**9/23/02 Went To Dr Hall with Kaiser and told her about all of my ailments and asked to be referred for the surgery. She was very nice about it. I was very surprised that she just said "ok" with no arguments. Also I was surprised because this was my first visit with this doctor and insurance carrier (always had Blue Cross) So now I am waiting for the referral and approval. Wish me luck:-)
**11/26/02 -Have received a denial letter a couple of weeks ago. I just had a phone conference today for the appeal. I tried my best I hope they approve it. Cindy, my appeal lady said that they may deny because I have only been with Kaiser for a couple of months. I told her, that is true but the reason I came over in the forst place was because of all the good things I had heard about Kaiser. Even still, its not like I have never been to the doctor before. I am waiting now for word.
**12/02Denied, Denied, Denied - reason they gave me - not with Kaiser long enough. AHHHHHH I am soo frustrated. Also heard that my good friend who had wls in July is having complications (serious) Please say a prayer for her!!
**01/28/03 - Found a new doctor (I swear I am not going to give up!! He is Dr Green out of the La Palma Office in CA which is closer to my work. Hopefully I will have more control over the Results and not give them any ammunition to deny again. Also my friend is out of the hospital and doing much better. - Thank you for your prayers.
**5/4/03 Ok, where do I start. Well I have not given up!!! I have done all the blood work, sleep apnea test, incontinence, and ultrasound. Lets start with the ultrasound. Yes they found gallstones (duh!). My doctor wanted to refer me to a surgeon right away, and I was so proud that I stood my ground and told him no because I do not want to be opened up twice and I want to receive the bariatric surgery. So he sent me off to the ob/gyn and the first doctor (Dr Edwards) kept telling me "well you are having incontinence because you are so heavy, and I can't do any thing for you except refer you to a specialist and they probobably won't be able to do anything for you either because you are soooo heavy" He must have said I was so big and heavy at least 20 times. Trust me Dr Edwards I got it after the first 5 times and that is why I am here in the first place. I tried so hard to keep it to together but I couldn't, as soon as he left I put my clothes back on and a flood of tears just came out. I literally couldn't stop the tears. It took me 20 minutes to get it together, and then I couldn't control even when I walked out of there. I think everything has been building up in me and it just let go. I know what he was saying was what I want on the report but damn it was harsh. So anyway he refers me to a specialist (Dr Ihara) and he was wonderful, of course the poor guy everytime he asked me to bear down (well lets just say I had a lil gas) Can this be any more embarassing, he was so nice about it too. So I just went to my PCP for my last follow up to get the referral and wouldn't you know it I don't have the co-morbidities to get the surgery. Gallstones and mild incontinence, gerd, bad sciatica joint pain, and servere exhaustion are not enough. Even though he was going to refer me to a surgeon right away for the gall stones. I don't get it. I asked him to please send the referral in anyway. I am expecting a denial and then I will appeal it and if I get denied again then I will go to the state and if they deny me then I will contact a lawyer. (I am so done playing around) When I mentioned the state and a lawyer his story changed a bit and he said he would e-mail the referral and see what they can do for me. I will follow up with him on Monday and see what the status is.
**5/5/03 Happy Cinco Freakin De Mayo, Doctor Green Called said they were going to deny me and to speak with Member Services.
**6/8/03 After playing Phone tag for a month I was able to speak with Shannon in Member Services. She was so nice, but again after review they denied me again. Their reason this time is because back in September 02, they withdrew the appeal because of lack of evidence, I told them not to withdrawl and to go for it. (I felt like they were trying to get rid of me.) SO they can't go through the appeal because I already had my chance. This time, I guess Dr. Green didn't even give me a referral, and so they could not appeal again. They referred me to DMHC. I am waiting for the complaint package. I just feel like crying, and I feel like giving up. But something inside of me keeps telling me push push push, don;t let them win. Hold them accountable. Please pray for me, I don't think I can hold on with this gallbladder thing to much more. I have nothing to lose right now except the weight.
**6/27/03 Sent out the complaint package, 50 pages worth plus pictures. Hoping that the DMHC can help. (please, please, please)
**7/8/03 Called to check on DMHC they have no record called back again the next week no record again. Called back a third time and decided it was time to fax it.
**8/5/03 Well the most embarrasing thing that could ever happen to me did today. I sat down in front of my class (I teach liquor/wine Sales Reps)My pants ripped at the seam all the way down. Yes everyone heard, yes everyone laughed (7 men - 2 women). I tried to joke it off but I was on the verge of wigging out. Thats it I was so frustrated I finally faxed over 88 pages to the DMHC asking them to expedite my claim since they have lost my paperwork and I am having serious pain with Gallstones.
**8/6/03 Wow, I got a call from SHannon in Member Services with Kaiser. I guess DMHC sent the packet to Kaiser the very next day after they received it, and told them they would give them one more chance. Shannon was very helpful. Kaiser has 15 days to respond, and if they do not approve again then it goes back to the DMHC. I hope that is a good sign, I just don't know anymore. I am afraid to get my hopes up on this. Note: September 1, will be one full year that I have been working on this. Thank you for all of your support!! Will update soon.
