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Member Interests
- Animals - I have two dogs and two cats. Love them.
- Books & Literature - Love to read.
- Museums & Art Galleries - I grew up in Chicago going to the fabulous museums and the art institute.
- Writing - I love to write and would love to one day write a book about my journey.
- Singing - I am finally taking steps to follow my dreams.
- Politics - I fancy myself to be quite the flaming liberal.
- Massage Therapist - I am looking to marry one of these.
- Bird Watching - I also fancy myself to be a bit of an ornithologist.
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My name is Lizzie and I'm an addict.....
That's how I introduce myself at my 12 step meetings. You see, I'm an addict. A real one. Through and through. I believe it is in my genes. I was an addict before I was ever born. And my first and greatest drug of choice? Food.
Please join me on my journey back to life!
Skeletons... on January 2, 2007 11:42 am
Everybody has demons. Everybody has issues. Everyone has been scarred and broken and bruised emotionally if not physically. Everyone has addictive tendencies of one kind or another. People are a mess. They just are. Thing is, usually, people's private, intimate, secret skeletons are just that. Private. Intimate. Secret.
We don't have that option. We wear our addiction on our sleeve. It is hard to be 305 lbs and hide the fact that you have food issues. you can be a closet gambler, a closet drinker, a closet drugger, a closet abuser, a closet self-loather, a closet sex-addict....but it's tough to be a closet overeater. Everybody knows. Everybody sees. Everywhere you go.
And then....when we've had enough...when we can't go on living like that..we make one of the healthiest decisions we've ever made. We go to any lengths to salvage our lives. To get ourselves back. To mend our broken spirits and stop our behavior.
Problem is, we can't hide that either. It is not normal to lose 160 lbs in 14 months. It is not natural to have a scar from your sternum to your belly button. And when we go through these radical, drastic, almost unbelievable physical change, our private, personal, intimate issues seem to be more obvious than ever.
I think it is because it is socially acceptable to comment on weight loss rather than weight gain. Nobody ever said to me, "Wow! You must have gained at least 50 pounds since the last time I saw you!" I have never heard, "My, your ass is awfully fat, do you have trouble fitting in chairs?", or, "Boy oh boy, you are so big that you look like you could drop dead of a heart attack at any moment...how is your health?" Or, "You must eat a whole pizza at a time to maintain that weight...what is your diet like?" (OK, so maybe my mother has come close to some of these comments herself, but with her food issues, she can be less than human at times...)
It is socially acceptable for our dramatic weight loss to be the topic of conversation at a party or a family gathering. People feel comfortable asking us personal questions about the process, about our diet and exercise, about our health, about our clothing size.
I don't know about you, but I felt like a freak before I lost the weight. Now, on some days, I feel like a freak-show...on display for the world to gawk at.
But, you know what? F___ Them. All of 'em. I can crawl throught the window of my house when I lock myself out today. I can walk the beach for hours. I can turn heads everywhere I go. I am not a slave to food anymore. I am not obsessed with it. Controlled by it. In love with it. I am free.
And sooner or later, people will get over it. They'll shut up and go on about their daily business. They won't point or gawk or comment anymore. I'll finally be free to just be me. No more, no less. And my issues, my new ones, will be safely tucked away in my own closet...where they belong.
And I'll probably be thinking, "What is wrong with these people? Don't they realize that I have climbed mountains? Slayed dragons? Defeted demons? I wish someone would say something."
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Serious Complication on January 1, 2007 1:01 pm
I knew going into this thing that there would be a risk of serious complications. I was informed that this surgery could result in medical complications ranging from blockages to vitamin deficiencies to death. I knew that there were risks. Serious risks. I knew that everything would change. They told me that things would be different, better. I prepared myself for a "new life" and I wasn't confused about the fact that I was entering uncharted territory.
What I didn't know...
What I couldn't know...
What I never prepared for...
Was the fact that I feel as if I am walking around in someone else's body. I didn't know that one potential complication of this surgery was that it would not only change my body, mind and spirit, but that it would change the way the girl in the check-out lane acknowledged me. I didn't know that a stranger's glance and even mannerisms would be different. That men look at me in a manner strange to me, speak to me in a way I've never been spoken to. That women would place me in a new category, and treat me in a differnt way. That when children who I don't even know approached me, they would have a different look in their eyes, say things I'm not used to hearing. How I'm treated by my friends, by my family, by people who knew me then and people who are just meeting me now....that none of it would be the same.
