ObesityHelp

Finished up the interview last week.  It turned out good.  It was a busy week.  I have my new term starting this Wednesday.  My books for this term are HUGE!   My medical coding and insurance class has 7 books!  I am feeling a bit overwhelmed looking at the books, but I keep telling myself I can get through this.  My final grades posted and I got A+ in both.  In fact my one class on Microsoft Office 2007, I got 100%!  Whoohooo!!

Here is the link to the NBC update
http://www.nbcaugusta.com/news/topstories/44551522.html

Today I have been doing a lot of thinking.  Here I am on the brink of being 5 years post-op and each day I think of all the wonderful things I can do now.  The things I did not think I could do and I am so grateful.  Some of you know that when I was in high school I was made fun of on a daily basis and because of this my grades suffered.  It was hard for me to focus any energy into my studies and I thought very low of myself.  Many times I would "fake" being sick just wishing I would not have to go to school.  It became a source of torment for me and I would literally end up in the counselors office because the thought of suicide was very real.  Looking back it still is a source of pain for me, but I have slowly in time started to heal the hurt and wounds.  They say that words do not hurt you, but they did for me and I still work on those deep feelings even now after being out of high school for almost 15 years.  I have many regrets now because I did not go after my dreams of going to college.  The great news is that even though I did not go back right out of high school, I am now!  I just wanted everyone to know that it is never too late to start after your hopes and dreams.  They are right at your grasp and nothing should stand in your way.  If I only knew what I know today and felt about myself today life might not mean as much to me.  They say that things happen for a reason and I believe that because of all I did go through growing up although painful it has taught me not to take things for granted and be a person who does care about others.  I just received my grades back from this term and I am still getting A's.  I still remain very happy and excited about all that has been given to me.  My lesson for the day is NEVER take anything for granted, each day is truly a gift.  When they day ends as my mother tells me you should learn one new things.  Most importantly is continuing to "Pay It Forward" for others who are behind you, whether it be in life or on this journey we all have it in us!! 

On a side note, I was recently contacted by my local NBC station to do an interview from when I was on MTV's True Life.  The interview is set for tomorrow and to air sometime this week.  I'll keep you posted on the air date.  I'm excited to continue to share my story with others in the hopes that people will see that even after 5 years this still works! 
 

Well, a lot has happened since I last posted.  I'm now almost in another term with school.  Even with everything going on last term I did get all A's again.  I'm still holding strong on the Dean's List.  I'm very happy and proud of that.  Work has been very busy.  I am still loving it.  Each day brings on new people and situations.  The doctors I work with are great.  Things just continue to grow.  The hospital I work with is about to undergo their Center of Excellence inspection.  We are all looking forward to that and opening the new bariatric wing!  Very exciting stuff! 
I haven't updated my photo in a little while, so I decided to take a new photo.  Still look the same!  It is hard to believe that next month will be 5 years since my surgery.  So much time has past and I cannot believe how much my life has changed.  It is truly amazing. 
My dad was in the hospital the past few weeks, a lot going on there.  He was septic again.  Thankfully he is back home again and is doing pretty good! 

Here is a recent photo



I think about Doxiemom often and have missed her very much, this continues to be tough on me, but God gets me through each day.  I'm very blessed to have a wonderful husband who listens to me each night when I need a shoulder.  It is the best feeling in the world to know you have someone who is your best friend and husband!  I'm certainly lucky!  Life is great!

Well, it has been a rough week.  I am still quite sad and I miss Doxie a great deal.  I am feeling somewhat lost right now.  It is almost like I am just floating around not knowing what I am doing.  I am still managing to do all the things I need to do in my everyday life, but I have a hole in my heart.  Just a hollow feeling there, almost like this empty feeling, I cannot even imagine describing it.  I am sure I am not the only one to feel this feeling.  It isn't a good feel, quite a lot of sadness.  Thankfully I have moved past the crying spells, but it just isn't the same. 

