aniduff

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

Hmmm...well so much for the plan of staying single and doing lots of dating.  I have found someone....someone different than anyone I have ever met...and he feels like that too.  I invision my life with this man...wow hey, kinda scary to feel these feelings so early in a relationship...but they are there...and I haven't even left this living arrangement with Ray.  We tried...well, he tried to wait until I left this house before we made love for the first time, but it just seemed to happen...of course I am very persuasive, lol!  I spent the night with him, and it felt so wonderful to be laying in his arms, to hear him, to feel him, to smell him...to touch him....Ahhhhhhhhh....falling in love has got to be the best feeling in the world.
I got the townhouse for sure...just in case I haven't mentioned that here already...now just waiting for the call to find out when I get in...hopefully by the 15th! 
Applied for a position at work...I think I have it...but just waiting for the call to tell me for sure...Darlene did call this morning to ask if I would be interested in a couple other hours with another fellow too...but that is starting at 7:45, and frankly...I just don't want to have to be up and out of the house that early...not if I am getting new clients in my home...I don't want to commit to a couple other hours if I have to get someone up for personal care.   So, still hoping for the 10-2 shift and then I will pick up other hours when I can.

Well, still much more up than down..but still having moments too.  I am really frustrated with this rental company..now they are claiming that I don't make enough money, so I have to add Kyle to the lease.  GGgggrrrr....more paper work and more driving all the way down there, in between working, and trying to play...lol.
The dance instructor for the 2 step lessons I want to take called me last night.  The price is really, really reasonable so I phoned Joanne, a new friend and asked her if she wanted to go...just left a message cuz she wasn't home...so I hope you will like to go.  Sybil is better today after suffering a bit of a crisis on Tuesday...I am glad I was there to listen..sometimes just getting it out, and crying and asking why helps.  I don't feel like crying much these past couple days...things seem to be moving in the right direction...either that or I am just too busy to let my emotions get the best of me.
I have messaged a man back and forth from one of my online groups, and will be setting up a meeting with him...He is very intriguing...I think I really like his soul...not that I am looking for a soul mate...but I think we might become friends.  Another couple of men also seem quite nice, so I will set up meetings with them too...
Anyhow, hmmm....I'm feeling hungry, so I think I will go and eat something now...then off to work!

Last night I had a very nice drink with a very nice man...nothing for long term, thank goodness, but great eye candy all the same...and a fantastic kisser...I may well have found my boy toy...but we will see...I have couple other dates lined up too.  THe only problem is he is in Edmonton...so I can't just call him up for a booty call...oh well...I am not doing any of that yet anyhow, so we will see how things progress...LOL
Ray got his new tooth tonight...finally...he does have a beautiful smile...lol  Things are okay on the home front...at least today they have been. 
I am having heartburn tonight..something that is really rare for me..it must be the stress...but it will disipate I am sure. 

Feelings...
Hmm..feeling really good and really horny after my meeting last night...at least I know my parts aren't dead.  Feeling frustrated that I can't get out of here sooner...but all in good time!

So, I went and met a nice guy...too nice tho...not enough bad boy in him...not that I am looking for a bad boy so much as someone that stands up for what he believes in...and isn't afraid to defend his family and his friends..and his politics and his religion...I keep having this little voice telling me I am being too picky...but you know what...I am not settling next time around...I will not!!!  I want some fun...and I don't mean sex...I mean fun!  I want to be a little bit redneck..and it seems that so many of the men are too business like, or too unemployed...hmm...not worried...no need to worry about it...lots of time for that...and coffee's are nice...
Almost met another wack job again today too...thank goodness for devine intervention...it didn't happen...but I didn't hold my tongue back in an email...I let him have it...and it wasn't pretty!  But he was an asshole and deserved it!  I just feel for the next woman that he meets, or tries to meet.
Next coffee date is tenatively set for Monday evening...I really think I am going to like this guy...I hope so...he seems nice online anyhow.  and maybe just a little bit rough around the edges...but I do like my men that way...so long as they are teddy bears at home.  Not an easy combo to find...LOL!
Oh well...nothing much to add..that was my exciting day.  I did email Niel...and let him in on all that is going on.  He is married, and we are not having anything weird going on...I just met him on line and really liked him, and we have chatted and met before...just not doing married men... he is one that I don't think is happy, but not ready to move on...so I am not going there.  But he is a great friend too..and always makes me smile.  And yes, I know he is NOT playing me.  I think I am pretty perceptive with people...he is genuine...I told him he had to be my girlfriend today in the email because Sybil is away for a few days...LOL  I am sure he will get a kick out of that. 
K, well, that's it for now

