I feel like I'm dragging myself back out of the shadows as I write this.  I don't know where to start.  I lost my appeal with the DMHC and my psych eval didn't go well.  Dr. Schnurr wants to make sure that I'm stable so she's going to have a conference with Drs. Boyden and Zablotney.  So everything is hanging in the air right now.  I've been feeling like each day that goes by, a little hope is diminished.  I haven't been reading and responding to the boards as much as I used to.  I just feel so empty.  I want to curl up in a corner somewhere.  Enough of this whine-fest.  I'm going home.

So it's 8-8-08??  This is supposed to be a veeeery lucky day.  To all the OH'ers having surgery today I wish you all the best.  Let me see....what's the latest?  Well, I went to Kaiser Richmond's orientation last week and sat through all 5 bloody hours of it.  I got incredibly vague answers when I asked why Kaiser South San Fran's wouldn't count.  Simply bizarre.  It was pretty much the same stuff.  I really  had to pick my jaw up from the floor when they told us we'd be scheduled for our next appts at the end of orientation!!  I can't believe I'm scheduled for my psych eval on 8/21!!  So much for the 20 weeks to be scheduled for an appt nonsense at SSF.  I feel like I'm jinxing myself to hope that I'll be meeting with the surgeon soon.  I just want to get the whole denials process going so bad.  My PCP put in orders for a chest xray and an EKG yesterday.  I had a mammogram this past Wednesday and I'm scheduled for a pap on 9/9. I want to take care of as much as I can while I'm waiting for the next step.

Still haven't heard anything from the DMHC.  I bet they'll rule against me.  I wish I felt more positive about it.  So many things are crumbling around me.  My finances are in the shitter BIG TIME.  Work has been stressing me out to no end and I'm terrified to hear what Social Security is going to say about me being over the cap.  How long has it been now?  I'm in biiiiig trouble and I need to get ready for the earth to roll.  It's all my fault.  I brought this all on myself and I have to get ready for the consequences.  What have I done.

The latest....I had my consult with Dr. Rabkin.  I was so intimidated because of his great reputation.  I did ask my loooong list of questions (I think I annoyed him a bit).  He said I was a great candidate for surgery.  I've got his list of pre-op labs and exams now and I'm going to get in gear towards having everything done.  I received my grievance form from the DMHC and I sent it off last Friday.  I'm supposed to hear back from them within the next 30 days.  My PCP re-referred me to Kaiser in Richmond.  I can't believe I have to do orientation all over again.  I don't understand why the one I did in South San Fran doesn't count.  Oh well.  Whatever it takes for me to get my DS.

Kaiser sent me a denial about the wl requirement.  I phoned the DMHC today to begin their grievance process.  Penny from the DS board won her fight with Kaiser!  I am sooo happy for her.  Truth be told? I'm running low on courage at the moment.  I'm afraid of staring this monster in the face.  I'm trying hard to keep my hopes lit, but I'm struggling with my doubts.  Will I get anywhere with my fight? 

Just got back from the Pac Lap seminar with Dr. Rabkin and the monthly support group.  Met some very supportive DS'ers and a few who are up the same creek with Kaiser.  It felt so good to exchange information and talk about where we are in our journeys.  I told one lady (Kathy) to check out the DS forum on OH.  Rabkin gave a good presentation comparing the different surgeries and weighing them against the outstanding results of the DS.  I felt so comfortable during the support group.  Very welcoming and lots of positive energy.  So many success stories and incredible weight loss.  It was so inspiring.  I'm really looking forward to my consult with Rabkin next Thursday.  I'm nervous about sitting down with him face-to-face, but I just can't wait to be there.  My Banana Scream packets came today from Vitalady.  I also ordered the super cal citrate, too.  I'm starting to be mindful of mapping out a vitamin & supplement budget along with my other monthly expenses.  Major Mom sent me Vitalady's recommended vitamin schedule and shopping list.  Some of the vitamins on her list are ones I've already been using, so that was nice to see.  I'm determined to get a good, solid vitamin routine going in preparation for my post-op lifestyle.  So far, things have been going smoothly...but there's definitely room for improvement.  The same looming thought keeps haunting me every day.  Will my wls dreams come true?