- Name: trappedagain A.
- Username: AKRN
- Location: Chrisney, IN, USA
- Member Since: 9/1/2006
- BMI: 57.0
- Learning about surgery
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me vs them on June 10, 2009 12:03 am
Well here to catch you all up on what is the latest going on here. The part time job I was getting ready to start has now become my full time job. After being a nurse for 3 years, I am a REAL nurse. I pass out pills, give shots, lots of stress, etc... There are days when I haven't got a clue as to what I am doing but I am learning more and more each day. The bad part is at over 300 lbs being on my feet 8+ hours is killing me.I am the only one working in the assisted living unit from 11pm to 5 am so I am the nurse and the aide. Its me vs them all night. I go home and have problems sleeping because I hurt too bad. I will be finding out more about their insurance after July 1. That is when I will be able to get on it. I am hoping it covers WLS even if I will have to wait a while before I have time I can take off to have it. I am trying not to get my hopes up.
The new job means I have less time on the computer. So I don't get around to OH as much. I miss lurking on the R&R board. I am working every weekend now until they hire someone to new. I also work PRN for my old job and will be training my replacement next week. OH BOY ! After that I will work when ever they need me and I am off from other job.Between the 2 jobs I have now worked 7 nights straight. I am tired and grumpy. At least I am off tomorrow.
We have talked to Sarah's Dr about her recent major weight gain. and He doesn't seam to want to handle it. He is sure the reason is her medication, but with her moods being in a delicate balance he doesn't want to change anything. I am hoping she gets more physical this summer and maybe that will help her. Her recital is this weekend. I love her ballet outfit, she loves the hip-hop. Will try to put pictures on here when I have them taken.
Andy just got back from spending 2 weeks in Ma with his girlfriend. She paid for the ticket for him to fly to see her. He arrived back home safe and sound covered with hickeys. He promised that he kept it in his pants. I told him I didn't want any grand kids yet. Not until he is done with school.
Ben is on medication for ADD and depression. He is trying counseling to help him deal with the stresses in his life. I think it is a very good ideal. I see a counselor every other week. Hasn't helped much but maybe some day it will. Well so much for my boring life I must get some work done.
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And the fun just keeps on rollin NOT on March 1, 2009 8:52 pm
Well where do I start. The Holidays this year was hard. I missed Mom so much it was not the same. Around Thanksgiving Chucks Mom called to tell us that she was feeling worse and from what I got out of talking to her she had given up. A few weeks before Christmas Chucks sister calls to say she don't think Dorothy will make it to the New Year. We go and spend time with her before Christmas and then we head to see My Dad and family for Christmas. So the family is staying with Dorothy 24/7 by then and I come home from my family to turn around and take my turn on Dec. 26. When I get there it is hard to believe how far down hill she has gone in 3 days. Chucks sister comes to take her brother home and she realizes that the end is almost here. So she takes him home and then comes back. Hospice is suppose to be handling things but they are not doing a very good job. For hours we watch her suffer until the right amount of the right kind of medication finally helps. On Saturday the 27 she is in a coma. Family members come to say good bye. Its a long emotional day. Her pastor come in during the late afternoon to see her. He prays with her and us and then feels the need to sing Amazing Grace. Shortly after he leaves while a "know it all" lady who lives in the apartment complex is standing there telling us that she will not die anytime soon because her feet are still pink. She passes. During this time a strange thin happened. I was watching the fish tank she kept. all the fishes hid not a fish was out swimming. They all where still in the corners of the tank like they knew what was going on. So we call hospice they come by and start things rolling call the funeral home etc.... But they don't clean her up or stick around to help the funeral home guy. They just leave. He goes to move her from the bed to his stretcher and Chuck and I stick around. Good thing. He cant lift her by himself so I have to help him move her. He said usually hospice sticks around to help. Now the kids have lost both Grandmas in the same year.
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Fast forward to Feb. Sarah gets sick with some type of stomach bug. on the 1st. By the 2nd Chuck has it too. They both are getting well when the boys get it on the 4th. I manage to keep well until the 5th. Every one gets well except for me. I keep having pain in my right side. But I am stubborn and just decide to ignore it. Finally the pain is getting where I can't sleep. So I decide to call the Dr. on the 10th. The Dr says it is most likely just the bug still but he wants a CT scan just to make sure. So I leave the Dr and drive 45 minutes to the hospital for a CT scan. I don't call home because hubby is sleeping and I will be home before he wakes up. So I have the scan and am sitting waiting for the lady to call me to the window and send me home so I wait and wait. Finally she calls me up and says that I am being directly admitted and have appendicitis and will be having surgery soon. I keep saying I need to call my hubby he don't even know I am at the hospital. The next hour is a three ring circus. 20 people are asking me questions they are trying to do blood work and IV. I have to talk to surgeon and the anesthesiologist . My hubby still hasn't shown up and I am wheeled down to the OR. So I spend almost 2 days in hospital and am off work for a week. (real long story about why I had to go back to work so/too soon)
On a small brighter note I am getting ready to start a second job at the nursing home I worked as an CNA at during nursing school. I hope that helps with our ever growing money shortage. But before I can do too much there I am having a thermal ablation to help with female problems that are causing me to be anemic. Yeah more surgery. So that should almost catch us up to date still way too fat, still way too broke and still depressed. Oh well might as well get used to it.