**9/03 Went to the appeals borard for Kaiser (again) but this time I physically went there, there were about 9 people there. Well I poured my heart out and was told that I did a very good presentation. Denied! Ok, Ok I knew I was basically repeating steps 123 and that was only step 1, so I went to the Regional Appeals Board, there was about 20 people there, again everyone said that I did an excellent presentation, probably the best they have seen. Guess what Denied. Ok, Ok I knew that this is step 2 of the 1,2,3, process again. So I go back to the the State again. Kaiser said they would like to do more test on me and my Doctor (Dr. Green) called and said that he wanted to get started on those tests. However, I feel weird right now. Do I just go for the state, or do I try with my Doctor with him Knowing that I have not given up for a year and I am not going away. I don't know, I just feel like crying," God Please give me a break".
**11/3/03 Well today is my 13th Wedding Anniversary. I am so truly blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life. I swear he is so patient, and loving and sometimes I wonder how the heck he wants to be with me. He knows I am so stubborn and headstrong and he is still there and I know I drive him nuts. God, if you are out there maybe instead of asking all of the time for my surgery, maybe a humble thankyou is appropriate for my Husband and my 2 girls. Update on my process, faxed over a 100 page report to the DMHC (I was dragging a bit on that because I was so down about this whole situation and really contemplating quitting) But I got my head out of my butt and got going. I also went to the Next PCP in my Kaiser building, Dr Darweesh, to at least get my labs updated. He seemed really nice, but I don't know it is so hard to trust anyone after so long a time trying. Kaiser responded that they are in receipt of the DMHC request and are still reputing it because It is not medically necessary. Well thanks to this wonderful website I was able to list at least 50 similar situations as mine that Kaiser in California has approved. I was also able to list about 20 cases that the DMHC has overturned the HMO decision regarding Bariatric Surgery. So right now I am waiting again. Oh and I have now gained 5lbs since my last update. Isnt that nice :-(
**11/21/03 OHHHHHHH MYYYYYYY GODDDDDDD I DID IT , I DID IT, I DID IT!!!!!! I won, I can't believe it, I won against Kaiser. The DMHC has overturned Kaiser's decision to deny me, and they have 5 days to turn in the referral. (crying.......) (smiling))))))
(crying and smiling!!!!) OHHHHHH MY GODDDDDDDD I just don't know what to say. I think i will just sit for awhile, and be back soon. :-)))))))
**12/03 (Beginning) Went and got the rest of my labs that were missing. Had to get a pregnancy test which was amusing since I had my tubes tied 7 years ago. Gave me a chuckle. Went also to the Bariatric Class in San Diego at Scripps Mercy. Basically said the same at the last meeting, but there is always a little something new to learn. Faxed all of my paperwork to PB and am now just waiting for the consult.
**12/22/03 Consult date is scheduled. Got a call from Pacific Bariatric Said they notice that I smoke, and will give me a nicotine test. Kinda freaked me out. But I did it and maybe needed to have that extra pressure to quit. Boy everything is getting serious real quick, and I am nervous and a little scared but Im sure as hell not going to quit.
**01/12/03 Went Down to San Diego for my 3 appointments. Went to the Psychologist and she was really nice. I was nervous because she is my last hurdle, per the DMHC The surgery approval is contingent on the psych eval. She said that she could see no reason why I can't have the surgery. Which was a big "Whew". Its hard to see yourself from the outside. Of Course I got a parking ticket. I only had 2 quarters on me and I found a meter that still had some time on it. Well I ended up talking to the Doc for an hour, and I swear the meter lady was waiting for it to expire. I was also broke as a joke( had to pay some bills and didn't get paid till Wed.) I knew that this was so important, I thought what the hell I will figure it out when I get there. I illegally parked all day :-)
I got to meet Dr. Leo Murphy, and was very impressed. He was so nice and I immediatley felt comfortable around him. This is a big thing for me as I know the mental part of surviving and having success is mental control. Last but not least met with Dr. Kingsbury the internal medicine doc. He was really funny and quick. I was not sure why I had to go to him in the first place. He must get that a lot because he told me the reason why (he was like the safety guy to make sure there was no reason why I can't have the surgery)He gave me the green light, and I was on my way. I also have been working out for the last 2 weeks and lost 3 pounds and have not smoked either. (by the way they did not give me a nicotine test)
Right now I am in such a weird place I am so happy about this surgery and that it is actually happening. However we had a very close friend pass away from cancer jst last week. (She was only 40) and it just breaks my heart. The father isn't around and she left behind 3 children 13, 8, and 6 they are like my kids. I love them so much. I got so emotional at this funeral that when I left I made it around the block and threw up. Never had that happen before. I have been to 3 funerals in the last 3 months, and I was able to control it. This one just hit home a bit more. My daughter and her daughter are best friends so this was really hard on her. All I know is that I can't seem to get enough of my children right now, or my husband. I just want them to know that I love them soo much and am so damn proud to be their wife and mother. (Thank you God for such wonderful gifts)
2/7/04 - Got my surgery date yesterday.. FEBRUARY 25, 2004 YAYYYYY. Wow I am just in shock. I was told that it was probably going to be 3 - 4 months after the consult date. It only took one month. OH MY GOD ITS REALLY GOING TO HAPPEN,
:-))))
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2/22/03 - Ok, it's getting close. Can't seem to get off of this web site :-) I just want to know as much as possible. When I start to feel like"Oh My God I Don't Know If I Can Do This" I just read a story, or look at the pictures, and I feel ok. Thank you for all who have supported me. I have been working out and taking my vitamins but have the dardnest time with those darn protein shakes. Can't seem to get them choked down. They are just so nasty. Tried a chocolate one called Propeptide with bananas and just water and it was pretty good, but it was a sample and I need to get some more (its on order as we speak).