Why do some people have to make up rediculous stories about things????  This is my question...I think I am being more than fair in leaving...I am not kicking him out of this house, I am not demanding we sell it, I am not taking everything...I want to be fair.
Last night, my first husband called, to talk to my son...We were out dancing...so I guess Ray told him all kinds of bullshit...He told him that I was leaving because he wouldn't buy me a new set of tits...Yes, I got pissed off!!!  First off, the tits are coming, and they aren't costing me or him any money!!!  Regardless...he seems to want to make this all about money...I guess we could...I could be one of those bitches that take every last thing...I could hire a lawyer and take him to town if I wanted too.  I could take half of his pention...I could take the dogs, I could take more than my fair share with a good lawyer...I wont, because I am not one of those bitches, but I could...So he is telling me that Wayne and he had a good conversation about me...and Wayne told him that I used to take all his money...I told Ray that I didn't need to hear about it...I said, "Come on, you have lived with me for damn near 20 years."  That shut him up!  I also told him that if he wanted to make this about a set of tits, then I would start discussing the real issues with family too...Then he said he was only joking....of course he did...he doesn't want me airing the real issues with family or friends. 
Last night was fun...went to Billy-Bobs and had a nice dance...got to people watch...chatted with a couple guys...but you know, going to the bar with your son, isn't the best means for chatting up men..LOL  Oh well, for now, this is a good thing...Keeps me from doing something that I promised I wouldn't do until I left...I am sticking with that!  Can't wait to get out of here...LOL!!!!!
So, the place that I want to rent is going to take a little longer to be ready than I had hoped..but probably only by a couple of weeks...so that will just give me more time to pack stuff up.

*sigh and deep breath*...Things are getting a little tougher now...but I am handling it...been out all day, and going to work in half an hour. 
Went and looked at the 5 br, and it is beautiful, but in being honest with myself, that is just too much for rent...If somehting was to happen, and I lost another client...Kyle and I could not manage...so I am putting an application in on a town house that I looked at...it was dirty...but it will be cleaned up...3 bedrooms up with a full bath, 1/2 bath on the main, and a bonus room in the basement with a full bath, which would be my room....and it is pretty spacious for a town house...and there is a dishwasher and a little yard for Austin...so I think it will work.  Phoned the girl back and will be putting my application in for it. 
Ray is angry today...and asking silly questions that I am ingnoring...like why didn't you tell me you hate me?  I think I made it pretty clear I do not hate him, and I told him that.  Of course, statements like, so I guess your Mom and Sybil hate me too...or their happy about this...Silly stuff...telling me he wouldn't help with the debt because he just thought I wanted plastics...how rediculous is that...Yes, I want plastics...yes, I want help with the debt...is that too much to ask...to be ingnored over and over again...and then he said the rest of the letter was just lies...Whatever...I said if you feel that my feelings are lies then I am sorry you feel that way.  He also asked me why I didn't just go live at my moms...errrr...cuz I am 46 yearss old, and have a kid moving with me...and I own half of this house too...so I will move out when I am ready...it isn't pretty, but it is tollerable. 
I feel pretty stressed today...really stressed..I guess, looking for a home, and figuring out how I am going to manage for the next couple weeks with Ray....it isn't easy.   Everyone around here just seems sad....sad, but having happy moments.  anyhow, I guess that is enough for now...I will post more tonight when I get home.

