11/14/2004 I have never been good at expressing myself, even writing it down. I have always tried to deal with things on my own. But I promised myself I would try to keep this page updated with my TRUE feelings along the way...so here we go. Ok, you would think that I would be happy about everything going on, right? I mean i'm getting ready to have surgery, that means I will start to feel better. Well can I say that I honestly feel TERRIBLE right now. There is nothing that is going right for me right now. Not only am I depressed to No end, my car broke down, and if that wasn't enough while it was at the shop someone broke into it stole my cd player. I'm like, lawd what else can go wrong this close to surgery time. I wanna be happy, I really do. I'm just not feeling it right now. I know things will  get better. They really can't get any worse. I just have to stay positive that's all.

11/18/04 Today was my pre-admission testing. I was told that it would take seven hours to complete everything. I'm like okay I know that's not possible, seven hours? They were not lying. If they say it's gonna take seven hours that's exactly how long it will take. My day was long and it started out with a abdomen sonogram followed by a chest x-ray and upper GI(Lawd, can you say NASTY.)Then I had labs drawn; no big deal right? WRONG, 18 tubes filled to the very tip top. After all that I was then taken to the pulmonary unit for breathing exercises and more blood drawn. This time the blood was taken from my artery. Ok the nurse goes to get the needle. I'm thinking it's a butterfly needle like the other one, ahhhh NO it's not!!! It's this very long needle that she had to stick in my wrist. Yall this is no lie, My fat butt jumped off that table and told the nurse,"Umm thanks but no thanks". She's like, "I almost got it", and i'm like almost got it and getting it is two different things. Lawd she kept poking me and poking me, and then she finally hit the artery. I was in so much pain and I have the bruise to show it(LOL) Ok, that was over and I was so relieved. I then was able to break for lunch where I tow up some food after my little 12 hour fast from the night before. After lunch I was scheduled to attend a classroom setting where the nurse went over everything from the time you enter the operation room until you get to the recovery room. It was very informative and we even had a little dummy laying on the table to show what tubes would go where. After this long day all I can think about is sleep. Talk about TIRING!!!!

11/23/04 I had my visit with my surgeon today. She is really a Sweetheart. I have no complaints about her at all. However, I was a little concerned that she really didn't talk to me that long. The office was PACKED and I know that there was others waiting to see her, but I felt like that was my time. She showed me where my incision would be, and she advised that she would take good care of me. I have no doubts about that at all but DANG, I felt like I was a little rushed. Maybe it's just me and all the emoional things that I am going through. Who Knows!!! Well, things are a little better this week. I was able to get my car fixed and the same exact stereo put back into it without me paying one red cent. So that made me feel a whole lot better. The nerves are kicking in since the clock continues to count down to December 6th. That's less then two weeks away(kness starting to knock.) I am so ready for this journey yall!! I will keep ya posted

11/29/04 Ok, I said I would try to be regular at updating my profile. I can't stand to read someone's profile and you get all into it and then it leaves you hanging. I promise yall I will try my best to update frequently. If you see me slipping call me on it, I won't get mad(LOL) Today is one of those days where i'm sitting here like, is it really so, that less then a week I will become a 'loser'? I am in total shock right now. Time is just going so fast. When I first  started this journey I was really brave. I mean I used to be like, "I can do this I know I can" or "I can take some pain" Umm, now days i'm like "ahhh, I don't know about this". I do know really, I know that I want to be healthy and live a nice long life. I'm so nervous, excited, shocked, numb, and SCARED AS HECK, but hey i'm human and I know i'll do just fine. As the clock continues to count down...........

