Have been planning a trip to the west coast. I am sitting at 186lbs now and not happy with myself. When I wake up I am going to start working on my goal. You would think I'd  have weight loss figured out by now but sadly I don't..... I think main thing is..vitamins...water and walking. Yo Yo...up down..Augh!!!!!!!!! I have had it! Funny that at 317lbs I thought 186?? haha no way and now that I am there I am mad at myself still and feeling like a fatass. Going to wake up and get with it...for now going to bed with a dream already in place. Good night :) wish me luck!

up and down...like a rollercoaster...except anymore this ride sucks and i want to get off! i am sitting at 180 right now...all the jeans i bought 15lbs earlier.... tight! I am working 2 jobs and grabbing pure crap to eat while i am on the run. still single...even though i have been out with an unimaginable amount of losers..lol and just depressed. i lost my insurance and i always seem to be broke. i need to get back with it before i gain it all back. never thought i'd get tired of people saying "you look so good." but i have...the other day a lady i have known forever said "wow, you look incredible" i just blankly said yeah...then thought about it later....how rude! i wasn't really absorbing what she had said or how i responded until it was too late to say thank you.... i find myself looking in the mirror too much and worrying about what i am eating or my lack of excercise too often. i can't stand myself lately. i feel so sad and lonely in a body of disgust....and all i want to do is consume just 1 more cookie. what is wrong with me? they fixed my stomach but it definately didn't fix my brain :(

i got down to 155lbs. now i am sitting at 169lbs. Summer is almost here and the image that use to be in my head of me looking like angelina jolie when i became smaller is way out of reach. I have completely lost my boobs and naked i look like an 80 year old woman...wait i take that back...while working in a nursing home doing clinicals i envied some of those women and their bodies. I am 27 and miserable. I am single and lost. I am scared to go on dates cuz they want to touch me and somehow think they are just going to get into my pants...i miss sex...haha but i don't even like getting naked anymore for me! I feel pretty confident with clothes on besides the fact of wearing an occasional gurdle to tuck in my extra skin. I can't even find a bra that will make my boobs look good....hell victoria secret can't even make a wonder bra that doesn't make me wonder how much is a boob job? i still won't wear shorts and with my arm flaps i am destined to lie again this summer when someone asks me in my long sleeve shirt...god aren't you hot? Swimming is a thing most men i have met lately say they like to do and i quickly wilt...float trip?? omg I might look a little weird in a long sleeve shirt and jeans...lol. I am broke and can't afford any plastic surgery. I am a single mom and going nuts. To top all of it off I had to ask my mother to move in with me to help me out with my babies while I work my ass off all the time. Time to date? Time to work out? Time to eat right? 24 hours in a day is not enough time. I work overnights, I change my clothes 10 times before i find the right outfit, i go out with all the wrong guys that never call me back and I wonder what is wrong with me. I think about how I have 34 more lbs to go til goal and then think about how if I could grab a knife and slice off all this off I might just be at goal. I am trying to stay postive but damn it this today is honestly how I feel. At least when I was fat I fit into my body...guys knew what was underneath my clothes and i somewhat had boobs. I had girlfriends because I wasn't a threat and I knew the guys liked me for my personality not the way I looked in a pair of tight ass jeans.

I am weighing in at 172! I think I have changed my own personal goal to 135...I thought 150 would be fine and it is but for my BMI I am suppose to be at 135 or so and now that i am so close whyyyyy Not?? So 37lbs. more to go...it may take awhile but I am GONNA DO IT!! :)