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Before & After There are currently no before and after photos for this member. See these instructions if you wish to submit your own Before & After photos. Latest Surgery Support Comments No comments posted yet. Please post yours. Click here for the surgery support page |
My Story Hi. As of today I've lost 160 lbs since I began this journey. I'm coming up on my 2 year anniversary and so many things have changed..some for the better, some for the worse, but all for the purposes of self discovery. I am many things. I am quirky, engaging, talented, fierce, and positively beautiful... I am a survivor of Domestic Violence. For 16 years I suffered.. I kept the weight on because I could not fathom physically fighting this monster back. The bigger I became, the less this monster's blows hurt. The more food I consumed, the less I felt like my world was crashing down. For food had never called me a "mistake", had never choked me, had never bullied me in school, raped me; food was my sword and shield of relief in a world of monsters. That's the nasty thing about monsters though. When they know you can't fight them back, and they mutate and change and keep finding new ways to harm you. At the age of 22 I began working out and preparing for my Duodenal Switch Journey. I had dieted on and off for years, starved myself, harmed myself, tried absolutely everything... I'd been begging my PCP at the time and my parents since I was 15 years old to permit me to have RNY surgery, dragged them to seminars hoping they'd change their mind once if they just heard one more fact, or one more positive thing about surgery. My former PCP is highly anti-weight loss surgery and the way I was mistreated in her office stuck with me....to this day I don't have a PCP.( and that's something I'm going to work on actively..as a D/s'er I know that doing damage to my body is a hard limit! ) See, my family is old school. As in, if there's a storm outside everyone is expected to shut off EVERYTHING and sit still. :) My mother is a 62 year old spitfire who will cook you a full course southern meal with 3 different from-scratch desserts before you can say, "food coma". She may not have the eyesight for, nor does she know how to work a laptop..but you can bet this woman will blow up my cell phone with texts consisting of "aa..ji" or something similar :) at 10am when she's trying to figure out how to put Mrs. So-in-So's number in her contacts list at choir rehearsal. :) She's 4'9 and 1/2" (precisely, mind you!) and has a twin sister. My mother is one of the sweetest women on this planet. My mother did not give birth to me...but she raised me as best she knew how. She is also the world's biggest enabler..bless her heart. Quite a few of the abuses were exacerbated because of the way things were handled with her. My father is a proud older man. He is exuberant, and has a laugh that can be heard for miles around. He also has a temper... which as an overweight unmedicated ADHD, Learning Disabled kid I frequently found myself on the bad side of. Needless to say neither of them were exactly in favor of me using insurance to help with any Weight Loss Procedure. In fact, I'd even gone as far as to volunteer for the TOGA Study as an adult, and they took my keys the day I was to drive to the 1st evaluation. They felt WLS and exercise would not work for me. That I did not possess the strength to do something like this. At 22, I was living a life I frequently stated I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. I was so SICK! Sick of the abuse and the injustice. Abuse which even today is met with fierce denial, shaming, blaming, and reprimands with cluck'd tongue insisting that I keep my mouth shut because it could get the monster in trouble... 22, and I was miserable when I found a journal I'd written in High School caked across the pages was what I knew to be my own blood. Written on the pages were a teenager's screams for help. Wounded cries to The Creator from a teen who just wanted to be liked..not bullied, raped, hit, tormented and abused...This was a physical reminder... of all that I'd endured. This was the journal I'd been writing in the very first time I was seen for Bariatric Potential Candidacy at 16 and already well over 300 lbs. It's amazing...all that teenager wished for was to be a normal weight, and not be hit or bullied. 22, and I was attempting to end my life; a cord I'd cut from a vacuum cleaner won in some vocal competition served as a noose; I was both literally and figuratively at the end of my rope. You know... that's the curious thing about cords. My vocal cords are so incredibly strong; they carry whispers of joy, cries of despair, elation, rage, and a myriad of other things I must've felt the day something inside me snapped, for the cord I was attempting to end my life with snapped.. I remember slowly sitting up... feeling as though the pain would never end... and even worse I felt as weak as I had been previously told I was...because I'd botched my own suicide attempt. Domestic violence shaped a lot of the way I perceive things today..but the day I chose SELF preservation over abuse and mental subjugation I realized I wanted to truly live my life. I want to travel to exotic locales, sing on cruise ships, go skydiving, rock climbing... I wanted to fall in love with the woman I knew existed inside. She was there..underneath all the rubble, all the hurt, all the garbage, bullying, torment, and God loved her. I needed to love her just as hard. I have spent the past few years working on myself, working through the PTSD I have as a result of my experiences with domestic violence, and learning to love every bit of my body. I am an empowered woman who embraces her curves, her intelligence, grace, style, and cooking skills! I've got a Bow Flex Body on the way, underneath all this extra skin. I'm a Lifelong D/S'er in so many ways it's ironic..and quite frankly I get a giggle when I think of just how the initials D/S have affected My life in different ways. I'm a commanding presence. I've been called a force of nature. I truly appreciate the opportunities choosing the empowered path..to health and wellness have afforded me. I'm somewhat introverted but truly wish to engage in communication with people on this site. I struggle, I succeed, I cry, I laugh... I experience new and amazing things.. I'm 24 and for the very first time in my life I am not obese. I have exercised, cheated, skipped days and even weeks of workouts in favor of sleeping in. I have gone horseback riding, been thrown over the back of a rather burly gentleman and carted off to the top of Pennsic Castle (I'm a SCAdian..) for a stunning view of the night sky... I've loved, lost, gone absolutely bloody bonkers lost my wonkers crazy...I've also belly danced by a fire, gone running, hiking, and learned to love myself again. This site.. was my main resource when I first began this fitness and life journey. I didn't tell ANYONE until after I got out of the OR the day of surgery ...because I knew they'd object. I even ended up having to drive myself home post- open Duodenal Switch surgery for nearly half an hour with my dog while it poured on the Highway the day I was released because my ride resented me having the procedure leaving the "big girl club" and decided she no longer wanted to be friends. You know.. Looking back to the day I got out.. I was alone.. but so determined and empowered. It's amazing; through all the abuse and bullying I suffered before When I was a BIG GIRL- Despite my tormentors, You couldn't do ANYTHING to shake my confidence when it came to performing....I'd rock the stage, shut down the house, and leave them screaming for an encore. My voice rang of pain beyond my years..but no one dared bully or harm me when I sang. The I loved it. I love it. I am a born entertainer.. Reaching for the Stars. :-) The focus on weight loss and exercise and the entire experience of D/s has changed me in many ways. I am here because I am not an expert. I've had my share of cheat days..heck, cheat weeks. I've forgotten vitamins for more than a few days at a time.. there are even days when I don't really eat because I'm not hungry enough. However I am a person of accountability and this is a space where people "get" it. That has perhaps been the biggest lesson of all for me... people who have never been significantly overweight do not always comprehend or understand problems we endure. I'm going to be honest here. I'm a former National Plus Size Teen Pageant Winner. I went on to win the state title of my first Miss pageant..and it was taken away because of weight discrimination. At the time, I thought my world was ending. Nothing of the sort had ever happened... I didn't honestly want to believe such discrimination existed..even through all my experience with both discrimination and abuse. I was 19. All I wanted was to make a difference in the world for those who had it like me growing up and into adulthood. My mind..was just shattered over what happened. "You were never supposed to win, just place 3rd or 4th" I was told after the pageant. The director complained of how I ate too much, and even went as far as to state that the National Pageant System I'd competed in and wasn't "real" because it was for women size 14+, and that my reign as a "plus size" queen was illegitimate. I hurt so very deeply over this, because at the time I was an ingenue. Naively oblivious to the harms of the world... Prior to this experience one could spit on my backpack and push me against a wall (indeed it happened) and due to my history of abuse I'd likely just try not to let the bully see me cry and take it out on my skin when I got home. The director has since been banned, the entire State Level has been re-vamped to promote healthy body image, intellect, beauty, grace, and the ability to let your inner WOMAN shine. Want to hear a secret? I'm competing for the state title next week. It's been over 5 years. I know that things are different now, and this system is one I am so very passionate about and winning would afford me such a bigger avenue to spread my platform of Domestic Violence Awareness. I know that I can do this... but there is a major part of me that worries.. I have SO much extra skin and other things going on that it's become painful for me to workout. It's not coming off any time soon on my college kid budget. It's heavy. It hurts, and for nearly 6 months I've been stalled at or around 190 because of the pain and open sores I keep getting from the skin rubbing together. Open sores that haven't healed for over 6 months. It's difficult doing this on my own. Partially because I have been conditioned not to ask questions or for help. The unasked question remains unanswered, right? I'm more than a little apprehensive at the prospect of calling my Dr, getting stuff checked, the process of having skin removed, etc. It's killing me..because this body..MY beautiful body can do things like run, and pirouette, and attempt Parkour, and TURBOKICK until the cows come home...don't get me started on what I can do on a BowFlex, or about how losing weight in my legs has made rocking ridiculously HIGH heels on stage while jamming out at karaoke or performing for a concert totally AWESOME. This pain though... the fact that I'm lugging around a skin caboose and though logically I realize this is a legitimate issue, part of me feels as though I am not doing enough even through the pain. That's where determination comes in, huh? I'd love to hear from you! I loved being a bbw, but it kept me in chains blocked, beaten, and worn out just like a slave to D/s I'm impressed by how far I've come but in reality I knew that I would overcome- You see no man can tame Me, They tried to break me raped me, made me believe I wasn't even good enough for G-d, but you see.. the Most High had other plans for me I respect My Temple and you praise that, sweet as a Peach yeah I know you wanna taste that...;) See I am Virtuous Woman, A Woman of Valor A Woman who has many faded scars from violent battles. How oft I'd pray to my God and the father of neven to kill me.. I'd scream "I'm already dead inside!!" as those muscles ill'd me I never asked for any of the hurt and the bullshit When I was little I couldn't even have possibly understood the ramifications their rams in my nation would ever bring forth. But I am on fire, this is rebirth A Phoenix, I "gotta get back to Hogwarts" The Fat Girl in Me will always love sweets... sweet company, love, and strawberry cheese- Cake, I can BAKE! And I who would have thought that this life that was nearly lost by self inflicted gunshot 3/24 I found my strength and I'm the One! You cannot harm someone who's so fecund. |
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