ObesityHelp

All right now I don't know how this happened but I lost 2.6 lbs this week.  I ate like a pig, like I was never banded, like food was going out of style.  How on earth did I lose weight?  Maybe there is something wrong with my scale.  Oh well, this is one loss I will take.

I do so good for breakfast, I even do really good at work but that time from when I get home to when I go to bed oh my gosh.  You would think that the world was coming to an end and I had to eat everything I could get my hands on.  It’s very sad.  I think it’s a combo of boredom eating and emotional eating.  Now my therapist wants me to start spending that time journaling but I get so caught up in the moment eating that I forget about the journaling.  Sometimes I swear I’m eating and not even realizing what I’m doing.

Not a whole heck of a lot else to report.  Everything seems to be status quo right now.  No crazy drama to report of.  Just moving forward.  I do go for a follow up visit with Dr. Curry on Wednesday – I think I’m going to get another fill I’m just not there quite yet.

It was the best of weeks and it was the worst of weeks . . .

Well I lost 3.4lbs this week which is great I’ve almost taken off all of what I gained last week.  1lb to go to get back down to my lowest so far 252.2.  So that’s my good news this week.

My bad news this week . . . I’m really struggling with how to deal with emotions.  About mid day on Wednesday I just started to feel this rage inside of me.  I’m angry, mad, sad, hostile, irritable, just ready to lash out at anything near me.  Since I can’t really eat through my feelings any longer because now certain foods do seem to cause me pain when I eat too much. I guess now the feelings are surfacing and I have no idea how to handle them.  I feel like a pressure cooker I need to find a way to deal with them before I do something stupid or blow my top. 

I sat down with my husband to try to talk things through maybe find out some of the reasons why I’m feeling this way.  Here’s what we came up with: (1) they want to raise our rent by $300 which is making me feeling pressure to find a house sooner than we wanted to because with the added $300 we would be paying more than a mortgage would be. Our lease is up for renewal at the end of November but if we plan to leave we have to give 30 days notice so we have to know something by the end of October.  I know there is no way we will find a house in that small amount of time so we will have to pay that high rent for a short period of time and that will dent into our house fund.  (2) At work there was one open permanent position and two temps applying for the position.  I was the temp that didn’t get hired but I was told to hang in there that there might be another position down the road.  I think I’m taking it a little too personal that they didn’t pick me.  (3) The stress and worry about my father-in-laws health (see below blogs) (4) I have this feeling of being let down by the people close to me (5) There’s a couple people I have been close to in the past that I have the feeling that they might be mad at me for some reason (they talk to me less and when we are near each other their body language says to me that there is something amiss).

Now I know that everything happens for a reason, I can’t control what other people think and I can’t make everybody happy, there are just some things in the universe I have no control over and I think the fact they I feel out of control in my own world that I’m trying to control the things around me which I have no control over “Trying to control the uncontrollable is exhausting and frustrating” a quote a try to remind myself off in times like this. 

I just feel like I have such a struggle going on.  I know that it’s not good to have this much rage inside of me.  This is not healthy for me on both a mental and physical level.  Since the rage started my right knee has started to hurt and I’ve been having pain just above my pubic bone on the left side.  Then add in the pulled muscle in my shoulder & my repaired tendons and I’m just a walking mess but hey at least I’m walking right.

Ok I need to leave this on a good note things I’m happy for: I didn’t gain weight this week, I can walk, I can talk, I can see, I can hear, I have a job, I have a supportive husband, I have a roof over my head, I have clothes on my back, I have my own car that is paid for, I am a work in progress.

Quote: “The birds of worry and care fly about your head, this you cannot change, but that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent” 

It was a bad week for me.  On Sunday I found out that my father-in-law had a mild heart attack.  And then he went back to the hospital yesterday they are putting in a pace maker.  Now I don’t know if its possible to sense that something is wrong with someone before you are told but I had shoulder pain really bad on Saturday and then Sunday morning we found out.  Then again yesterday the shoulder pain started up again I called the house and the cell phone with no answer.  A little later found out that he went back to the hospital.  I just felt like something was wrong.  So is it coincidence that I had the pain or am I some how connected who knows.  I am going to the doctor today to make sure that the shoulder pain isn’t anything serious.

 So with all that stress guess what I did  ~eat~eat~eat~  its no wonder I gained 4.4 lbs this week.  Oh boy – I really need to find another way to deal with stress.  4.4 lbs is like a whole month worth of weight loss.  Its no wonder its easier to put the weight on than take it off.

 Now in addition to stress eating – I’ve noticed that when something tastes good I keep eating even when I get the full signal.  I keep saying just one more bit then I’ll stop and I keep pushing it basically until I hurt then I stop.  At this point I’m very afraid that I’m going to stretch my pouch and that would be very bad.  I need to find that control again.  I just can’t believe how hard this is.   I did so good and then once I crossed that 50lbs gone mark its like my mind just turned on a switch and said its ok to start slipping and now slipping is becoming the norm.  I need brain work bad.  Plus I still find food entertaining when I get bored I eat.  I love the textures and sensations I get from eating certain foods.  I try to find other things to do but I still end up turning to food.  Its all I think about while I’m working on what every activity I’m doing to try to distract me from food.  Hi my name is Amanda and I’m a food addict. {no doubt}. 

 I’m trying not to be too hard on myself over all of this.  I just feel lost and can’t find my way back on the band wagon.  I just can’t seem to get my mind back on track the way it was in the beginning of this journey.  Something I really have to work on because I just don’t want to put all the weight back on ~nor~ do damage to my stomach/pouch/band. 

I think a day of liquids did me some good.  I lost 2.4lbs this week!!

Since I already posted this week because of my fill.  I don't have a whole lot more to report.  I do need to find a way to motivate myself to exercise - maybe some type of reward system.  I'll have to think about this.

Here's to next week being a good week.

Got to see Dr. Curry today and he did my fill so everything went very smooth and basicly perfect as fills go.  We added another 0.2 cc so I am now at 2.9cc.

I really need to focus on getting my eating back on track ~ lower carbs ~ high protein and I need to take care of the exercise piece of things.  I need to find that motivation that got me going in the beginning and light the fire again.

I really hate the scale at Dr. C's office my home scale this morning said 254 his scale 257  WTH.  I'm going by my home scale ~ That's my story and I'm stickin to it.

I know I only have a couple days till my Friday check in but may the Gods be on my side and not give me too much temptation