Can you spell STRESSSSSSS? I can and I'm hating it right now. My mother used to live with me. We blended households about 8 years ago and it all went terribly wrong for a multitude of reasons. To be honest, I'm sure that there is plenty 'blame' to go around. She used to primarily live here with me and go visit CA. That changed about 18 months ago and she's decided that she's happier in CA. I understand, but can't help feeling both guilty and sad. Guilty that I couldn't 'make it work' and sad that she will be sooooo very far away. You see she's been diagnosed with terminal ideopathic pulmonary fibrosis. She has had a full compliment of Drs on both coasts... In NC she uses DUKE and in CA she uses STANFORD, so she gets good care, but when she saw her pulmonologist here they said that this would be her last trip here. This was just a short 2 month trip and because of what the Drs have said, we've spent the most of the time sorting through and packing up. Because we had 'blended' households many of they things in 'our' home are hers and many are mine. She has decided to gift many items to my brother, so I'm literally seeing my house being 'dismantled' as she gives him a number of the pieces of furniture, art, etc... Of course, some other things are going to others. I know that it's just stuff. I even feel guilty and shallow for feeling attached to these 'things;, but it's still really HARD. On top of this, my husband lost his job in January and has only had one interview, so if something doesn't happen soon, we'll have to put the house on the market and we'll be lucky to come out of it paying off the mortgage and costs of sale. The financial strains are taking a toll on me as are the emotions of packing up my mothers things, having things removed from my house and worrying if I'll even have a house this time next year.

Okay, so now that you get the 'picture' here's the next big stress. Last summer I got down to 132 for a week or two, but I really settled in around 136/8 until December when my husband had his surgery and we found out that he would be losing his job. I started comfort eating. I have struggled off and on and seemed to settle in at a new weight range of 145/147. Well, this past week were able to go to the beach for a few days and I absolutely through caution to the wind and gained 2 or 3 lbs.

My overall weight is still at an 'acceptable' level. The problem is that I've been steadily gaining weight since this winter. If I keep it up, I'm going to be FAT again. I'm trying, but I'm falling a whole lot more than I'm succeeding. I'm terrified. I'm terrified, my mom will die and I won't see her again. I'm terrified that my husband won't get a job and we'll lose our home. I'm terrified that I'll keep doing things TO myself and not do what I need to FOR myself so that I don't really let this get out of hand.

I have the Beck Diet Solution and while I am trying to use it, it's obvious that I'm not doing a great job with it.

The next few days and weeks will be really hard. I have to finish up packing my mom's stuff. I am clearing my china and crystal out of the dinning room china cabinet because my mother gave it to my brother (after she gave it to ;-/ ). We leave for CA before the crack of Dawn so I can escort her home. When I leave, I don't know if or when I will be able to afford to come see her again. I am having a very hard time taking care of me right now.

I met some of my OH friends for breakfast this morning and while I was talking to them about my second year post op and looking forward to my third year, I told them that I think that I think that it mostly breaks down to two things:

What I do FOR myself

versus

What I do TO myself

When I am doing things FOR myself, I find that I'm funtioning in a more planned, thoughtful mode. I am thinking about what will best serve my long term goals. When I think in terms of meeting my long term goals, I make decisions that empower me. They make me feel good about what I'm doing for me. I tend to make healthier decisions because in the long term, I want to live a longer, healthier life and those decisions move me in that direction. This includes decisions about what I choose to eat and activities I choose to engage in.

When I am doing things TO myself, I tend to find that I'm functioning in a reactive mode. When this happens I find that I am being less accountable to myself and tossing my 'plans' out the window. For me, this leads to doing things like reaching for carbs over protien, not going for a walk, etc... I find that these tend to be self-defeating and sabotaging things that tend to make me feel worse, instead of better.

Now, I'm looking at what I'm doing and I ask myself "Am I doing this FOR myself or TO myself." When I take the time to stop and ask myself that question, I find that I more often choose to do things FOR myself.

Two years ago today I took a leap of faith and launched on the journey of a lifetime. I knew that my life would change forever, but I didn't really know what to expect. I hoped that my health issues would resolve. I hoped that my quality of life would improve. I hoped that I would shed the unattractive shield I had carried for so many years. All of these things have happened to me and for me. I didn't really understand the depth of the emotional journey I was embarking on. I didn't really understand that the hardest work was not getting the weight off, but learning to live lean in the long term. I didn't really understand how much I'd have to forgive myself for the trespasses I've committed against myself. I now know that this is an unending journey with a specific destination. This is a journey of personal and physical transformation. 

I have mentioned before that for me the year before the surgery was about recognizing that I needed to make significant changes to care for myself. In the year following surgery my journey was focused on losing the excess weight and marveling at the new 'scenery'. For me the second year was much more about recognizing that I will never be 'normal' and I will always have to actively 'manage' my weight. I wonder what the journey will be in my third year post WLS.