12/04/04 2 days before my surgery date. I never thought I would make it. Now here I am about to have surgery and i'm filled with so many emotions that I really can't describe. I'm just ready to get it over with so that I can start to feel better, and look better too. I spent most of today cleaning and packing trying to get everything in order. This journey has been such a learning experience for me. I am so thankful to have found a website like OH where there are so many other people who are going through the same things that I am. I would have never in a million years posted a picture of myself online, NEVER!! When I was introduced to this site I just felt the love and passion from others.I felt like I belonged, which is something I have not experienced in a long time. That is what has helped me to endure through this process. I want to personally thank everyone who has made my WL journey a pleasant experience. Now let me get some rest tonight because I know tomorrow I won't sleep at all; i'll be too anxious. To a healthier and happier life.......here I come!!!!!

12/5/04 The day before my BIG DAY! Wow i'm just sitting here thinking, i'm actually getting ready to do this. I'm not even nervous which is very surprising to me. I think when your weight has hindered you for some many years to do the things that you love to do, you really don't care what measures you have to go through to get it off. I am really calm and just ready for another chance at LIVING. Not just simply existing but being able to be live and be healthy in the process. I know the new year has a lot in store for me. I am ready for whatever comes my way and i'm so determined to do the best I can to work my tool. It's someone else's turn in the family to be the biggest person at the family gatherings(LOL)I'm handing it over(LOL) Let me stop being silly although i'm telling the truth(LOL)

12/17/04 Ok I know I said I would do better with keeping my profile updated, but it's truly been hectic. As you probably already know I had my surgery Dec 6th and came through with flying colors. I was so suprised how good everything turned out. I have not had any nausea at all; and the only REAL pain I feel is from my gallbladder being removed and the pain from my incision. I am so fortunate that I haven't had a lot of problems. Infact I think I had more problems at the hospital with those nurses then anything else. I had the worse experience at Kettering Memorial Hospital. Now, all I heard was how good this hospital is and how they know how to deal with wls patients and yada yada. Well i'm here to tell you that they never have to worry about me going back to that place EVER in my life. I don't know what the problem was, maybe it was just that they didn't like me. For an example I waited almost an hour to have my IV changed, now this was after I called the nurses station three times. See that right there was enough for me. So I had to lay there and listen to that stupid machine beep because someone was too lazy to come and check on me. Then my IV was put in wrong and I kept trying to tell the nurse. No one wanted to listen when I was telling them that my IV hurt and that I think someone should check it. After being there for four days, then the nurse wanna change the position of my IV when i'm getting ready to go home. I am not making this up yall, it was CRAZY! Oh I can't forget about when I went down to have a chest x-ray and there were no patients in the x-ray room. However instead of helping me they just left me there while the workers were back there laughing and talking. Then after waiting about 20 minutes I asked one of the workers were they busy, and he said, "No". I said, "Well can someone come and get me so I can get my x-ray because i'm in a lot of pain and I would like to go back to my room". So i'm waiting to get called back and in the meantime they wheel this white guy right next to me. Do yall know they called him back first. Now I have never been a person that looks at race, but it was so obvious at that point that this hospital has some major issues. Needless to say, I went in there and acted a fool. They were asking for it and I gave it to them. I'm usually a very nice and sweet person, however when you are in pain and people try to do you wrong the devil just comes out and it did. I just couldn't believe my experience at that hospital. I'm not from Dayton so I never have been in that hospital before and I will never go back. Well I need to go lay back down I will update again soon.

12/21/04 Today was my 2 week appointment with the surgeon. I am so excited right now I don't know what to do. I am down 23.5 pounds already. This is just amazing to me. I am so happy I made the decision to get my life back.

1/3/05 Ok so I said i'm gonna try to update this profile often and I think i've done pretty good so far. There's not to much going on right now. I'm having a hard time getting in all my protein and i'm gonna continue to work at it. I realized that this is what I would have to do when I made the decision to have WLS. It's just really hard to try to get all that protein in when I barely wanna eat somedays. I know there's protein shakes, but can you say NASTY. I just can't do it, it makes me gag everytime. Anyway i'll update later when I actually have some good news or more weight loss.