long time no blog on August 18, 2008 9:38 pm
In about a week it will be 2 years since I joined OH. I remember being all excited about WLS and how I was finally going to get healthy and live my life. Well 2 yrs latter and the dream has died. I am still fat, still can't find a different job and I am still invisible.
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A breif recap of the last Ben did graduate from high school and I did try to find a job closer to my family, but noone would hire me.
At Christmas time 2007 we went to visit my family and Mom was sick. She was confused sleeping talking out of her head and was very ill. After a long fight we finally convinced her to go to the hospital. She was severly anemic and required lots of blood. They ran test and found out she had cancer of her bowel. On January 4 (Sarah's birthday) the operated and removed it. They pronounced her cancer free and said they would most likly do some sort of chemo just to be on the safe side. She left the hospital determined to head back to work as soon as possable. Then things started going down hill. They thought she was having mini strokes she would start falling and become confused. They would put her in the hospital thing would get better for a while then star all over again. They had no clue as to what was going on. They even at one time flew her to Indianapolis. Finally on March 17 they ended up putting her in the hospital again. On March 28 I got a call saying they where moving Mom to the ICU because her B/P had droped. I of course drove up there. Mom had been complaining of stomach pains nausea and vomiting for a lon time but all the CT scans and all showed nothing. On the morning od the 29th they finally showed a large amount of fluid in her stomach. Her kidneys where shutting down and she needed surgery NOW. They found she was leeking from where she had the surgery in January. In fact she had been leeking all along. All the time they had her in the hospital she was slowly being posioned by C Diff. She came thru the surgery and got off dialysis and the respirator only to have to be put back on. This went on for weeks on respirator and off. Finally we relised that she wasn't going to get better. On April 24th my brothers and I signed the papers to provide comfort measures only (Dad at that time was one floor down with pnenumonia) then the wait began. They transfered her out of the ICU and into a room. I went home for a few days to get my family and to work a little. I went back on April 28 and together with my brothers we stayed around the clock. At 6:15am on May 3 I watched my Mom breath her last breath. She was 66. I called my brothers and they told Dad. I miss her so much. I need her so much. I am lost without her. She was my only friend and now I have noone to talk to noone that cares. All her life my Mom struggled with her weight and in March My brother was able to carry her to the car to take her to the hospital. She was finally thin.
During all that we found out that my daughter was Bi polar, My Hubby had surgery for a carconoid tumur and was off work from March 6 to June 10. everything that could go wrong has. car problems, eviction, My Hubby company he worked for contract didn't get renewed and a new company took over he lost 10 years of senority, his vacation time, his sick leave, and his insurance. New company is the pits but he has a job which is more than I can say for our 2 sons. They have no desire to get a job they have no desire to do anything but watch TV and play vedio games. I can't even get them to mow the grass, do laundry, feed THEIR dogs, wash dishes or cook. At the ages of 23 and 20 I thingk they should at least do that since I am paying all their bills.
I hate my life I hate that I am a failure at everything I do. I have done nothing right. If there is a desension to make I make the wrong one. I am broke, fat, insvisable, and majorly depressed.
Invisable and Job rantings on January 22, 2007 5:40 pm
How can a 300 pound woman be invisable. I would think at this size everyone could see me. But that is not the case. I have "friends" who don't see or hear me. I went to the gathering last Saturday and was alone. I sat by myself and noone even new I was there. I had at least 2"friends" there. If I don't make the first move then they can't be bothered with me. I really and truely have no good friends. I have noone to call and talk to no one to visit with. I have my "church friends" I see them on Sunday but we are not close. I have my "needy friend" who only calls me when she is out of money and needs me to take her shopping. She know I am a sucker for sob stories and will take her and buy what she needs again. I am so lonely. I have even tried making friends on here but that doesn't seam to be working. I long for someone to see me.