Ok, since I am trying to keep an acurate journal of this whole experience here are a few things that I am feeling: I got a bad case of the "what if's" and they are getting me good. Like: What if I don't make it? What if I make it, how am I supposed to get up after sugery and walk around? What if I am not completely "put out" during surgery and can feel it? (happened to my mom). What if I get the serious complications like my good friend had? What if I screw up and eat to much. What if I don't stop losing? What if I don't lose at all? What if none of my symptoms are relieved and it wasn't the weight after all? Oh my god they just keep coming!!!!!!
Ok Whew, thanks for letting me vent, I already know the answers and have already taken action to make it all ok. I just needed to wig out for a second. I am glad about one thing though, I started my period last week and am done now, so one less worry for the surgery. And I am really proud that I quit smoking, that is pretty cool, smells like crap to me now. Iknow, I know I just keep babbling, but it really helps to get it out. Maybe I will go and clean something, that will probably keep me occupied. Any way I love this website, it truly makes me feel like I am not alone. I feel such an incredible support from everyone here. Thank you for that. May God Bless everyone!!
5/25/04 - Well I am sorry I haven't written in a long while. I had my surgery on 2.25.04, and it seemed as though everything went ok. However on the third day, I had a serious complication and almost died. My larger stomach filled up with fluid and exploded, and I was rushed to emergency surgery. They couldn't even take me for a cat scan as the Doctor (Dr. Leo Murphy) said I could barely make it to the elevator and wouldn't make it through the cat scan. I went through 6 other surgeries, had 20 blood tranfusions, was put in a coma for 5 weeks, had a tracheotomy put in, and as a result from the rupture. My blood went septic because of the fluid draining into my cavity. I had every infection you can think of including gangreen. All my organs shut down It was diagnosed a systemic organ failure, which pretty much means death. I got pneumonia in my lungs and devloped 2 blood clots in my right leg. I can't remember anything while I was in the coma. So I am going off reports from family. I guess I swelled up to 300lbs (extra 50 lbs of just fluid), and I almost died on several occasions. I lost half of my muscle and had to learn to walk all over again. It is a miracle that I survived at all. The ICU nurses were wonderful and worked non-stop to keep me alive. Friends and family came to support me, and I guess I was also in every type of prayer group you can think of in 28 states and 4 foreign countries. (I am so unworthy of all this love and support that it just breaks my heart!!!!!) My husband has been wonderful, he was even able to assist on wound changes. He was very valuable to all the nurses as he learned everything he could about my vitals and all the machines I was hooked up too at (one point over 16 machines). I could feel the love so deeply that it is still very emotional for me to keep a dry eye. I am sorry for putting everyone through all this. My girls pulled through fairly well. The little one didn't understand as much as my 12 year old. See one of her best friends mothers just passed away and here is her mother on the brink of death. It was hard on her (I am so sorry baby girls) The doctors put me on a machine called a wound vac that was designed in the Gulf war for soldiers who were shot in the stomach. I had an open wound for 2 months. Dr. Murphy had a plastic surgeon Dr. Jones scrub in to finally close the wound, and it worked out perfect.
I have been home from the hospital since May 1st. I spent 66 days there, and 5 weeks of that in a coma. When I was feeling better, I would go to that excercise class and get so jealous of all the people who had the surgery and were about to go home, because I had been there so long. When I finally got the green light to go home it was great. Then I was scared that maybe it was too soon, but everything is much better now. I was on a home health care for 3 weeks, where a nurse would come and check vitals and do wound care and help with my home IV. I now have all of my drains, sutures and picc line out. So I have been discharged from Home health as well, and now its just the road to recovery and building up strength. Through all this the surgery did work for me, it was the larger stomach and infections that I had the problem with. I am now down 46 lbs and am eating regular food, and of course trying to get in as much protein as possible. Well thats it for now will update more later. Amy
**6/13/04 Feeling much better now. Over Memorial Weekend, I hung out by the pool with my girls, what a stupid idea. I didn't even think about all the medicine I was on, and boy did I ever get fried (dumb, dumb, dumb) That was some pain, could barely walk for 2 days. After being in the hospital for so long I was white as a ghost (almost grey) and just wanted some color. Ok, here is the update on my weight. I am now down 50 lbs. I have hit a weird plateau where I can't get below 200lbs. I feel so much better even started to drive around town. I go back to work on July 12, so I get a couple more weeks of disability. I need to stand up straiter (sp) as I tend to hunch over but I am trying. Oh boy am I ever losing my hair, it is just coming out in gobs. Luckily I have really thick hair but it is getting everywhere. My friend, who is a hairdresser, is helping me and we are going to go and buy some nioxin to see if that will help. Honestly, I'm having a hard time getting the protein drinks down. I just have a hard time stomaching them. They fill me up so quick, and taste horrible (I know I am so picky and yes I have tried all the different ways) I will keep trying though. All in all things are slow but moving and getting better every day.