9:35 pm,

Got home about 15 mins ago...had to restart the computer for updates..and it is not working right...it needs to go in, but that is just something else that is going to have to wait.  Man, sometimes I wonder...(fear) am I making a mistake...I was thinking about that tonight.  I know by Ray's comments that he is sooooo sooooo deeply hurt.  He told me that the letter I wrote was all lies....I don't get it...I didn't lie or exsaserbate (sp) the issues...I just layed it on the line...said how I felt...I told him that, that must mean that my feelings are lies...and that ended that conversation.  ...but am I doing the right thing...of course I am...I can't stay because he isn't happy...I'm NOt happy here!!!  Perhaps, you know, if he would have worked with me on some issues...I could over look the others...You know, I found out just the other day, the last family BBQ we went to...Ray had a couple of beers, which I was pissed about, but didn't say anything in front of the family, cuz it is my family (you would have to know them to understand this statement.)  Apparently he told all the guys that he liked working away from home because he could let loose and tip a few without me knowing...How's that for trust?????  Fucker!!!!  He will no doubt start drinking his life away again...oh well, I can't worry about what he is gonna do...it is his life, he is a old man...he will make his decisions as I have choosen mine.   I sometimes wonder if I should tell him, that if I hadn't choosen to leave, I would be having an affair.  That is something I promised him I would NEVER do!  And I haven't.  I feel very good about this.  You know, I have been  on a dating site, but haven't found anyone that I want to date yet...I have had a few coffees...and more than a few good offers from some hot, young, strong bodies...the kind that make you tingly, just looking at them....well, had a few offers from them too...but I have refused...I will not do it until I leave.  I remember how badly I was hurt, in a past relationship, when that partner screwed around...I promised myself at that time, I would never accept that, EVER in a relationship...and I would NEVER do that to another woman, by sleeping with her man.  You would not believe the married men..."NOT looking to change anything, just some fun on the side...PPPpffffff!!!!!!!"  I put right on my profile, if you are married and not looking to change anything...then go work on your marriage!!!!  Asses!!!  and they still message me...WTF...take off, and in a hurry buddy...wouldn't want you even if you did leave her, cuz 5 years from now, you would do the same thing to me...a cheater is always a cheater!!! 
Anyhow, some of them seem really nice...but looking for love...and I am not...I am looking for freedom, fun, and maybe a little fuckin' in there too....(sorry if you read this and are offended...but I am 46 and too young to live as old as I have been living!)  There is a song that Tim McGraw sings...called, "Live Like You Were Dyin'"...that song is my life line right now...the chorus is,
I went sky divin', I went Rocky Mountain climbin', I went 2.7 seconds on a bull called blue man chew...and I spoke sweeter, and I loved deeper, and I gave forgiveness that I been denyin'....that is how I feel...that is what I want to do...I want to live like I was dyin'...not living like I'm dead.
I'm so glad I took the time to come back here and write tonight...I feel so much better when I can say what I am going through, how I am feeling...I am aching in my heart...for both of us...for him because he hurts...for me because soon I am going to be free, and living a life that I "think" I want....No, scratch that...I do want it...I know I want it...I keep invisioning my future..and it looks so bright...I am going to do a vision board when I move, and keep it up in my room.
Well...tomorrow...no work, and the weather is supposed to suck...but at least I can look back to some phone calls on places that I applied for.  Talked to Elin today...right now they don't have any high needs clients...but I can get to high functioning clients...the pay for them isn't great...but the work is a whole lot lighter...don't know how that would work..but willing to try.

Some of the feelings and thoughts are so private...but you know, I really think that to have a record of what I am going through may very well help somone else.  Lord knows, it is a sad, sad fact...Bad marriages don't survive WLS...and sometimes what  you thought was a good one, turns out to be not so good.  You know looking back, I really think I have been lying to myself about the relationship...for years...there has been no intimacy between us for years, not in a husband and wife way...we both just choose to keep it light, we don't want to fight.  He is making little statements now...about me leaving....I am sure he is processing what I wrote in the letter.  I wonder how I am going to handle the promises?  I don't want to tell him it is too late, God, one step at a time....
So I need to journal the bad stuff that I am feeling....and it is hard to go here...I feel a lot of guilt... a temendous amount of guilt.  I am angry, why did it have to get like this, why did he let the love die...why did I??????  Why couldn't he be more ambicious?  Why couldn't he put his things away when I asked?  Why would he ask me to put the "seat" up????  Why couldn't he learn to turn around to shake his hands when he washed them, instead of putting spots on the mirror, after repeated requests...why?????  Why couldn't he make love to me????? (screw me yes, occassionally,  but never made love) ... Lack of respect...really that is what it is....He never did a fuckin' thing around this house...but sure would bitch if the fricken lawn needed to be mowed...or if I let the house work go...get up off your ass and do it yourself!!!!!!  I used to just shut down...cry, eat, watch tv...whatever to ignore the problems...really to the point I was convinced I had a great marriage...
Yes, and on that note, Ray has been my best friend for damn near 20 years...and he is that.  I can see us, 5 years from now, hangin' out, watchin' a movie....He truely is the best friend...and he is friends with all his ex's, wife, and girlfriends....and he can be such a great guy in some ways.  But you know I really think a big part o the connection is the fact that he was so much older than me...He needed to feel young, and I needed a daddy...and in a weird kind of way, that is how it was....He taught me so many things...about life, and people...and can make me laugh like no one probably ever will.  God I miss that Ray...where did he go?  I can not give that up...not our friendship...and I guess that is why it hurts so bad, the guilt I feel...because I know that he is hurting sooooo deeply...I wish I could make it go away for him...He truely is the last person in the world that I want to hurt....but I am hurting myself living like this....I don't need a daddy anymore...I am ready for a boyfriend....
Okay, that was about 20 mins on the bad stuff
Lets try for 20 on the good stuff.
I am really excited to look at this house tomorrow....but holy...it is going to cost me if I choose to take it...got another lead on another house, only a 3 br but the guy is offering a fantastic deal...and taking several applications...so we will see...but that would be awesome too.  Got my house cleaned up really good today...and that felt good...except I accidentally sucked up a sock, so the damn vaccuum is plugged so I didn't get to vaccuum the area rug...which grrrr...oh well, Ray said he will un plug it tomorrow...(I wonder if he will come over and fix the vaccuum when I plug it, after I move????? )  If he doesn't, then I will lug the damn thing outside and beat it...can't stand the cat hair, and secretly looking forward to not have to deal with the cat hair.  Kyle put an add on kijjii for the cats...nothing yet.  I hope some farmers decided they need a couple mousers...
I've been asked out quite a few times...and I have gone for a couple cups of coffee...but nothing special yet.  I really don't want to date yet...I need to take some time.  I am really afraid to get physical with someone...scared they will be shocked and appauled by my nakedness.  God wish I could get the girls fixed right aways...LOL    Ray has spent so long convincing me it is the reason that I don't turn him on...I am terrified of the next man to see me naked... it doesn't seem to matter that it isn't so bad...I fear being naked...I do!
I did a ton of squats today...my fricken butt muscles are so sore...LOL  But it is a good hurt...hope it is doing something for me...LOL

