C, so that timing worked out well to have some time to regroup before facing life again.

The doc said wait 6 months and we did.  In March 1999 I got pregnant again and delivered a healthy 8lb 3oz boy in December 1999.  I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant until it was so completely obvious that everyone already knew.  I was too scared and superstitious to have a baby shower until he was born.  I wasn't counting this chicken until he hatched! 

My DH and I had waited so long and been through so much to get there that we didn't want to send him off to a sitter and we made the decision that he would be a stay-at-home Dad.  He still stays home with the kids, but has recently accepted the paid position of Christian Education Director at our church.  It has flexible hours and he is qualified from an educational, but also spiritual point of view, and has a rapport with kids that not a lot of men have.

Three years later I delivered healthy twins, a boy and a girl.  OMG - not in the plan, but you get what you get and I was thankful, but overwhelmed.  Now those little babies are getting ready to start kindergarten in a few weeks.  Unbelievable how quickly they grow up.

I never expected to have kids and I don't spend all day with my kids since I'm at work, but boy do I love them.  They are so innocent and pure, and so unabashed.  I hope to be a different mother than I had.  I know she did the best she could and, quite frankly, many of my friends were jealous of me because my parents were still married, not too strict and didn't try to 'run' me too much.  But neither of my parents are very outwardly affectionate...can't remember ever hearing 'I love you' or 'I'm proud of you'.  I know that doesn't mean they don't or aren't, but it would have been nice to hear it occassionally.

As I get older and see things from a different perspective, I mainly want my kids to grow up knowing that I love them.  I don't EVER want that to be a question in their minds, like it still is in mine.  I know it's stupid for me to think that way, but I can't help it.  I know I'm going to do things that they don't like or think are wrong, but I don't ever want them to question the fact that I love them unconditionally.  My parent's love always felt conditional and I think that's one reason why I was always such a good kid.  I was afraid if I did something wrong they wouldn't love me any more...to that point, one of my sisters is disturbed and not a nice person, and my parents have written her off.  I don't really blame them, and I don't have a relationship with her, either, but I just can't imagine doing that to my own kid.  Getting that far away from them, if that makes sense.

I have been truly blessed and sometimes you're given more than you deserve!  With my kids that is definitely the case.

When I went in to this all I thought about was how I would change physically, I'm not sure if it ever occurred to me how it would affect my relationships with other people.  Strangers, acquaintances, family, friends....pretty much everyone. Most of the changes have been positive, but I must say that I've been surprised at some of the negatives.  

STRANGERS:  Without a doubt strangers are a lot nicer to me than they used to be.  Sometimes I don't enjoy getting more attention from strangers, like when I'm standing at the corner to cross the street and a bunch of guys on motorcycles ride by and make their yucky man noises.  Other times it's nice, like when I need someone to help me in a store, or someone holding the door for me at the gym when my hands are full of equipment and kids.  So, just like anything I suppose, you've got to take the good with the bad.  Overall, it's nicer being 'somebody' in the eyes of the weight prejudiced world.

ACQUAINTANCES:  I've been surprised how many acquaintances have (seemingly) started to avoid me.  Mostly women that I know at church, through work, etc. don't interact with me any more.  I spoke with a good friend of mine about it, trying to get ideas as to why, and she seems to think it's jealousy, or that maybe they think I don't want to talk to them?  I'm still just me and I continue to be friendly even if they aren't.  On the other hand, male acquaintances are, on the whole, friendlier.  It's a mad, mad world. 

FAMILY:  My weight loss has been a real blessing for my family life overall.  My kids are young enough that I'm not sure they even remember me heavier.  They are all thrilled at my increased energy level and how much better I feel.  DH looks at me like he did when we first got married and he's said things that lead me to believe he's proud to be seen with me.  He even calls me his 'trophy wife'.  Makes me feel so good that he likes what he sees, though he NEVER not once complained about my weight and always said I was beautiful and sexy.  The man is a saint!  

My Mom & Dad have been sort of neutral, not really saying much good or bad, though my Dad has been more supportive than my Mom.  My Mom is ill, though, and she's having a tough time.  I don't see her very often and it's probably not at the top of her mind.  As my Dad would say, she's no longer herself.  Before she got ill she was always super supportive when I lost weight, so I try not to let it bother me or hurt my feelings.  My sister....well, she doesn't even try to hide her contempt for me.  Somewhere along the line she got the idea that I was her enemy and nothing could be further from the truth, but I cannot change the way she feels.  I've tried!  I think me losing weight (she's a big girl) just gives her another excuse to not like me, and if it weren't this it would be something else.  I cannot concern myself with her insecurities as it doesn't do any good, unfortunately. 

FRIENDS:  All of my friends have been supportive, surprisingly so.  This was probably my biggest concern because I've seen lots of posts about those friendships that go to pot when the weight starts coming off.  I have one friend who started gaining weight (after always being thin) about the time I started losing, and I know it's been difficult for her to see us 'trade places' *her words, not mine*.  At least she's honest about her feelings and always says how proud she is of me, but admits she is jealous.  All of these years she was the thin one and I would sometimes feel jealous, and now the tables are turned, though she's not all that overweight she's much bigger than she's ever been.  I guess what I'm trying to say is I know how she feels.  So far I haven't felt that I had to censor myself with her and that's nice.  Other friends have been very happy for me and supportive of my new, healthy lifestyle.  I consider myself extremely fortunate that I didn't have any fallout on that front, and like to think that I've chosen my friends well.  =D

Relationships overall have been improved or stayed the same, and the negatives are probably not really worth my time to begin with.  I've always been amazed at people who can't be happy for others, and when you lose 96 pounds it definitely brings that feeling out in to the open.  I've told people flat out when they've gotten a new car or gone on a fab trip or lost weight, "I'm thrilled for you and a little bit jealous, too!"  I think it's OK to be jealous in that you would like something, too, but that doesn't mean I can't be happy for others if they have it.  Heck, at least it's going to someone I like!