1/14/05 Ok yall i'm depressed!! I don't know what's wrong with me but i'm just not feeling it. Why do I feel like this surgery won't work for me? I know it's a tool and I have to work with it, and I am but I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like a failure already and i'm just over a month out. Boy Oh Boy did my doctor operate on my brain? Now I see why everyone says it's so important to have a therapist in this WLS journey. I now agree with that. It's just so hard and I can't go through this alone. Imma look into getting someone to talk to you(who I can trust) Well enough of me being depressing, i'm going to take my vitamins and go to bed. Yall have a good weekend!!!!!

1/27/05 I went for my 7 week check up and I am down 37.5 pounds. That .5 is very important, not just 37 but 37.5...How 'bout them apples LOL. I am so excited. FINALLY i'm starting to feel like this surgery will work for me. That really made my day seeing that I have been so depressed since my surgery. I am just gonna keep working this tool and know that I can make things happen. I go back to work next week, so things are starting to get back to normal. I will update again soon.

3/1/2005 Hey Yall.......Wuz going on!! It's been a LONG while since I have updated this page. There's been a lot going on with me and I just have not really been online much. I do plan to do better though, bcause reading others profiles is what got me through my waiting before WLS. So what's been going on with me? Too much that's for sure. I found out I am pregnant(about 5 weeks) and although babies are blessings, I wish I would have been blessed a little later in life(LOL). I'm handling the situation very well so that's the important thing. Hey you definitely can't take back the past so I have to deal with the it. It was kinda funny that when I found out I posted the news to a couple of boards on OH and I got very little responses. Well all I can say to the people that are judging me is, "Have I asked you to babysit"? If not why are you so judgmental about something that I have to deal with? Now let's just get this straight, I have not personally received any negative feedback or emails from anyone on here, but I didn't receive that many positive ones either. To the ones that did post something positive about my pregnancy(and you know who you are) Thank you very much for being true and genuine. Infact there's one lady I wanna give a shoutout to and that's my girl Madame aka Sharon. I LOVE this woman. Talk about support! She will call me and talk to me and just be a listening ear. ~I love you Madame~ Outside of the pregnancy I am doing pretty good. I tire out very easy now, but I make sure to eat often and take my vitamins. I gotta make sure I have a healthy 'Ta-Poo-Poo' LOL. I wish everyone the best on this WLS journey. Also congrats to those that have just been approved. I do believe this is the best thing I could have done for myself and my health. I truly believe that if you stay positive with this whole process good things will happen in due time. Until next time yall.........

4/14/05 I told myself I was gonna get better with this updating thing and I lied...sorry. I received an email from someone who asked me to update my page(that's right girl keep me in line)so here I am. There is SO MUCH going on with me that I don't even know where to begin. I am 12 weeks pregnant now and I am really having a hard time. I mean the morning sickess is everyday all day, and sometimes it gets so bad I can't even go to work. I was told that it should be getting better since I will be going into my 2nd trimester, but LAWD I just don't know how long I can deal with this. This is my first pregnancy and I know I got pregnant way too early postop, but hey there is nothing I can do about that at this point. Which brings me to something else I have been feeling lately. I noticed that sometimes its so easy to judge a person when you are on the outside looking in. I remember I was on the postop pregnancy board one day and there is one person on there that makes it her duty to advice everyone of all the failed pregnancies due to being so close to your surgery date. I for one disagree with her, for the simple fact that miscarriages happen at any point in a person's life. Now don't get me wrong I am not encouraging having WLS and then getting knocked up, not at all. In fact I feel like you should wait as your doctor has ordered so that you and baby are as healthy as possible, but to say that a person's pregnancy has termed just because they didn't wait their full year or whatever it is your surgeon recommends is wrong in my opinion. Nobody knows that for sure. Infact my baby is doing very well and kicking mama's butt in the process(LOL). As you can see, I needed to get that out because I am catching hell from folks all the way around about my recent pregnancy. I spoke a little bit about this in an  earlier post, how I felt that people shouldn't speak unless they know what their talking about. But hey that's folks for ya. I have had several doctor's appointments that I have not updated everyone on as well. About a couple of weeks ago I was experiencing some very light bleeding and I decide to call my doc immediately. Now I have heard different things about pregnancy and bleeding, however I have always had this view that if you're pregnant nothing should be coming out unless you're ready to deliver. So I called my doctor and she wanted to see me ASAP to see what was going on. I get to the doctor's office and she checks my cervix and says everything feels fine, but she wants to do an ultrasound just to be on the safe side. She said that the lady that does the ultrasounds was gone for the day and asked me if I could come back tomorrow. I said yes nervous as heck, but you better believe I was there the next day. Anyway we get back there to have the ultrasound done and once the tech turns the screen on we see this big ole head baby bouncing around everywhere. She couldn't even get the baby to stay still. So was like, "This baby looks great". So now I have all these ultrasound pics with my little walnut swimming all over the place. I was so tickled, infact that really made my day. As I said earlier though it's not easy for me right now. Everyday I am struggling to keep my job because of being so sick. I hope this passes shortly and hopefully i'll start to feel a little like myself again. I'll update later..........

