ObesityHelp

My Personal Struggle with Obesity

            I have witnessed the pain and feeling of defeat that being obese has on a person all of my life. Practically my whole family is obese. My father has weighed an average of 275, my mom has always been over 250, except when dieting, My aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. the list goes on and on. I do believe it runs in families, and unfortunately, my genes are definately against me. When I was a child, I watched my mother and older sister have Gastric Bypass stomach stapling surgery. I was only 9 years old. My sister was only 14 and already weighed 250 pounds, so the insurance approved her surgery because they felt that it was necessary. At nine, I wasn't obese yet, but I could sure feel my mother & sister's pain. What made it even more intense was the fact that I had to take care of them post-surgery. They had the surgery at the same time, so I was the only one that could help take care of them. I had to help them with everything, including changing their dressings.

At the time, I remember saying out loud, "I don't care how fat I get, I will never have this surgery!"

            It wasn't until I became morbidly obese myself, that I started to consider the surgery.  I wasn't a fat child, but started to get a little chubby as a teen. I really didn't know what it was like to diet or try to eat healthy until I was about 19. I went to a diet clinic and lost about 20 pounds. My weight stayed stable at about 175 until I got married and got pregnant with my first child at the age of 21. I gained 60 pounds with that pregnancy and first experienced how uncomfortable it is to weigh over 200 pounds. At the time, I felt so huge. I took the weight off after I had my son by drinking liquid diets and exercising. It worked until I went back to my old eating habits, and then the weight would come back and bring more with it. This is when my yo-yo weight loss and weight gaining began. I tried  every diet I could and always had the same result. I would lose some weight, but I would always gain it back plus more.

            Four years later, I had a daughter and my weight was even higher with this pregnancy. I weighed about 250 when I was pregnant with her and this is when I first noticed my knees giving out. The extra weight was too much for my knees because they started making a crackling noise when I would go up and down stairs. My knees have been crackling and giving out from that day forward. Even losing weight will not repair the damage the weight has done on my knees.  Losing the weight was a lot harder to do after her birth. When she was about one, I went to a doctor who perscribed diet pills and water pills. I quickly lost 60 pounds and felt great, but when I approached my goal weight, the doctor couldn't tell me how to keep my weight off and it was not healthy to continue the diet pills for a long period of time, so I was kind of out in the cold. I tried to maintain the weight loss on my own, but when I stopped the diet pills, the weight came back so quick I couldn't believe it! I knew then, that my weight problem was beyond my control. I couldn't do it on my own and I needed help.

            It was hard to re-motivate myself and try again, but I did many times. I joined Weight Watchers and lost some weight, but that didn't last because I got pregnant with my third child. I was 37 when I had her and she was truely a miracle. The pregnancy, however, was very high risk. I started out at 240 pounds. My age, weight and pregnancy-induced high blood pressure, made this pregnancy dangerous for me as well as my baby. I was in the hospital 4 times for pre-term contractions, and was put on bed rest. My weight topped about 290 pounds and I was big, bloated and miserable. When I went grocery shopping, I had to use one of those scooters, and it was one of the most humbling and humiliating times in my life. People in the store would give me dirty and disgusted looks like they just couldn't believe I could allow myself to get so bad. It hurts me to the core of my soul when people look at me that way. I am very sensitive and I can feel the negative vibes from people as well as see the disgusted look on their faces when I walk by them, so it is very hard to ignore. Being obese is like being trapped inside a big suit that makes it possible for the world to see your biggest shameful secrets. There is no where to hide, you just have to try to pretend that you are happy anyway. Many times I have come home crying  after being out in public or catching a glimpse of my big body in a mirror at the store.

            About a year after having my third child, I found a program called Compulsive Eaters Anonymous. I thought it sounded interesting so I tried it. It was very strict. I had to attend three meetings per week, call four people a day, and report my food to my sponsor every day. There were twelve gueling steps to complete, many questions to answer, and you had to sponsor others. The food plan consisted of eliminating all sugar and flour products of every kind. So, I tried it, and yes, I lost about 60 pounds, but I was having a hard time believing in the whole program. It started feeling like a cult and I really didn't think that the eating plan was very healthy or realistic for the rest of my life. There was so much shame, guilt and fear, involved with the program, it took me many months to pull myself back together. I gained back the entire 60 pounds in 3 months.

            I have to say that some of the most depressing and discouraging experiences in my life were the times when I gained the weight back. I felt like such a loser! Every time I failed was like a little piece of my soul was being chipped away. Depression sets in because you feel so defeated.

            Many people have tried to encourage me to just be happy the way I am and to stop caring about what others think, but I just can't. I'm not happy about being 280 pounds, I'm not happy about the way I look and feel, and I am very ashamed of my body. This is not because of other people, it's because I just can't be happy this way because it is not attractive or healthy. I also worry about continuing to gain, and then what? I will be even more ashamed and more unhealthy and more limited in what I can do.I don't want to end up with a heart attack, stroke, or other condition that leaves me unable to walk or do any of the things I long to do.               

            I know that I have been fighting a battle that I can't win on my own. After doing much research about the Lap band and Dr. Johnell, I have hope for a "lifetime solution" for once in my life. I know it's not a miracle cure, but it is a tool that can help me succeed. If I will feel full sooner and am not able to eat a lot of the foods that are so bad for me, I have faith that I will be very successful. After the Lap Band, I plan to be very commited to eating healthy and exercising the rest of my life. I am going to do everything they tell me to do, because I sure haven't been able to do it on my own.
Becky
Age 40