February 2007 ends today.... and I know I'm closer to my surgery date w/ every day that passes, but darn it all if it doesn't seem like time as slowed down!! I'm using my CPAP machine now and I hate it. It's uncomfortable, my face is breaking out where the mask is laying on my skin, I feel like such a fatty. It's humilating. My husband is on 3rd shift and I am so happy that he doesn't have to see me like that. I lay there and am just disgusted with myself. That I have let myself become this. That I have allowed ME to be overtaken by this wall of fat. The real me is in there, but oh so hidden. I see people's glances...their stares at how big I've become. Thank God I can't hear their thoughts.
Last Saturday was my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary and while I was there I spoke with a family friend who had RNY 6 yrs old. She looks amazing and is doing well. We sat down and discussed the surgery and what she went through and then after a few mins. her SIL came over and sat down with us. D. asked if she could tell M. what I was doing and I said, "sure!" b/c people will know soon enough anyway and overall, I've had a positive reactions by most when they find out. Well M.'s reaction was not so. D. said, "Amber is having the surgery." and M said, "Why?"
I said there trying to figure out what this "why" meant... why am I having surgery? why do I think I need it? why do I feel this is only way out? I was confused. Needless to say she wsa less than supportive and said I am too young. I will be 28 yrs old on March 16. I have spent my 20's being fat, I don't plan on going through my 30's the same way. My kids are little and I want to enjoy them!!!
The next thing I know my dad sits down and starts hammering D. and I and telling us that we are just undisciplined and need to eat less. D really let him have it though and I was glad she was there. I ignore alot of what he says anyway, but I was thankful she stood up to him. lol
You know, getting ready for this surgery has stripped me of denial. No longer can I lie to myself. I can't pretend that I don't have a problem, or that "it's not that bad." It IS bad. It's dangerous. It's killing me slowly and I am embarassed, sad, angry, regretful and ready to change!!!
I don't expect this surgery to be a magic wand that will make all bad things in my life better. What I do know is that I am focusing on making ME better.
Gabe will be 7 months old tomorrow. He'll never remember me at this size. He'll never remember that at one time his mommy was the "fat mom". Abby and Hannah are both still small that I can make it up to them. Many times I have wanted to be the "room mom" for school parties, or help out with school stuff, but I have avoided so much of it b/c of my size. I dont' want my kids to be embarassed, or have their friends ask them why their mommy is fat.
I have tears rolling down my checks right now thinking about being free of this prison of lard.
I am to the point that no one could change my mind about this surgery. I want it. I need it. I'm doing it. And it can't happen soon enough!!
When I think about the actual surgery, I wonder what it will feel like waking up and all that, and yet I havne't let myself dwell on that part of it too much. I know there will be pain, and things are going to be tough for a few weeks, but I have a great support system going for me. The logistics of it all will need to be worked out ... the kids and school and where they will stay and who will take them here and there, but I know all that will work out.
I have been reading people journals here and on the web and it is amazing to me that tranformations that occur. I am so ready!!!