05 JULY 2008

Yesterday was my birthday. 04July2008.
Independence Day..and Independent myself also.

I took myself out to "prime 360" and enjoyed part of a filet mignon with an order of crimmi mushrooms, a nice glass of shiraz wine...and guess what they brought me a delicious chocolate dessert made of some sort of mousse I would imagine, chilled until it is hard as real chocolate..with a candle and happy birthday written in chocolate across the plate..very pleasing and delicious...of course I couldn't eat all of it..and it sits there in my refrigerator, now. It was very expensive but I felt that I deserved it.

I missed an astronony meeting though, as they meet the first friday in the month..Ihad totally forgotten about it,when I booked the para transpo..or else I could have gone from birthday dinner to astronomy.

well I had pain anyway and felt tired..so best that I rested at home as I did.

This am... to my surprise I was down 1.6 lbs.. I really thought that I would not lose...as I was out on Canada Day... ending up eating a yougart that had 300 calories and biscotti that may have had as many for my supper. the best deal tht I could find in the hill crowd downtown
then I ate a second supper at home in the middle of the night.

combined with my birthday supper .

..well I am finally down to just under the 100lb mark..

Since May 2008,

I tried to update my blog several times and ran into computer glitzes.. time and time again..so well written things from the heart..never got to my blog ...this writing is quite boring.(today) My writings kept going out to lost in cyber space!

I had great difficulty all of   May..turning my disappointment with surgery around to keep myself on track.

again. I have been moderately successful...as I was 275 went up to 285 and down to 275 once more and this am 272.6

I have approximately 150 more to go.. I will try to aim to a half way mark somewhere around 122 or 23 lbs lost

I have to keep motivating myself.. I must make it.

I am having a lot of difficulty with chronic problem with my legs..and my hip and knees are killingme..with pain. and my tail bone..with lots of sores breaking out on my seat and back of my thighs.

the huge growth or whatever it is... is getting larger...it is attached to the inside of my right thigh..and causes much pain and discomfort..when I try to sit..and especially on my wheelchair.. it gets squashed and a huge

gash is now covered by the nurse..but on the back of it...likely from all the squashing onto the chair.

It is very discouraging... even if I could try to walk ... it gets in the way. It is larger than a basketball.

and is causing me much grief. I have seen one plastic surgeon so far...he does not want to remove it

he feels that it would leave a long hole..maybe 6 inches or so that would not heal.

I am still looking, anyway. There must be someone that will remove it. Actually I must be about 10 to 15 lbs

lighter without it.

In may I was singing ..is that all there is... a song from Patti Page' s repetoire...is this it...only almost 100 gone and no more... this is when I realized that I could eat whatever I wished and nothing too bad was going to happen..what a disappointment to find out that I as usual ...will have to do all the work of not eating certain things and watching all food...just the same as before the operation..what a let down. I really had thought

that the small pouch would do a lot of that for me....I had thought that... because of its size I would get the normal full feeling sooner and stop eating..of course rnyers know that normal full feeling as before surgery never comes back...just some sort of an uncomfortable feeling replaces it..it is not at all the same.

Soft foods can slide right through the pouch enabling you to eat a lot..unfortunately..if you should want to.

then over extended time one can eat a lot of anything..if one wants to..not that I am doing that...but the realiztion that i could was depressing...but as all things... in time..... this passes and one resigns oneself to the duty at hand and continues on... but the risk is very great now ...that I will not succeed. to 130 lbs.

The pouch is no longer any great help...just somewhat.

Malabsorbtion is almost nil I am told with this type of rny surgery..so all my calories are being absorbed into my system... what a bummer...I had thought that the "bypass" part meant that ...some of this food..

would by pass certain areas and pass right out of the system without absorbtion.

This along with the fact that I do not walk and cannot exercise not even get into a pool...for aquatics is very discouraging. However I am once more...pretty much on track and trying to follow the WLS program for

loss.

I am trying to keep busy... getting out as much as i can with the pain and all. I want to enjoy this summer as much as possible, as in winter..I am much more confined to the inside of the house..because of the weather

I have a long path to the roadway. Also ..I cannot just go ..with the wheelchair, in winter because of the cold and the terrible roads, at times.

I like to enjoy hearing the birds sing ..smelling all the lovely gardens and feeling the wind on my face.

and trying not to enjoy all the great food around.....well my best treat is a small decaffinated starbucks coffee sometimes with a biscotti.

this past 2 weeks I have been enjoying fresh cherries..and really thought that the sugar value in them would up my diabetes readings and cause weight gain..but so far... I still lost..some and my sugar remains good

.

August 12 is my appointment with dr graber...I am not this time looking forward to that long train ride becausee of all the pain that I am experiencing..well we will see how it goes..

take care all....

It is disappointing that I still cannot take part in life. but it has been this way for such a long time..

I had hoped that weight loss would improve the physical part allowing more...but then I am still very obese..

272 lbs on a 5'0 frame is plenty.... so perhaps there will be change more lbs hopefully lost down the road..

Isabella

I guess 277 is not that bad.