I have to tell everyone, that all the wonderful messages I received have helped me a lot.  I am lucky because my job keeps me quite motivated.  I came to the realization Friday when talking with Dr. Chasen about cross addictions.  I now realize that I have one.  I am addicted to work.  Then he asked me an interesting question and I had to think very hard about it.  What am I hiding from?  In some aspects I am not hiding from anything by working as much as I do, but on other aspects, maybe I am actually hiding.  How do you deal with something you cannot do anything about?  These are the questions I started to ask myself after talking with Dr. Chasen.  He certainly made my mind start to ponder his statement.  So I thought about this all weekend and I have started to understand what I am scared of and what I just don't know how to deal with.  My parents are both ill and have been for many years.  I know even as I write this that my mom is telling my dad, listen to this.  She reads my blog.  I just feel that although this might be something she will tell me "don't worry" about, I still do.  My parents are both in a situation that I feel helpless about, I feel like our roles have reversed since I lost all my weight.  They both have cancer, they are both pretty much homebound.  Although they still get around by a scooter, I see the effects that cancer and other things have done to them.  I want to just wave some magic wand and they are both healthy adults.  It has come down to feeling like I am helpless because there isn't anything else that can be done for their cancer or health.  This is not the way I wanted to see things happen.  I should be out shopping with my mom, doing those girl things, but for the past several years between me being ill and them being ill it hasn't happened.  What would it be like to just be able to see my mother walk again.  So then I think about how they must have felt for me, all those times when I would be on the couch and so helpless.  Did they feel the pain I do for them?  The sadness of wanting and wishing there was something to do.  It is very painful.  I just often times don't want to think about it, and just want to escape into a world where things are ok.  Life certainly isn't fair, they say that a person is only given as much as they can handle.  I wonder sometimes, God really must think I am made of stone because I have been thrown a lot of hard obstacles and they continue to be thrown my way.  I am not complaining, I am just thinking of how I deal with it all.  I have to admit that I am doing it very well.  I have times I want to just go eat the house out and that is how I dealt with my emotions before.  So now my new addiction is working and school.  I am determined to show myself that all this time everything I ever wanted I can achieve.  It can be done, although it has been a slow process I am getting to that point.  I need to keep doing this otherwise that close reality is right there (food) and easily to go back to.  I have to keep my mind occupied or else I will be back into that place.  I am just thankful I do have a job that I enjoy so much and all our patients give me great hope and so much happiness to continually witness life changing events for them.  Kenneth gave me the serenity prayer on a plaque for Christmas, I have it in my office and each day I am starting to realize just how true that old saying really is apart of my life.  I just have to enjoy what I can and realize there are things unfortunately I cannot change.

On a happier note.... I took my finals the week before last while everything with Doxie was going on and I was amazed to have still maintained A's in both classes.  I'm on to my next term starting this Wednesday in Medical Terminology and Computer Technology.  I am already reading into the 2nd chapter for medical terminology, I am really enjoying  the reading.  The breakdown of words in the medical world certainly makes it a lot easier to understand how they work together as one word.  It is very cool. 

This past week feels like a twirl wind. 

Over  6 years ago I joined an online community (Spotlight Health) looking for information about the LapBand at the time.  This was my first real introduction into the internet message boards.  I was very guarded at first on what I would write, but over time I started to write more.  I am glad that I did.  One of the first people I become friends with online was a sweet lady named "DoxieMom".  She was quite a character.  Eventually we started talking on the phone and before long become very close friends.  I have to admit however that being I had been hurt before in friendships that I remained shielded for some time.  Doxiemom's real name is Joy.  Joy was always upfront and never left you hanging about how she felt about things.  You could never get off the phone questioning that.  During this time I was homebound, Doxie sent me many cards of encouragement and gifts.  She was a sweet person.  She has always been very private about her life online and I totally understand that.  Many nights when I was feeling down or depressed she would talk to me and just make me laugh.  She could make a bad situation good.  When I was thinking about moving on to another job, it was her help that pushed me to make that change.  She told me that I had so much to offer and that I didn't need to remain trapped within my house.  It was a hard choice to make, but I did it.  She was right!  It was a good choice.  She told me that I really needed to expand my education and not be scared to show people what I can do.  I honestly owe her a lot because she taught me a lot of things.  I am very reserved in the friends that I make, she was one of the few people I could truly count on for anything.  I could call her up and she would lend an ear and give advice.  We met several times when Kenneth and I would go to Orlando.  She was just a great on the phone as she was in person.  Unfortunately Doxie never had children, she would often  refer to me as a daughter. 
So this leads me to what happened this past week.  Doxie had become terminal very quickly (cancer again) after being in the hospital and then rehab since November.  They sent her home last week on hospice.  I called her husband and we discussed that I would come down Sunday.  By Friday evening she took a huge turn for the worst.  I called Kenneth at work just balling my eyes out saying we have to get there!!  We left right after he got home.  By 6am we arrived, she was still breathing, but in the final moments.  I was able to talk with her and she could not speak, but she gave signs that she could hear me.  Kenneth and I had been driving all night, so we stayed for a few hours and then needed some sleep.  Around 1130 the hospice nurse called us with the news.  She had left us.  It was almost like she had been waiting, I am just thankful I made it before she left us.  I kept praying the whole way down to give me time to see her before it happened.
I miss my friend very much.  My heart is hurting so badly.  Today was her beautiful funeral.  She passed away in Orlando with her friends and family, and then they placed her in North Carolina.  It was probably the hardest thing I have had to do.  I wanted to make sure her family knew just how much she impacted my life.  I asked her husband Coy if I could say some words during the funeral.  I managed to pull it together and was able to stand up to share just how much she did for me over these years.  I am proud to have had her as a best friend and I look forward to seeing her again one day.

