Here I am again trying to clear some of the rabid squirrels that keep running circles in my brain...It all seems a little random, but hopefully no one will be offended...

Firstly, I have been thinking how selfish it seems to have undertaken this journey.  Rationally, I know that my health has improved to the point that I will be around and available for much longer than I would have been otherwise, however, I'm still having issues.  It just requires so much constant vigilance to keep up with all the things that have to be done to stay on the straight and narrow post-op journey.  Water, vitamins, low carb meals, water, exercise, on and on...  I think I was always such a "giver" and "doer" for others before, that I'm struggling again with making the time just for me to get everything done.  The exercise is really the biggest part...I can't seem to drag out of bed to exercise in the morning before work, and then when I do it at night, it feels like I'm taking valuable time away from my beautiful wife and children.  I know I have to work through it - I did it when I was on the pre-op plan, I did it for the first six months or so afterward, but then the holidays came and I got off track, and now I just seem to sort of run across the track briefly every so often, and then veer away again.  I'm working on it.

On the same track, I got a flyer in the mail the other day for the Redbud Run that's coming up in April.  They have a 5K, and I've been considering whether I could get myself into good enough shape to participate without absolutely embarrassing myself.  I've never, ever in my life done anything like that, but I've started thinking it is a worthwhile goal, and that if I could force myself to go through with the training for this, I could start dropping some more pounds, and have a great head start on fitness as spring and summer roll in.  I actually got on my treadmill tonight and walked and JOGGED just to see if I could do it.  I did not drop over dead, I didn't even really get a good sweat up in the 45 minutes I was on there.  I know that I'm still a long way from being able to run 5K (3.1 miles- OMG), but the Redbud is on 4/5, giving me over a month to work up to it.  I think I can do this - I think I actually NEED to do this to get myself back on track and moving towards goal and getting rid of this last 35 pounds or so.  I'll see how I feel in the morning and hopefully I can drag back onto the thing tomorrow night without feeling too guilty about taking the time for myself.

I seem to be developing a new addiction to chocolate.  I know that Christmas and Valentines day have just fueled this horrible new addiction, and I have to break it - it's killing my progress.  At first it was just one bite of something, anything chocolate in the evening, but the last few days I've been raiding the kids' Valentine boxes for all the miniature Reese's peanut butter cups - evil things that they are....  Anyhow, I'm hoping that confession here will be good for not only the soul, but also for the willpower.   Think of me....

My new, smaller clothes don't fit anymore.  My first two pairs of "new" slacks that I bought last summer are completely useless.  They are a size 46, and I can't wear them at all without looking like Bozo the Clown.  I had on a great pair of wool slacks today that I bought second hand at the consignment store... They are a 42 inch waist, gorgeous, and I don't know that I can wear them any more... they are gathered at the waist by the time I get my (new) belt tight enough to keep them up.  I also seem to have shrunk out of the last of my 2X shirts.  They look ridiculous, but I can't seem to bring myself to get rid of them... I didn't have such a big problem with getting rid of the larger sizes, but now that I'm not fitting the 2X's, somehow my brain can't wrap around this size.  I'm trying - I have some new (2nd hand) XL and L shirts that fit so much better, and look better, but I still can't bring myself to get rid of the 2X's...  I think I'm really afraid at this point.  I don't ever recall being this size or smaller, so I'm kind of hung up on it.  We'll see how it works out.  I really want to get rid of them so that I don't go off plan and grow back into them.  Maybe I need to go shopping and see if maybe I can find replacements for some of them in the right size and that might make it easier.

The support from my virtual friends here on OH, and those (relatively) few that I know in the real world has been a huge help as I try to re-start and cross the finish line out of the active loss phase and into a lifetime of maintenance.  I'm still absolutely thrilled with my decision to have the surgery and change my life.  I just have to marshal the mental toughness and willpower to go back to the basics and move on down. 

Well - that's it for now - if you've stuck with my random thoughts this far, thanks!  I hope that somewhere you can find something that will help you along your journey - no matter where you are on it.  I'll try to post again soon to keep up to date on my progress towards the 5K.