I am about 12 days post-op.  It's been pretty rough.  I had MUCH more invasive surgery than I had expected.  I have a 14 inch incision and went home with a drain.  I was thrilled to get that out.  I wasn't in horrible pain but definately uncomfortable.  There were times I thought I would die.  And the fatigue!  That was the worst issue.  This Saturday I was pretty sure I would never feel good again.  And then Sunday I started to feel human again.  Today I went to work for an hour just to pick some stuff up.  I drove for the first time.  (It uses lots of ab strength to turn the wheel I now know!)  I am exhausted but feeling SO much better.

I am not sure I am ready to say this is worth it yet.  But I am down 34 pounds since pre-op.  I guess I should be happy about that.  I will feel better about all the weight loss when I can stand up long enough to "enjoy" it.

Well, I am on day 13 of my two week diet.  How has it been?  Not bad.  But of course, not the best thing I've ever done.  It has really made me think about how much I think about food.  WOW!  

I started the diet on my birthday and then went through July 4th and my dad's birthday.  I realized pretty quickly how much we celebrate with food.  Of course, I wanted EVERYTHING that was served but I did OK eating my little protein drinks and chicken breast.  I realized that once the meal was over, I was satisfied, I just had to resist when I was hungry.  I needed to realize that I didn't sit there and regret having not eaten the carrot cake for hours.  Once I ate, I didn't care about the cake anymore.  But then the cake was still there and I would have to resist the next time it came out or when I saw it in the fridge.

I have made myself sit with my family and eat whatever little thing I was eating.  I made a point to have more conversation and enjoy the interaction. I wanted to stress that other part of eating, the talking and connecting, instead of the ingesting.

I also am VERY proud that I haven't cheated.  Well, I did have a little lean steak instead of lean chicken once but nothing else off plan.  That's pretty good for me.  I realized that I am an all or nothing type dieter.  I know I need to get over that but right now I am using it to my advantage.  After surgery I will learn moderation, but right now I am going with it!!!

I have a WONDERFUL husband who lets me talk about all this and that has helped so much.  It's like one little statement, "Boy do I want a piece of cake" is all I need to admit my demon and get over it.  WHAT A NUT JOB I AM. 

I am realizing I am stronger than this addiction.  Yeah, it ain't gonna' be easy, but I am making it.  As of now, I am not that worried about the surgery.  I have lots to do today to get ready but I think I am OK.  

And the best thing?  I am down 19 pounds!  Ain't bad for two weeks work, huh?

It is such a funny thing this waiting process.  I am not a patient person, but I am really trying this time.  I'm on month 5 of my supervised diet.  I did my sleep study and ended up having severe sleep apnea which is the co-morbidity I was hoping for. 

I was thinking the other day that this 6 month wait has really been good for me.  It is not a decision I've made out of desperation.  I don't feel lost and desperate.  I feel like I have such a good life and being healthy would make my life all that much better.  It's not like I have to be thin to be happy.  And trust me, I've had those feelings of desperation and longing to be thin in a search for happiness.  Now I feel like I am happy and if I stayed heavy, I would still be happy.  However, if I get the surgery, that would be even better.  I am not sure this makes sense, but it is such a breakthrough for me.

Now I just wait for my last 2 doctor appointments for my supervised diet, get fitted for a CPAP machine and do the psych eval.  Then I will be able to submit in late June.  I bought some summer clothes at Lane Bryant today and I almost didnt' since this will be my last heavy summer.  But I thought, you know I still deserve clothes for this summer.  I think I am in a good place. 

I have thought about this change for awhile.  At first I didn't think I would need surgery as I have always been able to loose some weight in the past.  But then I would gain it back plus!

We have been self-employed for years and insurance pay has not been an option but my husband now works for insurance so I started looking into things.  Come to find out, our insurance does cover surgery. 

I am starting my 6 month supervised diet and getting all my stuff together.  I am excited.  I don't want to be disappointed so I am going to take things as they come.  I teach school so I would LOVE to have surgery in June but what I've read with others' experiences it might not get approved by then.  Oh, well at least I am on the road!!

BUT HERE I GO!!!