When my financial plans fell through for my scheduled surgery in November I tried to stay upbeat and positive but that has all but disappeared.  I have gained back all of the weight and then some that I worked so hard to lose pre-surgery and have fallen into a deep depression.  I really just don't know what to do. 
I have hopes of possibly having surgery in 2009 but I am not putting too much faith into it.  I just cannot get the money together when I can hardly make ends meet as it is and I see no change for that in the future.  There is no room to save or invest and there is little hope that anything will be different in 2009. 
I have not given myself permission to mourn.  I think I should but instead I feed my face and try to pretend that I am ok.  I am anything but ok.  I am a miserable mess and knowing that I am approved for surgery is more like a stab in the back then a blessing. 
I feel like I owe an apology to anyone reading this,  But I need to have some place that I can say anything and so here I am.  Sorry.

Me