In about a week it will be 2 years since I joined OH. I remember being all excited about WLS and how I was finally going to get healthy and live my life. Well 2 yrs latter and the dream has died. I am still fat, still can't find a different job and I am still invisible.
       A breif recap of the last Ben did graduate from high school and I did try to find a job closer to my family, but noone would hire me.
       At Christmas time 2007  we went to visit my family and Mom was sick. She was confused sleeping talking out of her head and was very ill. After a long fight we finally convinced her to go to the hospital. She was severly anemic and required lots of blood. They ran test and found out she had cancer of her bowel. On January 4 (Sarah's birthday) the operated and removed it. They pronounced her cancer free and said they would most likly do some sort of chemo just to be on the safe side. She left the hospital determined to head back to work as soon as possable. Then things started going down hill.  They thought she was having mini strokes she would start falling and become confused. They would put her in the hospital thing would get better for a while then star all over again. They had no clue as to what was going on. They even at one time flew her to Indianapolis. Finally on March 17 they ended up putting her in the hospital again. On March 28 I got a call saying they where moving Mom to the ICU because her B/P had droped. I of course drove up there. Mom had been complaining of stomach pains nausea and vomiting for a lon time but all the CT scans and all showed nothing. On the morning od the 29th they finally showed a large amount of fluid in her stomach. Her kidneys where shutting down and she needed surgery NOW. They found she was leeking from where she had the surgery in January. In fact she had been leeking all along. All the time they had her in the hospital she was slowly being posioned by C Diff. She came thru the surgery and got off dialysis and the respirator only to have to be put back on. This went on for weeks on respirator and off. Finally we relised that she wasn't going to get better. On April 24th my brothers and I signed the papers to provide comfort measures only (Dad at that time was one floor down with pnenumonia) then the wait began. They transfered her out of the ICU and into a room. I went home for a few days to get my family and to work a little. I went back on April 28 and together with my brothers we stayed around the clock. At 6:15am on May 3 I watched my Mom breath her last breath. She was 66. I called my brothers and they told Dad. I miss her so much. I need her so much. I am lost without her. She was my only friend and now I have noone to talk to noone that cares. All her life my Mom struggled with her weight and in March My brother was able to carry her to the car to take her to the hospital. She was finally thin.
            During all that we found out that my daughter was Bi polar, My Hubby had surgery for a carconoid tumur and was off work from March 6 to June 10. everything that could go wrong has. car problems, eviction, My Hubby company he worked for contract didn't get renewed and a new company took over he lost 10 years of senority, his vacation time, his sick leave, and his insurance. New company is the pits but he has a job which is more than I can say for our 2 sons. They have no desire to get a job they have no desire to do anything but watch TV and play vedio games. I can't even get them to mow the grass, do laundry, feed THEIR dogs, wash dishes or cook. At the ages of 23 and 20 I thingk they should at least do that since I am paying all their bills.
           I hate my life I hate that I am a failure at everything I do. I have done nothing right. If there is a desension to make I make the wrong one. I am broke, fat, insvisable, and majorly depressed.

How can a 300 pound woman be invisable. I would think at this size everyone could see me. But that is not the case. I have "friends" who don't see or hear me. I went to the gathering last Saturday and was alone. I sat by myself and noone even new I was there. I had at least 2"friends" there. If I don't make the first move then they can't be bothered with me. I really and truely have no good friends. I have noone to call and talk to no one to visit with. I have my "church friends" I see them on Sunday but we are not close.  I have my "needy friend" who only calls me when she is out of money and needs me to take her shopping. She know I am a sucker for sob stories and will take her and buy what she needs again. I am so lonely. I have even tried making friends on here but that doesn't seam to be working. I long for someone to see me. 
     Now on to an even more depressing subject. My job hunt. I decided to try a local Hospital one that is only about 30 minutes from my house. I called the number on the web site and talked to the lady who hires for the position I wanted. I explained how I wanted part time to work around the job I have now and how I have no experence. She said no problem they would be glad to train me and I could cross train to work ER and ICU. She asked if I was able to come in for an interview and we set one up for Jan 11. I show up fill out my appy and she comes down the hall. She says Carol? and I say no i'm Dawn. I see her name tag and know she is looking for me and I say you have an appointment with me. It takes her a while to belive that I am who she is wanting to interview. So at the interview she changes her story., She rarely every hires new nurses for ERor ICU.  She might be able to train me and work around my schedule etc... I left with the thought don't call us we'll call you NOT. I hear from her about a week later and the letter states that they are closing down the OB department and they have to find positions for those nurses first. But will keep me in mind if they find they need me. Well on Jan 18 at midnight they closed down the WHOLE Hospital. So no chance of getting a job there and the nurses from there who have experence are now out there in my local job market. This will make it even harder to get a new job. So now what do I do.

What a difference a week can make I have done nothing I was planning to do . Not any excersize not reading my Bible and not spending enough time in prayer. I want so much to do all of this but when the time comes I don't. I was thinking tonight about the fact that I love food. I love food more than myself (I hate myself most of the time), I even love it more than my wonderful family. If I didn't I wouldn't weigh so much. I would be able to control how much I eat and how often. I would do this for them so I can live longer and be a better example for my kids. But food wins out and I don't know what to do about it. I eat and then I am looking for something to eat again. I even if the insurance would pay would find a way to eat around my tool. I do not like the person I am and wish

Well 2006 is over and 2007 has begun. The Christmas worries worked themselves out and the move is over. Now I have to start putting things away at the new house. I now have some new choices to make. The main one I have decided. This is hard to write but I have decided NOT to have WLS.  After a lot of prayful consideration I have decided it is not what the Lord wants me to do at this time. I started off thinking that this was the way I needed to go, I researched and made my descision, then have run into nothing but closed doors. I do not know why God does not want me to have this surgery at this time but have decided to rely on him to make the right choices for my life. After all he made me, and he knows what is best for me. I don't know how much longer I will stay on this site. It is so pro WLS that I might have to leave. 
     The next descision I have made is to find a different job. While I love my fellow employees I really hate my job. All I do is complain about it. I havent decided where to look for my new job. I know in less than 6 months Ben will graduate and I will no longer have to stay in southern IN. I really want to work in the Indianapolis area. I have thought about getting a weekend option job. I would stay with my mom and come home during the week. Or I might stay here in this area and find a job at a hospital near by.
   I have also decided to start improving my life by making some new daily habits The first is reading my Bible I haven't been doing this as I ahould. The second is praying more I need to talk to and listen to God so I know what he wants from me. Third I am going to start excersing a little each day I have heard it will make me feel better. so HAPPY NEW YEAR.

First off the physical thearpy thingy was not fun and I get to do it every week. Yeah. My mom who I love is driving me nuts about this move. She keeps calling to find out if we have got things moved yet. I know it is for the best but I can only do so much. I have no energy and all I want to do is sleep. I am on a work week and that makes it bad. 
    My newest problem is what to do about Christmas. I know I have to work from 6p-6a Christmas eve and Christmas day. Andy has to work Christmas eve from 10a-10p and Christmas day from 6a-2p. My hubby don't know when he is working. So when does santa come? My 10 year old still belives a little so he has got to come. Noone wants to miss it so what do I do. This year all the traditions are not going to happen. There will be no Christmas eve at my moms and no Christmas brunch at my brothers for us. I am so depressed. Just want to cancel the whole thing.