Dear Lord please find it in your loving heart to deliver me from Satan Herself…..Little Debbie….

Jungle Love

Everything’s better when wet….

The question to everyone’s answer is usually asked from within……

We live in a world of illusion where everything’s peaches and cream…..

What a good week…I had a great Doctor visit, my partner and I took a couple of days off, and now it might snow tonight…..

I’m a big music nut. I always have some playing. I like to dance….I’m horrible at it…I like the way the music makes me feel….when I’m dancing I forget about the reality of crap that goes on daily…..Our ancient  ancestors danced to communicate with “beyond”..”God”…”The Great Whatever” the point is lower your stress……and move.   Step out of yourself….find some music you like…..it doesn’t matter what kind it is as long as you like it…..put it on…..  Get up and move….whether you do this as part of your exercise or just as fun….allow yourself to get lost… {Picture kids playing in the park}…..look like a fool…..laugh….enjoy yourself.  It’s a great stress reducer…..it also helps to put things into perspective……it says” I’m putting myself first….I don’t care if I look crazy….. This is fun……Hell; at least I’m not eating something”

Sing…even if you suck at it….Sing because it allows your voice to become one with the universe…it lets them know you here and your just a little off…Keep everyone guessing……it can make others wonder why you don’t seem to mind that your basket is not completely full.

Today I danced to The Steve Miller’s Band Jungle Love from which I took the italicized quotes that appear above….and The B-52’s 1989 album Cosmic Thing….(you know the one with Love Shack)……I also sang really loud…. to all of it…even  made up my own words…..how’s that for crazy….

Hey Y’all…… Let Your Freak Flag Fly

Have a great snowy weekend

And Shake your Honey Buns…..

When I made the decision to have gastric bypass surgery I felt…… confident. Now that I’m coming up on six months post op I have realized that the surgery is only….. One small piece in an overall plan to regain my life…….. And live.

 I have often heard that the journey is the destination; my destination being skin and bones…..with muscles in all the right places.  In the beginning … I dreamed (knew) that the pounds would melt off and make me……… perfect. Once arriving at my….. Destination how could things not be perfect?  Perfect……. in a way that skinny or weighing less would be the key to fulfillment and set all things right. I thought…….”I’m going to fail at this”………”I’m a fatty and that’s the way it is”…..”This is going to define me and my happiness”.   I read everything about what happens after surgery……that didn’t help with my worries….I wanted to win….I was going to win….And most of all I was going to enjoy it….be happy. Now… how I came to this…..I don’t know…..some of it came from hate and anger other…….from wanting to be alive…..again.  Realizing that I had wasted so much of my life on this one pursuit……I wondered about just trying to enjoy…..everything and  be grateful……And I discovered that I loved myself……my fat….my bald head…..my bad breath……my crooked toe…..my sadness. I guess waiting to get to my destination is futile because nothing stops……….until it ends…..I can’t waste any more time on waiting until I’m perfect……because that’s not living…..that’s something else and it made me sad…..hate filled……illogical for years.

I am happy…….this is a big thing. I’m smiling as I type these words……part of my brain is saying I love you …Keith and you will not fail.               

One's destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.

                                                            Henry Miller

So, I have begun moving towards that new destination……I can’t say I’m not looking forward to the surgery….it’s just those fears….the same anxious feelings that occur when you’re preparing for a trip, new job, wearing that new pair of shoes for the first time. My fantasies have become more realistic or toned down…which in itself is very positive.

I have most everything lined up…my bag packed….living will signed….old food out new food in….Five days and counting …..Pre-testing is 9/6…

This week sucked….I picked the wrong time to stop doing drugs…..It has been a total roller costar ride…filled with lots of crazy emotions. I finally had to get real pissed and take hard action….TN.DHS could not give me a str8 answer….I was being given all this information that no one could confirm nor could anyone tell where I could find a hard copy of the policy I was asking about. So, like a child being told NO!....I wrote letters to my state and federal representatives  along with TN Governor and the commissioner of DHS...Gina Lodge. I also started a call campaign where I called the governors offices as well as the Commissioners back to back.

Finally…I got a call back from Robin Orr saying that she was a representative of Gina Lodge and there to help me get all this worked out… It seemed that out of the 7 prior DHS workers that I had spoken with, none had taken the time to read my file…So, the conclusion… I have nothing to worry about because I have no money and on disability. I have Medicare as primary and Medicaid as secondary….I felt like I needed to smoke after all of that.

At the height of all the craziness I felt ashamed because I am on disability and receive state services. I was angry because I had to go over that information every time I spoke with a different person. But, most of all everyone made it seem as if disability was a permanent thing and why was I trying to get well.

So, what have I learned from all this?….If you piss me off….I’ll call the Governor on ya’.  

It is said that the truth shall set us free and I wonder what this statement means.  How does truth liberate? Is it simply the act of acknowledging reality without any flourish, exaggeration, and/or build up? Truth and freedom; concepts that as Americans we are supposed to understand and cherish, but have we as a society devalued them or have we just become complacent?

Is this truth what Buddha referred to when he advised us to meditate and listen within to the eternal Om? Native Americans called it the voice of ancestors. Christians search for the realm of God so we can commune with our Lord.  Will understanding the truth about and in ourselves reveal freedom? Will this freedom mean having an unconditional love for ourselves? Will this give us peace and understanding?

The truth about me is that I want to be valued, but I don’t think I’m worth anything. Funny. I have allowed myself to be haunted by a child’s past. By doing this, I judge my worth by what someone else’s view was. I hide behind fat. I somehow believe it gives me strength when I know it only leads to weakness.

I have taken control of so many other aspects of my life why has food been such a problem? Success in most everything except my weight has come rather easy. I set my mind to something and I do it.  Where is that determination in weight loss.   

I love the words truth and freedom. I pledge to be true to myself…not allowing anything else but truth.  With that I promise to be free. Free about who I am, what I am, and what I want.  I believe this will have a profound impact on my life.