I'm so happy to report that I weighed (weekly weigh in) and finally the scales moved from 212 to 210.  That is a very slow loss but I haven't been trying.

It does help me to want to get the mojo back and drop so more lbs!

yay me!

I used to always keep journals...all throught out highschool, college, YWAM, and into my life in Mobile.  Then i developed RA in my hands and it often hurt to write.  I quick journaling.  that may have been a mistake.  I hurt now...so excuse the improper grammar, lack of caps, etc...I just need to get some thoughts out.  a friend of mine started an online journal and i've been readin it and it has made me remember how helpful it is to keep one..to release all those thoughts, it's an anxiety reliever; perhaps even a stress reliever.  I have felt so anxious lately. ALL the time...and I eat eat eat those feelings away.  that has to stop...OBVIOUSLY.  maybe this will help.  i feel like it will. 

i feel like crying right now.  i seem to be a person who sees the glas half empty.  i don't care for that about me. i am mostly unhappy these days. for various reasons.  i am very busy with the 2 jobs and now adding turoting to thurs nights.  I am lonely as well.  It just never really goes away.  i sometimes wonder if it is a 'grass is greener on the other side thing".  i long for a family of my own.  I am often jealous of other families.  ie jenni, connie, margie, even benita.  i just wasn't meant to be a loner.  i always loved dorm life...i liked my private room, but loved having friends in rooms all around me.  i want a family ( a husband, pets, step kids, gran kids) to share family times with on weekends.  I have wanted this FOREVER it seems. i look in stores, like target yesterday and i see ugly fat women with husbands who are not ugly and fat.  i see on facebook ppl i used to know from college who are married and they were very uncool ppl and they even have a "DH".  god i hate that term "dh"....i hate reading in blogs and posts..b/c i wanna be able to say it too.   sometimes, like today, i abhor being single.  like this weekend for instance...a hurricane is coming.  I will have ot pay calvin to come over here and board up my wdws, etc....   I can't even afford that.  that is another whole issue.  I am so damn broke.  it's my own fault but it has created so much stress and anxiety in my life.   I am tired of "being on my own" of being responsible for everthing on my own.  of paying bills on my own, of handling every disaster on my own.  I want the support system a husband or family offers.  i want someone who loves me unconditionally to be there for me in the good and bad.  i want my own "family" to fall back on from time to time.  i wanna be a "we".  It is such a damn couples world.  I',m so sick of it!  I really am. 

then there is sex.  I WANT IT.  but i want it in a loving relationship.  i just think life could feel so much easier and more managelable if  you had that loving connection with a husband who is a family man.  I feel empty much of the time.  and often like like is passing me by.  i feel very sad when i picture my life coming to an end and i never found love.  i was never in love again after (mike).

all of these issues sabotage my weight loss.  the band is great, but i still wanna eat ALL  the time to get some relief from this anxiety.  from these fears, and feelings of failure and feelings of being unchosen (like volleyball) and feelings of emptiness.

i must say i feel a little less crazy getting this out.