I wouldn't change a thing, regardless of how others react to me or feel about my weight loss, because I'm healthy, feel good and strong, and I like the new and improved me.  I'm beginning to feel more confident in being me and find I'm not doing the negative self talk in my head nearly as much as I used to.  I have also found that I'm not nearly as concerned about other people's happiness, in that I'm not going to change the me I like to make them happy.  This is MY life, I'm living it for the good of my family, and I have a right to happiness as well!  Seems obvious, but strangely I haven't always felt that way.  I've spent way too much time trying to be what other people thought was the right thing.  No more.

I'm trying to get a hang of this maintenance thing.  I've always been good at gaining and losing, but notsomuch at maintaining.  I'm currently bouncing between 116-119, so I'm a little bit below goal.  I've cut back my exercise from 6-7 days/wk to 4-5 days/wk.  I'm actually working on learning to run...well, maybe not actual running but jogging. I started doing it on my exercise days off, so I guess they're not days off any more, but only doing about 15 minutes (so far).  I walk 100 steps and then jog 50.  I haven't been going too far, and I've only done it twice, but I'm kind of excited at the prospect of becoming a runner, because the people I know who run simply don't have a weight problem.  I know I'll always have to watch what I eat, too, but a little bit of insurance doesn't hurt.  

I bought a couple of pairs of capris the other day (size 1!) because since my tummy tuck all of my size 4s are getting too big.  I know~I'm crying a river over here but truly it is difficult to find clothes smaller than a size 4.  I find myself pushing the limits a bit, trying to find out how much I can eat and not gain.  I am keeping a close eye on the scale and logging my food on thedailyplate.com.  This is uncharted territory and I'm forging my path.  I guess we'll just see what happens!  

This morning was the day I've been waiting for for 1 year, 3 months and 5 days (not that I'm keeping track or anything).  I've finally reached my goal weight of 120!  I hadn't expected it at all when I stepped on the scale this morning, so it was a very pleasant surprise.  I've been down as low as 121, but had never hit the number before, so it's a good day. 

For all you slow losers out there, take heart.  My average loss per week was 1.38 lbs.  Even though I didn't have as much to lose as some, I still had almost 100 pounds and I had a lot of stalls and even bounced up more than a few times.  If you do the right things it will happen.  Not as quickly as we'd like, for sure, but slow and steady wins the race. 

My life has changed so much since I began this journey and almost all of it has been positive.  There have been adjustments and things I had to work on when I couldn't turn to food to fill that emotional need, but it's all good. 

I would like to encourage you to dream big.  When I picked my goal weight it wasn't what the doc said, it was what I wanted to weigh in a perfect world.  I looked at BMI, but really I picked a number that when a person asked what I weigh what I would LIKE to be able to say.  Something I would be proud of, or at least not ashamed of.  At the time I didn't know if it was realistic or not.  I hoped I would reach it, but wasn't confident it was possible.  Now I wonder if I might go even a little bit lower, maybe 115? 

I don't think I would have reached my goal weight if I wasn't an active member of this board.  The support here is awesome, and it has kept me focused on the right things to do over time.  Since I went out of country I didn't have a local group to turn to, so this site has been a God send!

Thanks to all of you for your love & support.  =D

Clearance-Clarence

Roger-Roger

Vector-Victor

I love that movie 'Airplane'.  But more than that I love the fact that I'm cleared for an extended TT on 4/28/08!  If you are added as my friend you can see the scary before pics under 'Photos'.  I have an awesome nephrologist who saw me on his day that he usually doesn't see patients, is going to write all of my scripts, will be present at my surgery & is writing kidney friendly guidelines for surgery and aftercare (like no catheter).  So thank you God for sending me such a caring doctor.  I'm down to 125 (and wear a size 4), and they're saying they're going to remove 10 pounds of skin (I'm thinking more like 5) but either way, assuming I don't gain for lack of exercise or poor eating post-PS that should put me at goal.  I'm not sure if that's cheating or not but I don't really care.  And it's spring and getting warm out.  It doesn't get much better than this.

I finally lost a pound!  It's four days short of a month since that's happened.  I'm sure it didn't have ANYTHING to do with the holidays...all the snacks...and my lack of willpower.  However, in comparison to years past I've done well.  I always thought if I didn't gain during the holidays it was a victory.  So woo-frickin'-hoo.  =D  I decided after Thanksgiving that I would give myself leeway, either on the eating or the exercising, but not both.  I decided I didn't want to fall out of the habit of exercising, and, quite frankly, knew it was unrealistic to expect myself to abstain from all treats, so I think I went a bit overboard with the eating thing and am currently trying to reign it in.  Did great yesterday, protein first, lots of water, logged on thedailyplate.com...then the kids went to bed and I ate an entire bag of microwave popcorn.  Hard to believe it will all fit in there but I am living proof that it will *sigh*.  Anyway, I'm 15 pounds from goal and am going to get as close as I can by my 1 year surgiversary which is 2/16/08.  Wish me luck!