As many of you know, my eldest son is getting married soon. You may also know that when I got married 31 years ago, I had to wear a size 22 wedding dress and back then they didn't have much selection. I had been chubby since I was about 8 years old, but during the 6 months preceding my wedding I gained over 50 lbs and went from being chubby to FAT and I had to wear a size 22 wedding dress. I was devasted. I cried on the day of my wedding because I knew that I was so fat and I hated the way I looked. Like every bride, I wanted to be my most beautiful and I wasn't. My grandmother, who always held physical beauty in high regard, was sure to let me know that I could have been beautiful had I lost weight instead of gaining it. Later, my younger sister married and was truly, magnificently beautiful. I had slimmed down a bit ... to a size 18 and when my grandmother saw my sister she said, "Now Karen is the truly a beautiful bride. This is what a bride should look like. Barbara, if you had slimmed down, you could have been beautiful too." It hurt like a knife being stabbed into me and threatened to mar a lovely moment for my sister.

Now, over 30 years later, my son is getting married. I have a dress I like, but I hadn't gone to a shop to find the 'perfect' gown. Yesterday I did. I can't tell you what it was like to feel magnificently beautiful! I tried on dress after dress and while there were a couple that I immediately said no to, there were several that fabulous. I know that this is what it would have been like to select the perfect wedding gown. I'm so sorry that I wasn't able to do that for myself then, but I'm happy that I can do it now. I can't afford the perfect gown right now, but I have two other children ... maybe, I'll be able to have that 'I feel magnificently beautiful ' moment one of these days.

At my top weight I had to have my rings sized up to a size 10. As I lost weight, I nearly lost my rings a couple of times as they slid off of my fingers. I bought a ring guard and had it installed and it brought them down to a size 8, but that was still too big. With the ring gaurd, I had to wear the rings on my middle finger. I knew that I should get them sized, but I kept holding off because I thought I'd better wait until my weight stabilized ... and to be honest, I've had a nagging little voice in the back of my head telling me that I might want to wait because I might regain. It's still hard to believe that the extra weight is gone ... and it isn't coming back. First of all, I've never lost weight this successfully before and more important than that, I've never kept it off. I know that it's still very early in the game, but I took a leap of faith today that I'll maintain my weight loss and I had my rings sized down to a 6.5. I guess the next step is going to be to purge all of my fat clothes and shoews that were moved down into the basement.

It's time to believe that I'm not dreaming and that when I wake up in the morning I'll still be a healthy weight ... I don't know if I'll always be the weight and size I am now, but I hope that I'll be able to maintain a healthy weight.

Today I'm 136 and holding and if I stay where I am now that will be okay.... While I find the prospect of gaining scary, I really wouldn't mind weight 10 to 15 lbs more. I'm more physically comfortable there, but I'm afraid of gaining ...what if I couldn't stop? For now, I'm just trying to keep my weight from dropping any more.

I have been sending photos all along, but apparently that doesn't 'really' work because there were a lot of OMGs! I was actually surprised that their reaction was so strong because I saw them last October and I had lost much more weight then, than I have since then. By Oct, I think I'd lost about 70 lbs from the last time they had seen me; between October and now, I've lost about another 35 - 40 lbs. so I had lost much more weight when they saw me in October ... proportionately. I asked my sister-in-law what it was this time that made such a difference and she said that even though the change before was dramatic, I still had a 'round' face and that now I don't. She also said that while I rarely was a slim as she saw me in Oct., she had never seen me this thin. She emphasized that I needed to STOP. I told her I was working on that.

I got on the scale today and saw a number I never thought I'd see ... 136. I'm now lower than what my surgeon considers to be my 'ideal' weight. I'm honestly trying to maintain my weight, but I'm finding it hard. I never thought that I'd have to 'fight' to keep my weight up. I know it's not dangerously low by any stretch of the imagination, but I really don't like the result of my current weight. Even I think I'm getting too thin. My face is sagging now, not to mention just about every other bodypart ... neck, chest, abs, legs, arms, butt.

I know that when you are at the other end of this journey, this probably sounds like whining ... maybe it is, but I want the WEIGHT LOSS to STOP! I've increased my caloric intake to 1800 - 2000 calories a day and I honestly can't see how I can get in much more than that. My protien/carb/fat intake is percentage distribution is approximately 30/40/30. 

Now, I've lost about 4 lbs in about a 10 day period. I have lost this much weight in this short of time span since last year. I don't want it to continue and I don't know what to do.

I'm on 'vacation' back home in the San Francisco Bay Area where food is fabulous. I've been enjoying some of the culinary delights available here and on top of that my son's girlfriend came over last night and made the most wonderful chicken enchiladas, spanish rice, etc... While I'm working hard to eat the right kinds of things, I've also been 'indulging' in a few favorites I just can't get when I'm back in NC.

At any rate, I stepped on the scale and I've lost more weight! I'm down to 139! There is a part of me that is delighted and amazed to weight 130 anything and another part of me that's distressed because I'm working on not losing anymore weight.

I would never have believed that I would be this weight ever!