The past few days have felt rather rough for me.  I am hurting.  My heart is hurting.  My emotions are very high.  I'm sure that if any of my family reads this they may be upset, but at this point this blog has been the place I could share how I feel.  Although this is about my family, it effects ME!  It makes me want to go eat something and I haven't been able to sleep because I am so sad.  My nephew at only age 22 passed away this week.  He was involved in a horrible accident.  My mom called me and my heart just broke.  It is such a weird situation because my brother (half brother by marriage) has decided along the way that I mean nothing to him.  The problem is.... I never was given the chance to know him, so why he doesn't want to be apart of my life, I may never know.  When I was born he was almost 17 years old, so I wasn't ever close to him from the start.  As I started to grow up, it was very hard for me because my nephews and niece were all very close to my age.  It didn't help that we lived in Georgia and they all lived in Kentucky/Ohio.  It was an odd feeling because I never felt like I was close to any of them just simply because I was a "half" sister and we didn't grow up together.  I hope that makes sense.  It does to me anyways.  I feel there is somewhat of a resentment about me and I haven't quite been able to understand it.  I think that is the part that makes me confused.  I was a child like their children.  I didn't choose to live where we ended up living.  I didn't choose to not be apart of their lives.  When you are a child yourself, how are these choices something that I had any control over.  So fast forward to now.  My grandmother died a year and a half ago, I go up to see her at the hospital before she died and I'm told by this brother, that he "hoped she didn't know I was even by her bedside".  Can he possibly understand how that must have made me feel and it was all based on what?  Again I will never know.  It was at this point when I left Lexington I realized I don't have any family.  It was like a trip of closure for me, because I wasn't "wanted".  Although it hurt me I cannot change the past and I cannot change anything that someone may feel.  I just remain extremely confused how all of this came to a head and I am the bad person.  I don't even know him and he doesn't know me.  How do you judge someone on something they know nothing about??  Then just a few weeks ago my grandaddy passed away, I didn't attend the funeral because I didn't want to cause any "waves".   So now my nephew, Zac has passed on.  He was the son of the brother I'm referring to.  I am heartbroken for him and I remain in this state of wanting to reach out, but there is nothing to reach out to.  I have been basically shunned by part of my family and I don't know why.  In fact, I am not even mentioned as his aunt on the obit. ( Just simply don't exist).  I may not have been around them all my life, but I still had love in my heart for him and I only wanted to be apart of their lives.  I just wasn't given the chance!    Over the past several years I have gone up there on my travels and my brother didn't even try to meet me half way.  So, what do I do?  I guess I just continue doing the same thing, know that I have this family and realize they don't want me.  I am this "redheaded step child".  It hurts and today I really hurt for the lose of their son, Zac.  I cannot even begin to imagine all the pain they are feeling.  I pray they find much comfort and I want to tell them that, but I can't.  Just on a guestbook on their son's site, it just isn't the same.

Happy Turkey Day everyone!

I have been sooooo busy.  I haven't even had the time to come do any updates.  The talk I gave at MCG to second year residents went excellent.  I was very nervous, but I managed to get it done.  Once I got up there I was able to hit the main points.  I have been asked to do this again next year.  As I do it more times I'm sure it will become much easier to do.  I really felt that people went away learning something or taking another angle about obese patients and patient care.  Several students came up afterwards in support.  I have been asked to give another talk sometime in the next few months to surgical techs. 
Kenneth and I went to a wedding this past month, had a great time.  We have always been very much homebodies.  I still find myself enjoying staying home though...  I'm not sure if that part of me will ever change.  We also went to a Halloween party.  Had a very fun time.  Another thing out of the "norm" for us, but we really enjoyed it.  
I have been super busy at work.  We will soon have another surgeon joining the bariatric program I work with.  I'm excited about this because it shows that things are growing.  Each day I am thankful to see the many changes that are happening with our patients.  I have so much fun being able to visit our patients and help them daily.  
Just finished up my second term in school.  I am very proud of myself.  I once again received A's in A&PI and English CompI.  I'm on to my next classes starting next week A&PII and English CompII.  I'll be glad to have these core classes over with.  It was nice to have a break between classes for Thanksgiving.  School is much harder than I imagined and the time management is very stressful sometimes.  It is hard to believe though that I have already finished 4 classes.  
My weight is still the same, still maintaining my loss.  I can really tell the difference however in newly post-op, 1 year post-op and almost 5 year post-op.  The reality is if you don't manage to change your habits to begin with you'll be back down the same path again.  I really have to watch myself carefully and make good choices.  All that is going on at school and work.  I'm back to making sure I fit in some exercise.  I still have my exercise bike and use it on a fairly regular basis.
In January I plan to attend some educational classes to expand my support group knowledge.  I'm going to meet up with some old friends at a WLS Expo in Atlanta on January 10th.  
You can get more details here:
http://www.lightenupexpo.com/Tickets.htm
It looks like a lot of fun!  Will update again when I can!  


