ObesityHelp

I couldn't figure-out why I woke up this morning in such a depressed state until I realized the date.  Tomorrow will be my two year anniversary after having a revision to a RNY.   I knew it was coming soon but had mentally suppressed it.  I came close to my second goal once, at a weight of 255 but since then I am up and down 6 - 8 lbs.  Full of excuses, I can tell you that I never really felt like the procedure was working.  Honestly, I was hungry before I left the hospital.  Even now, I am always hungry.  Never got sick or had any major issues as a result of surgery.  I can eat anything!  No fear of dumping, nausea or vomiting.  I am very grateful for the weight I have lost but I definitely need to lose more.  I was never concerned about being thin, I just wanted to be healthy and at a comfortable weight.  Currently, I think if I lost another 60 - 70lbs, I would be well pleased.  60 - 70 lbs isn't that much considering where I was at my max weight of 375 but its still a lot.  Now what?  I have read about the 5 day pouch test and am planning to start that the day after Easter.  Last time I tried to do the plan, I didn't get through the first day.  Damn! 

Reading my previous posts, I burst into tears.  How could I let this happen?  I feel so discouraged and ashamed.  It took me all of two years to finally make the decision to have the revision done.  I don't follow-up with my surgeon nor dietitian.  I don't go to support group and no one has ever called to check-in with me either.  I feel like I have been let down.  I let myself down.  This is seriously the toughest fight I have battled for many years now.  I gave up on myself once and feel like I could easily do that again.  I don't want to disappoint my family or myself but I feel stuck in a rut.

Since December, I have been off work with a condition called vestibular neuritis which affects my balance and vision.  This makes it very difficult to exercise, walking is a challenge most days.  This is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy!  I may look okay to most but trust me this has been one hell of an ordeal. 

Well, enough boo-hooing for now.  I AM ABLE TO DO ALL THING THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME and I will continue to fight so long as there is breath in my body to do so.  I don't have all the answers but I know I will not give up the good fight.  Keep praying for me y'all.

Everyday gets a little better.  I continue to workout in the gym and do my best to follow my meal plan.  Reminding myself that I didn't get this way overnight and its going to take one day at a time to reach my goals.  Thinking back to all the bad habits I indulged in, its a wonder how I survived.  I feel so much better, not only physically but mentally and emotionally.  I was in such desperation that I gave up on myself and didn't know how to overcome my weight issues.  Now I am beginning to realize there is no magic or easy way out.  I have struggled to get to this point but I now know I am fighting the good fight.  I can't wait to lose another 50 lbs!  I pray to God to continue to give me the strength.

That's what my new trainer tells me when I am working out.  Yes, I finally joined a gym.  I am trying very hard not to get bored and stay on track.  This is a lifestyle change for me and I find myself from time to time slipping back into my old ways.  I figured if I get a trainer they would help me be accountable for my actions.  I am a little depressed in the sense that I haven't lost much but I understand that this is all new to my body and it needs time to adjust.  Patience I know. 

I plan to take a short weekend getaway very soon and I am nervous about eating out.  I have my food list and I will try very hard to stay with it.  I find that I can eat a lot more than I am suppose to and this makes it difficult for me.  I want to eat healthy foods but eat without calling attention to what I leave on the plate.  Is that weird? 

Remembering to squeeze, breathe and drink lots of water.

. 

That's exactly what I am doing, taking it one day at a time.  Each day its gets a little easier but I know I will struggle with this the rest of my life.  I think that once I have a better idea of how my body works I will better understand what I can do and not do.  Amazingly, I have lost 45lbs thus far and I feel great! I am hoping that I won't hit another plateau anytime soon.  I finally, can see the weight loss and I am loving every pound of it.  That has been my greatest motivation.  My clothes are getting very loose and I am afraid I am not going to make it through the summer before having to buy new ones.  I know.....poor me.

Some of the challenges has been mostly at work.  I feel like I am under a microscope.  Everyday, someone asks how much have I lost and people watch what I am eating.  One particular co-worker kinda got upset with me because she thought I was eating too much.  I had only brought my lunch with me and because I work 12 hr. shifts I should have brought my dinner too.  However, this day I went to the cafeteria and got a plain grilled chicken breast and some green peas.  This co-worker saw the plate of food and told me that she was only eating those small medicine cups sized portions when she was where I am now.  When I explained to her that I didn't plan on eating everything on my plate that didn't seem to satisfy her.  I laughed it off and told her that I appreciated her concerns but not to worry.  Later that week, I find out that she had went to a close friend of mine and told her!  The more I thought about it, the more angry I became.  I don't need a watch dog!  I knew she meant well but I think she took it a too far. 

I had some issues with circulation in my legs causing some numbness and pain but that has seem to resolve its self.  My doctor tells me this will get better as I lose weight.  Lord, I hope so.  I just want to be healthy and not have to be on medications. 

I reached my first mile stone and passed the 300 lb. mark!  I am so excited to reach my next goal of 250 lbs.  I am hoping I will get there by my birthday.  Then the real journey for me will begin.  That's about the weight I was when I lost a 110 lbs from the gastric stapling I had in 1996.  I didn't know that my staple line had disrupted causing me to stop losing and ultimately I gained a great deal of the weight back.  With Gods help, I hope to see 199 on the scales and continue towards my goal of 150.