It's been awhile since I posted here so I thought I would jot down some thoughts for posterity's sake. Today marks 11 weeks since surgery. I am down from 265 to 220 so that is a 45 pounds loss.  I actually had lost the 45 pounds by 9 weeks post op and have been in a 2 week stall.  this is my 3rd stall since surgery.  My body seems to be starting a pattern.  I am so early out from surgery that  I have no idea what is "normal" for me and what isn't.  It seems that I lose gobs of weight for 2 weeks and then stall for 2 weeks.  I am not sure if anyone else goes through that but I find it very frustrating. My pouch seems to be made of steel. I can eat just about anything I put into it. Don't misunderstand me, I do not not put high fatty foods or high carbs food into it. And I most certainly never ever put sugar into it.  I just mean I can eat meat, pork, chicken, fish, any types of veggies.  I feel pretty lucky in that regard. I have never felt naucious nor have I thrown up. I haven't had any pain since 2 weeks post op which was just normal healing from surgery. I can directly attribute the "easy" time I am having with following the rules. I do not drink liquids 30 mins before or 30 mins after eating. I take very small bites and chew, chew, chew before swallowing. And I take my time eating. I, personally, am not having a problem with any of those rules. I am glad I spent soooo much time researching this surgery and talking to so many post op people before deciding to have this surgery for myself. I feel I was completely prepared for what I was getting myself into so I really haven't had any curve balls thrown at me. Another observation I wanted to make was about my appetite.  At about 2 weeks post op I was hungry, and it seemed like I was hungry all the time. That lasted for a few weeks. It wasn't until I was about 8 or 9 weeks post op that the hungry feeling went away. Now I find myself at 11 weeks with no appetite whatsoever. If it were up to me I wouldn't eat at all. I find food boring and nothing peaks my interest. That is a very strange statement for me to make, especially since I can tolerate any type of food. You would think I would have enough variety to keep me interested.  But I am having a "mental" issue with food right now. Being in a stall is frustrating. I feel like any morsal of food I eat will only pack weight on me, not take it off. My logical side knows that you have to eat to lose so the metabolism is stimulated and the body doesn't think it is starving to hold into fat reserves. But my emotional side, the side that has doubted myself for years while I was obese, is fighting with my logical and rational side and telling me not to eat because I will get fat. This is a battle of wills I am dealing with and I perservere by reminding myself that food is fuel for the body.  I forced myself to get into the kitchen last night and prepare protein rich foods so that periodically throughout the day I am forced to eat with no excuses.  
Another obersation I wanted to make was about perception. I am now down to 220# and fitting confortably in 16/18 clothes. I have been at this weight before and in my mid 20s lived at this weight for a few years. This weight is not new to me. About 5 years ago at the age of 30 I did manage to get down to about 195-200 which as 14/16 but I was only at that weight for a short period of time. 200 pounds seems to be my magical number.  If I can get below 200 and maintain there I think I would consider myself a total success and anything below that is just bonus. Where I am having a perception issue is that I am now stalled for the past 10 days at exactly 220.  Not 219.  Not 221.  Day after day after day at 220.  I can't help but think this is as low as my body wants to get because I lived at this weight so comfortably for so long about 10 years ago. My perception of myself is pretty good when I look at myself in the mirror. I can defintely see the 60 pound difference from January of this year until now. And I see the Jodi I was 10 years ago.  I wasn't that happy 10 years ago.  10 years ago I thought 220 pounds was the most disgusting thing on the planet.  So I need to break this mental perception I have going on.  I should be proud that I have gone from 280 pounds to 220 pounds in 6 months.  I should look in the mirror and see a much healthier and happier girl.  But I keep looking in the mirror and seeing the 25 year old girl who weighed 220 pounds which at that time was my highest weight.  Right now I would be satisfied with 216 just so my BMI was 34.9 and I no longer qualified for WLS.  Throw me a bone, anything to make me feel like I am getting somewhere.  This is a long and arduous road and without the small milestones along the way we feel like we are simply meandering.

In 2 days I will be 9 weeks post op.  I am down 41 pounds so far. On one hand I am astounded at the amount of weight I have lost in such a short amount of time.  And on the other hand I am not losing fast enough!   I know most of us have body dismorphia and dont see the physical changes in ourselves but I dont think I have that problem.  I can see my face and neck have deflated quite a bit. I can see that my legs and upper arms are much thinner too.  According to the measuring tape I have lost about 4 inches from my waist.  I am apple shaped and the belly is the last place I am losing.  Thats ok though, I am in no rush to get to goal.  I would rather it take me a long time and lose the weight the right way then to hurry to get to goal, try to eat normal, and gain weight back.  I am in this for the long haul and try to remind myself every day to love myself and treat my body with respect.  My problem with food was always an emotional thing.  I ate when I was happy, sad, mad, whatever.  I used food as a crutch. I didnt love myself enough to care if I was destroying my body. My eating was a slow suicide and I knew it and didnt care. I am not sure what made inspired me to fight for my life but once I decided to have this surgery I fought long and hard.  After being diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder earlier this year I found it easier and easier to deal with my issues with food.  My main problem had a name and if it had a name then other people had it and if other people had it then there must be a solution.  I see a therapist every week, and have for the past 4 months, to deal with my E.D. and learn to love myself.  For me personally, the key to my weight loss and maintaining my weight loss is how I view myself.  I have to love myself and I have to respect myself.  The minute I am not vigilant of how I see myself I will revert back to cheesesteaks and pizza and wish death upon myself.  The voices in my head and the battles that used to go on were enough to drive the average person crazy.  I always used to think to myself that if I went out in public the skinny people would all look at me and think to themselves "what is that fat girl doing here in the grovcery store" or "who does that fat girl think she is coming to the bar and thinking she deserves to be here with us normal people".  Crazy thoughts consumed my every day.  I dont have those thoughts anymore. There is no more battle in my head.  I deserve to be here as much as the next person. I am only down to 224 pounds.  I have 69 more pounds to hit my goal. I am still obese. But I no longer hate myself. I no longer wish death upon myself. I actually look forward to tomorrow.