Ashley A.

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Sorry I'm completely bored.!!!!!  My apartment is going to be inspected tomorrow just to make sure everything is good to go for winter...so it is now 4:37 am and I just got done scrubbing the bathroom...since they are mainly checking water lines. My apt is normally always spotless but for some reason I wanted it super clean..so now I am sweating like crazy. I put my ipod on and it was all over. I got an awesome workout. I just need to start cleaning to get a workout because it was basically like doing an hour cardio class..I feel so motivated now. I decided to walk the trash down and I didnt realize it was POURING down rain. It felt so great! I love hearing the rain and being in it. I even stood out there for a minute just so I could cool off..as soon as I got in I realized that my Ipod was soaked..luckily it has a case so I'm not too worried about it. I didn't weight myself. I'm trying not to weigh myself everyday because they say its not good for you so I'm going to try to go every few days. My friend always says he weighs himself everyday just in case he gained a pound then he can be mad at himself and not do bad on his diet again...I told him he needed help. I honestly want to be losing inches rather than pounds. I always hear people complain about how they are losing inches but not lbs....Perfect Example-I lost 100 lbs by myself before but not that many inches and I was so upset. Then a few years ago I lost about 60 lbs by myself and lost a ton of inches and looked and felt great. then I started hanging out with my long time best friend again and got huge..Panera Bread-3x a week=BAD!!!! It was my senior year of high school so I just didn't care for some reason, and I was working at LB so big girls rule there!!! I started looking into WLS technically in 8th grade when I weighed 356 lbs but that was before the band was popular and my mom didn't even have insurance...so I started losing weight by myself. I got down to about 289 and I really started looking a lot better, then my senior year came and I bloomed to about 320ish and then a couple years later I eventually was at my heaviest weight ever which was 455...I used to joke around and say if I ever reach 400 I'm going to kill myself...I know its a horrible joke but I just can't believe I let myself gain this much weight, and I never thought it would come to this, working in a call center 50 hours a week doesn't help you to lose weight either. Everyone has their ups and downs-some days I'm happy about my weight, other days I just cry and think how disgusting I am. I was so comfortable with myself for about a year though. I think that may have also contributed to my weight gain. I worked at LB-Lane Bryant so everyone was heavy. I was so comfortable with everyone that worked there and they loved being big girls! Needless to say, I won't need to buy clothes for about the first year I lose weight. I have so many clothes from there from 18/20-26/28..some even have the tags on them so I'm pretty much set...Ok...this is really long...I'm sorry for anyonethats actually going through the pain of reading this. I just like letting my feelings out in writing so why not publicy post them..hehe..and I realized that none of this really has to do about rain..sorry! So thats pretty much my story about my weight struggles...Until next time...Gnite!

I finally put some horrible...before pics up. I am now down 27 pounds just in 2 weeks which is good but you can't tell it at all. I just can't wait until I hit the 50 pound mark and people will start to notice. I haven't been feeling very great these past few days..I don't know if its my diet or what but it has sucked. Well I'm tired..its 4 am, I will write more tomorrow. Gnite!

Ok..so lately I have been feeling super depressed.  I honestly don't know why. I did keep my promise I made in my last post and went out yesterday.  I walked around the mall..didn't buy anything but I always love to look...and then was dragged to the movies. Luckily they had the seats where the arm rests go up, so my thighs weren't getting dug into. I can't wait until the day I don't have to worry about breaking a chair or not fitting before I sit down, it will be great! I'm going to take some before pics tomorrow so I can see how disgusting I really am..lol. I have to make fun of myself every now and then. I just want some updated pics because I dont really have any since I have been trying to avoid cameras for a couple years now. Anyways..I was talking to my mom the other day and she told me something really neat. She works with a woman whose husband had WLS and got his excess skin removed for free a couple months ago as long as you donate it for burn victims. It was Shriners a hospital in Cincy..I definitely will have to have her get more info for me. That would be so wonderful for everyone that has to deal with excess skin. I'm hoping since I'm younger and will be hitting the gym again soon I won't have to deal with that much excess skin. It won't be for a year or so until I would have to worry about anything so we shall see then.