I think i'm finally starting to feel a little better. I'm currently 4 months pregnant and although I still get sick and nauseated I think things are starting to shape up(A girl can dream can't she lol). Let's see i'm about 90 pounds lighter and still losing even with the baby. My weight loss has slowed down a little but my doc is not even concerned about that due to the circumstances. I am really happy and grateful for all the things that this surgery has done for me. Although I am still overweight being 90 pounds lighter really makes a BIG difference. I know that this surgery has nothing but good things to offer in the future. ~I'm so excited!!!~

Ok on to another topic. Why have I been the evilest person here lately? I mean i'm been so bad that I get on my own nerves. This has got to stop!! I told the father of my baby that I hated him and that he didn't care about me. The man didn't even do anything wrong, and you are never supposed to say that you hate anybody. I realize my hormones have been raging and thangs but I just feel like I am completely out of control. I know a part of the reason why i've been so moody is becasue i'm scared. Yep I will admit I am scared of being a mother, of having a baby, the whole nine yards. I know i'll be a good mother but when it's all new to you and you have all these feelings and emotions that you don't know where they're coming from, it gets pretty scary from time to time. The crazy part about this whole experience is that if I had to do it all over again I would. Especially after getting sick and then feeling my baby move, it makes it all worth while. I just know that once I drop this load I have to  be very careful because I want to give myself time to heal from my surgery still. This has definitely been an experience that I will never ever forget. It's making me stronger everyday let me tell you.

Within the next couple of weeks I should be able to find out what i'm having. I'm really looking forward to that. I'm praying for a healthy baby boy but if it's a healthy baby girl then we'll just be decorating the room in all pink. As long as my baby is healthy I really don't care what it is. Everyone always has their preferences though. It seems just like yesterday I found out I was expecting and time seems to be flying my to me. A lot of people say, "you're ONLY 4 months? That's it??" I'm like umm yes that's it lol. These months are going by so fast that October will be here in no time and then i'll be screaming, "DOC WHERE'S THE DRUGS?" (LOL) Oh well we'll deal with that when it comes. I just wanted to update because I said I would try to be more consistant with that. I'm on my way to bed, Mama is tired! Yall have good one. Until next time.............

Alrighty yall time for my monthly update. Have I been updating every month? I don't know but i'm trying to get better. Let's see i'm down about 91 pounds. I am very excited about that, although my weight loss has slowed down a whole lot. I know I would be well into the century club by now if it wasn't for little walnut, but that's ok.Speaking of little walnut I found out IT'S A GIRL!!!! To be honest when I first found out I was a little nervous. I guess I just feel like girls are so much harder to raise and I just hope that I do a good job. I can see myself being so overprotective of her and that's not always a good thing. I know she's not even here yet but these are things that I have been thinking about lately.