However this week, I am noticing that I am taking more liberties with my eating. This is worrying me.

I have been experimenting with my little pouch and it can hold ..or at least see pass through much more than I thought. Dr Graber's dietician advised that I should be eating 1/2 cup in totality of all food at each meal.

While I cannot eat 1/2 cup of solid food,as in steak or chicken, I certainly can eat much more than a cup of salads and soft foods. If I eat a chilli out, then it is much more than 1 cup. Certainly when I order salads I can eat the entire salad much more than 1 cup for certain.

I am beginning to want to reward myself with food, as in the previous life before pouch surgery.

I tried an  on the rocks margareta, on Friday, at the Red Lobster, which for the 3rd time now, did not present a great fish meal...too many sauces and fats... if I try again there, I will request, no sauces ...just lemon juice please. Of course I couldnt drink the total margareta with my meal ..I just lingered a long time and finished it.

However their very yummy biscuits, to my surprise are easy to dijest and I ate two of them, leftovers, at home, well 3, one with my night meal and 2 with my 1 egg the next morning. I guess I will just have to not take them home ...if there is a next time.

Rewarding ourselves with food, is not just for the obese or morbidly obese, our entire civilization uses food

as a reward, a celebration and on every occassion to celebrate and/or to even mourn different occassions.

It is just that we are looked upon as sinful, degenerative and goodness how can she eat that when she is that size..forgetting that "Those Persons" do exactly the same thing.

Some of us have a slower metabalizum, some cannot /or will not exercise, so the energy out is not equaling

the energy coming in, hence weight gain. Also, genetically, some of us are simply designed differently.

This causes weight gain easier than others.

Someone recently told me that their surgeon remarked that morbidly obese persons lose quicker at the beginning because they have suddenly given up fast food eating, milkshakes, fries etc and huge amounts of fats. Well I was not a fast food fan. Rather I always enjoyed salads and healthier foods..I would love to go weekly, before I was in the Wheelchair, to a favourite restaurant that made authentic Lebanese food.

How yummy. It consisted of a lot of homemade items full of veggies and a lot of it, not with a lot of fat.

They had a great buffet there 3 days of each week. Of course I cannot get into the restaurant with my wheelchair so even before surgery..I couldnt enjoy anymore.

Then there was a favourite Greek place that I used to frequent. Very healthy food again..but huge on the servings..one has, to take home most of it...as in rice and potatoes.

I hardly ever ate desserts. I did however order pizza more often then I should have, being stuck, in the house here, wheelchair bound ..and / or tired or with a lot of pain..and not up to cooking for myself.

I did order out a lot..but although difficult, I would try to order more low to non fat foods..as in a julliene salad with light dressing or the sante fe chicken salad...swiss chalet.. which is a grilled skinless boneless chicken breast slcied and laid across a mixed green salad with a hint of tomatoes, shredded carrots and cucumbers. with 4 triangular cut pieces of flat bread...very small circle and balsamic dressing..this dressing is good and likely has too much caloric value...but a light one can be substituted. I still order this one and can eat almost the entire dinner with no problems.

During the first 3 months for certain I was eating out of my 1 cup measuring cup, someone from obesity help mentionned that they eat out of a measuring cup which reminded me of the same... I was very careful and watched diligently each morsel that went into my mouth , even afraid to stray off of the official program.

for fear of doing some damage to my new operation or causing a problem.

Of course since then I have heard many stories..and some persons didnt follow the rules at all and seemed to be doing fine... I have to admit... it was a good excuse to experiment sooner. Shame on me!

In the beginning ... it was it was easy, also, to feel the discomfort of the little pouch, and not wanting to cause a problem for myself or to get the foamies and be ill.. I have gotten these about 3 times, I would immediately adhere to "stop eating".

I have heard a lot about the DS ''ers being able to eat more, all of the time and still losing weight.

I was completely unaware of the DS operation before my surgery. The doctor, in question, at the Civic did

not speak of any other kind of operations being available. I would guess that although I have a high bmi, an open surgery would not have been the best idea for me with all of my co morbidities.

But again, I recently heard that some doctors can perform this "Laposcopically."

Now I hear of different lengths of by pass etc can cause different results, unknown, to the surgeon, before surgery.

What it boils down to, is that I am beginning to get very worried that this operation may not work.

I still have about 150 lbs to lose without exercising and with the knowledge that I can put much more food into this little pouch then I had imagined.. Not only that, there are many forbidden foods that can go in there!

So it is very much as before, that I am the one that has to eliminate... the little pouch is not going to do it for me.

So one thinks to oneself..then why ..have the operation...

I have to get off of this track, in my mind. It is not a positive way of thinking.

There certainly have been many positive stories of many persons on this web site..so it must be possible.

There is the idea that the pouch operation is only a "tool" .

I had thought that since it would be a very small size, the full feeling would come naturally and quicker and

hence one would not eat very much because one simply could not. Therefore weight loss.

I have to be very truthful...that I cannot...even if I wanted to..eat the same amount as before the surgery,

even if I eat more than 1/2 cup in totality, at each meal.

I have to curb myself..of finishing leftovers later , after the meal is completed, and I am satisfied, in the new manner. I never get that full feeling, as in before the surgery. I do get hungry.

I have gotten used to what the full feeling is ..now..with the little pouch. It is not the same full feeling as one had previous to the surgery. However one can tune into it and abide by it.

I have began this week to do just that...eat...later what I didnt finish...I must stop that.

It had to do with gaining when I was expecting the 100 lb mark to be hit certainly by this past friday.

Tricky little body. Fooled me again.

I have never had much success with weigh loss. I have lost 100 dreds and 100dreds of pounds with many different type of diets. This is likely is what most of you will tell me...about the same.

My best loss was in 1980 when I shed 100 llbs...with my own volition, 225 to 125....

Anyway more about that later, I will stop for now..as my chair is beginning to pain my butt and I have to transfer, to my lazyboy... main menu... sitting and sleeping mode

Isabella

Monday May 12 2008

Once again, on Monday May 05  2008, I had to embark on that long trip to Utica Ny to see Dr Graber.

I find that he an his staff are very friendly and try to be helpful.

It seems that I am eating "too much".. it is the soft foods.. they move, I am told right through the pouch and into the intestines.. 1/2 cup total, I am told to adhere to, beginning as it always was with the protiens first

Dr Graber told me that I do not have to cosume 60 to 90 grams of protien, that he himself does not eat that much protien, as I have been trying to add more to my diet by eating the remaining protien, from my supper meals, in the middle of the night.

I was 281 on Dr Graber's scale..but 275.5, in the nude, morning weight on my scale..upon return to Ottawa.

This means that I was 1.5 lbs from the 100 lb weight loss.!!!

The trip of at least 15 hours with 2 train changes, one taxi, one para lift to the hotel was really long and

painful this time.. I had so much pain I could hardly stand it.

When I arrived at the hotel , the lift chair wasnt working. ..The maintenance staff were very concientious and rewired and taped until the chair worked...thank goodness or I would not have been able to get any relief from the terrible pain, Perhaps it is the fact that I have less padding on my body now. It was much worse then, in other trips. I was so very exhausted, as well.

The greyhound lift bus from Montreal still had to be confirmed..and it took right up to going back to MOntreal 9 pm to finally get one on the line to come home to Ottawa..what an ordeal.

Many phone calls and much aggravation later. A success story, I could go home at midnight ..they would put one on the line.

Good grief..what a terrible system..I have to phone USA who has to contact Calgary, who has to contact  Ottawa, who then contacts Montreal, who then confirms or disallows, in the reverse..no wonder there is so much trouble to ge the trip confirmed and so many errors therein.

This is the third time that there was so much mixup.

One has to begin 48 hours in advance.

Good points to note....

I have almost reached one goal....I COULD GET ONTO THE BATH CHAIR in the accessible room, this time

whoopee.. I was so pleased. I was able to almost, shower all of me and wash my hair..some problems with getting completey dry though and along with the other pain...my seat got very chapped and is still very sore

and tender.... Improvement should be noted by today, from last Wednesday, though.

The second thing that happened..although, initially, not a good thing..is that my wheel chair got jammed into the entrance of the train..and finally I had to just get out of it..so that the train staff could try to free   e it.

Well... with much determination and self talk, something I do a lot of... I was able to stand up..and low and behold...actually get the 6 to 8 feet, holding onto whatever, and with my cane down the little entrance from

the beginning of train entrance to the larger space where I would be sitting in my chair.. I thought that it was amazing and fantastic... I didnt fall A good surprise...likely this almost 100 lbs.. lost was the helper...

I couldnt walk normally but non-the-less made it down the little space of time and distance...good for me.

However the trip back proved again to be extremely painful..but legs and feet and hip and seat...it was just terrible but I had no choice but to endure....My knees too, in particular..they needed to be stretched out of something...

I tried to do movement exercises with my ankles and feet and tried to stretch the legs periodically..but I have

too much pain to stand for long durations...I did these from the seated position.

Anyway I made it home...the pain continued..and the home visiting nurses are checking out the legs and seat of my body

The better news is that some friends of mine in the country..suggested that by Aug 12 2008, my next visit..if I am small enough...maybe I would be able to fit into their van or car and they would accompany me to Utica

Wouldn't that be great ... we will see what happens as we need to bring a wheelchair with us...

a goal to try to look forward to...see what happens.. trip then only takes about 4 hours, I understand.  the train trip 5:30am from my house to (pm Utica...10 to 10:30 to the hotel...Return..7am from hotel to 3am to my house ...in reverse...lots of changes on the way... and 2 nites in Utica.

I went against my own rule of not weighing myself too often and this am..I weighed myself...and oops I was up 2 lbs...so now my 100 lb loss is minus 3.5 instead of 1.5...well I wont count it..I will wait for Friday am to see what that weight is ..then adjust whatever. Ok I added the change to my tracker, anyway.

Difficult for me to sit here..so will end for now.

Isabella