Now on to an even more depressing subject. My job hunt. I decided to try a local Hospital one that is only about 30 minutes from my house. I called the number on the web site and talked to the lady who hires for the position I wanted. I explained how I wanted part time to work around the job I have now and how I have no experence. She said no problem they would be glad to train me and I could cross train to work ER and ICU. She asked if I was able to come in for an interview and we set one up for Jan 11. I show up fill out my appy and she comes down the hall. She says Carol? and I say no i'm Dawn. I see her name tag and know she is looking for me and I say you have an appointment with me. It takes her a while to belive that I am who she is wanting to interview. So at the interview she changes her story., She rarely every hires new nurses for ERor ICU. She might be able to train me and work around my schedule etc... I left with the thought don't call us we'll call you NOT. I hear from her about a week later and the letter states that they are closing down the OB department and they have to find positions for those nurses first. But will keep me in mind if they find they need me. Well on Jan 18 at midnight they closed down the WHOLE Hospital. So no chance of getting a job there and the nurses from there who have experence are now out there in my local job market. This will make it even harder to get a new job. So now what do I do.
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What do I love the most? on January 8, 2007 2:51 am
What a difference a week can make I have done nothing I was planning to do . Not any excersize not reading my Bible and not spending enough time in prayer. I want so much to do all of this but when the time comes I don't. I was thinking tonight about the fact that I love food. I love food more than myself (I hate myself most of the time), I even love it more than my wonderful family. If I didn't I wouldn't weigh so much. I would be able to control how much I eat and how often. I would do this for them so I can live longer and be a better example for my kids. But food wins out and I don't know what to do about it. I eat and then I am looking for something to eat again. I even if the insurance would pay would find a way to eat around my tool. I do not like the person I am and wish
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I am a 42 yr old who has been overweight since the age of 6. I have 3 children. I am married. i enjoy reading, video games, and puzzles. I know I need to lose weight but am afraid to have the surgery. I would aprecate any suport. thank you. Sept 3 2006 I am at work and it is a Holiday weekend and of course Chuck is off. We never get to be off at the same time anymore. I am so depressed. There are many reasons first is I feel so useless. I went to Nursing school so I could help people but at my job now I am not helping anyone I give physical and drug testing and am here in case of an emergency. I want so much to work at a hospital in a neo-natal unit, but I am afraid that a hospital won't hire me because of my weight. Second I know I have to lose this weight I am tired of life passing me by I just don't know how to do it. Third I am tired of nobody but me taking care of things at home. Bills don't get paid unless I pay them, food don't get bought unless I buy it, house work don't get done unless I do it. I am TIRED. I still dont feel good from last weeks fall. Even if I got the stiches out and the brusies are going away. I have been reading oother peoples weight loss journeys and crying, Knowing how they feel pre -op but then not knowing how it feel to be a "normal" person. There are time when I truly hate myself. The depression and bordom just causes me to eat more. D Desperate A Astounding W Weird N Naughty Describes me to a T OK I have been very bad about updating my profile. First I want to thank Holygirl for my beautiful new profile. Where to start I finally decided that I wanted to have WLS and I called my insurance and got the dreaded news that they won't cover it. Now Im in weight loss limbo. So now I am tring to figure out what lifesyle changes to make to lose weight. Do I try the South Beach or the Weigh Down?I really don't know. I have been too bummed to think. Sorry a long one! Ok here it is OCT 1 and I haven't been journeling like I need to. I made a decision that I am going to try to lose weight on my own. after all I got fat on my own I should be able to get skinny that way too. Have been limiting my calories and food for the last 2 days only drinking diet drinks like sf drink mixes and an occasional diet coke. Yesterday was district band contest and I pushed the gong Ben plays to the firld and onto the field then back to the truck. Boy was I tired. Too little sleep and too many grumpy people (hubby). I have had less than 1000 calories today. I think if I add them up correctly I have had about 850. I have no ideal if this is too much or not enough but I have decided to limit myself to 1200 or less. On a different subject we are broke again. I have to decide what to pay the rent or the car payment. I hate not having any money. and the worst part of it is now that I am a nurse people think that I make big bucks. I do make better money than I did as a CNA but the problem is they are garnishing Chucks wages for past medical bills and other things so he only brings home 113 dollars a week. So I am the one mainly contributing to the day to day bills. We are suppost to go to court again this week so they can start taking even more out. Don't they understand we have to have some money to live. We have rent to pay, a car payment, school loans, food to buy, phone, electricity,water, and comming soon gas to heat. We are not living fancy we live in a small 2 bedroom house Sarah bedroom is the dinning room and Andy and Ben share a small room. We don't have cable or satalite TV the only thing