 

Tonight I found out that my granddaddy died.  Unfortunately the last time I saw him was when my grandmother died and it was at that point I realized when Kenneth and I pulled out of his driveway that he would not be with us long.  The over 67 years that my grandparents spent together were great, and with her passing it must have caused a lot of sadness for him.  I can breath a sigh of relief knowing that he is now with his wife once again.  He lead a very long and wonderful life.  I will never forget all the stories he would tell or the games he would play with me when I was young.  He is the reason I am so tall.  He would stretch me everytime I would see him and before long I was as tall as him.  He was a mild soul with a kind heart.

I hope tonight that Shirley and James are once again dancing together.

When I was in high school I focused mainly on my overall grade #, I didn't realize that with a GPA it is figured by the letter grade.  I mean I understood that, but didn't quite understand about how to figure the GPA.  I thought it was a calculation of the overall # average.  Anyhow.....  So far I have a 4.0 because of my A's this term.  I was mistaken, I won't be on the Dean's list, I'll be on the President's list.    I'm still learning this process.  I'm just excited about this! 

I received a call the other day asking if I could come speak to some medical students about my experience with bariatric surgery and anything pertaining to it.   

I did have to question her.... How many people will be watching me???  She told me around 200.....  I'm like.... Oh, I just don't know if I can do it.  I feel comfortable being able to get up in front of patients at the support group, but this is another ballgame for me.  I went with my gut and told her I'd do it.  So now I have to come up with 20 minutes of information.  I'm pretty sure since these are all future doctors, I think it is important to talk about weight discrimination among the medical field in general.  So I'm putting some focus on that, plus I have to just throw in even 2 minutes about Lymphedema!  The last lymphedema conference I went to, they said that there is only 15 minutes spent in most medical classes on the lymph system and VERY rarely do they mention lymphedema.  I have my work cut out for me for the next month on my talk.....    I'm now asking myself, what have I got myself into!  

My final exam and paper have been graded.   I passed both classes!  It should average out to be a 96 in one class and 97 in the other.    It made me feel good to complete those classes.  I have proven to myself I can do this and still work full time.  It is just a matter of balancing my schedule and having some good time management.  I was stressed for a few weeks about my finals, but I quickly realized if you know the material it won't be so bad.  I start my next term, next week.  I'm looking forward to it.   Just keep going for your dreams, sometimes you might think you'll never get there, but you will.  I'm happy to be living out my dreams and starting to achieve these goals.
Now if I can just get over this head cold, it came on quickly Friday night, it is better today, but I can't even think with all the head pressure.  One of my cats had gum surgery today.  She had been sick for a few weeks, they thought it was something else, then they said it might be something to do with her teeth.  That appears to have been the problem, she is already acting better after her surgery today.  It could be the "happy" meds though. 

I currently can't reply to Private Messages, if you need to talk to me please contact me at my private email amylhwilliams@aol.com

OH Magazine just recently did an update on past member stories.  I was included in the update.  These are all very inspiring stories!  Check them all out here.
http://www.obesityhelp.com/ohblog/mode,content/cmsID,12445/

Mine is below

Paying It Forward

Amy Williams - Featured in OH Magazine 2004 Issue 4

“I was originally featured in OH Magazine with an article on a condition I have, lymphedema, and my struggle with obesity. Since then, I have lost over 400 pounds, and four years later have maintained my loss. I have undergone a tummy tuck and arm lift. Losing the weight has greatly improved my lymphedema and my life has done a complete 180.

