the process of resolve

"I have so many things to do today that include;
paying fines that I have accumulated over the span of the past year,
a large and filthy smelling pile of dirty laundry
that starts next to my bed
and stops down in the basement next to my silent washer and dryer,
overdue scheduled vehicle maintenance of my vehicle
that I don't want anymore
but am still making payments on,
and dozens of additional tasks
that are just as unpleasant.
Why don't I just run out in front
of a fast-moving garbage truck you ask?
Hmmm, good question!"
- blogger Joe Frawley

 
It's only day 3 of my food diary
and I'm already learning quite a bit about my eating habits.
I'm an unapologetic grazer.
Yes, yes, yes, I know we're not supposed to graze after bypass or banding for fear that we'll out eat the surgery.
I know.
I get it.

But if I'm hungry I'm going to eat.
If it's stomach hunger, emotional hunger, mouth hunger, *heart hunger or whatever hunger, if it's there, I'm feeding it.

*“Heart hunger” or “emotional hunger” = We feel an ache and emptiness in our hearts due to unmet emotional and/or spiritual needs. Rather than acknowledge our feelings and work through our issues, we try to fill the void with food. Or sometimes we try to use food to “stuff” our feelings down. Although there can be physical discomfort in the gut when we’re upset, it is a distinctly different sensation from stomach hunger.

- Finding Balance

 

 

I can make good choices about what goes into my mouth.
Good,
better,
more nutritious.

Last night I had the late night munchies (I get them every night).
I ate sugar free jello, 3 raw peppers and some almonds.
Hey, it's better than "slider" foods like cakes, pretzels or ...or... other pretzels (I don't eat chips so, what else is there?)

My appetite is HUGE at night.
My appetite is so-so during the day.

I find it very easy to eat like a gastric bypass patient during the day.
Then nighttime hits and I'm ravenous.

I'm probably legitimately hungry. I could be depleted.
How would I know??
I haven't had ANY blood work done since the surgery.
My surgeon is fit-to-be-tied over this, but what can we do?
I have no insurance.
If I can't pay for the blood work, it ain't gettin' done!

But there's a solution.
As part of my catch-up-on-paperwork effort I filled out all the necessary paperwork for Charity Care at my hospital in Summit (where I go for my check-up from the neck-up).
I'm sure I'll get approved.
Then my neck-up doc will write a scrip for blood work and send the results to my bariatric doc.
I'm just waiting for that approval to arrive in the mail.

And yeah, I'm tired.
Draggy, sluggish, half asleep, possibly anemic.
There might be a medical reason for it.
It might be fixable.

My '5 Minutes a Day in 2009' project will help me take care of business so I can better care for myself.

I'm learning to do my 5 Minutes of stuff in an as-you-go fashion.

I'm creating the habit of answering emails when I get them instead of putting them off for some future time when I'm 'in the mood' to answer them (when does that mood happen anyway?)

I'm filing things as I open the envelopes instead of putting them into a to-be-filed pile.

I keep my books in places where I can read for a few minutes during my couch time (I'm currently reading 'The Dance of Anger' by Dr. Harriet Lerner and 'Why We Love' by Helen Fisher)

I do exercises throughout the day like yoga poses, stretches, rehab stuff, walking, breathing.

The list is pretty doable.

The one item that's giving me the most trouble is book-writing.
I'm still treating it like it's a monumental task that can't possibly be broken down into do-able chunks.
I'll have to reframe that megillha!

Meh, I'll put it on the to-do list.
It seems like writing stuff down helps me to get it done.

I highly recommend it.

*Lisa's Video Pick of the Day*
Exercising a lot and eating a little (1500 calories a day is very very little for grown people who exercise) WILL make you lose weight.
No doubt.
But what about addressing all the complex issues of eating disorder recovery??
Learning to eat smaller portions - depleting calories without increasing nutrition - won't help.
I still use food to soothe my emotions.
I think the fact that the foods I eat are nutritious, low fat and high fiber makes a big difference.
Reframing the way I view my behavior as being self-soothing rather than self-destructive has helped.
Binge eating on crap is self destructive.
Eating well is an act of self-care, even if the portions and frequency are higher than normal.
I wish I could partner with the folks at New Haven to help these people get well for good.
In the meantime, I have great compassion for them....and when I can, for me.
click here or click below