brownblonde
"I could lose the weight if I wanted to"
Mar 19, 2015
So I was watching a tv show this week and some druggie said something to the effect of "I could quit it if I want to. It's not like I can't. It's not a problem." And of course I in turn analogized to weightloss. I had never maybe put my thinking in these exact terms. But in essence this is what I think. This is what I've always thought about weightloss. I just "chose" not to commit today. I'll start next Monday. 10lbs., 100lbs.? When I'm good and ready I'll lose the weight. When it's not a snowday, no one has a birthday, my grandmother hasn't made an amazing treat, when it's not too hot, when it's not too windy, when I'm not celebrating, when I'm not depressed, when I'm not bored, when I'm not trying to be social, polite, etc, etc. etc. I could have done it though, right? Even the night before surgery I balked at the idea of surgery. In some way wasn't that admitting that I COULD NOT lose the weight? And didn't that make me a bad person?
And then you have surgery. And the weight magically drips off of you. And you have a wonderful time experiencing your new toy. And no, I do not mean your sleeve or pouch or what have you. I mean you love crusin around in your new body like never before. You love dressing it and meeting new people in it and it moves so easily now!
But then time passes, the newness wares off ever so slightly, and your sleeve expands a little, and you find yourself up 5 or 10lbs. saying to yourself "I can lose this weight if I want to." But then you find yourself at a beer hall with friends and it would be so funny-duddy of you not to partake although you tried, painfully, to stave off any cravings for the first hour. And you find yourself at an NBA basketball game. And well what's a game without the calorie-laden food. And you start to realize you are not invincible. Maybe I turn back into a pumpkin at midnight?
Right now I'm feeling a little hopeless. I had a week where I lost about a half pound. It was miserable Every minute. I cut out wine, I exercised 3 days, and tried very hard to stay within my calories. I thought about food all the time. I didn't enjoy what I did eat, I wanted what I couldn't eat. And I felt socially awkward. I didn't want to see anyone because it might mean going over my calories! I don't know if it's my willpower or sucky metabolism or what but it suddenly got WAY harder. The struggle is real. I see all these people about as far post op as I am suddenly ballooning. I didn't want that to be my story. But now I'm not sure how to stop it. You can't go cold turkey on food.
