7/28/2009 - Let's see, where do I start. I have so much to say. I will start with the fact that my weightloss is going exceptionally well I think. In 10 months, I have lost 161 lbs. My goal is to lose another 52 lbs. to hit my target weight of 161. That puts me right in the middle for my BMI for my weight and height. If I lose more than that, awesome, but that has been my goal since I started this journey.

During the last 10 months I have had many ups and downs. Both physically and mentally. I have been dealing with eating issues pretty much since day 1 of my surgery. There are pretty much a handful of foods that I have been able to eat at any given time throughout this process. What I can eat seems to change all the time, but still only a few foods that I can manage to keep down at once. The only two foods that I have been able to eat on a consistent basis is steak and homemade soups. Needless to say, I am starting to get very sick of both of those foods! But they are pretty much what I have eaten over the last 10 months. And of course, steak is not cheap. I have started buying beef roasts and cutting them up into small steaks to save on money that a friend of mine gave me the idea to do. Chicken has been random. Some days I can eat it, most other days, I cannot. I went through a phase of eating pork, but haven't been able to for a long time. I am actually going to try pork again tonight for dinner and see how it goes. I have not been able to eat turkey, ground beef or any type of shredded meat since my surgery. I miss my salads. I seem to be able to eat just about any kind of vegetable, as long as it is steamed or in my soups, but I cannot handle eating lettuce. I used to live on salads during the summer prior to my surgery, but cannot eat them anymore. I also miss sandwiches. Oh how I would love to eat a turkey sandwich with lettuce and tomato on it. But ever since surgery, I cannot handle bread. Infact, I have not been able to eat any type of bread from biscuits, rolls, etc. The texture of it just makes me sick to my stomach. I have actually eaten more fruit in the past ten months than I ever have in my life. I was never a fruit eater prior to my surgery and I have been living on watermelon the last few months along with my steaks and soup. Eating has been extremely frustrating since having my surgery. I keep trying new foods all the time, but 99% of them just do not agree with me and cause me to either be sick to my stomach just looking at them or to end up in a dumping episode. It is so hard to sit and watch my family or others enjoying a nice fresh salad or something as simple as a sandwich. So that has definitely been tormenting both physically and mentally.

Moving on to a new part of my life that has come into play over the last couple of months. Another very frustrating aspect. When I had my surgery, I could not wait to lose the weight. Yes, I did lose weight and still am losing weight! Hooray for that! But I sat waiting forever to be able to go buy new clothes. I had lost well over 100 lbs. before I could actually start shopping for smaller clothes. For the longest time, I could not understand why I didn't need smaller clothes yet. For quite a long time that really bothered me. Well all of a sudden, I needed new clothes because my old ones were finally starting to fall off me. So out I went, shopping for new clothes, of course at a somewhat slow pace, because by no means am I rich, and clothes are expensive! I needed everything, from bras to shirts, pants, etc. I was happy about being able to buy some new stuff. But now the true frustrations have set in with clothes shopping! For starters, we had our big vacation coming which happened last week. I bought two very nice expensive outfits to take on vacation with us. I also bought two new pairs of shoes to take on vacation. I packed all my clothes up for vacation and we headed out. When we got to our destination and each morning that I got dressed, I found out that all of my clothes were TOO BIG for me. I mean to the point of falling off me and not even pinning them up would have helped. Turned out that I ended up having one pair of shorts and one pair of jeans that fit me half way decent while we were on vacation. Even my shoes ended up being a good inch to big for me!! So there I sat, on vacation, having only a pair of shorts and a pair of jeans that fit me. I ended up buying a bunch of T-shirts while we were on vacation, so I had shirts to fit me. I also ended up buying a pair of shoes. I went all of a sudden from wearing a men's 11.5 shoe to a women's 11 shoe, which I have never been able to wear women's shoes. They said that your feet could shrink some from having this surgery, well they sure were right, of course at the worst possible moment it could have happened, like overnight! A few weeks ago, I was also specially fitted for bras at JC Penny's. I bought one bra that fit me perfect and one that was the next size smaller for when the other one would become too big. Well, needless to say, both bras are already way too big for me. All the clothes that I bought in the last two to three weeks are all too big for me. I have spent soooooo much money on clothes in the last two months, that I have only been able to wear once or maybe twice. What a waste of money!! I just want to scream!! I have been also going to every rummage sale I can find to buy used during this phase, but I am having no luck finding anything in my sizes. I only have access to one second hand store, that also never seems to have my size. What I am to do? I can't walk around naked until I hit a time when my clothes sizes will not change every 3 days. So yet again, very frustrating both physically and mentally.

Aside from all this frustration, as far as my health goes, I have improved greatly. I am able to get around a whole lot better than I could even 3 or 4 months ago and of course a huge change from 10 months ago. Ten months ago, I could not take care of myself, dress myself, could hardly get around, needed help to get out of chairs, etc. I was pretty much completely dependent on my son and hubby to do all of this for me. Since then, I am now able to do all of this on my own with some help needed at times when I am in severe pain from my degeneration in my spine or when I am in a severe fibro flare. I can also walk a lot farther, although still with the aid of my walker and cane. But I have pretty much been able to give up my walker now and I am basically using my cane only on a regular basis. If we go somewhere that involves a lot of walking, I still use my scooter, like I did while we were on vacation at a few places we stopped at. My breathing has gotten a ton times better, and I feel 100 times better. I have a lot more energy. I have been working my butt off at the gym with some pretty rigorous workouts, well for me, since I have not exercised for over 5 years plus. I am dedicated to my workouts and make sure I get them in. Some days I do not want to go at all. After being on vacation for the last 11 days and going to workout yesterday, it felt like I was starting all over again with exercising. It was very hard to get through my workout yesterday! I am definitely feeling it today too! But I will keep on going! I have also been able to get back into doing some minimal housework, for example dishes again, although I have to sit down to do them because of my back, and I have been doing a lot of cooking, although I also need help with that when it comes to lifting hot pans out of the oven or over to the cupboards, table, etc. My life has definitely changed since having surgery. Most times the goodness of the surgery definitely outweighs the bad that I am dealing with and has been worth it, but again at times, sometimes I sit and wonder why in the world I ever did this. Then I have to force myself to sit back and say, this is why I did this and it IS definitely worth it!

Another aspect of this journey that I am having a hard time dealing with is the compliments I have been receiving. After being severely depressed most of my life, I have a very hard time accepting compliments. I am starting to get used to it some now and telling people thankyou, etc. and the really cool part, I am finding that it lifts my spirits. Imagine that! Who would have ever thought after years of self hatred. My hubby has told me a million times over the last month how good I look and I would just say, ya right, I am still the same 'ol ugly me as usual. But I am actually starting to have a different outlook on that and my life as a whole.

My life has definitely changed, from every emotion to every aspect of it. It has also changed my family. And these were things that were brought to our attention prior to having surgery. It would be a total life changing event, and that it has been! My family now eats a lot healthier, as all of our food is now fresh and homemade, nothing canned, boxed or processed. Myself most importantly as well as my family has a different outlook on life too. Most importantly though, I do not how I would have gotten through this without the awesome support of my family. They have been there every step of the way for me and I know they will continue to be. I look forward to what the future holds for myself and family as I continue to go through this journey. And this journey will not end when I hit my goal weight, but will be lifelong!