I don't know why it's taken me so long to do this. I think maybe I wasn't really convinced I wouldn't ever need them again ... a part of me still wonders, I've boomeranged before... but the optimistic part of me has decided to take the plunge, I mean if I can have my wedding rings resized, I guess I can purge my closets.

I have to say that it's been a bit like saying goodbye to some old friends. There are some things that I really love!!! Like my Lime Green Leather Blazer, several fabulous suits, a beautiful formal outfit I wore to a wedding, a gorgeous dress I wore for an anniversary event ....on and on. I'm giving some of those special things to some friends that I know will enjoy them. I'm giving some of suits to an organization that helps people who are trying to re-enter the workforce, I'm donating some to other charities, I've set some aside to give away at WLS swaps, and finally I'm selling some. You wouldn't believe how many clothes I have. I could open a modest boutique!

I picked up one pair of slack and held them up. I can fit all of me into one leg. OMGoodness. That's incredible! Incredible that I was that big and incredible that I'm now 'that' small. I will try to get a photo of me with some of my before clothes for posterity.

I was going to meet someone that I had never met before and she asked me to describe myself. I was a little 'stumped' because I was searching for terms that match up to what I look like and what was coming to mind wasn't matching... I used to describe myself as a 'heavyset woman with short auburn hair,' but that obviously doesn't describe me anymore. Then I thought okay, no I'm really an 'average sized woman with short auburn hair,' but then I realized that while I might be on the smaller side of 'normal' sized, I'm not anywhere near the 'average' size 12/14. So then I thought well, I don't see myself as thin, slender or petite, so how do I describe myself? I posed this to my friend and she said you ARE thin... even skinny. I was surprised. I showed he my chest and said, no I don't think I'm thin ... I don't have my ribs showing through my chest. I have tummy rolls. I'm not fat, but I don't see myself as thin either.

I have almost all of my old clothes ... with the exception of some things I have given to friends. I was an incredible clothes horse. I know that a lot of large women have trouble finding anything to wear, but that was not a problem for me. While I might have lusted after some things that weren't made in my size, I had more clothes in my closet that some small boutiques have in their inventory. Many of the things had were things I truly loved... My Lime Green Leather Blazer, some beautiful suits, lovely blouses, funky slacks and skirts... All much too big now... They couldn't be saved by even the best seamstress.

At any rate, I kept moving the stuff out of my closet into my basement closet and I have finally started purging the old and to be honest, often lovely clothes. Some I have given to worthy causes, some consigned, some sold, some just given away.

As I give these things away, I realize that I'm letting go of who I was and welcoming the person that I am becoming. The new me is still a little tentative, but I am slowly learning to do the things I need to do to take better care of myself. That means doing some things that are sometimes uncomfortable, but will ultimately make me healthier and happier. This is flowing into other areas of my life; not 'just' my weight. I'm looking forward to becoming more comfortable with the new person that I am beginning to see and not feel that I need to hold on to who I was, because who I was hurt me.

I have struggled with whether to share this or not. I don't want people to think badly of me. I absolutely am not interested in being berated or flamed. I do a good enough job of beating myself up. I decided to share this because I think that we have demons that we are fighting at one point or another and I hope that in sharing my own failure and fear,  that it will help someone else know that they are not alone and that together, we can conquer and learn to manage our weight and the triggers that threaten our weight loss and/or maintenance.

Many of you have known me for a while already know this. Those who are new may not. I struggle with and often succumb to severe, dibilitating Major Clinical Depression. You may notice that at times, I don't post as much. When I'm struggling, instead of starting threads, I tend to answer other peoples posts more and my answers may be very short ... sometimes people mistake this for my being upset with them, but it's that I'm struggling to think and function.

At any rate, as for most folks these days, life is stressful right now and when you add stress to depression, it makes a nasty combination.

I scared myself yesterday. I was in meltdown mode, crying off and on all day. I had made some cinnamon toast and hot tea for my daughter. I had a small piece. No problem. It's okay. But later, when my meltdown occurred, I had two, count them, two HUGE slices of challah cinnamon toast. It was like I was standing outside of myself having an out of body experience as I watched in terror at the old me and my old 'coping' mechanisms in full swing... It was terrifying and I couldn't, wouldn't stop. I just melted further into a deeper puddle of tears with the desperation, anger and guilt that surrounded my unteathered actions. I was amazed at how 'easily' I was able to gobble down the toast and how much I was able to consume. Of course, I didn't come close to dumping.

I was able to get myself stitched back together and I made better choices during most of the rest of the day, but the shear force of the urge to 'comfort' myself with food and then following through as I did, terrifies me and with good reason, I think. I don't want to end up where I was and I know that it's a slippery slope that I fell on. I was searching for answers and went to my 'toolbox' to try to figure out how I could have lost control and how to get it back. I lost control by not following my plan. I didn't stay 'true' to the plan that I've set out for myself; I ate standing up, I ate something that I hadn't planned to eat,... But while going through my Beck Diet Solution book, I also realized that we all make mistakes and that is exactly what this was; a mistake. I now have recognized some of the reasons I got here and what I can do to avoid doing it again. The day was not lost. I didn't have to give in and trash the rest of the day, week, month ... etc, giving in and giving up as I would have before. Instead, I've picked myself up and am in the process of trying to clean myself up and get back on firmer ground.

My husband and I have been married for over 30 years and we were High School sweethearts. In high school I was overweight and by the time we got married I was obese and over the years became morbidly obese and stayed that way until my recent memorphosis. My husband has always 'chased' me 'round the room, but this morning while I was putting lotion on my legs I told him that I wanted to ask him a question. I told him it wasn't loaded and there weren't any right or wrong answers; then, I took a deep breath and asked, "I know that physically I've changed a great deal in the last year resulting in a slimmer me, but with a LOT of extra skin." So then I asked, "Did you find me more attractive before or now?"  He said, that I know that he found me attractive before and he still does now. He said that he's still getting used the new Barb. He said that he had 35 years with the rounder version of me and only a few months with the newer, trimmer version and it's still taking some getting used to. I can understand that, because I'm still getting used to me too. He also said that regardless of the package, that he loved me and finds the person that I am beautiful.

I think it might just marry him again!