It was the best of weeks and it was the worst of weeks . . .
Well I lost 3.4lbs this week which is great I’ve almost taken off all of what I gained last week. 1lb to go to get back down to my lowest so far 252.2. So that’s my good news this week.
My bad news this week . . . I’m really struggling with how to deal with emotions. About mid day on Wednesday I just started to feel this rage inside of me. I’m angry, mad, sad, hostile, irritable, just ready to lash out at anything near me. Since I can’t really eat through my feelings any longer because now certain foods do seem to cause me pain when I eat too much. I guess now the feelings are surfacing and I have no idea how to handle them. I feel like a pressure cooker I need to find a way to deal with them before I do something stupid or blow my top.
I sat down with my husband to try to talk things through maybe find out some of the reasons why I’m feeling this way. Here’s what we came up with: (1) they want to raise our rent by $300 which is making me feeling pressure to find a house sooner than we wanted to because with the added $300 we would be paying more than a mortgage would be. Our lease is up for renewal at the end of November but if we plan to leave we have to give 30 days notice so we have to know something by the end of October. I know there is no way we will find a house in that small amount of time so we will have to pay that high rent for a short period of time and that will dent into our house fund. (2) At work there was one open permanent position and two temps applying for the position. I was the temp that didn’t get hired but I was told to hang in there that there might be another position down the road. I think I’m taking it a little too personal that they didn’t pick me. (3) The stress and worry about my father-in-laws health (see below blogs) (4) I have this feeling of being let down by the people close to me (5) There’s a couple people I have been close to in the past that I have the feeling that they might be mad at me for some reason (they talk to me less and when we are near each other their body language says to me that there is something amiss).
Now I know that everything happens for a reason, I can’t control what other people think and I can’t make everybody happy, there are just some things in the universe I have no control over and I think the fact they I feel out of control in my own world that I’m trying to control the things around me which I have no control over “Trying to control the uncontrollable is exhausting and frustrating” a quote a try to remind myself off in times like this.
I just feel like I have such a struggle going on. I know that it’s not good to have this much rage inside of me. This is not healthy for me on both a mental and physical level. Since the rage started my right knee has started to hurt and I’ve been having pain just above my pubic bone on the left side. Then add in the pulled muscle in my shoulder & my repaired tendons and I’m just a walking mess but hey at least I’m walking right.
Ok I need to leave this on a good note things I’m happy for: I didn’t gain weight this week, I can walk, I can talk, I can see, I can hear, I have a job, I have a supportive husband, I have a roof over my head, I have clothes on my back, I have my own car that is paid for, I am a work in progress.
Quote: “The birds of worry and care fly about your head, this you cannot change, but that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent”