so, yesterday i had a crushing day which made me face the reality that I'm really, really miserable in houston. and i'm not sure what to do about it. i would like to lay in my bed all day and feel sorry for myself... that amount of self-pity is shocking to me, but i feel like i should own it. one of my best friends is visiting today, and i'm hoping i'll feel better this evening with him. my aunt is returning on tuesday, which is a concept that sends dread through me. i hate it when she's here. having my own retreat is the only thing that keeps me functioning in this world of bare minimums. don't eat too much, don't sleep too much, don't play to much. bleah.

i didn't have a lot of work this week, so i was able to exercise extra. that plus shakes has enabled me to be skinnier than i have ever been in my adult life- 177.4 lbs. that's less than 18 lbs from goal. the more i lose the fatter i feel though, which is a bit of a bummer. my skin hangs all over me, and it's really gross. today is my 1 year surgery anniversary. honestly, i don't feel regret over the surgery... my overwhelming feeling right  now is just, 'wow, if it could be 1 year ago  now.... i'd still be in miami.... even if i was 265 lbs, it wouldn't be that bad cause i'd be home.'

now, there is no home.

so, i still hate houston. and life in general is just so... monotonous.

i managed to bust off a few pounds. with the grueling work hours, protein shakes, and exercising. amen for all that. i hung out with a guy from church today and that was really nice. his name is aaron

i'm not sure what to do about andrew- part of me wants to ditch him, part of me doesn't know what i want. part of me is still hopeful.

eh. life

well, might as well start with the bad news. even though i packed beef jerkey, wheat crackers, and tried as much as possibly to follow my diet while i was gone, in 5 days I gained 6 lbs. so now i'm back to the heaviest i've been since I moved here. bleah.

got back on the bandwagon of healthy living/eating today, and it felt good. overwhelming at times, but good. it had been a long time since i managed to go running, so that was the hilight for sure. i'm gonna get this weight off, if i have to starve it off pound by bloody pound.

in other news, things are looking up. most noticably, financially. i guess i was really worried that i would never be able to support myself, live on my own, etc. but I'm proving I've got some strength in me yet. truth, i'm living for free currently, but i could honestly now afford to pay a modest rent. it's surreal. i'm so on top of my game.

what's even more encouraging is that i can kick the fear once and for all that my giving nature was tied to my over abundance. sure, it's easier to share/give when it's not a sacrifice, but now that it is a sacrifice, I've found that I've given more, and splurged on myself less. i realize and rejoice that for me, I will always work to have enough money to buy a plane ticket at the last minute. it is important for me to be able to reach my friends, whatever the cost. it's also important to me that when i say, ''I support you.'' it means more than just through prayers. it means that i will be in that trench with you, and that i will work with you to get your needs met. that has been a source of great joy and contentment for me. hospitality wins, at least in my heart.

so, two great experiences tonight. one, my Miami hurricanes won out against a brutal top 10 team. oklahoma brought their game, but the canes really stepped up. [which is very good considering last week's v-tech game. ugh] second, I made out with this guy who I've been seeing for awhile. I was wondering when it would happen, and I guess he did a lot to kinda warn me. I felt prepared, and I wasn't anxious. I definitely enjoyed this experience MUCH more than the other- being with someone I am attracted to, and someone I know a little better and trust a lot more, definitely altered the dynamic in a very pleasant way. I wanted to touch him all over, I wanted to wrap my arms around him and pull him closer to me. i'm still not much of a tongue fan, but it's fine, whatever. i'd much rather you kiss my neck while i pull at your hair....ahem. um, anyway, i loved when he held me. he is managing to make me feel small, which is sexy as hell. he treats me well and he's involved with his church. i honestly don't know if he loves God, and that's a major concern, but time will tell. until then i'll enjoy that i can smell him on me still, and that my lips are slightly larger but i have no bruises or marks.

working all the time has killed my running game- i went today when i got off early, but after 15 minutes i was ACHING. my stamina has suffered greatly. thankfully, the scale has not. thanks to 12 hour/day shifts of no sitting. if it gets rid of the last 20 lbs, it will be SO easily worth it.

g'night

so, the Dallas OH event was great times. I liked the speakers, but I thought they were going to be the hilight of my trip. well, they definitely were not. meeting all the others from the 20's board was definitely way better. loved just getting to know people my own age that I could be really open with, who were just a great group of people and very accepting.

another worthwhile thing that happened was meeting a bariatric nurse who told me some stuff that was great to hear. 1. I'm not just a failure- my pouch was made way too big. 2. there are options, possibly including the new rose procedure, but I don't have to give up 3. insurance that covers bariatric surgery would also cover me getting things fixed. I had no idea how much anxiety I was carrying about all this because I just felt like I had failed again, and I was cornered and miserable every time I stepped on the scale. Now, I have hope. I know that I won't go back to being obese. I can't. it's a terrible way to live.

work is okay- standing up a lot, i get home pretty tired. we got some new staff, including a kid who is [literally] a clone of one of my best friends at 20- it's crazy. What's crazier yet is that all the accompanying emotions i had from those 19-20 year old interactions come flooding over me every time I repeat them at 22. I have a HUGE desire to have this guy listen to me and take an interest in me [not romantically, just, at all], I want to know about him. just in general, when he's in a room with me, I'm way more aware of him than I am of anyone else. I find myself nervous when he is just joining up, elated/heart racing when he touches me, and I ALWAYS feel abandoned/left/sad/not sure exactly, but it's bad, when he leaves. i fight for his attention. I considered telling him that he reminds me of someone I care about a lot, so as to kinda explain myself, but then I realized that i was back as a 20 year old, hiding all of it anyway, so I wasn't acting like a moron, just thinking like one. so, I'm trying to be disciplined about things, remind myself that stu is not jon, and avoid/lessen interactions with him. honestly, it's such an emotional rollercoaster- and for a transference attachment, not even a real one. so yeah, bleah. yesterday I just wanted to bawl- I think the reaction my heart had to stu made me realize how much I missed jon, and how much he used to care for me. and how much I fight to act okay when all the while I'm not. I'm certainly not. i continue on my way, but I'm lonely, and moments like yesterday pointed that out in a way that made me very uncomfortable.

179.8 today, which was good. I'm contemplating going on a hardcore diet to lose the last 20, if exercise will help me keep it once I'm there. i lowered my beef jerkey intake and started bulking up on more veggies.

it's getting late, love to all my OH peeps
ann