So, i'm trying to take some responsibility for reality, and that's hard. it's hard when it's so out of my control not to embellish on either side, either to make myself feel better or to "scare" myself into action. I guess I have some conflicting accounts weighing in, and right now, I just want to lay all that shit out so I can deal with it.

1. The least I ever weighed was 173 (but this was at camp, in the first week.. realistically, the least I ever weighed was 175 and I was fluctuating between 175-178 toward the end of my time in Houston.

2. I gained weight when I was at camp, but I also gained muscle mass, which is currently deteriorating at a steady rate, leaving me with icky fat. When I returned from camp I weighed in at 189.

3. This morning I steped on the scale and I weighed 185. So, 10 lbs up from where I was, if I'm honest.

4. Even though I haven't gotten much heavier, my body "moved around". Now, I tend to believe that every part of me is bigger, but I don't actually know this, and probably won't until I measure myself (gonna get that done sometime this weekend). Specifically, my boobs got bigger (Not that I'm complaining- its nice for them to have a little bit of fat there) and my arms also got chunkier. But, with that, there's hardly any more "jiggle". My skin is MUCH more firm than it was before. But a lot of my clothes are too tight now, and I don't know what to make of that.

5. When I let exaggerations control, I spiral into this crazy unhappy psycho control freak. Yes, this is my life. Yes, I will struggle with my weight for the rest of it (barring a miracle probably in the form of a RNY and a tummy tuck- dream big). BUT I've done a lot, and my situation isn't hopeless if I don't let it defeat me.

So, the game plan is to stick to what I'm doing, try to run a bit more, anxiously await the arrival of a replacement fitbit (dear God I miss that thing) and don't sweat the small stuff. Like the dove chocolate with raspberry filling. It happens. And hey, if I want to be a control freak with the food I eat, I'll do it to prove I'm that diciplined and only as "push" for a short time- not as my new lifestyle. Nothing that isn't sustainable can be added. I don't want to set myself up to fail anymore. I can't always be hungry. If that means I'll never be a size 6, fine. As long as I'm not a 14.

Law school is getting easier. I like the work. I wish I was more active, but I guess that's just normal practice for life. I'm glad I can write all this out- I haven't had someone to process with in awhile. I miss my OH buds and I wish I could go to that stinkin conference and reconnect.... we'll see, right now I'd say it's unlikely. stinkin school.

anyway, that's me coming clean. we'll see what happens when I am able to measure myself