Jeezzz...somebody sure shit on my parade...and in a fricken hurry!!!  So, Friday my home co-ordinator phones me, says we have to have a meeting and it wasn't good.  So she comes over and tells me that Jordan said that he didn't like it when Ray yelled and hit me.  Now, this is Bullshit, never happened...I would NEVER tolorate physical violence of ANY kind in MY home.  She did believe me, but her hands were tied.  So, I told her about the fact that I was preparing to leave...but now, I am screwed because my income is gone...and my savings went to shit when Ray's EI ran out...so now, WTF am I gonna do. 
Well, its done.  I wrote him the letter yesterday, and he read it when he came home from work, while I was at work.  When I came home the only thing that was said was when I asked him if he had found his glasses (lost the day before)  He said "NO, they're gone, just like you."  I just went to bed...it wasn't long after he came in and went to sleep...so, yup, still sleepin' together...but that's it..and that's nothing new..lol  I am not giving up my bed..and apparently, neither is he...
Tonight he got a low B/S and Kyle and I both helped him through it...he knows I still care.  I wonder if he didn't just take a bit too much insulin to see what I would do...silly idea, but quite possible...anyhow, he knows, of course I still care!  But I am not sticking around just to look after him...he is gonna have to do that himself.
Work was awesome, I picked up tons of shifts today.  And I applied for a couple positions.  I also checked out some places for rent...UGH!  $1000 for a dump!  Going to check out a house on Wednesday that looks like what I want....get this $1600 per month, no utilities...Frick..but it is a 5 bd, 3 bath...and it sounds like the perfect size..and if I take on 2 new clients or even 3 maybe...I will be able to afford it...and I can put my check from work into my pention plan, cuz they match you, no matter how much...awesome idea...and woohoo...snow bird life, here I come!!!
Life isn't so bad...it's tough..this week was bad...but it has all kinds of possiblilities for the future...and that is what I really need right now...this is my time to shine...I have grown up, I have arrived...let my life begin!!!

I am so happy to finally be able to write this!
 