Her name will be Peryis(pronounced Paris) middle name will be Kemyjah(pronouned Key-my-ja). I thought it would be cute to name her after her daddy so that's what I did. I'm looking forward to her arrival for some many reasons. For one I wanna get back to eating like I should and exercising they way I want to. I know that I can eat right now and do low impact exercise now but i'm just so drained anymore. My feet have started to swell already and once I get home from work they look like pig knuckles LOL. Sometimes I have to laugh to keep from crying. I have so many goals that I still have to reach in order to get to MY goal weight. I know that protein is a must, but to honest it makes me so deathly ill right now. I have been shopping around to find something that I can tolerate. I crave carbs now and I know it's not good, but it's the only way to get my nourishment in. I'll get better yall it's just hard for me right now. Hopefully the next time I update I will be in the century club. What ya think?? We shall see!! Yall take care and be safe. Until next time......

8/10/2005 Well yall I made it to the century and I'M SO EXCITED!!! Where's my card OH? I'll have to get on them about that when I get a chance. Actually I think i'm down about 120 pounds now since surgery and i'm feeling ok I guess. I thought I would feel different, but I just don't for some reason(sigh). I'm currently 29 weeks pregnant and I am so ready to get this baby up out of me. Umm I have like 11 weeks left and i'm already saying I want her out of me(LOL)? Anyway I have had to hardest time here recently and my body is just tired. I was hospitalized twice(yep ya heard right...twice) for pancreatitis in July. Talk about some pain that will drop you to your kness and having you screaming to the heavenly father! I really thought I was gonna die; and then with my being pregnant on top of that made it that much worse. Anyway I was given IV fluids, liquids by mouth, and drugs when needed(Whew that Demerol is some bad stuff) for like four days to help calm the pancreas. Once that was done they gradually fed me a bland diet to see if I could keep anything down. I did pretty good and my doctor advised me that if a had another flare up that I could possibly be looking at tube feedings until the baby is born. I was like "Whoa doc that will so not be necessary". So I have to pretty much stick to a bland diet and watch what I eat until the baby comes in October. Peryis is getting so big and she pressing up on my stomach which doesn't give me much room to eat at all. Infact eating has become a big chore that sometimes I have to make myself do. I keep telling myself that if I can just make it through these last weeks I will have something in my arms that is so well worth it. My baby is so special to me, even though the situation with her father and I is not good at all. But as far as he's concerned I just try my best to keep peace for my baby's sake. She's so special to me and she is a trooper with all the stuff her Mama has been through. Is it possible to love someone so much that you haven't even met? I find myself talking to my belly like i'm talking to her in my arms and I really feel that she knows i'm talking to her. It's strange how that mother thing kicks in as soon as you conceive, and this is baby #1 for me. I can't wait until she gets here.

Then there is the mood swings!! Oh my goodness why didn't anybody warn me about the mood swings?? I tell you what I got it bad, I can barely stand myself. It's awful to be happy one minute, crying off a pepsi commercial the next minute, and cussing out your baby daddy(which I need to work on) the minute after that. I think I need to be caged and somebody needs to throw away the key. I am having the hardest time controlling my feelings and it just seems that nobody really understands. I hate being like this because it's not who I REALLY am, but some people don't understand what it means when you don't wanna be bothered. I just wanna wear a sign that says "Please do not speak, Please". Hey I said please twice(LOL). No seriously I love people I really do but a sista is going through some hard times and I just can't deal with a lot right now with what i'm going through. I know it sounds selfish but all my life I have been the person that my friends could call up and cry on. I have no problem with that at all, that's what friends are for. But when I don't wanna be bothered or i'm having a bad day no one seems to understand that. I don't know why i'm crying because we don't have anymore jelly in the fridge but just let me be!!! This pregnancy thing is bananas and the further along I get the worst off I feel. I mean I don't sleep(if i'm complaining too much then this page probably isn't worth you viewing any longer) much and my back kills me. I'm sleepy all the time(even after a 5 hour nap...LOL) and I have turned into the laziest chick I know. It's like  Peryis just took over my whole body, and she has honestly. But i'm whining being a big baby and I need to stop because that's life and I know that. It does feel good to get it out in the open though....Whew I feel better already. I'm getting sleepy again and so it's time for nap #3 for today and i'll make sure I try to keep this thing updated as much as possible. Yall be safe!!!