This is my dear friend, Doxie.  I miss you.... 




These past few months just feel like a dream that I will eventually wake up from.  I wonder sometimes how I hold it all together.  This has been so hard....

Geez!  I need to get to updating my profile.  A lot has been going on over the past several months.  I am over half-way done with my 3rd college term.  Happy to report still making high A's.  Frankly I'll be happy when thise term is over with.  A&P has been very interesting, I have learned a lot of things I didn't quite understand.
The week before last I went for additional support leader training with BSCI.  I learned some new tips and tricks.  It gave me some new ideas, in fact while at the training a great idea suddenly came to me.  I tried it at this past meeting by breaking the group down into smaller groups.  I received a lot of good feedback about this.  I think it made it more personal.  I know people don't feel comfortable when you have a large group, so this really seemed to work out good. 
At the BSCI training I had a "moment".  We were asked to divide up into groups to present a BSCI topic.  Our group happen to get "Pay it Forward" as the topic.  This of course is a topic near and dear to my heart, because I believe fully in giving back to not only other patients, but in life.  Anyways, we were divided up with 3 people in the groups total.  I was working with Tracy and Sandy.  We prepared the topic and I volunteered to be the leader.  Everyone else presented their topic and we were last.  So I started talking and then we just talked on the topic of paying it forward.  I mentioned ways of giving back like posting on message boards.  After giving the topic Sandy started up with our game.  She suddenly stopped and wanted to add to what I had said.  She said that it had suddenly occurred to her that when she had needed support she went to ObesityHelp, it was there someone had taken the time to respond to her postings.  I was listening very closely and then she turned to me and said, "It was you".  It completely caught me off guard and it touched my heart very strongly.  It certainly tied into our topic, but it also made me realize that such small things can make HUGE differences for others.  It made me even more happy to be apart of the work I am doing now.  NOTHING makes me happier than to watch the changes that our patients undergo and in that moment I truly realized even more how blessed I am to work for the bariatric program that I do.  I love our patients! 



This is a photo taken a few months back for a magazine article on our Bariatric Program.
We are missing Dr. C and Cat though!    Time for an updated photo.





You can almost see the tears in my eyes here as I am hearing what Sandy said



Just happy to be there!



Our awesome BSCI training group



Ok I'm officially addicted to my Blackberry!


I have been asked to come speak at a local technical college this Friday to upcoming surgical techs.  I am really excited to do this.  It will certainly be great to talk with them about patient sensitivity.  I think that ANYONE in the medical field can benefit from obesity sensitivity training. 

The past few days have felt rather rough for me.  I am hurting.  My heart is hurting.  My emotions are very high.  I'm sure that if any of my family reads this they may be upset, but at this point this blog has been the place I could share how I feel.  Although this is about my family, it effects ME!  It makes me want to go eat something and I haven't been able to sleep because I am so sad.  My nephew at only age 22 passed away this week.  He was involved in a horrible accident.  My mom called me and my heart just broke.  It is such a weird situation because my brother (half brother by marriage) has decided along the way that I mean nothing to him.  The problem is.... I never was given the chance to know him, so why he doesn't want to be apart of my life, I may never know.  When I was born he was almost 17 years old, so I wasn't ever close to him from the start.  As I started to grow up, it was very hard for me because my nephews and niece were all very close to my age.  It didn't help that we lived in Georgia and they all lived in Kentucky/Ohio.  It was an odd feeling because I never felt like I was close to any of them just simply because I was a "half" sister and we didn't grow up together.  I hope that makes sense.  It does to me anyways.  I feel there is somewhat of a resentment about me and I haven't quite been able to understand it.  I think that is the part that makes me confused.  I was a child like their children.  I didn't choose to live where we ended up living.  I didn't choose to not be apart of their lives.  When you are a child yourself, how are these choices something that I had any control over.  So fast forward to now.  My grandmother died a year and a half ago, I go up to see her at the hospital before she died and I'm told by this brother, that he "hoped she didn't know I was even by her bedside".  Can he possibly understand how that must have made me feel and it was all based on what?  Again I will never know.  It was at this point when I left Lexington I realized I don't have any family.  It was like a trip of closure for me, because I wasn't "wanted".  Although it hurt me I cannot change the past and I cannot change anything that someone may feel.  I just remain extremely confused how all of this came to a head and I am the bad person.  I don't even know him and he doesn't know me.  How do you judge someone on something they know nothing about??  Then just a few weeks ago my grandaddy passed away, I didn't attend the funeral because I didn't want to cause any "waves".   So now my nephew, Zac has passed on.  He was the son of the brother I'm referring to.  I am heartbroken for him and I remain in this state of wanting to reach out, but there is nothing to reach out to.  I have been basically shunned by part of my family and I don't know why.  In fact, I am not even mentioned as his aunt on the obit. ( Just simply don't exist).  I may not have been around them all my life, but I still had love in my heart for him and I only wanted to be apart of their lives.  I just wasn't given the chance!    Over the past several years I have gone up there on my travels and my brother didn't even try to meet me half way.  So, what do I do?  I guess I just continue doing the same thing, know that I have this family and realize they don't want me.  I am this "redheaded step child".  It hurts and today I really hurt for the lose of their son, Zac.  I cannot even begin to imagine all the pain they are feeling.  I pray they find much comfort and I want to tell them that, but I can't.  Just on a guestbook on their son's site, it just isn't the same.