**07/07/04 Yay!! I finally broke the 200lb mark and am down to 196. I also officially weigh less than my husband. (this is soo weird) We just got back from Visiting family in Missouri and Illinois, and we are considering moving there. One thing about having all those complications is that it has rekindled my relationship with my father. We have'nt spoken to each other in 14 years, but when he heard about me in the hospital, he came right out. Kinda mixed emotions with this (why couldn't he have been there before??) It was the first time he met my girls and my husband. I had no control over it because I was in the coma. It breaks my heart how much I want his acceptance. Anyway, it was good to see him, and I hope we can just go forward. It was a good trip, even went up in the St. Louis Arch. Went to see Dr. Murphy before we went and he put me back on coumadin (for the blood clot in my leg) I also finally had my first period since leaving the hospital. Of course with the coumadin, it has lasted almost 2 weeks now. I will get that checked out soon. I also go back to work next monday (July 12), and am a little nervous. I just hope everything will be ok. Anyway, I am feeling much better, and do have more energy so things are coming along. Thanks for listening.
7/16/04 Well I finished my first week back at work. Wow was that ever emotional. So many people came up and hugged me and told me how they prayed for me. I feel so privledged to work around such wonderful people. Even my boss was wonderful and it was so sweet how she tried to baby me. (she really stepped up for my family while I was away. Thank You) It was very hard to keep a dry eye, as I thought that I might not be able to work there again. It just feels so good to know that people really do care. Next week I will have my first class and I hope that I will do a good job, and not get too tired. I am feeling good though and down to 193lbs. Slowly but surely.
**8/1/04 Well I am now down to 189 that is a total of 63lbs lost. I am losing slower than most people I read about, but I do not have the hanging skin. Feeling better and stronger everday. Sometimes emotions still get me but then I have a real good cry and feel much better. I am just so happy to be alive. (Thank you god for giving me a second chance)
**8/25/04 Down to 184, (very) slowly but surely going down. People are telling me that I look really skinny. Makes me giggle. The weird thing is that I still feel Like I am about 225. I still think like a heavy person, I wonder if that will ever go away. It is also weird all the little fears I have now because of my complications. Sometimes I feel so vunerable, sometimes I feel really good. Either way I am still alive and losing weight and I know I am very blessed.
**10/3/04 Down to 176 total of 78lbs lost. Feeling great. Starting to feel pretty. My hair is growing back (finally!)
Also, I went and had another ultrasound and both of my blod clots in my right leg are gone (YAY!!) Had my B-day 2 weeks ago and just couldn't keep the tears away. I am so lucky that I got to even see my B-day. Got a bit of a reality shock too on my daughters b-day that was a week later. I was trying to blow up a balloon and just couldn't do it. Made me realize that even though I am feeling a lot better, that I am still healing inside, and still have a lot of work ahead of me.
**10/30/04 Down to 171 total lbs lost 81. Feeling great. Just found out that I got the promotion I was up for yesterday. Yep I am the new Corporate Training Manager for my company. YAY!!!! Also had a bit of a scare, thought I was going to have to get this hernia fixed asap. but the surgeon said I could wait until spring. Yay!! Not only was I scared to death of going under the knife again but how would it look to my new bosses. I know it needs to be taken care of but I was able to buy some time, and I am just starting to feel soo good now. I also don't seem to do to well in hospitals. I was just expecting it to be done around February or March.
11/20/04 - Losing slowly but surely down to 167. Celebrated my 14th anniversary. (Thank you God for my sweet sweet Jimmy) He got a new job, and my new position is going well. Feeling really good. We celebrated Thanksgiving early because my husband has to work on that day. It was emotional, very emotional. We went around the table and named 3 things we were grateful of. My little one says" I am thankful that my mommy is no longer in the hospital and sick because if she didn't come home it would be just me, daddy and my sister for thanksgiving and that would be really sad" (crying...smiling...) Life is very good and I am very thankful. (and dang it, kids sometimes will get ya good)
11/26/04 I am feeling really weird right now. I went into the store the other day, and this lady comes up to me and says" Oh you going to have one more?" I said excuse me? She said" you gonna have another one?" and she pointed to my stomach. I was horrified and didn't know what to say so I looked at my stomach and said" oh no I have a huge hernia and I am not pregnant" I felt so stupid, and it is true that my stomach really sticks out like a grapefruit or better yet a basketball. I was with my girls and tried to act like it was no big deal but it really bothers me. Oh well, life is pretty good, I just have to realize that there are people in this world that have no tact. I just wished I would have handled it better like by telling her "No I am just fat, but really thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt, no really" in a really smart ass way.
**12/12/04 Just got back from Napa California it is beautiful out there. I feel like I am part of something very big with my company and I feel really privledged to be a part of it. I am down to 164 total of 86lbs now. I still get pretty embarrassed with all the extra attention, but I am starting to feel a lot prettier and healthier than I ever have.