Goal!!!!  I hit my goal weight today!  I was not a fast loser, but I knew I wouldn't be.  Too many years were spent yo-yo dieting and I really messed up my metabolism.  I knew the only way I was going to get healthy, and feel good was with Weight Loss Surgery!  I was terrified to have my insides re-routed, which at the time, was my only option here in Canada, unless I wanted the band...I didn't.  So, I did my research and found the best Surgeon and Surgical team in Dr Joya.  My experience was nothing less than perfect.  His team, right from the first contact were wonderfully helpful, and guided me..and answered my billion questions.  My family was really afraid for me to go out of the country, so my Mother came with me to Mexico.  The team, and Dr Joya were not only wonderful to me, but they were very accomodating to her as well!  She still to this day raves about the care I received.  One nurse for 2 patients...and the cleanliness of the hospital was amazing...I mean truely amazing!!!  I have never seen a hospital here even close to the way that hospital was kept.  My Mother and I were looked after completely once we landed in Mexico.  And the hotel...Oh, the hotel..was so beautiful.  We opted to have a beach side room after my hospital stay, and it was a wonderful way to recover.  We watched a wedding one night, and cruise ships pass everynight...and the sunsets were amazing.
Anyhow.  I had my VSG on April 17, 2008.  Today I reached my goal August 4, 2009.  I should again state that most people do lose much quicker than I did, and I wondered if I would ever really get here...but I have arrived and there is NO turning back now!  This surgery was simple...and the post op diet is easy.  I think having the ghrelin removed from the body does wonders...and I honestly don't understand why so many are opting for other surgeries, but of course that is my personal opinion.  I never feel starved like I use to.  I do still feel hunger...but it is more of a..Hey, maybe you should eat something...Not an...I'm gonna die if I don't eat soon.  I can eat about 3/4 of a cup of food at a sitting now...some days more, some days less.  And you are thinking, "how could that ever satisfy me?" I know, I used to think that too...but trust me...it is very satisfying.  I love that I am not limited on what I can eat...although I did limit my carbs to healthy choices for the first 6 months or so.  I have never been one to stick to a diet...I just love food too much...so, yes, I still indulge, but I indulge in a bite or two...not a plate or two.
My health is now excellent.  I went from being a type 2, insulin dependant diabetic, to a person that shows no signs of ever having diabetes...and that alone was worth every penny I spent.  I also used to take a lot of antidepressant medications...at present I take none.  I am not saying you will get off of them, because some of us never can..but I did.  I don't suffer anxiety like I used to.  I don't isolate myself like I used to.  My life is all about go, go, go now...my engine is reved and there is not telling what wonderful prospects my future holds.
Thank you Dr Joya...really, Thank you...you saved my life, and you gave me the tool to make it worth living.
Sincerely Greatful
Anita M Duff. 

Alright!!!  It took me 15.5 months to do it...but I have arrived!  I am so happy about that.  Wish that others fronts were just as happy, but they arn't.  You know how they tell ya that WLS can be really hard on a marriage?  Well, I guess I am living proof of that.  It is over...at least in my mind it is.  I can't unfortunately just walk away because it is my money that is invested in this house...and I will be damned if I am going to lose it.  So here we sit...He is in the living room and I am in the bedroom.  He refused to make love to me, so fuck it!  I don't need him, or his snide comments...He can take his dry drunk and stuff it up his ass as far as I am concerned.
So, the next few months will no doubt be very difficult.  I have to figure out a way to get myself out of debt...or at least reduce my debt to something managable if I am taking on all the mortgage...It is doable, but I am going to have to be very dilligent.  I have not discussed any of this with him...He knows things aren't right I think...but he doesn't want to talk about it either.  I think that the age thing has just really come into play...and I am too young to be living with someone who is ready to retire.  I only wish I would have seen this coming 5 years ago...it would have been much simpler to walk away then...OH well, live and learn, live and learn!
Physically, I feel fantastic...which of course comes into play with the above as well...because I am so longing to "feel" alive...to feel loved, to feel...well, bluntly...I would love to have some sex!  I am afraid to even open that can of worms right now..cuz I know once I let her out...she is NOT going to want to crawl back inside...and that would be a real problem with the living situation...Oh hell...One day at a time...Let go and Let God and all that stuff...trying to keep myself sane.  Just for today...I will keep my legs together...and my mouth shut..What a life...frick..LOL!
Emotionally...actually one would think that I would be a basket case...but I guess that's when you really know it is over...I am not.  I do not fear being on my own...not one bit...Looking forward to some dating action..and not afraid I will be alone for the rest of my days...not a chance on that...I know Mr right is out there..and he is probably right under my nose.
Geez...just reread what I wrote...seems it all comes back to sex...must be my age...LOL 
So, I joined a dating site...just to see what is out there...Hmmm...lots of different ducks, that's for sure...and the married men...holy...I think that is sad...they all say they don't want to change their situation..Just lookin' for a good time...WTF...go fix what's wrong in your marriage buddy!!!!  I am not going to be ANYONE's second!!!!
So, I guess this update wasn't so much about the weightloss...just me, my thoughts and feelings.  I am super happy to finally be at goal.