I do splurg for is internet (dail up). I have to get a second job. The problems with finding a second job. Ben graduates in May. After he does then I have no reason not to move north closer to my parents. This has been my dream and goal since I moved south 20yrs ago. If I move north I will be closer to Indy and might be able to get me a job as a Neo-natal nurse(my dream job). I might even make enough money to support my family without hubby working(he is having health problems and I am not sure how much longer he will be able to work). So do I find a job around here and forget about the move for now(in school they say you shouldn't quit a job until after a year because of the time and training put into you). Do I look for a part time job up north and stay with my parents on the days I work until I can move that way with family. There are no NICU jobs in this area as only 1 hospital has a NICU and those nurses have been there forever(some where there when Ben was there 18yr ago.) So don't hire often. NOw for the big question can I work as a nurse. I know I am a nurse I just don't feel like one I don't really do anything "Nursey" I don't give meds, I don't do IVs, I don't give injections, and I really haven't taken care of a pt since nursing school. I need the second job to prove to myself that I am a nurse and I can do what I was trained for. I know so little and want to know so much. I still feel like a nurse want a be. I want to make a difference! Well it is Sunday Oct 2, 2006 I decided to bunch up my journel so I can have the little sing post guy in between more. I don't know if I run out of those and if I do then what but it will be a long time before that happens. It being Sunday I stayed up after I got home from work to go to my Bible study and then sundayschool and church. I was standing and talking to one of my friends from group when I look up and who is walking in the door but my parents, SURPRISE! They had come down yesterday to watch Ben at the band contest and spent the night in Jasper I figured that they would wake up and leave for home. Instead they drove back down to Chrisnay to go to church with us and then to head to local orchard to but apples. It was a nice surprise. After church I went home and went to bed instead of going out to eat with my family. That way I wouldn't be tempted to overeat. Did have hubby bring me back a salad from Arbys. Tonight I had the salad, some cheese and some ff turkey. I am under 1000 calories again today. I hope I am able to keep this up and soon start to notice the change. I am still up in the air on the second job question and am afraid to apply anywhere. I didn't apply for the job I have now it just came to me. While I was finishing school I was afraid to look for a new job for fear of rejection, and not making the right choice. It comes from years of just settleing for what I have and not trying to move on. I guess that is why I worked all those years for Wendys a job I really hated. I need something or someone to tell me You can do this. But everythime I think about doing something new I hear noone wants you, your too fat, you don't even know what you are doing coming from the voices in my head and I freeze. I know I have many issues and that WLS or losing weight won't solve my mental health problems. I just pray that something changes and it changes for the better. Late Monday Oct2 or early Tuesday Oct 3 well I am almost off work so I decided to journel before I leave. I will be off for the next 7 day!!! Yeah!! Today I don't think I will do too much but I might go job hunting on Wed. Today I found out that some people really do read these things besides me. I was in chat and someone ask me a question about my plans and also commited on my wanting to move. I hope I don't bore the readers too much. I was wanting to go and say "move that bus" today but didn't wake up in time.oh well. I didn't do as well today with my diet I had a hard time counting calories for food made at home. so I am sure I am over for the day. I hurt all over this morning from filing papers at work. I have to climb up on a stool to reach the top drawers(too high for me I am afraid of heights) and then bend all the way over for bottom drawers. That is why I only file once a week so I can do them all at once. My friend called me and wants advise about her exhubby who has had a stroke. I have no answers for her and really feel bad that I don't but a stroke effects everyone differently and some people return to normal and some never do. I promised her I would come see her this week while I am off. Maybe I will clean house and cook this week. I want to make those eyeball I saw on the message board. I would love to make the kitty litter cake too but have no oven to bake the cakes. I hope to be able to keep up my journel this week at home I have a hard time getting my turn on the computer. Might have to fight someone for it. well got to go get things ready for the next shift. OK it is now Thur the 5th I havent up dated my journel for a few days. Theres is some good news and some bad news. First the good news since it is small. I actually filled out an application and handed it in. It is at a hospital I really don't want to work at, but that is the reason I tried there is because if I con't get hired there it won't hurt as bad. I ran into one of my emmaus table sisters there and we hugged. I haven't been able to attend gatherings so I miss seeing my sisters. At least I am faithful to my small group. Now the bad news I have compleatly and totaly blown off my diet. I couldn't even follow it for a week. How would I follow a lifetime of this. I guess i will be fat for the rest of my life. I am so bummed I read how so many people are losing and I wish it was me. It seams that weight lose is my new addiction. I dream about it and think about it a lot. I just want to be healthy and to have my family be proud of me is this too much to ask for.