**1/8/05 Down to 162 very slowly but surely 90lb loss. Had my first big speaking engagement at work with my new position. Not sure how I did. I think ok, but have a lot of work ahead. I was pretty nervous as I still need to connect with everyone. I finally talked with my new bosses about my upcoming hernia surgery. They were really supportive. They had no idea what had happened to me. I haven't really told anyone else. I just don't want to be known as the girl who had that weight loss surgery and almost died. Feeling kinda tired and blue. Had a bit of a break down the other day, sometimes these emotions hit me so hard. Thinking about my mortality alot lately. Then I talked to my mommy and she made everything all better. There are just memories that are coming to me while I was in the hospital that I didn't realize before. I feel very different, and am afraid that I am losing my spark. I think this Tsnumai stuff is affecting me quite a bit. How people can just be wiped out so quick, and all those poor children. Every day is so precious, you really never do know when there will be a tomorrow.
**02/12/05 I am on a plateau right now. Feeling a bit frustrated. I keep going from 162 to 159 then back to 162. Very weird. Hernia is bothering me pretty bad lately. I know I need to get this taken care of. I am just seriously scared no petrified would be a better word of another surgery. I am trying to not let the fear handicap me, oh but it does. I have so many fears that I never had before. It is so weird. I am trying to take them on one at a time. Work is going good, I am burning the candle at both ends, and took Friday off. Felt guilty as hell, but when you put it in perspective, I have only taken 2 days off in the last 8 months, and considering that I was in a coma less than a year ago, it is not too bad. Well it is coming up on a year on Feb 25th. I can't beleive it has been a year. I am just wondering if I will be able to go a day with out thinking about what happened. It is so weird all these memories are coming back to me. I must a have killed a trillion brain cells and maybe they are repleneshing themselves. My mom says that once I have this last surgery, I will have some closure. I hope so, I don't want to be a martyr, but I am so convicted with emotion. I glad this website is here, so I can vent. I don't tell too many people my emotions because then they tend to get really scared for me. I have already put them through enough.
03/09/05 Feeling Great, even though I am still on a damn plateau. I go between 158 and 160, but I feel like I might have lost some inches, because my 14's are getting realy loose.
Just got back from SLO visiting one of our new wineries at work. I drank about a half of a glass of wine, it felt kinda gross though, almost oily in my stomach. I didn't like the feeling so I decided to stop. I felt like a fuddy duddy, because I didn't go out with everyone that night, but I don't care I was very tired, and that took priority. Also went to meet my new doctor yesterday, to get the ball rolling to fix this hernia. I like him (Dr. Daniels)so far. we will see.
Also went to Disneyland this weekend, didn't go on any of the real bumby rides, but was proud that I hung in there all day. Well thats about it for now.
04/09/05 Wow a lot has happened this month. Yes I am still on a plateau, I just don't understand it. I am getting pretty nervous at this point. Is this it? I haven't even lost a full 100lbs yet. After all I went through, oh man after everything, well I just hope this isn't it. I think that I need to go back to basics. Also my good friend Yvette had her reconstructive surgery on March 31. She has some serious complications from this surgery like me, and the second surgery she had just messed her up even more. I guess her liver,spleen and stomach were all fused together, with ulcers, and from the acid in her larger stomach coming back up through the ulcer. The surgeon, Dr. Leo Murphy (Same as me) conducted her surgery. This type of surgery has never been done before, and she was given a 50/50% chance of survival. He had to take out her spleen, 15% of her liver,a lot of her small intestine, and created a whole new stomach for her, and she lost 4 pints of blood. She pulled through well, she will be in the Hospital for about 2 weeks if all goes well, and on a feeding tube for about 2 months,as nothing should go into her new stomach so it can heal.
Boy was this ever hard for me, I was so scared for her. First off, I didn't know she was having her surgery that day, I found out from my friend Christine. I was soooo pissed and upset that I pulled off the side of the road, and had to calm myself down. I called my mom, she helped me. I surprised myself how freaked out I got. I don't seem to handle stress very well these days. I called Yvette's husband and went off on him. He should have let everyone know. I just felt so horrible, that I didn't get to talk with her before. It was like her husband didn't feel like it was a big deal. She really needed support through this. I went to work, and made it till about 11am at work, and couldn't handle it anymore, and went to San Diego. I got there just as they finished her surgery, and got to see Dr. Leo Murphy again . It was very surreal to be in ICU again, gave me the willies big time. I kept telling myself "Amy, face your fear, it is not about you, it is about Yvette" That helped. I was just unprepared, and this whole event did not play out like I thought it would. I went back down, the next Friday, and Saturday, then they put her on the 5th floor. Uggghhh, this is where all my complications happened, and I remember everything being there before the coma and after. I was so scared for her. But Yvette is doing really well, no leaks, no serious complications yet, and she is walking around that floor like a marathon runner. She is the most evil patient I know (She is also a nurse)she makes me laugh so hard and she has such a high pain tolerance. I really respect her for her courage, and all the pain that she was going through. No one really believed her, it is so sad. But thank god that she is still here. I love my "Aunt Ybette" that is my nick name for her. Thank you god!!