10/14/05 It is definitely time for an update yall. Let's see......Well I had my baby on 9/21/05 and she is doing great!! I wasn't due until 10/22/05 but she decided she wanted to see her mama a little early(bad butt)! Her name is Kemyjah(KEY-MY-JA) Tanee'(TA-NA) Maria Evans(Whew outta breath lol). I know I said that her name was gonna be Peryis but I changed my mind at the last minute. She weighed in at 5 pounds 11 ounces and she was 17.5 inches long. She is mommy's angel that's for sure!! Ok as far as my weight loss goes I am really doing well. I gained about 25 pounds during my pregnancy and I have lost all of that plus more since I had her. My starting weight was 358 and I am down to 205 right now. Not bad for a girl who got pregnant right after having WLS(I don't recommend it though.....trust me)! I have about 40 more pounds that I wanna lose and then I will be very content.

This WL journey has been just that, a journey. I have been through the highs and the lows but overall I am so pleased with the way things have played out for me. Due to me getting pregnant so early out caused me to have a narrowing in my esophagus so now I am awaiting an EGD with dilation. I have been through so much that this procedure doesn't even bother me one bit.I always say "There is nothing that can stop me and my baby but a bullet". I really believe that too. We have been through it and I was still able to have a healthy baby. What more can a girl ask for? My main concern is to be HEALTHY for me and my baby and I will do whatever it takes to make that possible. I'm so confident that things will work out for me and this surgery has helped me so much.Well basically I just wanted to come and update my page for those that read other's profile. I am so busy now with the baby and all but I will try to do better with keeping my page updated. I will report back soon and hopefully by then I will have my century card on my page(OH what's going on yall?) and I will have some more weight loss to report. We shall see!!

 2/25/2006 Ok see now I know I outta be shot!!! It's been almost five months since I have updated this page(sigh). Sorry yall that is just so unacceptable. I do however get on the board from time to time and check in with everyone. I love OH for everything it has done for me and I will always remember this site.

Ok so about me, well life is going pretty good. I'm still suffering from the severe acid reflux which sometimes can really get bad. My doctor has me on Nexium twice a day which I do believe is helping but I stll have my days where it gets pretty bad. I find that I have been very frustrated these days with all the things that are happening in my body. I mean I do realize that me getting pregnant early has a lot to do with my issues, but I just want to "feel good" all the time and lately that has not been the case. I don't feel terrible but I do have those days where I sometimes question what the heck did I do to my body. Would I go back to being 358 pounds? Umm no, but I want to feel better then I have been feeling lately. I have suffered with high blood pressure since I had my baby and i'm on meds for that. I honestly think that's what making me feel so tired. But i'm blessed and trying to remain as positive as I can. I think with time my body will level itself out(fingers crossed)

My baby!!! What can I say about Lil Miss Kemyjah Tanee' Maria? She's the love of my life and my everything. I cannot believe she is already 5 months!!! Boy how time flies. She has her own little personality and she is a trip LOL. I think I have something on my hands with this child. Can you say attitude? Well I guess she has it honest huh LOL.

I have a lot more to post but right now i'm a little tired. Me and Ya-Ya(Kemyjah) have been shopping mostly all day after attending my auntie's funeral. RIP Aunt Learl! We Love You!!!!!!!!! I'll update more a little later.