“Although lymphedema is something I will always struggle with, it hasn’t stopped me from living out my dreams. I have done things I never thought possible, like driving a car again, riding in an airplane, starting an OH support group, doing patient advocacy work for lymphedema and obesity, speaking at an ObesityHelp event, doing an update show for MTV’s True Life ‘This is me now,’ and so much more.

“I now continue to pay it forward to the bariatric community I have grown to love. I work with a local hospital’s bariatric program as a bariatric patient advocate; my role impacts the lives of hundreds of people. It brings me great joy to know the work I do will potentially improve someone’s life and there are no greater words than to tell a patient, ‘You are approved!’ God has blessed me with a second chance at life, and I don’t take one minute or breath for granted.”

 

As most of you know I started college courses this summer.  I have had one of the best experiences so far!  I have been very reluctant to go back to school after graduating.  It was not because I did not want to go back, but I had all these fears.  When I was growing up I hated school.  In fact I considered myself a smart student, but my grades did not reflect my abilities.  I would consistently go to school with horrible knots in my stomach.  I was teased a lot growing up because of my weight.  I hated going each day just because of those knots and not fitting in.  So all this time my past has stopped me from achieving my dreams.  I have been working very hard and it is paying off.   All of my major projects and exams this term have all received A's.  I am working very hard to get a high GPA.  The term is almost over and I should make the Dean's list.  I reflect back on my school years and I want to kick myself for allowing others to hurt me so bad that my work reflected it.  I could have done so much better. 
I am so thankful that I work with the people I do.  They have encouraged me to reach out for continued education.  My family has been very supportive and encouraging.  This term has made me realize how proud I am of myself for taking control of my life in so many aspects.  We should all dream big!  We can all accomplish our goals and dreams!  We do not have to settle for what life gives us, we can keep breaking through our road blocks! 

Stay encouraged!  I miss you all!

For the past several weeks I've been waiting for yesterday to happen.  I'm very sad that it is already over though!  The last time I saw my surgeon I'd lost right around 250 pounds.  I was only 11 months post-op at the time and found out he was moving away.  I was so bummed to hear about him leaving.  I found out a few weeks back that he was coming to speak in Augusta.  I was so thrilled to hear about it and quickly tried to find out how I could go.  I was able to talk with some different people and they said I could come.  All day yesterday I had butterflies in my stomach.  I just don't know how to explain how much this man means to me.  It's almost like someone that was just dying who was suddenly saved from drowning.  I don't know how it feels to drown, but I equate the feeling of being "rescued" to him.  Just one of those people in your life you'd do anything for because you feel like they have given you so much.  I know most surgeons just can't understand why we feel this way about them.  Some people don't feel this way about their surgeon, but I do....  Anyhow, after long last.... I walked in, he had no idea I'd be there.  I was with the surgeon I work with now and he went up, said hello and then said someone is here to say hello.  Dr. Martindale's face lit up.  He gave me the biggest hug!  I couldn't help, but think to myself  (HIS ARMS FIT AROUND ME!)   It took all I had to not just break down like a baby crying.  I pulled myself together.  He told me how great it was to see me and what a surprise and how good I looked.  I stayed to hear his talk, which was very interesting and then got a photo with him.  I once again was very sad to see him leave, but I'm happy he is out educating people about what he loves most.   
This is our updated photo


On a side note, college is going great!  So far I'm keeping my grades up.  We've had several assignments and I've had high scores.  I'm maintaining an A.  The harder classes are to come, but one of favorite classes this semester is Medical Law and Bioethics.  That is a very interesting class.  I'm enjoying the case studies, those really make you think!  I'm looking forward to Anatomy and Physiology I in September.

I miss not being around here as much!  Take care and go live out your dreams!