Also note, I have my appointment with my surgeon on April 27 to get this hernia fixed. I have had 2 people within the last 2 days ask if I was pregnant. It is really sticking out. Will update soon on that.
05/04/05 Still on a plateau between 161 and 159. However I am now in a size 13, I think I may be losing inches. Very weird.
Yvette is doing well and at home, she has a lot of recovery ahead of her, but time is on her side right now.
So I went to the Surgeon. I was so upset when I left there. Ugh it is such a long story. He kept asking me where I worked, and what I sold. When I told him I sell liquor and wine, he say's "Oh so you're a hoochie mama?" Then he immediatly said "oh, I don't mean that, I shouldn't have said" that. Duh, what the hell was he thinking?. It was like he came in and tried to be too comfortable with me too quick. It was so weird. Then he asked what happened to me before, "because I don't remember you". So I start to tell him and he cuts me off and say's well lets look at you stomach. He said it in a way that was like get on the table stupid. Then he said "wow that IS a big hernia". Then he told me to stand up, and he checked it out a little more, then he just went and sat down, leaving me there with my pants open and unzipped. I didn't know if we were over with the exam, so I just zipped up my pants and sat down too.
So he then says, "well I can't do much for you because it still won't get rid of the bulge." He seemed very irritated with me, and trying to push me off. He then starts going into that he would have never referred me to this surgey anyway, and he only deals with the complications from this, and I could have just exercised more. You know what buddy "KISS MY ASS!!!!!!" I have already beat that damn horse. I carry the worst guilt imaginable, I know I should not be here(alive) while there are so many other really good people that are dying every day, It makes me feel horrible that god took someone else instead of me. So horrible that I break down sometimes and feel so undeserving. Oh I am so angry, guilty, sad and pissed just talking about it. Obviously, Amy is going to get a second opinion. And this guy is going down!!
06/13/05 - Wow my last update was very emotionally charged. I have decided to get a second opinion, and I have also decided that I will do that next month. I just don't want to fight right now, because I have too much going on. I know, I know, people are getting mad at me, and I swear I will take care of it, I just need a break right now. My daughter just graduated 8th grade, Nana came out from Missouri, and the girls are going back with her, and we are moving to Orange Co. Things are good, I am feeling ok, and even the weirdest thing is happening. I have not lost any weight, but I have lost sizes. I am now in a 12. Go Figure. :-)
08/19/05 Ok, so I haven't updated in a couple of months, here is the 411. Well I have had about 20 people (Literally) ask me if I was pregnant or when I was due, or pointing at me while I was having a drink (of alcohol) and saying "what are youuuu drinking" Then I have to explain to them that I have a large hernia. I am actually feeling bad for them now, because I can see the embarrasment in their eyes when they realize that I am not pregnant. I even had a few people that do know tell me that it has been really sticking out bad and I need to go and get checked. ALRIGHT, I GET IT...Back to wearing the brace again everyday!
So I go to see a different surgeon, Dr. Susan Walker, and she is great. She was truthful and said she wouldn't know how to take of a hernia this size. She said that she would feel better that I see a plastic surgeon beause It looks like I need reconstructive surgery with the hernia and the muscle loss. I thought this was pretty cool, maybe they can take some skin off while they are there. I have an appointment with the PS on 8/29 so we will see.
Lets see what else, my girls are back from Missouri, I will never again let them go for that long, but they had a blast, oh and we moved to Aliso Viejo. Also still running between 159 and 162 don't understand but I am still in a size 12 but they are starting to get loose on me. Very very weird. I must be gaining a lot of muscle or something because I can't explain it. Well I will update more after I know more. Have a good one.
10/01/05 - Here is the update. I finally went to see Dr. Lee in West LA, he was very nice and seemed to know what he was doing. At least he will take my case. I now have a surgery date November 21, yep the week of Thanksgiving. I so want this fixed, but man oh man does the thought of going into the hospital again and being opened up gives me the heebeegeebees like no other. I have to just let go and let god take control. Oh if only you knew how hard that is for me. I feel like I will be ok, but that is what I thought before and I was so wrong! I guess the most frustrating thing about all that happened is that I have doubt in my heart. I used to feel so sure of things. The one really positive thing about this all is that I do live more in the moment and don't stress about certain things so much. Sorry to get so philisophical, I don't talk about this much to others, I have already caused so much pain, I don't want to cause them worry. I sort things out in my head in my own litte weird way. Thanks for listening. Oh btw holding at about 158, I lost a couple of pounds because I had surgery on my mouth and went back to soft foods for awhile.