Happy Turkey Day everyone!

I have been sooooo busy.  I haven't even had the time to come do any updates.  The talk I gave at MCG to second year residents went excellent.  I was very nervous, but I managed to get it done.  Once I got up there I was able to hit the main points.  I have been asked to do this again next year.  As I do it more times I'm sure it will become much easier to do.  I really felt that people went away learning something or taking another angle about obese patients and patient care.  Several students came up afterwards in support.  I have been asked to give another talk sometime in the next few months to surgical techs. 
Kenneth and I went to a wedding this past month, had a great time.  We have always been very much homebodies.  I still find myself enjoying staying home though...  I'm not sure if that part of me will ever change.  We also went to a Halloween party.  Had a very fun time.  Another thing out of the "norm" for us, but we really enjoyed it.  
I have been super busy at work.  We will soon have another surgeon joining the bariatric program I work with.  I'm excited about this because it shows that things are growing.  Each day I am thankful to see the many changes that are happening with our patients.  I have so much fun being able to visit our patients and help them daily.  
Just finished up my second term in school.  I am very proud of myself.  I once again received A's in A&PI and English CompI.  I'm on to my next classes starting next week A&PII and English CompII.  I'll be glad to have these core classes over with.  It was nice to have a break between classes for Thanksgiving.  School is much harder than I imagined and the time management is very stressful sometimes.  It is hard to believe though that I have already finished 4 classes.  
My weight is still the same, still maintaining my loss.  I can really tell the difference however in newly post-op, 1 year post-op and almost 5 year post-op.  The reality is if you don't manage to change your habits to begin with you'll be back down the same path again.  I really have to watch myself carefully and make good choices.  All that is going on at school and work.  I'm back to making sure I fit in some exercise.  I still have my exercise bike and use it on a fairly regular basis.
In January I plan to attend some educational classes to expand my support group knowledge.  I'm going to meet up with some old friends at a WLS Expo in Atlanta on January 10th.  
You can get more details here:
http://www.lightenupexpo.com/Tickets.htm
It looks like a lot of fun!  Will update again when I can!  


 

Tonight I found out that my granddaddy died.  Unfortunately the last time I saw him was when my grandmother died and it was at that point I realized when Kenneth and I pulled out of his driveway that he would not be with us long.  The over 67 years that my grandparents spent together were great, and with her passing it must have caused a lot of sadness for him.  I can breath a sigh of relief knowing that he is now with his wife once again.  He lead a very long and wonderful life.  I will never forget all the stories he would tell or the games he would play with me when I was young.  He is the reason I am so tall.  He would stretch me everytime I would see him and before long I was as tall as him.  He was a mild soul with a kind heart.

I hope tonight that Shirley and James are once again dancing together.

When I was in high school I focused mainly on my overall grade #, I didn't realize that with a GPA it is figured by the letter grade.  I mean I understood that, but didn't quite understand about how to figure the GPA.  I thought it was a calculation of the overall # average.  Anyhow.....  So far I have a 4.0 because of my A's this term.  I was mistaken, I won't be on the Dean's list, I'll be on the President's list.    I'm still learning this process.  I'm just excited about this! 

I received a call the other day asking if I could come speak to some medical students about my experience with bariatric surgery and anything pertaining to it.   

I did have to question her.... How many people will be watching me???  She told me around 200.....  I'm like.... Oh, I just don't know if I can do it.  I feel comfortable being able to get up in front of patients at the support group, but this is another ballgame for me.  I went with my gut and told her I'd do it.  So now I have to come up with 20 minutes of information.  I'm pretty sure since these are all future doctors, I think it is important to talk about weight discrimination among the medical field in general.  So I'm putting some focus on that, plus I have to just throw in even 2 minutes about Lymphedema!  The last lymphedema conference I went to, they said that there is only 15 minutes spent in most medical classes on the lymph system and VERY rarely do they mention lymphedema.  I have my work cut out for me for the next month on my talk.....    I'm now asking myself, what have I got myself into!