angel22_99
Am I really going to do this?
May 21, 2014
Today was a good day. Whenever I have days like this I try to temper my happiness because I feel like I need to be prepared in case the bottom falls out. I pretty much feel like if I can make myself be a little sad on a happy day, nothing bad will happen...it's like my little version of Murphy's law.
I found out the initial insurance requirements for my surgery yesterday and they aren't too bad. Besides the usual stuff like being heavy enough for the surgery and going for a psych evaluation, I need to prove that I have done at least six months of a diet program like Weight Watchers or something through a doctor. This was easy, but more on this in a little bit.
When I first read the insurance requirements, I thought the six months of a weight loss program had to be within the last two years (but I was wrong because I don't live in Maryland and my employers insurance policy is self insured). And since I have not done a structured weight loss program in the last two years, I was both happy and sad at the same time. Part of me wants the surgery done yesterday and another part of me can't believe I am going to mutilate my body to fit someone else's standard of what is an acceptable weight. I still have this little fairy tale in my mind that I will lose this weight on my own. Since the plan said that I just have to do some program, not necessarily through the bariatric office, I was imagining I would join my mother on Saturday mornings at Weight Watchers for the next six months! I was calculating in my mind what the total weight I could lose before I am under 40 BMI...AS IF!! LOL
So as I was saying, I was reading the wrong part of the policy and the weight loss program doesn't have a time frame. Now I'm the type of person who throws everything out (actually, I shred it!). For some unknown reason, I kept my Weight Watchers attendance cards from 2002 and 2006! I nearly threw these out a few weeks ago, but for some reason I decided not to. How depressing was it to review these cards? In 2002 I did Weight Watchers from the second week in January to the first week in September--nine months--and I lost a whopping 41 pounds--in nine months! It dawned on me that I can't keep playing with the same five pounds for months at Weight Watchers, I need to lose some serious weight. To make matters worse, I started this diet a couple weeks after my first child was born, I was 303 lbs. So today I am 15 pounds heavier than I was a month after giving birth.
When I did Weight Watchers in 2006 I started out at 217 pounds and got down to 203 pounds in a month. I was coming off my Medifast diet and I thought I would let Weight Watchers "teach" me how to eat correctly, but the last week I was there I gained three pounds and didn't go back. So much for that. If I could only go back to my 2006 self and urge myself to stick with it. I keep thinking how happy I would be to be 200 pounds again...but if I really think about it, when I was that weight I was still disgusted with myself and wanted to lose weight. Will I ever be happy with my weight?
So now I wait. I want to schedule the surgery as soon as possible, but my work schedule is going to be very busy in June, July, and August, but I would like to get it done while the kids are at summer break. Then, we were supposed to take a trip to Upstate New York in July. Do I make plane reservations or should we drive or should we just skip it? So much to decide and all I can do is wait. And am I really even going to do this?