I'm seriously on the verge of a breakdown. I'm still very uncomfortable with this incision thats been bothering me. I did call to get my short term disability extended so I  will probably not be going back to work until the week of Christmas. I have been extremely hungry today and its getting to me. I have been lashing out on people...it is close to that time of the month as well, so I'm usually a little emotional and hungry....I just don't know whats going on with me anymore. I'm making a promise to myself that I will get out of the house tomorrow for at least half the day...I just need to get away from everything at the moment. I'm really thankful for this site...I don't know where I would be without it. I weighed in today and I actually gained a pound. I'm so upset with myself. I ate like crap yesterday...yes I know it was my birthday but thats no excuse. I need to get my butt in gear and back on track...I can't beleive I'm doing this bad this soon. I don't get my first fill until Jan. 6th which isn't even a promise because I may not be able to get off work. I'm done complaining for the day...Thanks!

So I exercised a little bit yesterday. I thought I was going to die afterwards. I did turbo jam so its kinda like taebo so its super intense...I could only do it for about a half hour. I'm feeling pretty good today except this one incision is driving me crazy. It hurts so bad when I'm sitting up, so I have to kinda lie back so its not getting so much pressue onto it. I hope its better by Tuesday when I have to go back to work since I sit down all day.  I know its not from exercising yesterday because it hurt after I got home from my appt. I joined a challenge on Weighins.com I'm super excited. I really think thats what I need to get fully motivated. I havent been eating much but I have been getting a lot of cravings. Tomorrow is my 20th birthday so I'm gonna have to have the strength not to eat cake or anything. Sweets are definitely going to be the biggest challenge during all of this. I used to have something sweet every night. Which is what led to my drastic weight gain. I'm gonna try to go back to the gym in a couple of weeks. I'm not ready to go back just yet. Everyone there knows me from when I was down to about 250 and now im 200 lbs more than that. I guess in a way I'm just kinda embarrassed because I failed....but I know I will succeed this time.

I met with the surgeon today for my post op appt..I have lost 20 lbs already...yippee!!!! I have a lot to lose so I'm hoping I start dropping pretty quickly. I know 20 lbs in a weeks time isn't normally typical. I definitely don't have any restriction at all yet so I have to basically starve myself until the first week of January when I can get my first fill. We will see how that goes. I go back to work next Tuesday which is good because I'm going crazy from being stuck in this house...I was hoping to maybe get off until after Christmas but I wasn't that lucky. Other than that the surgeon said everything went great and looked well. I'm going to try to do some exercises today. I don't want to over do it though.

I haven't posted in a couple days..I think I'm already going through bandster hell...since I haven't been doped up on meds. I have been starving. I've been trying to keep drinking the liquids and eating jello. I don't have that much pain just really when I get up. I can finally sleep on my side...YAY!! I have major back problems so being stuck on my back for those few days sucked. I finally got out of the house, my sister and I went to the grocery store so we were there for about an hour and I was fine. My back started hurting but thats a usual thing. I go to see my surgeon on Tuesday so I cant find out what I weigh until then. They really need to sell scales in stores that go higher than 300 lbs that dont cost a fortune so I have resorted to ebay. I found one that goes up to 440 lbs for just 40 bucks...I can't wait for it to arrive. Well I'm off to bed..I think I'm going to try to workout tomorrow so I know for sure that I'm losing because if I go to the doctor and it still shows the same weight I'm going to get discouraged..

Today is my 4th day post op and I don't feel well at all. I slept until about 2 pm which was crazy...I could barely get up out of bed. I don't feel like eating anything. I'm forcing myself to get liquids down.  I guess what they say is true about the 3rd day of recovery being the worst. The pain ball is driving me crazy because its in the way and it makes it hard to sleep in my bed so I've been sleeping on the couch so I cant sit up some. I can finally take my dressings off today. My incisions arent as big as I thought. I'm just thankful they didn't have to do it open. I really hope this is the last day I feel like crap. I have to get out of this house. I hate being couped up.....I actually miss work too..I'm not getting paid for the time off which is really hurting me because I live by myself..oh well its worth it.