None of it would be comfortable.
None of it would feel safe.
I didn't know what it feels like to be objectified. To be treated as a thing rather than as a human being. To be treated as a potential sex partner instead of a friend. To be looked at instead of looked around or through. I had no idea that there would be expectations. That people would expect me to say or do or act a certain way just because of what I look like on the outside.
Somehow, I thought that for the first time in my life, I could be freed from the bondage of always being aware of what I "look like". I could not have been more wrong. A serious complication of my weight loss surgery has been that one minute I was morbidly obese and the next minute I am what society deems as "attractive". And everything has changed. You see, society doesn't treat the former the same as the latter.
And what it seems that everyone is missing...the part that they just don't get...is that it's just me in here. And it always was. | Leave a comment.
A hot little new year's dress on December 26, 2006 4:13 pm
Just wanted to show off the hot little red dress I bought for new year's!!
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Loving the beach! on December 20, 2006 10:33 pm
Been spending a lot of time walking the shores of Lake Michigan (I am blessed to live just a few miles from the lake!) and fighting those winter blues. We've had a beautiful week, weather-wise.
It never ceases to AMAZE me that I can walk in the sand for miles and miles and never get winded or tired. Unreal. Before WLS, I couldn't make it to the water without feeling like I would surely have a heart attack.
I have lots of gratitude for my new life today!!!
Oh, and yes, that is my great dane and yes, she has a matching chihuahua. HAHA!!
Oh! Also....I am wearing a size EIGHT!!!! I am still in shock. A year ago, I wore a size 28+ or a XXXXL, today I wear a size 8 pants and a size L top. Sheesh.
hangin' in there. on November 19, 2006 9:43 am
I went into my surgeon's office last week to pick up some vitamins and the girls didn't even recognize me!!! It felt so good. I ended up pulling up this profile for them so that they could see my before/after pics. CRAZY!
They told me that I am very lucky to have even proportions. I feel VERY blessed.
The bad news is that they don't think my skin is bad enough to warrant my insurance to cover plastics. That's a shame cause that is a whole bunch -o- cash that I don't have laying around. Oh well. Maybe I'll save up when I'm not so broke from buying new clothes every six weeks!!!
I'm about to go in to get all of my size 10 pants altered. I bought several at the beginning of the season as I was hoping that they would last me through the cold weather. Not so lucky...they are baggy and practically falling off. I found out that it is cheaper to get them altered than to replace them. When I called the local tailor, she told me that she has worked with several WLS clients!
As for an update on my broken relationship, for all those who have been so kind and left me words of encouragement...it turned out to be a temporary break.
I have no idea if he's the one, or if I really belong alone (I probably do, for now) but I am trying to quit overanalyzing everything and trying not to be ruled by fear. I find that if I just let things be as they are and accept them as such, my days are so much easier.
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My Story
Sure, I got into the more traditional drugs a little later in life, but food is and always has been the greatest love of my life. Unfortunately, my love and I had a rather abusive relationship. I abused it. Big time. I couldn't stop.
I couldn't stop the drugs and alcohol either. That is until entering recovery in July of 2002. I have been clean and sober ever since, but abstaining from drugs and alcohol gave this food addict the proper opportunity to go from an always-a-little-heavy girl to super morbidly obese.
Nearly two years ago, I weighed 305lbs and my BMI was over 50. At 5'4", that was just enough for my body to begin officially breaking down. I was in constant pain, could hardly breathe or move, had chronic skin infections, and was well on my way to multiple other more serious co-morbidities. Not to mention that I couldn't look in the mirror anymore. The beautiful girl that I once saw lay hidden beneath layers of self loathing, guilt and shame. And I'm talking about my inner beauty. I was suffocating.
I began the process of my WLS journey in the summer of 2004. My first attempt to get the surgery covered by insurance was denied. A little over a year later, and sporting a brand new shiny hand-picked insurance plan, I was approved for gastric bypass surgery.
My surgery date was 10/7/05. Nearly two years later, I have lost 167lbs, and gained.........me. When I look in the mirror, I see me. And I love what I see. Food is no longer an addiction for me. Food has evolved from my lover, friend, comforter and destroyer to something I take in my body for nourishment.
I am clean, sober, healthy and happy today......and I'm not looking back!
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.jpg "me and my little bro
nearly 2 yrs post-op
weight 135lbs
total loss -170lbs")