11/5/05 Ok where do I start, A lot of stuff has happened. FIrst they moved up my surgery date to november 11. My mom had to change her flight but she will be coming out next week before the surgery. I had my pre-op appointment. I didn't really get the results from my catscan. Dr. Lee said that he did see it but nothing stuck out in his mind as a danger. Jimmy was there so I had Dr. Lee show him exactly what he was planning on doing. Which is basically re-working my muscles together. He will not be using the mesh, and he did confirm that he will take some skin off I will probably not have a belly button when I wake up. He then sent me down to the Anesthisiologist Dr. Goldin. At first he was kind of hurried and aggressive but as we started to go into my medical history, he was very surprised that no one has been doing any after care for me. He called up my Dr Lee and requested that I go to a special pre-op clinic for clearance before the surgery because their last updated records are from 2004. Well Dr Lee must have thought that was unnessasary because they started to argue a little. Then Dr. Goldin told him that he disagrees with him and will call the pre-op clinic doctor himself. This made me kind of glad. I always get embarassed talking about how bad my complications were, so I tend to play it down. It was kind of nice that he noticed and it made me feel so much better. So I go down to get me blood work done, and Dr. Goldin calls me while I was waiting and said that Dr. Moralis with the special pre-op clinic will be calling me to set up an appointment. He then said that I had been through enough and he just wants to make sure everything is ok. It almost made me cry because it was so sweet. I then go in to get my blood work done and they line you up like cattle, but the only guy there calls me over to his seat, and then as he is shoving the needle in my arm he tells me that I have the most beautiful eyes. Oh my god. I felt all gigly. Hello... my husband was right out there and the lab guy was putting the moves on me. The funniest part about this, is this kind of stuff never happens to me. I didn't know what to do, so I just played it off, and giggled (like an idiot) god I am such a dork!
Any ways as we were walking out to the parking lot, the Dr from the special pre-op clinic calles me 3 times (i had no reception in the parking lot) I get the appoint ment for next Tuesday. Very weird day.
Oh I have to tell you that I went out with my friend last Saturday to a Halloween party, and got totally drunk. It felt so weird, we had so much fun. Don't worry that will noyt ve a common thing it is just that I have'nt done that in about 2 years.
Things are really weird at work right now too, there is a big change coming (It seems to change every 2 years with this company). I think everyones energy is really out of wack right now. It could be just me, so nervous about this surgery. I keep thinking about How I am going to loose my mobility, but only for a few days and, I am dreading feeling sick again. An god please nooo complications again. Please please let this go well. I WILL FIGHT MY FEARS, I WILL FACE THEM HEAD ON!!!
Morning Before Hernia Surgeryhttp://photobucket.com" target="_blank">http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y55/gldielaux/Amys%20Meltdown/funnights104.jpg" border="0" alt="Image hosting by Photobucket"> http://photobucket.com" target="_blank">http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y55/gldielaux/Amys%20Meltdown/funnights105.jpg" border="0" alt="Image hosting by Photobucket">
After Surgery (w/lots of bruising & No Belly Button))http://photobucket.com" target="_blank">http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y55/gldielaux/Amys%20Meltdown/funnights127.jpg" border="0" alt="Image hosting by Photobucket"> http://photobucket.com" target="_blank">http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y55/gldielaux/Amys%20Meltdown/funnights128.jpg" border="0" alt="Image hosting by Photobucket">
11/27/05 Yay, I did it!!! And guess what everything went really well. The surgery itself was supposed to only take 2 hours but because of the size of my hernia it took 4. I guess when the surgeon came out and updated my family he said "Wow that was one big hernia!!" He did end up having to use some mesh by my sternum area because when they closed me up before they had to take some of the fat out and there was nothing there this time to close it all up. Before I went into my surgery the nurse who took care of me was Josephine, she was so sweet and told me she prayed for me this morning, which really broke me down because I was so scared. She just talked and talked to me and really calmed me down, it was like she was an angel or something. My family was there, Mom, Jimmy, my 2 girls and even Christine and her kids were there. One of the sweetest things was Christine coming all the way to LA for me, it is a couple hours away, and she has been feeling soo sick lately with her thyroid out of whack and severe fatigue. But she was there, she always comes through for me, I love her to death! My other friends weren't, and I feel kind of weird about it they all have their own problems going on. It just reminds me that sometimes it is not a 2 way street it is just kind of disappointing. My mom was great, she stayed with me the first night, they were not going to let her but we explained to them what happened the last time and she had no where else to go. I felt so bad for her as it was really uncomfortable in that chair,but she watched over me like a hawk. Jimmy took the girls back home that night but was back the next morning by 6:30am, god he is so great. He just stayed with me and made sure that everything was ok. I won't lie that second day was pretty painful, and I got pretty nauseous but the reglan really helped. They also had me on some antibiotics, morphine and some type of vitamin which I think is similar to TPN, which of course made me have no apetite (sp) So of course again every one was trying to make me eat. God I hate that, if I am not hungry darn it I am not going to eat (what a change from 2 years ago) Well I had to try or they were not going to let me out so I was able to get down a couple bites of eggs. I never actually saw my surgeon Dr Lee while I was in the hospital, his assistant came and said that I could stay one more night if I feel like I need it or I could go home today (saturday), I was really surprised at this. My nurse, Stephanie said she felt better if I stayed over night especially with how I handled my last surgery. I agreed as I