I met with my PCP yesterday to go over my latest labs. We were both delighted with the results. It looks like I'll probably always have to be on cholesterol lowering meds because of a genetic predisposition to high cholesterol, but even those numbers are signicantly improved. Everything else is FANTASTIC.

For the last month or six weeks I've really been struggling with whether I'm really done losing or not. While I'm now technically of a 'normal' weight, it's just barely so. I'm a little concerned about getting much thinner though. It's getting a little uncomfortable to sit in a hard chair and I don't know that I'm too keen on seeing much more excess skin. That said, I'm just barely in the 'normal' weight range and after talking with my Dr I've decided to get back in the saddle and see about losing another 5 - 8 lbs. After all these years, I've found that I truly am 'big boned' ... it wasn't just an excuse after all ... LOL ... so, I've readjusted my 'goal weight' to 145.

I haven't posted any new photos in a while. I guess, I'm not seeing that much of change anymore. I decided to ask my dear husband to take some photos of me yesterday. I tried to remember the one I had him take when I submitted my application to the program at Duke. I remember wanting to cry when I saw them. I'm just standing normally in the photos. Not sucking it in or sticking it out. I had some shots that showed my nasty arms and I had him take front, side and back shots. At any rate, we did a reasonable retake and even I have to say that the changes are astonishing. I put together the photos as montage so that you could see the front, side and back views of the before and after.

When I had the before's done believe it or not, I had already lost about 20 lbs. I weighed about 243 and was wearing a size 22W or a 2/3X. My ring size was a 9.5 and I was wearing a 9.5 wide shoe. I wore size 10/11 panty and size 44B bra.

Now, I weigh 154. I generally wear a misses 6/8 in my pants and a 10/12 in my tops or dresses. My ring size is a 6-3/4. I wear a size 8.5 med width shoe. I wear a size 6 panty and a size 36/38C bra.

My diabetes is resolved and I am no longer on meds to control it.

I just saw my brother today for the first time since late summer. He was astounded. He kept staring at me. He apologized and said that it's just so hard to get used to seeing me thin. A good thing, but it will take some getting used to. I have not been a "normal" size for most of my life. It will take some getting used to for all of us. I have to admit, I still have a hard time with it. I have to admit I'm pleased, but still somewhat surprised when I see the slender me looking back at me when I see my reflection in a mirror or a window, so I absolutely understand his comment.

There is a part of me that worries that this is just a passing thing. That like so many times before, I'll wake up to reality and I'll be fat again. I'm working on it and I hope that I'm able to use this hard one tool to keep it off for good. I'm working on my workbook from the "Beck Diet Solution". I think it's helping. I sure hope so.

I think that as they say, the surgery is only a tool. That's why some people will get in trouble again. You can elect to use it or try to work around it. I've lost about 80% of my excess weight to date and I'm 8 months post op. To be honest while I have lost a few pounds in the last couple of months, I haven't really tried to lose any weight in the last 6 weeks or so. I'm not sure I want to because of escess skin issues. I feel good and look pretty decent in clothing. I'm concerned about what I'll look like thinner, so while I'm not out to sabotage myself, I'm also not working "hard" at dropping the last 15 - 20 lbs either. I'll just have to see.

I have been looking for some tools to help me "think like a thin person." I know that many factors contributed to my becoming fat, including genetics, but I also know that my siblings all carry the same genes and are normal sized. While I'm delighted with all of the health benefits that have come with this weight loss ... and fitting into size 8 jeans doesn't hurt anything either ... I am terrified that I'll sabotage myself and end up where I started. So I decided that I needed to really look at how to also re-tool my outlook and behavior. To that end, I found a great book called the Beck Diet Solution Workbook by Judith Beck. It's not about dieting at all, it's about behavior. About recognizing behavior patterns and reworking things to get and keep yourself in a frame of mind and reference that is supportive of maintaining a healthy weight. They have a workbook that I'm using to try to retrain my thought processes. I think it's going to be a big help in the long run, because like most of us, I have lost weight before. I need to have the tools to keep it off. I think that the surgery is going to be one huge tool in my arsenal, but it is my head that can mess it all up for me in the long run, so I'm really trying to get tools in place to ensure that I use the WLS to it's fullest.

This week I will turn 50 years old. It is the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I have spent this past year working on regaining my health. Now, I'm working on finding ways to sustain and even improve this newfound health. I look forward to it being on of the most personally empowering decades thus far.