was still in some pretty good pain. But on Sunday morning the weirdest thing happened. I got a really good nights sleep,and woke up at about 5:30am, got up used the restroom, and just felt like walking, so I went and walked around the unit for several laps. I came back and cleaned myself up, and Jimmy arrived at about 7am and I told him that I was ready to go home. The paperwork was already done, so I ate breakfast and we packed up all of our stuff and got unhooked from all my IV's and was on our way by 10am. Of course we hit every damn bump we could in the road (ouch!) but I was so happy to be home. I came home with 4 drains in my pubic area and that night I looked at the incision. I won't lie it was weird not having a belly button, and my stomach is really swollen, but the hernia is gone. That's right THE HERNIA IS GONE!!!! I can't believe, I didn't really think that they would get rid of the bulge, and even though my stomach is swollen it still looks better than it did. Dr. Lee also took my hanging gut off, so now I have a scar from sternum to pubic area, and hip to hip like an upside down T. It wasn't a tummy tuck beacuse they did not lipo the fat out, he just took off the hanging skin. I went back that Tuesday and Dr. Lee took out 2 of the drains, and took the staples out and put some super glue on the incisions but it looks great. He also took out the medicine bulb that was inserted into the drains for pain. Now the truth is, I am sore as hell, and yes I did use the vicodin to help with the pain, and the drains are very uncomfortable because they are in my pubic area, but I can't believe how quick I am healing and how good I felt so quick. I was supposed to go in to get the other drains out last Tuesday but the Dr said if they were not draining at a certain level to not even come because he wouldn't pull them. Of course, they weren't which meant I had to have them in for Thanksgiving. Which btw I had at my house. I had about 20 people there and cooked about 1/2 the dinner myself, and the other half my MIL and FIL really helped with. When I felt tired I sat down. I was exhausted the next day, but it was a good kind of exhaustion not painful by any means. I feel so thankful that it went ok, I kept expecting it to be worse. I feel more confident right now. I even lost a few more pounds and have officially Joined the century club thats right I have now lost 102lbs. yay!!! I am down to 149. I feel kind of like I was able to gain some strength back (of the mind). I faced a lot of fears through this, and you know what, everything really is ok. Now it is just the road to recovery, but it is a short one and I have a lot to be thankful for!!
**Jan 15 - Things are going well, Still hanging in there at 148-150. I feel so much better!!!! I am having a lot of feedback about how thin I am lately. It is weird, as I really don't know how to take compliments. I get so embarrassed, and try to play it off. I just feel really goofy. Sometimes I feel thin but honestly I mostly still feel big. I wonder when my mind will catch up. There is also a piece of me that doesn't seriously want it to catch up because I don't want to be vain. I want to remember all that I went through, and the feelings. I don't want to disconnect from those who are still heavy, and the everyday crap they have to go through. How I used to cover up my insecurities by trying to be funny or not standing up for myself, or always trying to prove that I am better (than I really was). The one thing I know for sure that has changed in me since this whole ordeal is my emotions. I really can not be around negative people. I don't want to look at them, I don't want to speak with them, I just want to be away... They are like a cancer. I feel them so severly and they suck you dry. I also have the hardest time with my emotions when I hear of or am around anyone who have trauma or hardship in their life. Every time I hear an ambulance, I pray that the person will be ok, and if that can not happen and if it is their time to go that their family will be strong and make something good out of it. When I think of those people I feel so deeply, it is just so hard to explain. My mother calls me an empath, which is someone who takes on others emotions very easy. I don't know why it is like this now, it is like I can just look at people now and what they are going through and I just know....Even when they are trying to hide it, I see right through it. You can see their fear, anger or sadness in their eyes.
04/09/06 - Feeling really good. So glad that hernia is gone. It still looks like I had an autopsy done on me (which I basically did) but it is nice to wear belts again and stuff. Still holding at 146 - 149, I go back and forth. I am ok with that. Honestly though I am scared that I am eating to much, it just seems like I can eat quite a bit. I hate how food still consumes my life. I really wish there was no such thing. Ughh. Update on the family, Nana moved out here and is doing well, Jimmy just got a promotion (Yay), Jaimee is your typical teenager (which scares the hell out of me) and Jennifer is my little basketball champion and so sweet. Here are some pictures of Nana's B-Day and how my scars look now.
http://photobucket.com" target="_blank">http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y55/gldielaux/Amys%20Meltdown/NanasB-Day017.jpg" border="0" alt="Image hosting by Photobucket"> http://photobucket.com" target="_blank">http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y55/gldielaux/Amys%20Meltdown/NanasB-Day019.jpg" border="0" alt="Image hosting by Photobucket"> http://photobucket.com" target="_blank">http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y55/gldielaux/NanasB-Day004.jpg" border="0" alt="Image hosting by Photobucket"> http://photobucket.com" target="_blank">http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y55/gldielaux/NanasB-Day003.jpg" border="0" alt="Image hosting by Photobucket">
01-26-07
Wow, I can't believe it has been almost a year since I posted. I am at 152, and have gained a couple of pounds. I feel like I need to really maintain a healthy eating lifestyle. Food still consumes me and I figure it will always be a battle. Things are good other that. The family is good, Jimmy won TSO of the year and was promoted again. Jaimee is a sophmore now and doing really good, and Jenna is still at her basketball taking over. Woohoo Still loving life and have no regrets this far out (almost 3 years) but I really feel I need to work at it a hell of alot more now
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